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PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: your Essential Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats

TV GUIDE: Monday 27th December - Sunday 2nd January 2005

EASTENDERS Monday 27th December 8.00pm

After discovering that hardnut Dennis has left a little deposit in her lovely oven, cute arse Zoe (picture) demands he choose between her and shaghungry slag, Sharon. I've got a better idea; why not snip the bastard's todger off? Meanwhile, brainless tart, Sam, tries to make a withdrawal from a cash machine and gets a shock when she discovers Andy’s been there before her and emptied their joint account. Crikey! Who would believe he'd do a thing like that? Alfie and Little Mo feel sick after their disgusting encounter under the mistletoe (I know just how they feel) and Jane Collins prepares herself for the worst. 'You ain't ma muvver, ya cow!'
After the dramatic departure of token black bad-boy, Paul, at Christmas, the actor who plays the lugubrious loser, Gary Beadle, has quit the show. 'I hated the storyline,' he stormed indignantly. 'It's so unimaginative — black people doing drugs.' Surely not? Remorseful (lapsed) Catholic drug dealer makes his peace with 'da Lord' by saying a tearful 'Hail Mary' to a flashing Jesus icon and climbs into a (black) cab to be topped by the (white) hit man he's shafted? The BBC have assured me it happens all the time. Wank! Now that Zoe's pregnant I think we ought to see a lot more of her lovely young body to disprove Mrs DeVille's contention that the careless minx is only suffering from a surfeit of Christmas stuffing. Priceless!

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER
Monday 27th December 8.30pm

The transfer of wicked video games to the big screen has a less than stellar track record, but this moronic movie is the exception: it's fucking awful! Hopes were high for this adaptation (why?) but the limpwristed direction and hammy acting do nothing to rescue a complete dud. Top-heavy cock-teaser, Angelina Jolie does her best as Lara — though the English accent (borrowed from Liz Hurley) falls as flat as the wooden dialogue. A few cheap as chips monkey statues coming to CGI life and Angie's jiggling jugs do not make up for a missing plot. Bring back Harrison Ford! Lara Croft fans are advised to stick to their X-boxes and save the Kleenex for another day. Bloody awful!

The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234

AUF WIEDERSEHEN, PET SPECIAL Tuesday 28th December 9.00pm

Bugger! It's the end of the road for TV's favourite gang of builders as the loveable lads take up their trowels for the last time in this hilarious two-parter (it concludes tomorrow at 9.00pm). Now we know what the BBC have been spending our license money on. The sets are bigger than Televison House and there are shades of James Bond as the location shifts from central Africa (where the storming of the British Embassy scarcely troubles the lads' poker game) — to Laos and Bangkok — and from there (via a trip on the Orient-Express), deep into the jungles of Thailand. The comedy is as rich and salty as ever, with the usual smattering of laugh-out-loud lines. Watch out for the entrance of Barry (Timothy Spall) in the opening scene with a typically Brummie take on the 'White Man's burden.' Super!

THE FRANK SKINNER SHOW
Tuesday 28th December 10.00pm

Who decides to make this utterly forgettable shite? Brummie titwank Frank Skinner (left) presents the show with a mind-numbingly bland mix of B-list celebrity interviews, feeble topical comedy and musical performances from unknown bands who make Teen Idol seem like a really good idea. What an arse! His guests this week are Patrick Stewart, Jo Brand and David Coulthard. If mouthy, fat minger, Brand, starts regaling us with the rib-tickling delights of 'blood week' at least Patrick can get Chief O'Brien to beam him out of there. Fellow Scot, Coulthard, will need more than Earl Grey, hot, to restore him after sitting through this load of old bollocks.

ARENA - REMEMBER THE SECRET POLICEMAN'S BALL? Wednesday 29th December 9.00pm

There's the usual amount of back-slapping in this chronicle of Amnesty International's benefit shows between 1976 and 1989, but the sprinkling of irresistible comic moments makes it an absolute treat. There are some priceless performances here, jostling with backstage footage and reminiscences featuring some of the biggest names in British comedy. Watch out for sultry 80's news anchor crumpet, Anna Ford (picture), beating up Terry Jones and Monty Python's grumbling Yorkshiremen. John Cleese manages to stand in for Dudley Moore remarkably well considering the two comedians are as different as chalk and Cleese — er, cheese.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED Thursday 30th December 12.00pm

The camp staff of Grace Brothers hammed it up for nearly ten years in this dated 70's sitcom, but fell foul of the new broom of ‘political correctness’ that swept Benny Hill off our screens in 1979. Never in its long history, were the shelves of the department store as bare as they are in this feeble featurette. Abandoning Menswear for the Costa Plonka, the staff are soon exchanging the usual smutty innuendos and double entendres as sun, sand and booze take their toll on Mrs Slocombe’s pussy. Why on earth did the makers of this appalling spin-off break with the winning formula? It was the petty shop-floor rivalries, Gay as a boat banter and tacky sales gimmicks dreamed up by Captain Peacock that provided most of the laughs in the original series. ‘Are you free?’ Not if you have any sense you won’t be.

That number to complain to the BBC again is 0207 566 1234

EASTENDERS Friday 31st December 8.00pm

Eastenders:Dirty Den and Sharon Hurray! It's New Year's Eve in Walford and there's going to be right bitchfest of a party dahn the Vic! I can't help feeling sorry for poor titwank, Alfie Moon. What with his debts, concerns over his doddery old nan, shitfaced brother, Spencer and 'er indoors, it's a wonder the poor bastard hasn't topped himself months ago. Tonight the whining wanker has a go at his well-dodgy cousins for flirting with 'taken women'. Idiot! The only 'taken' women in Walford are the ones Den hasn't shagged yet. Meanwhile, Minty tells Sam she has a choice; wallow in yer own misery, girl or decide to show the Square that the Mitchells may be 'dahn', but they aint 'aht'. I can give the dozy slapper a third choice — soak in a nice hot 'barf' love and slit your wrists.

JOOLS 12th ANNUAL HOOTENANNYFriday 31st December 11.00pm

Have we really had to sit through twelve of these fucking awful shows? Why 'Hootenanny'? Don't people get rat-arsed on New Year's Eve outside Scotland? Tonight, mincing tosser Jools sees out the old year with the help of another sick bag full of third rate 'musical stars' from 2004, including Franz Ferdinand (who?) and Jamie Cullum. The grinning gobshite kicks off this exciting extravaganza by informing us that 'norf Lunnon' sensation Amy Winehouse and blonde bopper, Natasha Bedingfield (picture), have broken through in a big way this year.
Judging by the amount of cleavage Ms Bedingfield (cute name) was displaying on the MTV awards, I’m not a bit surprised. I am reliably informed that this squeaky-clean, 'Christian' pop tart is massive in Italy. Well she would be — they're all Catholics. Let me give you a tip, Natasha. If you want to be 'massive' in the States, let your left tit slip out accidentally on tonight's show. Eric Clapton tops the bill, so we can expect a bluesy classic or two to compensate for Jool's droning on about 'classic cuts' and 'classy little jazz numbers'. Idiot! Give this a miss and watch 'The Wicker Man' (see below).

THE WICKER MAN Friday 31st December 11.00 pm

Edward Woodward stars as a devoutly Christian policeman in this cult horror masterpiece, which was mangled by moronic studio suits on its cinema release in 1973. I'm convinced they were Seventh Day Rethuglican Aventists from Ohio. Sergeant Howie (Woodward) gets more than he bargained for when he investigates the disappearance of a young girl on the pagan shores of Summerisle —an isolated Scottish island where lovely young virgins dance naked and getting your leg over is a public duty. I tried to book a holiday there after seeing this film but the silly girl at Thomas Cook said Summerisle was not on their itinerary. Idiot!

The film is showing tonight in something like its original glory with 15 minutes of additional footage restored by director Robin Hardy in 2002. With its literate script by Sleuth playwright Anthony Shaffer and a memorable Scottish folk score, Hardy's fascinating mixture of horror, eroticism and religion is thoughtful, challenging and highly provocative entertainment. Sadly Shaffer died in 2001 so never saw the restored cut. Watch out for Britt Ekland's jiggling bum as she makes love to a wobbly wall while Edward Woodward (Sergeant Howie) writhes in sexual frustration in the next room. If only the idiot had shagged her! (You'll know why he should have given her one when you've seen the film!) Apparently, Britt's dancing cheeks belong to a stand-in as the Swedish sex-kitten's derriere was considered to be a little on the large size by the director. Whoever's bum it is, I wouldn't kick it out of bed. Christopher Lee, who plays the lord of the island, thinks it's one of the finest films he's ever made. He's right.
You'll definitely need the Kleenex for this one lads..

FALLEN ANGEL: THE REAL CHARLOTTE CHURCH
Sunday 2nd January 8.00pm

My source in Greys Inn Road tells me that this candid profile of the popular Welsh diva, is a 'no holds barred' docudrama'. Knowing Channel 4 we can look forward to footage of the fourteen-hour booze bender with which the cheeky chit celebrated her 18th birthday — or possibly just the shots of her falling arse over tit onto the pavement. I wonder if they'll show the curvaceous cute arse shouting 'Fucking get off him, you cunt!' while belabouring a copper with her white stiletto for arresting her boyfriend's brother in yet another drink-fuelled orgy of teenage high spirits? Probably not.. Our male US readers will be gutted to hear that the increasingly cuddly teen soprano, (36-30-36) turned down a million pound offer earlier this year to get her tits out for a top shelf wankrag after tough-talking mum, Maria, got wind of the plan. 'I would bloody kill her if she did,' Maria told Utterpants. We imagine ten million American adolescents feel the same about you, Maria. Sheer Bliss!