TV Guide
PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box
Funny TV Guide | Alex on the Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats
Monday 17th January - Sunday 23rd January 2005
TRAFFIC COPS Monday 17th January 9.00pm
BBC 1 Star rating 2
Traffic Cops Crash! Bang! Wallop! Fasten your seatbelts as the BBC spend your license fee on another pointless police chase. Teenie heartthrob and ex-Radio 1 dosk jickey, Jamie Theakston, presents this 'educational' docudrama following British traffic police as they harass innocent motorists. Tonight, well-meaning Northern rozzer, Darren Daniels, stops a flat-capped titwank who loses control of his car and strays into oncoming traffic, which just happens to be the PC's own car. "Roads deserve respect," our boy in blue advises portentously, while he gives the hapless motorist a 'stern talking to.' Idiot. Just bang the wanker up in a cell with a couple of bum bandits. Watch out for the drunk lorry driver who's caught with his trousers down.
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utterchoice MEN BEHAVING BADLY Monday 17th January 11.05pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Men behaving badly A repeat of the award-winning 1992 sitcom which made the 'New Lad' into a cause celebre. Our female readers will need no introduction to the 'New Lad', as most will already be living with some self-centred, rude, crude, swearing, belching, farting, puking, arrogant wanker, who publicly rearranges the position of his genitals at every opportunity. Not surprisingly, men loved this show, identifying with the two male leads (Martin Clunes and Neil Morrissey) while women tended to like it because it proved that most men are sad piss artists, interested only in boozing and shagging, who have not advanced one whit from their Neanderthal ancestors. In tonight's episode, Gary (Martin Clunes) is forced to choose between live-in lover Dorothy (Caroline Quentin) and live-in mate Tony. (Neil Morrissey). Keen-eyed viewers will spot that yummy Lesley Ash looked pretty fit before some backstreet plastic surgeon gave her a fat lip. Priceless.
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utterchoice EASTENDERS Tuesday18th January 7.30pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Cute arse ZoeFings are definitely hotting up 'dahn da Square' this week as Dirty Den continues to meddle in Zoe and Dennis' relationship. Well, the BBC may call it meddling, I'd call seducing the gorgeous cute arse and filling her lovely love tunnel with his hideous todger! Former star of the troubled soap, Lindsey Coulson told Utterpants she blamed the show's ratings slump on too much booze, sex and crime, adding: "In one recent episode Little Mo was raped. It's a sad indictment of our society." No it's not, love. It's a sad indictment of the BBC who received a brilliant script that embroiled Zoe in a steamy ménage à trois with Chrissie and Sam, but returned it to me, unread. Idiots!
My source at Broadcasting House tells me that Dirty Den's days are numbered anyway — this time for good — as wife Chrissie, Sam Mitchell and Zoe Slater team up to wreak their revenge on the scheming scumbucket during four dramatic episodes to be screened in February. I can't wait!
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uttercrap CELEBRITY KEEP FIT CLUB Tuesday18th January 8.00pm ITV 1 Star rating 1
CELEBRITY KEEP FIT CLUB Yet another group of out-of-shape celebrities squeeze onto our screens for this televisual feast of squirming bottoms, wobbling cellulite and wheezing chests — and that's just the blokes! Four frumpy C-list women join darts champion, Andy Fordham and three other fat bastards on a health and fitness regime under the watchful eye of US marine Harvey Walden IV and nutritionist Dr Adam Carey. Looking like he's spent the night in a septic tank, prize titwank, Dale Winton, presents this shitty show with a script straight out of the bottom of the producer's toilet. Why the hell don't they go the whole hog and call it 'Celebrity Fat Bastards Club'? The sad wankers who take part in tonight's episode certainly look like they've eaten a porker, while Andy Fordham, seems to have stuffed an entire herd up his jumper. ITV seems to think this show will 'educate' the half of the country that is overweight into eating more sensibly. Will it bollocks. They don't need 'educating', they just need to stop stuffing their bloody faces. Twats!
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uttercrap YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT
Wednesday 19th January 8.00pm Channel 4 Star rating 1
YOU ARE WHAT YOU  EATClearly someone 'in the know' has decided it's Fatty Week on the box as Channel 4 scramble onto the obesity snackwagon with this desperately sad show masquerading as serious television. Gobby nutritionist, Dr Gillian McKeith, offers priceless advice to overweight slobs desperately keen to shed a few pounds. Unsurprisingly, her first victim complains she is constipated, lacks energy and has a low sex drive which the brilliant quack puts down to a diet of burgers and kebabs snatched on the way home from work. Surely not! We learn that 'Rosie' eats no fresh food and no vegetables apart from a few over-cooked peas and a single piece of fruit! Astonishing! Will Dr McKeith be able to persuade Rosie to ditch the convenience food and change the eating habits of a lifetime? Do we care? Fucking awful.
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A PLACE IN THE SUN Thursday 20th January 8.00pm
Channel 4 Star rating 3
Amanda Lamb My source at the Met Office tells me it's going to be another long, cold, wet British winter, but tonight you can pop your shades on and get out the baby oil for a whole hour of glorious house-hunting in the Sun. Hooray! Buxom beachbabe, Amanda Lamb (picture), returns in a new-look, peak-time series of the overseas property programme. Clueless chums, Rupert Enson and Beth Christopher, look for a holiday home in the up-and-coming eastern European destination of Slovenia. Are they mad? Slovenia is a dreadful dump.
Our readers may remember Amanda from a series of high profile ads flogging dodgy, Scottish Widows insurance. Sadly, the busty beauty has obviously had a few too many fish suppers since then. I suggest she volunteers for Celebrity Keep Fit Club (see above). Wank!
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RICK STEIN'S FOOD HEROES: Another Helping
Thursday 20th January 8.00pm BBC 2 Star rating 2
RICK STEIN'S FOOD HEROES: Another Helping Rick Stein and Chalky (Rick's mangy mutt) have a treat in store for all you armchair gastronauts as they continue their culinary quest, funded entirely by us, the taxpayer. This week, the chirpy chef attends a food festival in the Yorkshire Dales, visits an idyllic walled garden and meets a charismatic Edinburgh fish merchant. Plus the secrets of a good Bloody Mary. Lisa Milton (Book Club Association), advises: "A girl could do a lot worse than buying Stein's latest book, Food Heroes: Another helping. Food doesn’t come much more sensuous than goats' cheese soufflé, grilled scallops and a white wine syllabub." Yes it does, as the lucky bastard who gets to lick melted chocolate off the thighs of Zoe Slater (Michelle Ryan) will tell you, you dozy tart. Arse!
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29 MINUTES OF FAME Friday 21st January 9.30pm
BBC 1 Star rating 2
Bob Mortimer The BBC really is scraping the barrel with this complete waste of your license fee. As if the nightly barrage of shitty 'C-list' celebrity reality TV shows wasn't enough, they've now produced a game show about them! One half of the zany comedy duo, Bob Mortimer hosts, as two teams of famous faces display their in-depth knowledge of slightly less famous faces (yawn). Stephen Fry and Jason Wood are among the guests. "Modern society is obsessed with celebrity," Bob told Utterpants excitedly. "I’ve got a room at home entirely covered in posters of my favourite stars." Have you really? Somehow I think he's taking the piss. Apparently Bob can handle the attention fame has brought him, but complained: “Those camera phones are a pain though. You get them thrust at you all the time!” I wish someone would thrust one up the backside of the wanker who commissioned this programme.
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uttercrap FILTHY HOMES FROM HELL
Friday 21st January 11.00pm ITV 1 Star rating 1
Filthy Homes from Hell If you want to get your three bed semi on the telly there are several ways to go about it. You can put it up for sale, make catastrophic DIY alterations, or bonk a celebrity on the doorstep and wait until the cameras arrive. Or you could simply stop cleaning. But if you want to appear on this show you'll need to up the anti. Ideally you should shit all over the floor or asphyxiate a sex slave in your bed and let the body decompose for a year or three. These are just two of the many bids for fame uncovered in this tasteless docudrama narrated by Andrew Sachs, as the ex-Hotel waiter enters some of the filthiest hovels in Britain. Are these people mad? The programme makers clearly aren't, because I predict several million viewers will tune in to gawp at this pile of screaming odure. What next? The World's filthiest knickers? Filthy arseholes from Hell? Come to think of it, that wouldn't be much of a contest as the makers of this utterly puerile programme would be sure to win it. Take my advice, give this a miss and curl up in bed with something hot.
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STARS IN THEIR EYES Saturday 22nd January 7.10pm
ITV 1Star rating 3
Cat Deeley Sultry sexbomb, Cat Deeley (picture) presents the show that gives contestants the chance to be their favourite singer for the night. ( If Cat sits on my lap I can promise her a tune she won't forget in a hurry). Tonight's five contestants will be masquerading as Justin Hawkins (who?), Lulu, Bryan Adams, Christina Aguilera and Emma Bunton. All I can say is that the slapper doing Christina better get her tits out or she won't be getting my vote. What I love about this show is that you can always count on there being two or three celebrity crooners you've never heard of, the audience has never heard of (but will applaud anyway) and the producers have never heard of, but will award points to regardless. Mmm, nice!
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Film utterchoice NEAR DARK Saturday 22nd January 11.50pm BBC 1 Star rating 4
Near DarkVampires, crosses and garlic are never mentioned in this cult horror flick from 1987, which is a firm favourite with Utterpants' top writer, Jennifer Gardner (no, not 'Garner' - Gardner). Adrian Pasdar stars as the luckless farm boy seduced by toothsome teen vamp, Jenny Wright into her itinerant family of gangster bloodsuckers, who manage to keep one step ahead of the law and daylight. Director Kathryn Bigelow blends the road movie, the western and the horror genres into one visually stunning and scary rollercoaster that slickly examines the violent lifestyle of the outlaw gang. Topping the bill are Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton as the leading ghouls, who both deliver outstanding performances of moral decay and degeneracy, infused with a self-mocking, black humour that makes their savagery all the more frightening. Near Dark was overshadowed on its release by the much lighter film, Lost Boys, which denied it the publicity it should have had — a disadvantage compounded when the studio who made it, went bankrupt. As a result, the film flopped at the Box Office. Get the missus to make a garlic dip, crack open a beer and enjoy.
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THE SOUTH BANK SHOW - TRACEY EMIN
Sunday 23rd January 11.15pm ITV 1Star rating 3
Tracey Emin Adenoidal, northern aesthete, Melvyn Bragg, talks to notorious 'Brit Art' figurehead, Tracey Emin, about her controversial career and recent solo show. Crude, rude, dim, slutty, ill-informed and objectionable. All these words have been used to condemn Tracey as a worthless con-artist. Self-styled 'Mad Tracey from Margate' (her own description) Emin, is a product of the 21st century obsession with being 'famous for being famous.' There is no doubt that she is a celebrity, but whether that celebrity is based on anything more than the clever manipulation of the art world Melvyn Bragg is unlikely to discover in a programme that is sure to home in on the sleaziest aspects of her work. Expect to see a lot of dirty undies. Mmm — great!
This weeks review has been compiled by Miranda Givings and Derek Tree
as Alex DeVille suddenly decided to take a short holiday without telling anyone!
© 2005 utterpants.co.uk
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THIS WEEK

TV GUIDE RATINGS

Star rating 4 Unmissable

Star rating 3Worth watching

Star rating 2 Barely bloody watchable

Star rating 1A complete waste of your license fee

Previously on TV GUIDE

10th January -
16th January 2005

3rd January -
9th January 2005

27th December 2004 -
2nd January 2005

Christmas on the Box: 20th December -
26th December 2004

13th December -
19th December 2004

6th December -
12th December 2004

29th November -
5th December 2004

22nd November -
28th November 2004

15th November -
21st November 2004

8th November -
14th November 2004

1st November -
7th November 2004

25th OCTOBER -
1st November 2004

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