TV Guide
PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box
TV GUIDE: your Essential Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats
TV GUIDE: Monday 13th December - Sunday 19th December

utter crap HOLIDAY 2005 Monday 13th December 7.00pm
BBC 1 Star rating 1
Ginny Buckley We, the licence payer, cough up for an idiotic presenter to jet off to sun-drenched destinations so they can tell us how great they are? Fucking incredible — BBC taxpayers are such morons. Bring back fannylips Judith Chalmers touring self-sufficient milk farms in Devon. Anyway, tonight D-list celebrity Ginny Buckley is in Cork for the city's annual jazz festival (nice). Steve Backshall returns to Bali after the bombings (pity the gormless arse wasn’t there during them) and Nicky Taylor travels to Majorca with the kids. Whatever next? Dale Winton on a hiking holiday with gay dwarfs? Actually that’s next week...

Utterpants readers will be agog to know that 'G-spot' good-time girl, Ginny, has just ordered a new Nissan 350Z Roadster with the optional Alezan leather, black roof and ventilated net seats (picture). Wank! Or as Ginny put it to us: "What girl can resist the lure of a spot of topless motoring on a sunny day?" Dozy tart!
ComplainThe number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234

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utterchoice EASTENDERS Tuesday 14th December 7.30pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Stacey It's a busy week in Walford as the BBC pack in more storylines than Dirty Den's had shags in a desperate bid to save the show. Tonight, busty teen todger teaser, Stacey (picture), is determined to make her last day in the Square one to remember, so she nicks Sharon’s bra from her laundry bag and tries to set her and Dennis up. What will cute-arse Zoe do when she finds out what the scheming minx has been up to? I know what I'd do, but Zoe's 'wabbit' may not be man enough for the job. Why a bra? Have the BBC got no imagination? Take Sharon's dirty knickers, Stacey — I would!
Meanwhile, hapless Paul is drawn further into the criminal underworld and Little Mo tries to convince herself that shit-for-brains loser, Billy, will be a great dad. Forget it, love, just wrap an iron bar around his nuts.
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A DECADE OF LOTTERY DISASTERS Tuesday 14th December 8.00pm ITV 1 Star rating 2
National Lottery After a decade of the highly suspect National Lottery bollocks, or ‘lotto’ as it’s now known, this investigation into the misery and fucking chaos caused by jackpot wins should cheer you up! It’s a tale of poisonous family feuds, sensational marriage breakdowns and bitter bloody battles between lifelong friends, not to mention vicious tabloid intrusion into the lives of ordinary folk (poor buggers). Don’t you wish you had put all of those one-pound coins in a jar instead of frittering them away on a pointless shitarse quiz? If you counted up the pounds you could probably afford a two week holiday in Aiya Napa. Um, on second thoughts, keep buying those tickets...
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utterchoice THE GOOD LIFE Wednesday 15th December 7.30pm
BBC 2 Star rating 4
The Good Life Great theme tune, side-splitting one-liners and so inoffensive your grandma can watch. Yep, it’s the 1970s eco-friendly sitcom about a well-yummy bit of crumpet (Felicity Kendall) and her DIY obsessed hubby (Richard Briars) who decide to become self-sufficient by turning their semi into a market garden. In the seventies this really was viewed as ‘comedy at its best’. All I remember is wanting to take fluffy Flissy into the potting shed and show her my prize marrow, which she would have held in her tiny hands and stroked into blissful happiness.
Anyway, Margo (also very yummy, in fact well scrummy) and Jerry (God Rest His Soul) are slightly perturbed when the Goods (that’s Richard and Fliss) start to introduce livestock to Surbiton! Bloody Hell! But worse is to follow when Tom (Richard Briars) decides to paint the greenhouse pink to accommodate some chickens. Its too funny for words…set the VCR and standby for thirty minutes of hysteria! I can’t stop laughing….I must calm down.
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uttercrap BRICKING IT Wednesday 15th December 9.00pm
Channel 4 Star rating 1
Bricking it I'm not sure whether this is the second or third episode of this utterly forgettable series in which ten revolting teenagers seeking careers in the construction biz are given six months to turn an empty warehouse into a luxury flat. Like Big Brother, on which Channel 4 models these totally pointless shows, every week sees another tosser kicked off the site.
This week, one of the eight remaining trainees has an impending court case which could get the scumbucket banged up for a stretch (please send him down, M'Lud), pert-arsed partygirl Soph, has her sights set on the London lezza scene (Oh Lord!) and a third has trouble turning up at all. Surprise! Meanwhile, vain, shaghungry greasemonkey, Lauren (picture), is hopelessly behind in her plumbing. Is that a new teen euphemism for fudge packing? Apparently Lauren's ambition is to set up a glamorous 'all girls' plumbing business called Plumb-Hers. Arse!
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utterchoice EASTENDERS Thursday 16th December 7.30
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Cute arse ZoeA word of advice, Billy, take off the sheepskin coat before you turn into Ray Stubbs. Now if sexbomb Zoe (actress Michelle Ryan - picture) walked into my living room stark-bollock naked wanting a portion of DeVille love, I would say, “Young lady, sit down, let me take care of your needs…then help yourself.” Which makes me think that hardnut simpleton, Dennis, is in fact as gay as a boat. Tonight mouthy minger, Stacey, is thrown out of the Slaters' to face an icy reunion with her mum, oh dear. Dennis tells Sharon (Yes, I would) he has to stop living a lie, and Paul's drug dealing puts a little girl in danger. We are desperate to know when Alfie will shag little Mo. Come on, we know it WILL happen. (A tip from my insiders at Elstree). I think it will be over the bar…
Elsewhere, Zoe orders Stacey out of the Slater house. Let's hope it's so she can find some privacy to play with her 'wabbit'.
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GARDENERS WORLDFriday 17th December 8.00pm BBC 2
BBC 2 Star rating 4
Rachel de Thame Gay as a boat presenter Monty Don kicks the idiotic Christmas party off by visiting the amazing mistletoe and holly auction at Tenbury Wells! I must set the VCR to dribble over sloe-eyed sex goddess, Rachel de Thame (picture), as she presents the top ten house plants for this time of year and creates some unusual wreaths. Have you noticed a pattern? Yes, the presenters all have twatarse names! Anyway, Chris Beardshaw is testing five varieties of Christmas tree to see which type will still be looking spruce on Twelfth Night. I'm thinking TAXPAYER again. Why don’t they make a show devoted to telling us how to stop stray dogs shitting in our gardens, or why birds eat my bloody prize blooms?
Tip: the show is better on Radio 4 (and cheaper…its on 198 LW), but you won't see gorgeous English Rose, Rachel. Bugger!
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TONIGHT WITH TREVOR McDONALD Friday 17th December 8.00pm
ITV 1 Star rating 3
Sir Trevor McDonald How does Sir Trev manage to clip his moustache into such a fine, defining line? It’s brilliant! He must spend hours in front of his mirror at Chez-McDonald cutting and trimming, getting his tiny tash ready for national Telly! Maximum respek to this glorious fella, who’s wise words fill the nation with utter joy! Basically, its headline-making investigations and exclusive interviews, with tashtastic Trev and the underpaid Tonight team (most of whom get paid very late — ITN are infamous for that). Tossers!
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utterchoice THE WEAKEST LINK Saturday 18th December 7.00pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Anne Robinson Baldrick's ferocious Sis is back! She's been described as a cross between Cruella de Vil and the Marquis de Sade's mum; a heartless dominatrix who's baleful glance can shrivel a man's filberts at 100 yards and make grown women pee their pants. Yes, Anne Robinson is back on the Telly! This woman must be terminally depressed to maul her guests with such rottweiling enthusiasm. I feel for her, I really do. A few years ago I was wondering around Times Square, in NYC, and her hairy mug was grinning from every billboard — now she has fallen from US sitcom stardom and is back where she belongs on BBC TV. If she was ever rude to me, I would kick her in the fanny and steal her purse. Unmissable!
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uttercrap BRITAIN'S WORST.. HUSBAND
Sunday 19th December 8.00pm Channel 5 Star rating 1
Quentin WillsonBalding poncearse, Quentin Willson, is still banging out this preposterous series in which the gabby gobshite sets out to discover who is the worst in the land. Tonight, it's the turn of husbands. Yabba, yabba, wank! Why? Four cheap as chips spouses have been nominated by their long-suffering wives and are forced to undergo a series of pointless tests to prove they're not complete wankrags. Why do they do it? I nominate the makers of this condescending shite as Britain's worst fucking morons. Completely fucking awful.
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NEXT WEEK ON THE BOX
...a bumper, thrill packed Christmas review. Unmissable!
TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box at Christmas
Words © 2004 -Alex DeVille. Design and graphics © 2004 utterpants.co.uk
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THIS WEEK

TV GUIDE RATINGS

Star rating 4 Unmissable

Star rating 3Worth watching

Star rating 2 Barely bloody watchable

Star rating 1A complete waste of your license fee

Previously on TV GUIDE

6th December -
12th December 2004

29th November -
5th December 2004

22nd November -
28th November 2004

15th November -
21st November 2004

8th November -
14th November 2004

1st November -
7th November 2004

25th OCTOBER -
1st November 2004

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