TV Guide
PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box
Alex on the Box: your Essential Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats
TV GUIDE: Monday 3rd January - Sunday 9th January 2005

utterchoice Film CARRY ON SCREAMING
Monday 3rd January 7.15pm Channel 4 Star rating 4
Carry on Screaming Cor Blimey Guv’nor! Oh Missus! What a lovely pair! Boing! The entire deceased carry on team are back with a side splitting camped up horror spoof from 1966. Something strange is happening in the woods — big-breasted young women are being abducted by a huge, mysterious creature. Harry H Corbett (Harold from Steptoe and Son) leads the bumbling investigation armed with enough double entendres and priapic puns to keep a Sun editor happy for a month. With characters like 'Sergeant Bung' and 'Slobotham' you know that it’s all harmless fun, provided you don’t mind racist, sexist and bigoted remarks from forty years ago. You daft darkie! Oh look how fat she is! Hahaha (a lá Sid James). Wonderful!

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utterchoice EASTENDERS Monday 3rd January 8.00pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Sam and Minty Wasn’t Christmas fantastic? What a roller coaster of non-stop unadulterated drama! I'm still having nightmares about that scumbucket Andy ripping off Sam’s wedding ring on the doorstep. I will not permit that kind of humiliation on primetime TV. He is such a bastard scumbucket. Anyway, it's New Year in the fictional market and the hapless, go-lucky, leather-clad Alfie, tries his best to keep those little wankers Danny and Jake away from business tycoon wannabe, Spencer. Poor old Ian feels rejected (that guy never has any luck; its about time the writers threw him a bone). Adulteress Jane struggles to come to terms with David's death while Patrick and Yolande prepare for their first day in the Minute Mart, unaware that their bad-boy son, Paul, is now propping up a flyover on the M1. Unmissable!
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SHOOTING STARS Tuesday 4th January 7.00pm
BBC 2 Star rating 2
Victoria Silvstedt "George Dawrs what are those scores?" Gay as a Boat, George is bald and plays the drums, whilst revealing the scores on this celebrity fun-quiz type show! Fantastic. Well dressed northern circuit comics Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer host the show with team captains Will Self (a very clever bloke despite a long, gormless face that could curdle new milk at 100 yards) and Ulrika 'everyone's had me' Jonsson (no, I wouldn’t love, sorry — maybe ten years ago). Tonight the wackiness kicks off with reedy-voiced titwank, Johnny Vegas and guests, Swedish sexbomb, Victoria Silvstedt (yes, I would), Eddy Grant (awful 80’s pop star) and glam garage triage Mis-teeq frontwoman, Sabrina Washington.
Look out for Johnny Vegas drinking a pint of Guinness, priceless stuff. Our older male readers may like to know that Victoria (picture) is not just a six feet tall, platinum blonde bimbo with big tits. "Boys want to see a pretty girl," the pneumatic model chortled recently. No, they don't, Vic. They want to see you get your tits out on tonight's show. The buxom Ms Silvstedt has recently crossed the Pond in the hopes of becoming a star. I am convinced there is a secret factory somewhere where they breed these brainless, todger-teasing tarts. Wank!
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WIFE SWAP SPECIALWednesday 5th January 9.00pm
Chanel 4 Star rating 3
Wife Swap Special It’s a very kinky reality programme in which wives swap their husbands, children and homes for two weeks. Sounds great! Sign me up today, I’ll try someone else’s tart for a couple of weeks! Tonight obedient Bonnie trades places with so-called modern wife Derenda. Obedient eh? I love that word. Sadly we don’t get to see any rumpy pumpy between the consenting ‘swappers’, but you can imagine what goes on when the cameras are switched off. Woof, woof! Clever Bonnie treats her husband, Pete 'as a mix of the Prime Minister and the Divine' (she sounds like a well-trained lady), while Derenda views men as being useful for sex and money, and expects her partner Alani to do all the cooking and cleaning (bitch!). Will the couples learn from each other’s differing lifestyles? A good hiding with a birch paddle would soon sort Derenda out, the saucy minx!
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uttercrap WORLD DARTS
Wednesday 5th January 11.20pm BBC 2 Star rating 1
World Darts It’s a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Colosseum when the Christians were on the menu. What a lovely shot! Fat, northern sweaty blokes in green, shiny shirts throw darts (or arrows) and swig bitter. Look out for the army of fat, blonde women in the audience doting on the players every move; it’s fucking incredible. Even the kids are drinking beer and sporting Jim Bowen T-shirts. Tony Green provides the commentary, with the message “Life is simple: Sex, Beer, Darts." Whoever said 'darts isn't a sport, its just what fat blokes do down da boozer' was talking complete bollocks.
ComplainThe number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234
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utterchoice TARRANT ON TV Thursday 6th January 11.00pm
ITV 1 Star rating 4
Tarrant on TVHold on to your tits….this could be the funniest programme on TV EVER! Hilarious frothy funster, Chris Tarrant, features outrageous moments from television programmes around the world. Tonight we see a man smashing water melons with his head (too funny, I can’t wait to see that), a woman with the biggest breasts in the world (oh la la, see Carry On Screaming, above), and a doctor who has twelve fingers. Which reminds me of the cutting Mrs DeVille snipped out of the Batley Bugle last week: 'Seven foot doctors sue hospital over staff cuts.' Chortle! Set the VCR, take the phone of the hook and get your arse parked in your favourite easy chair.
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utterchoice EASTENDERS Friday 7th January 8.00pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Cute arse Zoe It's all 'appenin' dahn the Square this week! Dirty Den receives some devastating news about Sharon. (what can it be?) and has an idea for cute arse, Zoe’s phantom pregnancy to come true. “You an’ me can’t ’ang abaht any longer, darlin,” leers the gangsta mutha, “If Dennis aint up to it, I’ll ’ave to do the job.” Don't do it Zoe! Spineless Spencer won't be cracking open the bubbly either as he's roped into Danny Moon's half-witted plan. Having stashed his bag full of 'moody money' and nicked 'charlie' on top of a wardrobe, Danny now needs someone helpful, agile and very gullible to get it back. Meanwhile, Sam Hunter (née Mitchell) sobs into her latte: “I’ve lost everyfing. I’ve lost the Vic, the Arches, Andy..” Stop whining you dozy cow and just call the Samaritans. Wank! How the East End ever got a reputation for the quality of its gangsters is a mystery that continues to elude me.
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A TOUCH OF FROSTFriday 7th January 8.30pm
ITV 1 Star rating 3
A Touch of Frost Tres Bien Rodders! Bonjour! Del Boy is back playing a daft, doddering northern copper with attitude! (in a similar style to his loveable Cockney rogue and wheeler-dealer character in 'Only Fools and Horses'). Sadly there is no Rodney, Granddad or Boycie in tonight’s thrilling episode. An unsolved case returns to haunt Del Boy — sorry, Inspector Frost — when a man is found hanged in his apartment in Peckham. (I made that up, sorry.) However, according to the Old Bill’s records, the victim died over a year before. Blow up dolls, Lovely Jubbly, Cushty, Rodders, you plonker. This time next year we'll be millionaires! Three wheeled van, yabba yabba.
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uttercrap NATIONAL LOTTERY Wright around the World
Saturday 8th January 7.30pm BBC 1 Star rating 1
Ian Wright Poor people think they can change their lives by spending a quid on a bloody lotto ticket. Well, I'm sorry to disillusion you, but life doesn’t work like that. It takes work, study, determination and good old-fashioned elbow grease to get anywhere. Ian Wright (picture) knows all about hard work, he kicked a ball around a field for six years for Crystal Palace and Arsenal before landing this cushy show in which six contestants battle it out to win a round-the-world ticket. Ian is the televisual epitome of the blokish, 'sarf Lundunner', which may explain why the BBC spent a whopping amount of wogga to lure him away from ITV. Thomas Edison: "There is no substitute for hard work." Alex DeVille: "There's a wanker born every minute." Arse!
ComplainThat number to complain to the BBC again is 0207 566 1234
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uttercrap CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER
Saturday 8th January 9.00pm Channel 4 Star rating 1
shagaholic slapper Abi Titmuss You should really be down the pub with your mates or giving your partner a right good seeing-to at this time on a Saturday evening. But if you’re a sad, social outcast you can watch people just like you in the show that plumbs the depths of human degradation. Rumour has it that certifiable loony David Icke, shagaholic slapper, Abi Titmiss (picture) and Emma 'Baby Spice' Bunton will be among the house guests. But I can exclusively reveal to Utterpants readers that Great Danish bunny-boiler, Brigitte Nielson, will be wandering around the house stark bollock naked, 24 hours a day. If that doesn't put you off this pile of utter shite, nothing will. Fucking awful.
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Film FROM DUSK TILL DAWN
Sunday 9th January 10.00pm Channel 4 Star rating 3
Salma Hayek Director, Robert Rodriguez, hit the big time in 1996 with this shoot 'em up road movie cum horror flick in which two criminal brothers on the run, kidnap a family and hide out in a Mexican nightclub, only to discover that the bar's clientele are a bunch of bloodsucking demons. Sadly they turn out to be vampires and not estate agents. Which is a missed opportunity because I long to see estate agents being staked with their own 'For Sale' signs. Watch out for sultry sexbomb, Salma Hayek, doing interesting things with a very big snake before she sinks her fangs into her victims. She could bite me anyday! Click her picture for a treat! Quentin Tarantino fans, teen vampire wannabes and dirty old men will get a thrill out of this preposterous hokum.
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THE BEACH BOYS: wouldn't it be nice
Sunday 9th January 10.15pm BBC 1 Star rating 2
The Beachboys Former junkie Brian Wilson, straight man Mike 'the hat' Love, Al Jardine and Bruce Johnston along with family, friends and collaborators talk frankly about what has made the Beach Boys America's biggest band of all time. What about the Partridge Family or the Osmonds? Or The Four Seasons? Anyway, buying the new Brian Wilson album couldn’t seriously damage your head; I've just wasted a tenner on it. I have told Amazon dot com that I want my money back. Classic? My arse! Readers may like to know that far from being a 'beach boy', Brian Wilson has never surfed in his life and is pathologically afraid of water. I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me what the hell 'Sloop John B' was all about. Aceeed!
Words © 2005 -Alex DeVille. Design and graphics © 2005 utterpants.co.uk
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THIS WEEK

TV GUIDE RATINGS

Star rating 4 Unmissable

Star rating 3Worth watching

Star rating 2 Barely bloody watchable

Star rating 1A complete waste of your license fee

Previously on TV GUIDE

27th December 2004 -
2nd January 2005

Christmas on the Box: 20th December -
26th December 2004

13th December -
19th December 2004

6th December -
12th December 2004

29th November -
5th December 2004

22nd November -
28th November 2004

15th November -
21st November 2004

8th November -
14th November 2004

1st November -
7th November 2004

25th OCTOBER -
1st November 2004

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