PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES |
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated! |
Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it. |
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Funny TV Guide | Alex on the
Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK. Alex
DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats |
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| Monday 17th
January - Sunday 23rd January 2005 |
TRAFFIC
COPS Monday 17th January 9.00pm
Crash! Bang! Wallop! Fasten your seatbelts as the BBC spend your license
fee on another pointless police chase. Teenie heartthrob and ex-Radio
1 dosk jickey, Jamie Theakston, presents this 'educational' docudrama
following British traffic police as they harass innocent motorists.
Tonight, well-meaning Northern rozzer, Darren Daniels, stops a flat-capped
titwank who loses control of his car and strays into oncoming traffic,
which just happens to be the PC's own car. "Roads deserve respect,"
our boy in blue advises portentously, while he gives the hapless motorist
a 'stern talking to.' Idiot. Just bang the wanker up in a cell with
a couple of bum bandits. Watch out for the drunk lorry driver who's
caught with his trousers down.
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MEN BEHAVING BADLY Monday
17th January 11.05pm
A repeat of the award-winning 1992 sitcom which made the 'New Lad' into
a cause celebre. Our female readers will need no introduction to the
'New Lad', as most will already be living with some self-centred, rude,
crude, swearing, belching, farting, puking, arrogant wanker, who publicly
rearranges the position of his genitals at every opportunity. Not surprisingly,
men loved this show, identifying with the two male leads (Martin Clunes
and Neil Morrissey) while women tended to like it because it proved
that most men are sad piss artists, interested only in boozing and shagging,
who have not advanced one whit from their Neanderthal ancestors. In
tonight's episode, Gary (Martin Clunes) is forced to choose between
live-in lover Dorothy (Caroline Quentin) and live-in mate Tony. (Neil
Morrissey). Keen-eyed viewers will spot that yummy Lesley Ash looked
pretty fit before some backstreet plastic surgeon gave her a fat lip.
Priceless.
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EASTENDERS Tuesday18th
January 7.30pm
 Fings
are definitely hotting up 'dahn da Square' this week as Dirty Den continues
to meddle in Zoe and Dennis' relationship. Well, the BBC may call it
meddling, I'd call seducing the gorgeous cute arse and filling her lovely
love tunnel with his hideous todger! Former star of the troubled soap,
Lindsey Coulson told Utterpants
she blamed the show's ratings slump on too much booze, sex and crime,
adding: "In one recent episode Little Mo was raped. It's a sad indictment
of our society." No it's not, love. It's a sad indictment of the BBC
who received a brilliant script that embroiled Zoe in a steamy ménage
à trois with Chrissie and Sam, but returned it to me, unread. Idiots!
My source at Broadcasting House tells me that Dirty Den's days are numbered anyway — this time for good — as wife Chrissie, Sam Mitchell and Zoe Slater team up to wreak their revenge on the scheming scumbucket during four dramatic episodes to be screened in February. I can't wait! |
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CELEBRITY KEEP FIT CLUB
Tuesday18th January 8.00pm 
Yet another group of out-of-shape celebrities squeeze onto our screens
for this televisual feast of squirming bottoms, wobbling cellulite and
wheezing chests — and that's just the blokes! Four frumpy C-list women
join darts champion, Andy Fordham and three other fat bastards on a
health and fitness regime under the watchful eye of US marine Harvey
Walden IV and nutritionist Dr Adam Carey. Looking like he's spent the
night in a septic tank, prize titwank, Dale Winton, presents this shitty
show with a script straight out of the bottom of the producer's toilet.
Why the hell don't they go the whole hog and call it 'Celebrity Fat
Bastards Club'? The sad wankers who take part in tonight's episode certainly
look like they've eaten a porker, while Andy Fordham, seems to have
stuffed an entire herd up his jumper. ITV seems to think this show will
'educate' the half of the country that is overweight into eating more
sensibly. Will it bollocks. They don't need 'educating', they just need
to stop
stuffing their bloody faces. Twats!
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YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT Wednesday 19th January 8.00pm 
 Clearly
someone 'in the know' has decided it's Fatty Week on the box as Channel
4 scramble onto the obesity snackwagon with this desperately sad show
masquerading as serious television. Gobby nutritionist, Dr Gillian McKeith,
offers priceless advice to overweight
slobs desperately keen to shed a few pounds. Unsurprisingly, her
first victim complains she is constipated, lacks energy and has a low
sex drive which the brilliant quack puts down to a diet of burgers and
kebabs snatched on the way home from work. Surely not! We learn that
'Rosie' eats no fresh food and no vegetables apart from a few over-cooked
peas and a single piece of fruit! Astonishing! Will Dr McKeith be able
to persuade Rosie to ditch the convenience food and change the eating
habits of a lifetime? Do we care? Fucking awful.
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A PLACE IN THE SUN
Thursday 20th January 8.00pm
My source at the Met Office tells me it's going to be another long,
cold, wet British winter, but tonight you can pop your shades on and
get out the baby oil for a whole hour of glorious house-hunting in the
Sun. Hooray! Buxom beachbabe, Amanda Lamb (picture), returns in a new-look,
peak-time series of the overseas property programme. Clueless chums,
Rupert Enson and Beth Christopher, look for a holiday home in the up-and-coming
eastern European destination of Slovenia. Are they mad? Slovenia is
a dreadful dump. Our readers may remember Amanda from a series of high profile ads flogging dodgy, Scottish Widows insurance. Sadly, the busty beauty has obviously had a few too many fish suppers since then. I suggest she volunteers for Celebrity Keep Fit Club (see above). Wank! |
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| RICK STEIN'S FOOD HEROES:
Another Helping Thursday 20th January 8.00pm 
Rick Stein and Chalky (Rick's mangy mutt) have a treat in store for
all you armchair gastronauts as they continue their culinary quest,
funded entirely by us, the taxpayer. This week, the chirpy chef attends
a food festival in the Yorkshire Dales, visits an idyllic walled garden
and meets a charismatic Edinburgh fish merchant. Plus the secrets of
a good Bloody Mary. Lisa Milton (Book Club Association), advises: "A
girl could do a lot worse than buying Stein's latest book, Food
Heroes: Another helping. Food doesn’t come much more sensuous
than goats' cheese soufflé, grilled scallops and a white wine syllabub."
Yes it does, as the lucky bastard who gets to lick melted chocolate
off the thighs of Zoe Slater (Michelle Ryan) will tell you, you dozy
tart. Arse!
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29
MINUTES OF FAME Friday 21st January 9.30pm
The BBC really is scraping the barrel with this complete waste of your
license fee. As if the nightly barrage of shitty 'C-list' celebrity
reality TV shows wasn't enough, they've now produced a game show about
them! One half of the zany comedy duo, Bob Mortimer hosts, as two teams
of famous faces display their in-depth knowledge of slightly less famous
faces (yawn). Stephen Fry and Jason Wood are among the guests.
"Modern society is obsessed with celebrity," Bob told Utterpants
excitedly. "I’ve got a room at home entirely covered in posters of my
favourite stars." Have you really? Somehow I think he's taking the piss.
Apparently Bob can handle the attention fame has brought him, but complained:
“Those camera phones are a pain though. You get them thrust at you all
the time!” I wish someone would thrust one up the backside of the wanker
who commissioned this programme.
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FILTHY HOMES FROM
HELL Friday 21st January 11.00pm
If you want to get your three bed semi on the telly there are several
ways to go about it. You can put it up for sale, make catastrophic DIY
alterations, or bonk a celebrity on the doorstep and wait until the
cameras arrive. Or you could simply stop cleaning. But if you want to
appear on this show you'll need to up the anti. Ideally you should shit
all over the floor or asphyxiate a sex slave in your bed and let the
body decompose for a year or three. These are just two of the many bids
for fame uncovered in this tasteless docudrama narrated by Andrew Sachs,
as the ex-Hotel waiter enters some of the filthiest hovels in Britain.
Are these people mad? The programme makers clearly aren't, because I
predict several million viewers will tune in to gawp at this pile of
screaming odure. What next? The World's filthiest knickers? Filthy arseholes
from Hell? Come to think of it, that wouldn't be much of a contest as
the makers of this utterly puerile programme would be sure to win it.
Take my advice, give this a miss and curl up in bed with something hot.
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STARS IN THEIR EYES Saturday 22nd January 7.10pm
Sultry sexbomb, Cat Deeley (picture) presents the show that gives contestants
the chance to be their favourite singer for the night. ( If Cat sits
on my lap I can promise her a tune she won't forget in a hurry). Tonight's
five contestants will be masquerading as Justin Hawkins (who?), Lulu,
Bryan Adams, Christina
Aguilera and Emma Bunton. All I can say is that the slapper doing
Christina better get her tits out or she won't be getting my vote. What
I love about this show is that you can always count on there being two
or three celebrity crooners you've never heard of, the audience has
never heard of (but will applaud anyway) and the producers have never
heard of, but will award points to regardless. Mmm, nice!
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NEAR DARK Saturday 22nd January 11.50pm
 Vampires,
crosses and garlic are never mentioned in this cult horror flick from
1987, which is a firm favourite with Utterpants' top writer, Jennifer
Gardner (no, not 'Garner' - Gardner).
Adrian Pasdar stars as the luckless farm boy seduced by toothsome teen
vamp, Jenny
Wright into her itinerant family of gangster bloodsuckers, who manage
to keep one step ahead of the law and daylight. Director Kathryn Bigelow
blends the road movie, the western and the horror genres into one visually
stunning and scary rollercoaster that slickly examines the violent lifestyle
of the outlaw gang. Topping the bill are Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton
as the leading ghouls, who both deliver outstanding performances of
moral decay and degeneracy, infused with a self-mocking, black humour
that makes their savagery all the more frightening. Near
Dark was overshadowed on its release by the much lighter
film, Lost Boys, which denied it the publicity it should have
had — a disadvantage compounded when the studio who made it, went bankrupt.
As a result, the film flopped at the Box Office. Get the missus to make
a garlic dip, crack open a beer and enjoy.
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| THE SOUTH BANK SHOW - TRACEY EMIN Sunday 23rd January 11.15pm
Adenoidal, northern aesthete, Melvyn Bragg, talks to notorious 'Brit Art'
figurehead, Tracey Emin, about her controversial career and recent solo
show. Crude, rude, dim, slutty, ill-informed and objectionable. All these
words have been used to condemn Tracey as a worthless con-artist. Self-styled
'Mad Tracey from Margate' (her own description) Emin, is a product of
the 21st century obsession with being 'famous for being famous.' There
is no doubt that she is a celebrity, but whether that celebrity is based
on anything more than the clever manipulation of the art world Melvyn
Bragg is unlikely to discover in a programme that is sure to home in on
the sleaziest aspects of her work. Expect to see a lot of dirty undies.
Mmm — great! |
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This weeks review has been compiled
by Miranda Givings and Derek Tree as Alex DeVille suddenly decided to take a short holiday without telling anyone! © 2005 utterpants.co.uk |
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