TV Guide
PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box at Christmas
Our bumper Guide to what's on Telly in the UK over Christmas. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats
TV GUIDE: Monday 20th December - Sunday 26th December
uttercrap READY STEADY COOK Monday 20th December 4.30pm
BBC 2 Star rating 1
Ainsley Harriot As soon as I hear the theme tune start, it’s a mad bastard dash to find the remote control, I can’t stand this show. I have told Mrs DeVille that I would seek a divorce should she ever attempt to cook up one of the ‘amazing’ recipes from this puking programme. And what is this obsession with serving 'slivers of pan-fried Calamari on a bed of Rocket'? When I was a lad it was a bloody weed the aged parent couldn't rip out of the ground fast enough, now it's served with everything from chops to chips.

I can’t imagine having to ever cook a gourmet meal in twenty minutes — can you? So what’s the bloody point? But timing is the backbone of this pointless budget-daytime filler, hosted by the over-friendly, but very simple Ainsley Harlott. He is joined by a selection of odd looking chefs, shamelessly trying to promote their poncy, fleabag restaurants. Most of the Green peppers are gay as a boat.

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THE WEAKEST LINK Monday 20th December 5.15pm BBC 2
BBC 2 Star rating 2
Anne Robinson Hairy-faced minging hardwoman, Anne Robinson, hosts another wank edition of the quick-fire general knowledge quiz wearing a black leather dress (Be afraid). A cross section of Britain’s outcasts must decide at the end of each round, which of their team should be eliminated (Be very afraid). Usually features a dozy old codger with a dicky ticker, a cheesy student, a fat middle aged woman, a camp gay fella called Simon and an old Doris with a gammy leg. Surely it's time for the BBC to put the lid on this? I bet the wrinkly old rotweiler would never ask this question: "Which gameshow host was a chronic alcoholic, bad mother and druggie, before hitting the big time on US TV"? You are the weakest link; goodbye.
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uttercrap WATCHDOG
Tuesday 21st December 7.00pm BBC 1 Star rating 1
Julia Bradbury width= It’s the long running consumer bollocks-type magazine show hosted by tiny todger Scotsman, Nicky Campbell and curvaceous 'Castaway' crumpet, Julia Bradbury (picture: yummy!). Why doesn't the BBC remind the dozy idiots who get lumbered with fitted kitchens that don't fit, or extended warranties that won't stretch further than the salesman's empty promises, that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is? 'Me and my mate Shaun just happened to be the area and could pave your drive in twenty minutes for ten quid, guv.' Yabba, yabba, wank! Nicky seems to take this show very seriously; I can’t understand how the titwank can get so upset about the price of an iron.
Sadly Nicky is still trapped in the body of a game show host ('Wheel of Fortune') and tries too hard to give the impression that he's a serious journalist. Stick to quizzes, music programmes and Top of the Pops, Nick. Complete bollocks.
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GRUMPY OLD WOMEN AT CHRISTMAS
Tuesday 21st December 9.00pm
BBC 2 Star rating 3
Janet-Street-Porter Those of you who were stupid enough to ignore my dire warnings about 'I'm a Celebrity...get me out of here', will be in for a right treat as arrogant Cockney gobshite, Janet Street-Porter (picture), Linda 'leave it aht', Robson, and scrummy comedienne, Arabella Weir, get together to mouth off about the woes of the festive season. They are joined by the talented Sheila Hancock (Mmm!), opinionated Aussie wonderwoman, Germaine Greer and Boris Karloff lookalike, Anne Widdicombe. My sources tell me that cheeky Harper-Collins published author and daytime TV celeb, Jenni Trent Hughes, will be on the show to keep the grumpy old wrinklies in line. Haven't these women heard of HRT? Just cook the bloody turkey, ladies, pour me a beer and sit on my lap. Except for Anne Widdicombe. Even a DeVille has his standards.
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utterchoice Film WITNESS Tuesday 21st December 11.15pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Witness Statuesque beauty, Kelly McGillis, stars with thinking woman's hunk, Harrison Ford, in this romantic thriller in which a young Amish boy is the sole witness to a murder. Fitted-up cop, John Book (Harrison Ford), goes into hiding in Amish country to protect the loveable moppet until the trial. The scene where Book rejects the advances of Amish amoureuse, Rachel Lapp (Kelly McGillis), will have our female readers reaching for the Kleenex . Idiot! If Kelly flashed her tits at me I'd fill her Christmas stocking in a jiffy. Personally I love the building scene when the entire community of straw-hatted luddites club together to raise a barn the size London in twenty-four hours. So why does it take twelve hairy-arsed tossers six bloody months to put up my garden shed? Discuss among yourselves. Unmissable.
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utterchoice OPEN ALL HOURS Wednesday 22nd December 5.30 pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Open All Hours Granville! A temperamental till and s-stammering Ronnie Barker selling dodgy goods to quaint Northern folk in flat caps are the hilarious comical themes running through this classic sitcom from the 1970’s. The BBC are repeating three episodes over the Festive Season; hooray! Look out for Linda Baron playing top-heavy nurse Gladys Emmanuel. Even at the ripe old age of fifty (her that is, not me!) I found her adorable . Many's the night I tossed and turned thinking about her amble bosom and starched camiknickers. Tonight, Arkwright's downtrodden nephew and assistant, Granville, advertises for female company and gets more than he bargained for. Listen out for Ronnie Barker’s fake stutter, it's side-splitting stuff.
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uttercrap WHAT NOT TO WEAR DRESSES UP
Wednesday 22nd December 9.00 pm
BBC 1 Star rating 1
Trinny and Susannah Sit down for a seasonal dose of total bollocks as trumped-up hooray frumps, Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine make utter arses of themselves on national television (again). What does it feel like to be ambushed by an adenoidal stick insect and her fat-arsed, mumsy sidekick? According to car-mad motormouth, Jeremy Clarkson, he'd rather eat his own hair than shop with the terrible twins. Good idea, Jeremy, but why stop at the hair? Eat your head and do us all a favour. This week, the catty Sloane Rangers humiliate 57 bored execs at a corporate Christmas bash.

Look out for loopy Liz, who’s desperately attached to her shell suit and needs to update her wardrobe; Vince, the gay as a boat vicar, who's dying for a makeover (twat!) and 6'1" Jane who has the figure of a model but an arse the size of a small bungalow in Romford. Trinny and Susannah have recently been lampooned as the insensitive toffs 'Fatty and Skinny' in a Viz comic strip. Bloody Awful!

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THE WORLD'S GREATEST CONSPIRACY THEORIES
Thursday 23rd December 7.30pm
Channel 5 Star rating 3
Princess Diana Good old Channel 5 have cooked up a show that will make you really think this Christmas. I know I will be thinking. According to this programme half of us believe Princess Diana was murdered by a French onion-seller on a moped, a third believe that the Kennedys killed Marilyn Monroe and more than three million Americans believe they have been abducted by green aliens. I would say fifty million Americans have been abducted by sheer stupidity. Otherwise sensible people believe the moon landings were faked, which is actually true according to Tessa Jowell. She probably knows where Lord Lucan is hiding but has been paid to keep schtum by Elvis Presley. Thrilling Stuff.
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utterchoice EASTENDERS Thursday 23rd December 7.30pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
SharonKnock me dahn the apples and pairs, mate, it's a slap-happy bitchfest of a Christmas in Walford! Implausible gangsta mutha, Sam Hunter (née Mitchell), scurries around trying to raise dosh for her brother Phil and ends up making Dirty Den an offer he can't refuse. (Who hasn't?). Meanwhile, titwank Alfie hits a new low, Paul reflects on his night in the nick and the Moons face eviction.

Elsewhere, hardnut simpleton, Dennis, ignores the threat of a good hiding hanging over him and gives shaghappy Sharon (picture) the seeing-to the blond bumbait has been gagging for. Will his knob get tangled in her hair? Cute arse Zoe drops a bombshell that soon wipes the post-coital smiles off their smug mugs. Has Dennis left a bun in her oven? Has minging motormouth, Stacey, nicked her 'wabbit' and planted it in Sharon's handbag? Is this the end for Walford's star-crossed lovers? Who cares? Priceless!

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uttercrap EASTENDERS CHRISTMAS PARTY
Thursday 23rd December 8.00pm
BBC 1 Star rating 1
Michelle Ryan The BBC has sent me the following description of this televisual feast, 'A surprise hit last year, EastEnders Christmas Party, is a combination of singing soap stars, some of whom will surprise you with their talent.' Arse! Now the facts: unless you're a stalker, a D-list celebrity who wasn't invited to take part, or just barking mad, you will hate this show. Gobshite host, Shane Richie, kicks off the festivities with a half-arsed rendition of 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.'

There's comedy, too, with Adam Woodyatt's take on Dickens (oyeez!) and the surprising idea that Walford has a School of Body Language. Well cute arse Zoe (picture) does, but I don't think titwank Woodyatt is bright enough to understand it. Idiot! Just reading about this show makes me angry.
ComplainMy advice is simply to email: eastenders@bbc.co.uk with the following message: 'Please Stop'.

Christmas Eve
TOTP2 AT CHRISTMAS Friday 24th December 7.00pm
BBC 2 Star rating 2
Steve Wright Get out your loon pants and platforms for a merry rollercoaster of a ride through classic chart toppers from forty years of Christmas shows. Hooray! Wise-cracking cockney chappy, Steve Wright, hosts the show with the most with party poopers from Wham!, Madonna, Beyonce, John Travolta, cute arse Kylie and 70's Aussie sexkitten, Olivia Neutron Bomb. Relax with Frankie Goes to Hollywood! Drool over badass Blondie belting out 'Atomic' (again) and groove to Band Aid! The highlight of the evening is an appearance by The Wombles and a performance from Del Shannon not seen for forty years. Why show it then? If he plays Slade's 'Merry Xmas Everybody', Steve Wright will be receiving a dead fish from me in the post. Tosser!
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uttercrap CELEBRITY WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
Friday 24th December 9.00pm ITV 1 Star rating 1
Chris Tarrant Wacky 70’s TV funster, Chris Tarrant, presents a three-part ‘special edition’ of the dire game show where celebrity contestants play to win money for their favourite charities! I love charities, don’t you? Those taking part tonight include smooth talking IRA sympathiser Eamonn Holmes, miserable Scottish wanker Sir Alex Ferguson and small cock Sir Paul McCartney. Ho Ho Ho! Phone a friend! Or just get some gullible arse to cough loudly in the audience whenever you're stuck for an answer. The Christmas Day episode of this limpwristed 'televisual feast' promises us professional wankwit, Richard Madeley and fluffy missus, Judy Finnigan. Say it isn't true. Utter pants!
Christmas Day
utterchoice STEPTOE AND SON Saturday 25th December 00.55am
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Carolyn Seymour Dum-Dum-Dum-Da-Dum…Harold! Oh me goolies! This is well worth staying up late for on Christmas Eve! It’s vintage comedy from 1972. Harold and Albert plan Christmas, but both have very different ideas about what to do over the festive period. Writers Ray Galton and Alan Simpson deliver in spades and Wilfrid Brambell's (Albert) endearingly oafish attempts to better himself are priceless. Our male readers will be delighted to know that gorgeous 70's Horror flick Floosie, Carolyn Seymour (picture) is in this episode cavorting across the screen as Harold's (Harry H Corbett) new stripper-bride. The Christmas cracker told Utterpants that she considers learning to strip for this show her most challenging acting experience. You only had to ask, love! I can’t fault this comedy. In fact it pains me to write a positive TV review. Unmissable.
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Film HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE
Saturday 25th December 6.05pm BBC 1 Star rating 3
Harry Potter Overpaid kid actors dress up and dabble in wacky black magic. Twelve-year-old Daniel Radcliffe plays Harry — a boy wizard who's whisked off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and is charged with finding the gem of the film's title. A scene-stealing Robbie Coltrane is among a host of familiar adult faces who enliven an otherwise forgettable tale. Sadly, Harry's orphan status failed to move me — and, at two-and-a-half hours, the movie will have rugrats climbing the walls. J K Rowling must have been very stoned when she wrote this nonsense. I'm told it’s popular with geeks, accountants and very small people. If you decide to watch this film, get a few beers in and skin up a fat one...nice!
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Utterchoice EASTENDERS
Thursday 25th December 8.25pm BBC 1 Star rating 4
cute arse Zoe Hooray! It's a double helping of seasonal scandal dahn the Square! The last place you want to be on Christmas Day is propping up the bar in the Queen Vic as the Watts' nip the festive fun in the bud with a right old barny. The passions of hardnut Dennis, shaghungry Sharon and cute arse Zoe finally erupt over the brussels sprouts. Oh Lord! Does this mean Utterpants' Playmate of the Year, Zoe, will wrestle Sharon to the ground in an all-out slag fight? Rip her knickers off, girl! Meanwhile, woeful titwank, Alfie Moon, trudges down the road with his life's possessions in a couple of Tesco's bags. Surely he's not leaving Walford on Christmas Day?

My source at the National Grid tells me that EastEnders cliffhangers can cause 560 megawatt power surges — the equivalent of 150,000 kettles being switched on! No wonder my bloody PC always crashes on 25th December. Arse!

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THE VICAR OF DIBLEYSaturday 25th December 9.25pm
BBC 1 Star rating 3
The Vicar of DibleyDawn French is very big, pulls incredibly daft faces and rolls about on the floor a lot. I love it! The good-old BBC have managed to completely fund Dawn's (and husband Lenny's) careers for the past twenty years. In return for hefty wodges of BBC wogga, Dawn and Lenny have produced a wealth of pithy crap for our viewing pleasure. In this Christmas edition of the ecclesiastical sitcom, rubinesque Dawn plays the cheeky vicar with the daft grin as the villagers celebrate the 10th anniversary of her arrival in style. Of course, things go badly wrong involving dangerous encounters with Rachel Hunter, a lot of booze, Alice's eccentric interior decorating skills and a life-size chocolate baby Jesus.
The best bit of this show is always the joke at the end which dimwit Alice Tinker (Emma Chambers) never gets. Good, clean fun for all the family.
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PARKINSON Saturday 25th December 10:30pm
ITV 1 Star rating 2
Michael Parkinson In a special festive edition of his popular chat show, sycophantic reet good bloke, Michael Parkinson, talks to Scottish pensioner Rod Stewart about why he shags young blonde ladies. Pint-sized actress Barbara Windsor chats about having an affair with Sid James. Plus fatboy, Joe Pasquale, fresh from his win on' 'I'm a Celebrity...get me out of here', talks absolute bollocks in a high pitched voice. Arse! The icing on the cake is that fucking loathsome Liverpudlian smegface, Lily Savage, doing a turn as the Wicked Queen from her crap Christmas panto, Snow White. Hopefully someone will give him a pair of red hot metal slippers and make poncy bastard dance until he drops dead. Wankrag!
Boxing Day

AGATHA CHRISTIE'S MARPLE Sunday 26th December 9.00pm
ITV 1 Star rating 3
Joan Hickson The definitive Miss Marple, Joan Hickson (picture), sadly died a few years ago, so she's not in it. Anyway, make a large cuppa, put your feet up and try and solve this amazing crime! (I will help you; read on). When a train swerves towards the 4.50 from Paddington (do you remember when we had trains?), Elspeth McGillicuddy sees a woman in the parallel carriage being strangled, the murderer's shape silhouetted against the window. You may like to know it’s the doctor, he kills his French wife and stuffs her body in a barn. Sorry.

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SHERLOCK HOLMES Sunday 26th December 9.25pm
BBC 1 Star rating 3
Tamara Beckwith Conan Doyle's Great Detective features quite heavily on this website so I have been told to review this new BBC production or lose any chance of fathering a young DeVille on cute arse Zoe. (You'll have to sew them back on again first, Miranda.) In this new story — 'The Case of the Silk Stocking' — Holmes and Watson are reunited in a desperate bid to find a vicious serial killer who snatches the daughters of the aristocracy from their parents' homes. Idiots! The BBC should give this man a job topping complete-waste-of space posh slappers like Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and vacuous social parasite, Tamara Beckwith (picture). Can Holmes unlock the mystery before the killer strikes again? Did they have silk stockings in 1896? Frankly, I don't care. The Boss well give this 'thrilling mystery' three stars though, you mark my words. So much for writing my own column. Bloody woman!
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Utterchoice Film BLAZING SADDLES Sunday 26th December 11.00pm
BBC 2 Star rating 4
Blazing Saddles It’s the film with the long farting scene. I'm told it was cut out of the movie in America, because it was deemed ‘offensive’ by their constipated, bible bashing, film council. Didn't Moses fart? I would if I had to subsist on onions and garlic for thirty days. Madeline Kahn is a hoot hamming it up as Marlene Dietrich saloon slut lookalike, Lili Von Shtupp, and the scene where Hedley Lamarr (Harvey Korman), loses his toy frog in the bath is sure to raise a titter among the kids. Watch out for black sheriff Cleavon Little riding into town. After the townspeople turn hostile, he pulls a gun and threatens to shoot himself unless they let him go. Whatever happened to him? A Google search would probably answer that...hold on...he died in 1992. Enough said I think.
Words © 2004 -Alex DeVille. Design and graphics © 2004 utterpants.co.uk
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THIS WEEK

TV GUIDE RATINGS

Star rating 4 Unmissable

Star rating 3Worth watching

Star rating 2 Barely bloody watchable

Star rating 1A complete waste of your license fee

Previously on TV GUIDE

13th December -
19th December 2004

6th December -
12th December 2004

29th November -
5th December 2004

22nd November -
28th November 2004

15th November -
21st November 2004

8th November -
14th November 2004

1st November -
7th November 2004

25th OCTOBER -
1st November 2004

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