Funny TV Guide | Alex on the Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK

PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

Funny TV Guide | Alex on the Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats

Monday 10th January - Sunday 16th January 2005

READY STEADY COOK Monday 10th January 4.30pm
Although the art of cooking seems mysterious at first, this programme dumbs down one of the greatest skills a person can have and tries to make everyone a ‘master chef’. I've said it before and I will say it again: This show is utter, stinking crap. The BBC arrogantly advertise this complete waste of your license fee as: ‘Talented chefs battling it out against the clock, creating delicious dishes in twenty minutes’. I would say: ‘extremely annoying celebrity wannabes talk total bollocks whilst throwing cheap food in a pan and flirting with the female contestants.’ Presented by Ainsley ‘take me from behind’ Harriott, assisted by celebrity-seeking chefs, Brian Turner and Ross Burden. I fully expect to see 'Nude Celebrity Chef' on our screens later this year (see picture).
The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234

HOLIDAY 2005 Monday 10th December 7.00pm

It’s the show where we pay celebrities to go on holiday! Now that the BBC seems to have assumed that we’ve all forgotten the awful horror, pain and suffering of the catastrophic tsunami in Asia, bubbly Ginny Buckley travels to an elephant camp in Northern Thailand to check out an unusual holiday! I suspect this segment of the show may be pulled before transmission (but don’t bank on it). Joe Mace reports from La Gomera in the Canary Islands and veteran TV anchorbabe, Angela Rippon (of Morecombe and Wise fame), reports on skiing from Utah. She may even do a bare legged dance if we’re lucky.

VOTE FOR ME Monday 10th January 11.00pm

Talk about scraping the barrel, this show takes the biscuit and opens a can of worms. It’s basically a week of stupid programmes in search of someone who could stand as an independent candidate in a general election. How the hell can the public be expected to mess in the Machiavellian world of national politics? Sixty political hopefuls are trying to convince fat-arsed gobshite, Lorraine Kelly (picture), John Sergeant (has-been TV reporter) and Kelvin Mackenzie (has-been newspaper editor) that they have what it takes to be crowned the people's champion. What the fuck does Lorraine Kelly know about politics? The dozy slapper has just released a keep-fit DVD for Pete’s sake. The final takes place on Friday. Talk about putting the pussy amongst the pigeons. Yabba, yabba, wank!

EASTENDERS Tuesday 11th January 7.30pm

Hooray! It's Zoe week dahn the Square as Utterpants Playmate of 2004, Zoe Slater (Michelle Ryan), tries every trick in the book to get hardnut, Dennis, back in her bed. When that fails she tries her seduction technique on someone else. Who can it be? I know who it won't be. Give it up, girl and answer my bloody emails. Elsewhere, Dot and Pauline continue to speculate over the mysterious red knickers they found in Patrick’s bag. I can save them the trouble - they're Mrs DeVille's! Fans of the show will be well gutted to learn that the BBC are planning to ditch Walford's fiery family after running out of new scandals to embroil the scumbucketing Slaters in. Surely not? Little Mo's only been raped twice, cute arse Zoe was only involved in one love triangle (Sharon and Dennis) and Kat has only shagged Andy and Alfie. (Though not at the same time). It's those clowns (Alfie's cousins), who should depart stage right rapidement.
This programme in serious danger of becoming a second rate sitcom. (Not that I watch, you understand). The truth is, the principal actors contracts are up for renewal this summer and they want out. (I don't blame them). Sexbomb Michelle Ryan (20), who plays Zoe, told Utterpants she will be heading off at the end of the year to pursue a career in film and modelling. Hooray! It's high time we saw a lot more of her lovely young body than the BBC have deigned to show us.

AUSCHWITZ: The Nazis and The Final Solution
Tuesday 11th January 9.00pm

The past few weeks has seen us endure a non-stop diet of human misery; watching the heartbreak and pain suffered by those effected in Asia has left many of us feeling numb and helpless. Tonight we get a chance to rewind to the pain of people sixty years ago in this dismal documentary which looks at the Nazi death camp, Auschwitz. According to the BBC, almost half the adult population (45%) claim to have never even heard of Auschwitz, and amongst women under 35, the figure is even higher, at 60%.

On that basis why not make a series about one-legged lesbian serial killers? Almost no one has heard of them. Arse! Pompous producer, Laurence Rees, justifies this appalling waste of your license fee, by claiming the series will reveal 'how and why the Nazis came to do what they did.' Anyone who doesn't know the answer to that in the wake of 9/11 and the Iraqi invasion isn't going to learn it from this programme. 'I feel passionately that being horrified is not enough', says titwank, Rees. 'We need to understand how and why such horrors happened if we are ever to be able to stop them occurring again.'

What utter bollocks! They're occurring right now, you moron, all over the world and will continue to occur so long as nothing is done to overcome the fear, hatred and intolerance that divides individuals, families and nations. Come on BBC, are you sure you know what you're doing? I'm starting to think we should bring Greg Dyke back, or, even worse, Marmaduke Hussey.
That number to complain to the BBC again is: 0207 566 1234

BARGAIN HUNT Wednesday 12th January 12.15pm

It’s the dreary budget antiques show presented by prize plonker, Tim Wonnacott (gappy teeth, bow tie, and outrageous jacket — anything to get attention). This week, several dimwits desperate for dosh, try to palm off old junk at the Jaguar Antiques Fair in Kedleston, Derbyshire. Dodgy 'experts' Adam Partridge (every bit a real life Alan Partridge) and James Braxton advise the teams (consisting of sad wankers so desperately poor they can't even afford a lottery ticket) on the best antiques to buy in one hour with £200 to spend. You can’t even buy a stressburger in Soho for two hundred quid nowadays. Pathetic.

BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS VII Wednesday 12th January 9.35pm

What great fun on a tiny budget! This jolly retrospective romp is basically a series of clips of ‘stars’ in their early days in show business. My old pal Angus Deayton plays footage of juicy arsed Halle Berry, camp songster Will Young and football clown Rio Ferdinand and himself, before fame came knocking on their doors. I have some footage of Angus from a few years ago, but its not the kind of stuff BBC 1 would broadcast…its more INXTC TV material (But you will need an adult smart card to enjoy that televisual feast). Enjoy.

JUDGE JOHN DEED Thursday 13th January 8.00pm

Drama series about a sex mad High Court judge played by 70’s TV heart throb Martin Shaw (of that cop show fame). Tonight fictional barrister, yummy Jo Mills (played by Jenny Seagrove, picture) defends a disgusting drug addict charged with attempted murder. Outside court, Deed has an up-and-down (or in and out) relationship with Jo and his glamorous ex-wife, Georgina Channing (yet another barrister, played by posh sexbomb, Caroline Langrishe). Rest assured it will all end well. Martin always has the last laugh in this popular ‘serious drama’.

RICHARD AND JUDY Friday 14th January 5.00pm

More like Punch and Judy. Frumpy old housewife, Judy Finnigan and petrol station tea-leaf, Richard Madeley, present a live ‘entertainment show’, featuring celebrity C-list guests, so-called topical talking points, crappy competitions and exclusive previews and reports. Richard also sets the world to rights with his blinkered view of current affairs. It’s so nice to be treated to this uninformed opinion on a nightly basis. Well done Channel 4! Utterly dreadful.

TOP OF THE POPS Friday 14th January 7.30pm

More mindless crap performed by talentless shits live at Television centre! See the best of the week's Top twenty chart, live bands and the No 1 single! This week the show features the bloody awful Irish idiots U2, who have definitely passed their sell by date. At least we're spared an appearance by opinionated gobshite, Bono. Daniel Bedingfield is also on the show. Pity, I would much rather see his scrummy sister, Natasha get her kit off (picture). Wank!

MATCH OF THE DAY Saturday 15th January 10.20

Grey haired super-stud Gary Lineker presents highlights of all eight of today's Premiership matches! Additional on-screen comedy is provided by Ray Stubbs, John Motson (aka Motty) and oh-so-bloody right, Alan Green. Liverpool and Manchester United meet at Anfield, Chelsea travel to Tottenham, Arsenal are at Bolton's Reebok Stadium, and Newcastle are looking to protect a fine recent run against Southampton, having not lost at home to the Saints for eight years. Best switch to BBC 2 to catch the movie ‘The Majestic’ which has just started.

HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER
Saturday 15th January 10.55pm

Sex, sadism and the supernatural stalk a small, frontier town in this stylish, cult western from 1973. Director, Clint Eastwood, is on top form as the laconic hero who rides into Largo to wreak retribution on the town's inhabitants who stood by while their honest sheriff was whipped to death. Social satire, moral fable or revenge flick, take your pick. In this distinctive variation on the spaghetti western genre, Eastwood seems, not altogether successfully, to be paying off debts to his former mentor, Sergio Leone. Watch out for the opening scene when sassy hooker, Sarah Belding (Verna Bloom) gets what's coming to her and the annoying local dwarf (brilliantly overplayed by Billy Curtis).

My favourite bit is when Eastwood turfs everyone out of the hotel and the local preacher confronts him with: "Now look here, brother, you can't put all these people in the street like this. It's inhuman!" "I'm not your brother," replies Eastwood in that raspy voice. "We are all brothers and sisters in the eyes of Gawd!" counters the preacher. Eastwood points to the street. "You mean all these people out there are your brothers and sisters?" "They certainly are!" "Well then you won't mind if they come over and stay at your place..." Priceless!