PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES |
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated! |
Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it. |
 |
Funny TV Guide | Alex on the
Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK. Alex
DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats |
 |
| Monday 31st
January - Sunday 6th February 2005 |
AN
APOLOGY.. Her move followed the inexplicable departure of the show's series producer, Sharon Hughff, last week. It gives me no pleasure to announce that the departure of these ladies came after the Metropolitan Police Serious Computer Crime Division discovered they had been responsible for sending a barrage of virus-ridden emails to my account (click the picture!) after a series of unfavourable reviews about the show in this column. In the past week I have been in several meetings with the BBC and various members of the Computer Crime Squad and I have decided to take no further action against Ms Hutchinson or Ms Hughff. In turn, they have agreed to pay for a new computer to replace the one their bastard emails destroyed. (A likely excuse. ed) |
|
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Monday 31st January 8.30pm
Ridiculous student quiz hosted by sneering gobshite Jeremy, 'rotweiler'
Paxman, who grills six other twats masquerading as Britain’s elite about
all manner of bollocks. In a second round match, the spotty faced students
of St Hilda's College, Oxford, take on a bunch of common louts from Leicester
University for a place in the quarter finals. Answer this, you spotty
scumbuckets: Nearly 72% of American women have admitted to doing this
with a washing machine? Umm…Good Luck. Swatpiss! Look out for the tweed
jackets. Nice. |
|
GREATEST REALITY TV MOMENTS Monday 31st January 9.00 pm 
When it comes to milking cash cows until the udders squeak, Channel Five
get top marks for rolling out yet another excuse for talentless shits
to make utter arses of themselves on prime time Telly. Presented by Nadia
Almada (picture)—a mouthy transsexual (that's a fat bloke without a knob
to the rest of you) who's only claim to fame is having the biggest (fake)
tits on Big Brother, this two-hour (yes - two fucking hours!)
special counts down the top fifty Reality TV 'Moments' as voted for in
an exclusive poll of complete loosers—sorry, Channel Five viewers. This
completely awful show includes interviews with 'reality stars' past and
present from Edwina Currie to Rebecca Loos. Arse! |
|
EASTENDERS Tuesday 1st February 7.30pm
 Unless
you've been living under a rock for the last week you cannot have failed
to notice the headlines in what passes for the popular press in this sceptic
isle. 'Zoe Pregnant!' screamed the Sun.
'Dirty Den dicks EastEnder's dishiest doxie!' ejaculated
The Batley Bugle. Well, the producer has been replaced, so things
can only get better. It's Utterpants
Playmate of the Year, cute arsed Zoe's 21st birthday, and she receives
an unwanted gift (I do hope she is not referring to the magazine I sent
her last week). Anthony returns to the Square, determined to find the
truth behind his drug-dealing brother's death. I would check out the foundations
of the Walford flyover if I were you, Anthony... |
|
SEASIDE RESCUE
Wednesday 2nd February 7.00pm
Anyone can be in a documentary nowadays as this low-budget BBC effort
proves. Today we are following the work of coastal rescue teams, who spend
most of their days sat in little huts on the beach smoking and watching
daytime TV. There is some action though when a coastguard rescue helicopter
comes to the aid of a mum who severed her finger pulling in the anchor
chain on her yacht (stupid cow). At Perranporth beach, RNLI lifeguards
and the local coastguard work together when disgusting NAZI explosives
are washed ashore, and on a serious note the lifeguards hold a beard-growing
competition. Hello sailor! |
|
TRAFFIC COPS
Wednesday 2nd February 9.30pm
After seeing the lifeguards (above) I bet you're desperate for more cheap
fly on the wall documentaries? Well this tiny budget effort narrated by
tiresome titwank, Jamie Theakeston, follows the hapless traffic police
of South Yorkshire as they enforce the law on some of Britain's busiest
and most dangerous roads whilst eating cream pies (or buns). I watched
it last week and was quite concerned that the undercover officer in an
unmarked car was engaged in a high speed pursuit whilst talking into a
hand held radio. Shouldn't he be using a hands free set? I only ask because
the same programme has shown coppers dishing out tickets to motorists
reckless enough to be caught using mobile phones whilst driving. If you
don’t speak Yorkshire you can get subtitles on Ceefax 888.
|
|
Elsewhere, it's Paul's funeral and Patrick is intent on getting justice for his son. My man in the executive washroom at the BBC informs me that the entire cast and crew have been threatened with the sack if they so much as breathe a word about who's going to bump off Dirty Den on February 19th. Utterpants' firm favourite is Den's scheming missus, Chrissie Watts with odds of 6-4. Next up is cute arse Zoe at 5-2, but my money's on Betty the dog tripping him up outside the Old Vic and sending the scumbucket head first into the cellar where he drowns in a barrel of Skol lager. Priceless! |
|
The author of the Da Vinci Code seems to have followed the same, unwritten literary rule in regard to his audience, who are clearly empty-headed American teenagers with far too much time on their hands. Like the book, this dismal documentary serves up cliché after cliché in Tony Robinson's irritatingly chirpy style. Is the Catholic Church involved in an elaborate conspiracy? Is the Holy Grail held by a sinister society? Who cares. Awful! |
|
MY HERO Friday 4th February 8.30pm
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's camp health-food store owner George
Sunday (Played by Ardal O'Hanlon from 'Father Ted'), better known
as the world's most fatuous superhero, 'Thermoman.' Another
bloody awful excuse for a sitcom about a Gay as a Boat, red-liveried superplonker
from outer space. And that’s about as funny as it gets I'm afraid! Tonight
Thermoman liberates the stolen Mona Lisa from
an art thief's clutches, but comes under suspicion from The Sweeney when
he cannot explain its presence in his flat. Thermoman,
I am reliably informed, is apparently a red-liveried alien from the planet
Ultron whom women find irresistible. Ho ho, fucking ho. |
|
| HOLIDAY
HOMES FROM HELL Friday 4th February 11.00pm 
Hurray! Yet another cockroach-on-the wall docudrama for those of you who
have nothing better to do on a Friday night that veg out on the sofa with
a six pack and box of Kleenex. Tremble as a British GP faces jail in Italy
after being accused of growing wacky baccy in his garden and shudder as
a rural idyll in Crete turns into a Wild West shootout. Idiots! They should
visit Ibiza. On my last holiday to that pisswanking island, my 13-year-old
daughter acquired vaginal thrush from the hotel pool, a rat in the bath
bit my wife on the bum and I got beaten up in a massive pub brawl that
was nothing to do with me. To cap it all, Mrs DeVille broke her ankle
falling over a cement mixer outside our apartment, there was pubic hair
in the bottom of the kettle and the rep was too drunk to sort any of it
out! Laugh? We pissed ourselves. If only we'd videod it we could have
been on this dreadful show. |
|
COOGAN'S BLUFF Saturday
5th February 12.00am
1968 was a busy year for Clint Eastwood, as Hang em High,
Where Eagles Dare and Coogan's Bluff,
all hit the big screen. Clint still wore a cowboy hat in this first attempt
to move from the Wild West into the mean streets of suburbia, but under
Don Siegel's taut direction he carried off the switch with aplomb. With
its black humour, memorable one-liners and a plot with more twists than
a plate of spaghetti, Coogan's Bluff is in many
ways the forerunner of Dirty Harry. Eastwood's
laconic, rural Arizona sheriff tracks down a murderer in Manhattan while
trying to cope with big-city sleaze, escalating crime and culture clash.
This stylish and gritty crime drama set the seal on Eastwood's screen
persona for decades to come and later inspired the McCloud TV series.
|
|
DI'S GUYS Saturday 5th February 8.00pm
The second in a tasteless two-part programme examining the significant
men who sought to protect and advise the late Diana, Princess of Wales.
Well, in short, they didn’t do a very good job, did they? This edition
rakes through her life and loves following her separation, exploring the
mechanisms that drove Diana's chaotic private life, and revealing the
hold she had over men—and they over her. I am reliably informed that the
Princess once spotted some titwank reading a copy of the Sun newspaper
whilst out for a jog, came quietly up behind him, lit a match and set
fire to the bottom of the rag! Pity she didn't incinerate the editor and
his entire bloody staff. Mrs DeVille finds it interesting that so many
close 'friends' of Diana have come out of the closet since her death.
Where were these people when she was alive? Utter bollocks. |
|
SUPER BOWL XXXIX LIVE
Sunday 6th February 10.40pm
For those of you can barely summon up the enthusiasm to watch the World
Cup every four years, I should explain that the Super Bowl allegedly marks
the climax of the American Football season, when the two top teams in
their National League go head to head for the cup—sorry, trophy. (Yawn).
Gobby Gabby Logan and Gary Imlach present coverage from the Alltel Stadium,
Jacksonville, Florida, as defending champions the New England Patriots
take on the Philadelphia Eagles. I would advise anyone over twenty-five
to slip between the sheets early with something hot, but teenage boys
might want to make a night of it in case another gormless US celebrity
gets her silicone implants out for five seconds. Swatpiss! |
|
Words © 2005 - Alex DeVille.
Design and graphics © 2005 utterpants.co.uk |
|
I couldn't put the subject of this documentary down, such was my haste
to finish the book and move on to something written for grown-ups. Mrs
DeVille tells me I am the only person on the planet who thinks this
'thrilling brain candy which unlocks the secrets of the past', is
utter shite. In Anthony Schaffer's brilliant whodunit stage play, Sleuth
(1972), inspector Doppler (Michael Caine) reminds the
arrogant, best-selling thriller author, Andrew Wyke (Sir Laurence Olivier),
that in order for him to succeed at his craft, he must establish the
complete ineptitude of the Long Arm of the Law. 
