Due to circumstances beyond our control there is no TV Guide this week. We're as gutted about that as you are. No, really we are. So gutted in fact, that Ms Givings has buggered off down the pub to drown her sorrows in Bacardi Breezers as she contemplates the mountain of complaints that will be poking its way into her mailbox by Monday morning.

So where the hell is Mr DeVille I hear you ask. Bloody good question. If we knew that we wouldn't have had to post this pathetic notice, now would we? Do you think we enjoy grovelling to you like this? No, we bloody don't! One thing you can be sure of is that when Ms Givings gets hold of Mr DeVille his bottom is going to be history.

Does that make you feel any better? No? Well, there are thirteen other guides you can read. Yes, we know it's unlucky. And yes, some nutter has already pointed out that numbering last week's guide No.13 was asking for trouble so you needn't email us about it, OK? No, we're not going to 'just knock up a quickie', so it's no good asking. Have you any idea how long it takes to write a dozen, witheringly witty and scathingly satirical TV reviews? No, we didn't think you had. Just accept it, OK? There's no guide this week and no amount of whingeing is going to produce one.

Anyway, are you quite sure you've read all the previous guides? There are some very nice pictures to look at if you know where to click. Not interested? Oh well, bugger off then and go and read the BBC TV guide. See if we care.