PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES |
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated! |
Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it. |
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Our bumper Guide to what's on
Telly in the UK over Christmas. Alex
DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats |
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| TV GUIDE:
Monday 20th December - Sunday 26th December |
READY STEADY COOK Monday 20th December
4.30pm
As soon as I hear the theme tune start, it’s a mad bastard dash to find
the remote control, I can’t stand this show. I have told Mrs DeVille
that I would seek a divorce should she ever attempt to cook up one of
the ‘amazing’ recipes from this puking programme. And what is this obsession
with serving 'slivers of pan-fried Calamari on a bed of Rocket'? When
I was a lad it was a bloody weed the aged parent couldn't rip out of
the ground fast enough, now it's served with everything from chops to
chips.
I can’t imagine having to ever cook a gourmet meal in twenty minutes — can you? So what’s the bloody point? But timing is the backbone of this pointless budget-daytime filler, hosted by the over-friendly, but very simple Ainsley Harlott. He is joined by a selection of odd looking chefs, shamelessly trying to promote their poncy, fleabag restaurants. Most of the Green peppers are gay as a boat. |
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THE WEAKEST LINK Monday 20th December 5.15pm BBC 2
Hairy-faced minging hardwoman, Anne Robinson, hosts another wank edition
of the quick-fire general knowledge quiz wearing a black leather dress
(Be afraid). A cross section of Britain’s outcasts must decide at the
end of each round, which of their team should be eliminated (Be very
afraid). Usually features a dozy old codger with a dicky ticker, a cheesy
student, a fat middle aged woman, a camp gay fella called Simon and
an old Doris with a gammy leg. Surely it's time for the BBC to put the
lid on this? I bet the wrinkly old rotweiler would never ask this question:
"Which gameshow host was a chronic alcoholic, bad mother and druggie,
before hitting the big time on US TV"? You are the weakest
link; goodbye.
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WATCHDOG Tuesday 21st December 7.00pm 
It’s the long running consumer bollocks-type magazine show hosted by
tiny todger Scotsman, Nicky Campbell and curvaceous 'Castaway' crumpet,
Julia Bradbury (picture: yummy!). Why doesn't the BBC remind the dozy
idiots who get lumbered with fitted kitchens that don't fit, or extended
warranties that won't stretch further than the salesman's empty promises,
that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is? 'Me and my mate
Shaun just happened to be the area and could pave your drive in twenty
minutes for ten quid, guv.' Yabba, yabba, wank! Nicky seems to take
this show very seriously; I can’t understand how the titwank can get
so upset about the price of an iron. Sadly Nicky is still trapped in the body of a game show host ('Wheel of Fortune') and tries too hard to give the impression that he's a serious journalist. Stick to quizzes, music programmes and Top of the Pops, Nick. Complete bollocks. |
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| GRUMPY OLD WOMEN AT CHRISTMAS Tuesday 21st December 9.00pm
Those of you who were stupid enough to ignore my dire warnings about
'I'm a Celebrity...get me out of here', will be in for a right
treat as arrogant Cockney gobshite, Janet Street-Porter (picture), Linda
'leave it aht', Robson, and scrummy comedienne, Arabella Weir, get together
to mouth off about the woes of the festive season. They are joined by
the talented Sheila Hancock (Mmm!), opinionated Aussie wonderwoman,
Germaine Greer and Boris Karloff lookalike, Anne Widdicombe. My sources
tell me that cheeky Harper-Collins published author and daytime TV celeb,
Jenni
Trent Hughes, will be on the show to keep the grumpy old wrinklies
in line. Haven't these women heard of HRT? Just cook the bloody turkey,
ladies, pour me a beer and sit on my lap. Except for Anne Widdicombe.
Even a DeVille has his standards.
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WITNESS Tuesday 21st December 11.15pm
Statuesque beauty, Kelly McGillis, stars with thinking woman's hunk,
Harrison Ford, in this romantic thriller in which a young Amish boy
is the sole witness to a murder. Fitted-up cop, John Book (Harrison
Ford), goes into hiding in Amish country to protect the loveable moppet
until the trial. The scene where Book rejects the advances of Amish
amoureuse, Rachel Lapp (Kelly McGillis), will have our female readers
reaching for the Kleenex . Idiot! If Kelly flashed her tits at me I'd
fill her Christmas stocking in a jiffy. Personally I love the building
scene when the entire community of straw-hatted luddites club together
to raise a barn the size London in twenty-four hours. So why does it
take twelve hairy-arsed tossers six bloody months to put up my garden
shed? Discuss among yourselves. Unmissable.
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OPEN ALL HOURS Wednesday 22nd December
5.30 pm
Granville! A temperamental till and s-stammering Ronnie Barker selling
dodgy goods to quaint Northern folk in flat caps are the hilarious comical
themes running through this classic sitcom from the 1970’s. The BBC
are repeating three episodes over the Festive Season; hooray! Look out
for Linda Baron playing top-heavy nurse Gladys Emmanuel. Even at the
ripe old age of fifty (her that is, not me!) I found her adorable .
Many's the night I tossed and turned thinking about her amble bosom
and starched camiknickers. Tonight, Arkwright's downtrodden nephew and
assistant, Granville, advertises for female company and gets more than
he bargained for. Listen out for Ronnie Barker’s fake stutter, it's
side-splitting stuff.
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WHAT NOT TO WEAR DRESSES UP Wednesday 22nd December 9.00 pm
Sit down for a seasonal dose of total bollocks as trumped-up hooray
frumps, Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine make utter arses of
themselves on national television (again). What does it feel like to
be ambushed by an adenoidal stick insect and her fat-arsed, mumsy sidekick?
According to car-mad motormouth, Jeremy Clarkson, he'd rather eat his
own hair than shop with the terrible twins. Good idea, Jeremy, but why
stop at the hair? Eat your head and do us all a favour. This week, the
catty Sloane Rangers humiliate 57 bored execs at a corporate Christmas
bash.
Look out for loopy Liz, who’s desperately attached to her shell suit and needs to update her wardrobe; Vince, the gay as a boat vicar, who's dying for a makeover (twat!) and 6'1" Jane who has the figure of a model but an arse the size of a small bungalow in Romford. Trinny and Susannah have recently been lampooned as the insensitive toffs 'Fatty and Skinny' in a Viz comic strip. Bloody Awful! |
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| THE WORLD'S GREATEST
CONSPIRACY THEORIES Thursday 23rd December 7.30pm 
Good old Channel 5 have cooked up a show that will make you really think
this Christmas. I know I will be thinking. According to this programme
half of us believe Princess Diana was murdered by a French onion-seller
on a moped, a third believe that the Kennedys killed Marilyn Monroe
and more than three million Americans believe they have been abducted
by green aliens. I would say fifty million Americans have been abducted
by sheer stupidity. Otherwise sensible people believe the moon landings
were faked, which is actually true according to Tessa Jowell. She probably
knows where Lord Lucan is hiding but has been paid to keep schtum by
Elvis Presley. Thrilling Stuff.
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EASTENDERS Thursday
23rd December 7.30pm
 Knock
me dahn the apples and pairs, mate, it's a slap-happy bitchfest of a
Christmas in Walford! Implausible gangsta mutha, Sam Hunter (née Mitchell),
scurries around trying to raise dosh for her brother Phil and ends up
making Dirty Den an offer he can't refuse. (Who hasn't?). Meanwhile,
titwank Alfie hits a new low, Paul reflects on his night in the nick
and the Moons face eviction.
Elsewhere, hardnut simpleton, Dennis, ignores the threat of a good hiding hanging over him and gives shaghappy Sharon (picture) the seeing-to the blond bumbait has been gagging for. Will his knob get tangled in her hair? Cute arse Zoe drops a bombshell that soon wipes the post-coital smiles off their smug mugs. Has Dennis left a bun in her oven? Has minging motormouth, Stacey, nicked her 'wabbit' and planted it in Sharon's handbag? Is this the end for Walford's star-crossed lovers? Who cares? Priceless! |
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EASTENDERS CHRISTMAS PARTY Thursday 23rd December 8.00pm
The BBC has sent me the following description of this televisual feast,
'A surprise hit last year, EastEnders Christmas Party, is a combination
of singing soap stars, some of whom will surprise you with their talent.'
Arse! Now the facts: unless you're a stalker, a D-list celebrity who
wasn't invited to take part, or just barking mad, you will hate this
show. Gobshite host, Shane Richie, kicks off the festivities with a
half-arsed rendition of 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.'
There's comedy, too, with Adam Woodyatt's take on Dickens (oyeez!)
and the surprising idea that Walford has a School of Body Language.
Well cute arse Zoe (picture) does, but I don't think titwank Woodyatt
is bright enough to understand it. Idiot! Just reading about this show
makes me angry. |
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TOTP2 AT CHRISTMAS
Friday 24th December 7.00pm
Get out your loon pants and platforms for a merry rollercoaster of a
ride through classic chart toppers from forty years of Christmas shows.
Hooray! Wise-cracking cockney chappy, Steve Wright, hosts the show with
the most with party poopers from Wham!, Madonna, Beyonce, John Travolta,
cute arse Kylie and 70's Aussie sexkitten, Olivia Neutron Bomb. Relax
with Frankie Goes to Hollywood! Drool over badass Blondie belting out
'Atomic' (again) and groove to Band Aid! The highlight of the evening
is an appearance by The Wombles and a performance from Del Shannon not
seen for forty years. Why show it then? If he plays Slade's 'Merry
Xmas Everybody', Steve Wright will be receiving a dead fish from
me in the post. Tosser!
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CELEBRITY WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE Friday 24th December 9.00pm 
Wacky 70’s TV funster, Chris Tarrant, presents a three-part ‘special
edition’ of the dire game show where celebrity contestants play to win
money for their favourite charities! I love charities, don’t you? Those
taking part tonight include smooth talking IRA sympathiser Eamonn Holmes,
miserable Scottish wanker Sir Alex Ferguson and small cock Sir Paul
McCartney. Ho Ho Ho! Phone a friend! Or just get some gullible arse
to cough loudly in the audience whenever you're stuck for an answer.
The Christmas Day episode of this limpwristed 'televisual feast' promises
us professional wankwit, Richard Madeley and fluffy missus, Judy Finnigan.
Say it isn't true. Utter pants! |
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STEPTOE AND SON Saturday 25th December
00.55am
Dum-Dum-Dum-Da-Dum…Harold! Oh me goolies! This is well worth staying
up late for on Christmas Eve! It’s vintage comedy from 1972. Harold
and Albert plan Christmas, but both have very different ideas about
what to do over the festive period. Writers Ray Galton and Alan Simpson
deliver in spades and Wilfrid Brambell's (Albert) endearingly oafish
attempts to better himself are priceless. Our male readers will be delighted
to know that gorgeous 70's Horror flick Floosie, Carolyn Seymour (picture)
is in this episode cavorting across the screen as Harold's (Harry H
Corbett) new stripper-bride. The Christmas cracker told Utterpants
that she considers learning to strip for this show her most
challenging acting experience. You only had to ask, love! I can’t fault
this comedy. In fact it pains me to write a positive TV review. Unmissable.
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HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE Saturday 25th December 6.05pm
Overpaid kid actors dress up and dabble in wacky black magic. Twelve-year-old
Daniel Radcliffe plays Harry — a boy wizard who's whisked off to Hogwarts
School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and is charged with finding the gem
of the film's title. A scene-stealing Robbie Coltrane is among a host
of familiar adult faces who enliven an otherwise forgettable tale. Sadly,
Harry's orphan status failed to move me — and, at two-and-a-half hours,
the movie will have rugrats climbing the walls. J K Rowling must have
been very stoned when she wrote this nonsense. I'm told it’s popular
with geeks, accountants and very small people. If you decide to watch
this film, get a few beers in and skin up a fat one...nice!
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EASTENDERS Thursday 25th December 8.25pm
Hooray! It's a double helping of seasonal scandal dahn the Square! The
last place you want to be on Christmas Day is propping up the bar in
the Queen Vic as the Watts' nip the festive fun in the bud with a right
old barny. The passions of hardnut Dennis, shaghungry Sharon and cute
arse Zoe finally erupt over the brussels sprouts. Oh Lord! Does this
mean Utterpants'
Playmate of the Year, Zoe, will wrestle Sharon to the ground in
an all-out slag fight? Rip her knickers off, girl! Meanwhile, woeful
titwank, Alfie Moon, trudges down the road with his life's possessions
in a couple of Tesco's bags. Surely he's not leaving Walford on Christmas
Day?
My source at the National Grid tells me that EastEnders cliffhangers can cause 560 megawatt power surges — the equivalent of 150,000 kettles being switched on! No wonder my bloody PC always crashes on 25th December. Arse! |
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THE VICAR OF DIBLEYSaturday 25th December 9.25pm
 Dawn
French is very big, pulls incredibly daft faces and rolls about on the
floor a lot. I love it! The good-old BBC have managed to completely
fund Dawn's (and husband Lenny's) careers for the past twenty years.
In return for hefty wodges of BBC wogga, Dawn and Lenny have produced
a wealth of pithy crap for our viewing pleasure. In this Christmas edition
of the ecclesiastical sitcom, rubinesque Dawn plays the cheeky vicar
with the daft grin as the villagers celebrate the 10th anniversary of
her arrival in style. Of course, things go badly wrong involving dangerous
encounters with Rachel Hunter, a lot of booze, Alice's eccentric interior
decorating skills and a life-size chocolate baby Jesus. The best bit of this show is always the joke at the end which dimwit Alice Tinker (Emma Chambers) never gets. Good, clean fun for all the family. |
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PARKINSON Saturday
25th December 10:30pm
In a special festive edition of his popular chat show, sycophantic reet
good bloke, Michael Parkinson, talks to Scottish pensioner Rod Stewart
about why he shags young blonde ladies. Pint-sized actress Barbara Windsor
chats about having an affair with Sid James. Plus fatboy, Joe Pasquale,
fresh from his win on' 'I'm a Celebrity...get me out of here',
talks absolute bollocks in a high pitched voice. Arse! The icing on the
cake is that fucking loathsome Liverpudlian smegface, Lily Savage, doing
a turn as the Wicked Queen from her crap Christmas panto, Snow White.
Hopefully someone will give him a pair of red hot metal slippers and make
poncy bastard dance until he drops dead. Wankrag! |
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| AGATHA CHRISTIE'S MARPLE
Sunday 26th December 9.00pm |
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SHERLOCK HOLMES Sunday 26th December 9.25pm
Conan Doyle's Great Detective features quite heavily on this website
so I have been told to review this new BBC production or lose any chance
of fathering a young DeVille on cute arse Zoe. (You'll have to sew them
back on again first, Miranda.) In this new story — 'The Case
of the Silk Stocking' — Holmes and Watson are reunited in
a desperate bid to find a vicious serial killer who snatches the daughters
of the aristocracy from their parents' homes. Idiots! The BBC should
give this man a job topping complete-waste-of space posh slappers like
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and vacuous social parasite, Tamara Beckwith (picture).
Can Holmes unlock the mystery before the killer strikes again? Did they
have silk stockings in 1896? Frankly, I don't care. The Boss well give
this 'thrilling mystery' three stars though, you mark my words. So much
for writing my own column. Bloody woman!
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BLAZING SADDLES Sunday
26th December 11.00pm
It’s the film with the long farting scene. I'm told it was cut out of
the movie in America, because it was deemed ‘offensive’ by their constipated,
bible bashing, film council. Didn't Moses fart? I would if I had to
subsist on onions and garlic for thirty days. Madeline Kahn is a hoot
hamming it up as Marlene Dietrich saloon slut lookalike, Lili Von Shtupp,
and the scene where Hedley Lamarr (Harvey Korman), loses his toy frog
in the bath is sure to raise a titter among the kids. Watch out for
black sheriff Cleavon Little riding into town. After the townspeople
turn hostile, he pulls a gun and threatens to shoot himself unless they
let him go. Whatever happened to him? A Google search would probably
answer that...hold on...he died in 1992. Enough said I think. |
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Words © 2004 -Alex DeVille. Design and graphics © 2004 utterpants.co.uk |
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The definitive Miss Marple, Joan Hickson (picture), sadly died a few
years ago, so she's not in it. Anyway, make a large cuppa, put your
feet up and try and solve this amazing crime! (I will help you; read
on). When a train swerves towards the 4.50 from Paddington (do you remember
when we had trains?), Elspeth McGillicuddy sees a woman in the parallel
carriage being strangled, the murderer's shape silhouetted against the
window. You may like to know it’s the doctor, he kills his French wife
and stuffs her body in a barn. Sorry.
