PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES |
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated! |
Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it. |
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Alex on the Box: your Essential
Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex
DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats |
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| TV GUIDE:
Monday 3rd January - Sunday 9th January 2005 |
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EASTENDERS Monday 3rd January 8.00pm
Wasn’t Christmas fantastic? What a roller coaster of non-stop unadulterated
drama! I'm still having nightmares about that scumbucket Andy ripping
off Sam’s wedding ring on the doorstep. I will not permit that kind
of humiliation on primetime TV. He is such a bastard scumbucket. Anyway,
it's New Year in the fictional market and the hapless, go-lucky, leather-clad
Alfie, tries his best to keep those little wankers Danny and Jake away
from business tycoon wannabe, Spencer. Poor old Ian feels rejected (that
guy never has any luck; its about time the writers threw him a bone).
Adulteress Jane struggles to come to terms with David's death while
Patrick and Yolande prepare for their first day in the Minute Mart,
unaware that their bad-boy son, Paul, is now propping up a flyover on
the M1. Unmissable!
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SHOOTING
STARS Tuesday 4th January 7.00pm
"George Dawrs what are those scores?" Gay as a Boat, George is bald
and plays the drums, whilst revealing the scores on this celebrity fun-quiz
type show! Fantastic. Well dressed northern circuit comics Vic Reeves
and Bob Mortimer host the show with team captains Will Self (a very
clever bloke despite a long, gormless face that could curdle new milk
at 100 yards) and Ulrika 'everyone's had me' Jonsson (no, I wouldn’t
love, sorry — maybe ten years ago). Tonight the wackiness kicks off
with reedy-voiced titwank, Johnny Vegas and guests, Swedish sexbomb,
Victoria Silvstedt (yes, I would), Eddy Grant (awful 80’s pop star)
and glam garage triage Mis-teeq frontwoman, Sabrina Washington. Look out for Johnny Vegas drinking a pint of Guinness, priceless stuff. Our older male readers may like to know that Victoria (picture) is not just a six feet tall, platinum blonde bimbo with big tits. "Boys want to see a pretty girl," the pneumatic model chortled recently. No, they don't, Vic. They want to see you get your tits out on tonight's show. The buxom Ms Silvstedt has recently crossed the Pond in the hopes of becoming a star. I am convinced there is a secret factory somewhere where they breed these brainless, todger-teasing tarts. Wank! |
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WIFE SWAP SPECIALWednesday 5th January 9.00pm
It’s a very kinky reality programme in which wives
swap their husbands, children and homes for two weeks. Sounds great!
Sign me up today, I’ll try someone else’s tart for a couple of weeks!
Tonight obedient Bonnie trades places with so-called modern wife Derenda.
Obedient eh? I love that word. Sadly we don’t get to see any rumpy pumpy
between the consenting ‘swappers’, but you can imagine what goes on
when the cameras are switched off. Woof, woof! Clever Bonnie treats
her husband, Pete 'as a mix of the Prime Minister and the Divine' (she
sounds like a well-trained lady), while Derenda views men as being useful
for sex and money, and expects her partner Alani to do all the cooking
and cleaning (bitch!). Will the couples learn from each other’s differing
lifestyles? A good hiding with a birch paddle would soon sort Derenda
out, the saucy minx!
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WORLD DARTS Wednesday 5th January 11.20pm
It’s a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Colosseum when
the Christians were on the menu. What a lovely shot! Fat, northern sweaty
blokes in green, shiny shirts throw darts (or arrows) and swig bitter.
Look out for the army of fat, blonde women in the audience doting on
the players every move; it’s fucking incredible. Even the kids are drinking
beer and sporting Jim Bowen T-shirts. Tony Green provides the commentary,
with the message “Life is simple: Sex, Beer, Darts." Whoever said 'darts
isn't a sport, its just what fat blokes do down da boozer' was talking
complete bollocks.  The
number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234
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TARRANT ON TV Thursday 6th January 11.00pm
 Hold
on to your tits….this could be the funniest programme on TV EVER! Hilarious
frothy funster, Chris Tarrant, features outrageous moments from television
programmes around the world. Tonight we see a man smashing water melons
with his head (too funny, I can’t wait to see that), a woman with the
biggest breasts in the world (oh la la, see Carry On Screaming,
above), and a doctor who has twelve fingers. Which reminds me of the
cutting Mrs DeVille snipped out of the Batley Bugle last week:
'Seven
foot doctors sue hospital over staff cuts.' Chortle!
Set the VCR, take the phone of the hook and get your arse parked in
your favourite easy chair.
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EASTENDERS Friday 7th January 8.00pm
It's all 'appenin' dahn the Square this week! Dirty Den receives some
devastating news about Sharon. (what can it be?) and has an idea for
cute arse, Zoe’s phantom pregnancy to come true. “You an’ me can’t ’ang
abaht any longer, darlin,” leers the gangsta mutha, “If Dennis aint
up to it, I’ll ’ave to do the job.” Don't do it Zoe! Spineless Spencer
won't be cracking open the bubbly either as he's roped into Danny Moon's
half-witted plan. Having stashed his bag full of 'moody money' and nicked
'charlie' on top of a wardrobe, Danny now needs someone helpful, agile
and very gullible to get it back. Meanwhile, Sam Hunter (née Mitchell)
sobs into her latte: “I’ve lost everyfing. I’ve lost the Vic, the Arches,
Andy..” Stop whining you dozy cow and just call the Samaritans. Wank!
How the East End ever got a reputation for the quality of its gangsters
is a mystery that continues to elude me.
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A TOUCH OF FROSTFriday 7th January 8.30pm
Tres Bien Rodders! Bonjour! Del Boy is back playing a daft, doddering
northern copper with attitude! (in a similar style to his loveable Cockney
rogue and wheeler-dealer character in 'Only Fools and Horses').
Sadly there is no Rodney, Granddad or Boycie in tonight’s thrilling
episode. An unsolved case returns to haunt Del Boy — sorry, Inspector
Frost — when a man is found hanged in his apartment in Peckham. (I made
that up, sorry.) However, according to the Old Bill’s records, the victim
died over a year before. Blow up dolls, Lovely Jubbly, Cushty, Rodders,
you plonker. This time next year we'll be millionaires! Three wheeled
van, yabba yabba.
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NATIONAL LOTTERY Wright around the
World Saturday 8th January 7.30pm
Poor people think they can change their lives by spending a quid on
a bloody lotto ticket. Well, I'm sorry to disillusion you, but life
doesn’t work like that. It takes work, study, determination and good
old-fashioned elbow grease to get anywhere. Ian Wright (picture) knows
all about hard work, he kicked a ball around a field for six years for
Crystal Palace and Arsenal before landing this cushy show in which six
contestants battle it out to win a round-the-world ticket. Ian is the
televisual epitome of the blokish, 'sarf Lundunner', which may explain
why the BBC spent a whopping amount of wogga to lure him away from ITV.
Thomas Edison: "There is no substitute for hard work." Alex DeVille:
"There's a wanker born every minute." Arse! That
number to complain to the BBC again is 0207 566 1234
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CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER Saturday 8th January 9.00pm
You should really be down the pub with your mates or giving your partner
a right good seeing-to at this time on a Saturday evening. But if you’re
a sad, social outcast you can watch people just like you in the show
that plumbs the depths of human degradation. Rumour has it that certifiable
loony David Icke, shagaholic slapper, Abi Titmiss (picture) and Emma
'Baby Spice' Bunton will be among the house guests. But I can exclusively
reveal to Utterpants
readers that Great Danish bunny-boiler, Brigitte Nielson, will be wandering
around the house stark bollock naked, 24 hours a day. If that doesn't
put you off this pile of utter shite, nothing will. Fucking awful.
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FROM DUSK TILL DAWNSunday 9th January 10.00pm
Director, Robert Rodriguez, hit the big time in
1996 with this shoot 'em up road movie cum horror flick in which two
criminal brothers on the run, kidnap a family and hide out in a Mexican
nightclub, only to discover that the bar's clientele are a bunch of
bloodsucking demons. Sadly they turn out to be vampires and not estate
agents. Which is a missed opportunity because I long to see estate agents
being staked with their own 'For Sale' signs. Watch out for sultry sexbomb,
Salma Hayek, doing interesting things with a very big snake before she
sinks her fangs into her victims. She could bite me anyday! Click her
picture for a treat! Quentin Tarantino fans, teen vampire wannabes and
dirty old men will get a thrill out of this preposterous hokum.
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BEACH BOYS: wouldn't it be nice Sunday 9th January 10.15pm
Former junkie Brian Wilson, straight man Mike 'the hat' Love, Al Jardine
and Bruce Johnston along with family, friends and collaborators talk
frankly about what has made the Beach Boys America's biggest band of
all time. What about the Partridge Family or the Osmonds? Or The Four
Seasons? Anyway, buying the new Brian Wilson album couldn’t seriously
damage your head; I've just wasted a tenner on it. I have told Amazon
dot com that I want my money back. Classic? My arse! Readers may like
to know that far from being a 'beach boy', Brian Wilson has never surfed
in his life and is pathologically afraid of water. I'm still waiting
for someone to explain to me what the hell 'Sloop John B' was
all about. Aceeed! |
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Words © 2005 -Alex DeVille. Design and graphics © 2005 utterpants.co.uk |
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Cor Blimey Guv’nor! Oh Missus! What a lovely pair! Boing! The entire
deceased carry on team are back with a side splitting camped up horror
spoof from 1966. Something strange is happening in the woods — big-breasted
young women are being abducted by a huge, mysterious creature. Harry
H Corbett (Harold from Steptoe and Son) leads the bumbling
investigation armed with enough double entendres and priapic puns to
keep a Sun editor happy for a month. With characters like 'Sergeant
Bung' and 'Slobotham' you know that it’s all harmless fun, provided
you don’t mind racist, sexist and bigoted remarks from forty years ago.
You daft darkie! Oh look how fat she is! Hahaha (a lá Sid James). Wonderful!
