PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES |
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated! |
Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it. |
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TV GUIDE: your Essential Guide
to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex
DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats |
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| TV GUIDE:
Monday 13th December - Sunday 19th December |
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Utterpants
readers will be agog to know that 'G-spot' good-time girl, Ginny, has
just ordered a new Nissan 350Z Roadster with the optional Alezan leather,
black roof and ventilated net seats (picture). Wank! Or as Ginny put
it to us: "What girl can resist the lure of a spot of topless motoring
on a sunny day?" Dozy tart! |
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EASTENDERS Tuesday 14th December 7.30pm
It's a busy week in Walford as the BBC pack in more storylines than
Dirty Den's had shags in a desperate bid to save the show. Tonight,
busty teen todger teaser, Stacey (picture), is determined to make her
last day in the Square one to remember, so she nicks Sharon’s bra from
her laundry bag and tries to set her and Dennis up. What will cute-arse
Zoe do when she finds out what the scheming minx has been up to? I know
what I'd do, but Zoe's 'wabbit' may not be man enough for the job. Why
a bra? Have the BBC got no imagination? Take Sharon's dirty knickers,
Stacey — I would! Meanwhile, hapless Paul is drawn further into the criminal underworld and Little Mo tries to convince herself that shit-for-brains loser, Billy, will be a great dad. Forget it, love, just wrap an iron bar around his nuts. |
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A DECADE OF LOTTERY
DISASTERS Tuesday 14th December 8.00pm
After a decade of the highly suspect National Lottery bollocks, or ‘lotto’
as it’s now known, this investigation into the misery and fucking chaos
caused by jackpot wins should cheer you up! It’s a tale of poisonous
family feuds, sensational marriage breakdowns and bitter bloody battles
between lifelong friends, not to mention vicious
tabloid intrusion into the lives of ordinary folk (poor buggers).
Don’t you wish you had put all of those one-pound coins in a jar instead
of frittering them away on a pointless shitarse quiz? If you counted
up the pounds you could probably afford a two week holiday in Aiya Napa.
Um, on second thoughts, keep buying those tickets...
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THE GOOD LIFE Wednesday 15th December 7.30pm
Great theme tune, side-splitting one-liners and so inoffensive your
grandma can watch. Yep, it’s the 1970s eco-friendly sitcom about a well-yummy
bit of crumpet (Felicity Kendall) and her DIY obsessed hubby (Richard
Briars) who decide to become self-sufficient by turning their semi into
a market garden. In the seventies this really was viewed as ‘comedy
at its best’. All I remember is wanting to take fluffy Flissy into the
potting shed and show her my prize marrow, which she would have held
in her tiny hands and stroked into blissful happiness.Anyway, Margo (also very yummy, in fact well scrummy) and Jerry (God Rest His Soul) are slightly perturbed when the Goods (that’s Richard and Fliss) start to introduce livestock to Surbiton! Bloody Hell! But worse is to follow when Tom (Richard Briars) decides to paint the greenhouse pink to accommodate some chickens. Its too funny for words…set the VCR and standby for thirty minutes of hysteria! I can’t stop laughing….I must calm down. |
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BRICKING IT Wednesday 15th December 9.00pm
I'm not sure whether this is the second or third episode of this utterly
forgettable series in which ten revolting teenagers seeking careers
in the construction biz are given six months to turn an empty warehouse
into a luxury flat. Like Big Brother, on which Channel 4 models these
totally pointless shows, every week sees another tosser kicked off the
site. This week, one of the eight remaining trainees has an impending court case which could get the scumbucket banged up for a stretch (please send him down, M'Lud), pert-arsed partygirl Soph, has her sights set on the London lezza scene (Oh Lord!) and a third has trouble turning up at all. Surprise! Meanwhile, vain, shaghungry greasemonkey, Lauren (picture), is hopelessly behind in her plumbing. Is that a new teen euphemism for fudge packing? Apparently Lauren's ambition is to set up a glamorous 'all girls' plumbing business called Plumb-Hers. Arse! |
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EASTENDERS Thursday 16th December 7.30
 A
word of advice, Billy, take off the sheepskin coat before you turn into
Ray Stubbs. Now if sexbomb Zoe (actress Michelle Ryan - picture) walked
into my living room stark-bollock naked wanting a portion of DeVille
love, I would say, “Young lady, sit down, let me take care of your needs…then
help yourself.” Which makes me think that hardnut simpleton, Dennis,
is in fact as gay as a boat. Tonight mouthy minger, Stacey, is thrown
out of the Slaters' to face an icy reunion with her mum, oh dear. Dennis
tells Sharon (Yes, I would) he has to stop living a lie, and Paul's
drug dealing puts a little girl in danger. We are desperate to know
when Alfie will shag little Mo. Come on, we know it WILL happen.
(A tip from my insiders at Elstree). I think it will be over the bar…Elsewhere, Zoe orders Stacey out of the Slater house. Let's hope it's so she can find some privacy to play with her 'wabbit'. |
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GARDENERS WORLDFriday 17th December 8.00pm BBC 2
Gay as a boat presenter Monty Don kicks the idiotic Christmas party
off by visiting the amazing mistletoe and holly auction at Tenbury Wells!
I must set the VCR to dribble over sloe-eyed sex goddess, Rachel de
Thame (picture), as she presents the top ten house plants for this time
of year and creates some unusual wreaths. Have you noticed a pattern?
Yes, the presenters all have twatarse names! Anyway, Chris Beardshaw
is testing five varieties of Christmas tree to see which type will still
be looking spruce on Twelfth Night. I'm thinking TAXPAYER
again. Why don’t they make a show devoted to telling us how to stop
stray dogs shitting in our gardens, or why birds eat my bloody prize
blooms? Tip: the show is better on Radio 4 (and cheaper…its on 198 LW), but you won't see gorgeous English Rose, Rachel. Bugger! |
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TONIGHT WITH TREVOR
McDONALD Friday 17th December 8.00pm
How does Sir Trev manage to clip his moustache into such a fine, defining
line? It’s brilliant! He must spend hours in front of his mirror at
Chez-McDonald cutting and trimming, getting his tiny tash ready for
national Telly! Maximum respek to this glorious fella, who’s wise words
fill the nation with utter joy! Basically, its headline-making investigations
and exclusive interviews, with tashtastic Trev and the underpaid Tonight
team (most of whom get paid very late — ITN are infamous for that).
Tossers!
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THE WEAKEST LINK Saturday 18th December
7.00pm
Baldrick's ferocious Sis is back! She's been described as a cross between
Cruella de Vil and the Marquis de Sade's mum; a heartless dominatrix
who's baleful glance can shrivel a man's filberts at 100 yards and make
grown women pee their pants. Yes, Anne Robinson is back on the Telly!
This woman must be terminally depressed to maul her guests with such
rottweiling enthusiasm. I feel for her, I really do. A few years ago
I was wondering around Times Square, in NYC, and her hairy mug was grinning
from every billboard — now she has fallen from US sitcom stardom and
is back where she belongs on BBC TV. If she was ever rude to me, I would
kick her in the fanny and steal her purse. Unmissable!
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BRITAIN'S WORST.. HUSBAND Sunday 19th December 8.00pm 
 Balding
poncearse, Quentin Willson, is still banging out this preposterous series
in which the gabby gobshite sets out to discover who is the worst in
the land. Tonight, it's the turn of husbands. Yabba, yabba, wank! Why?
Four cheap as chips spouses have been nominated by their long-suffering
wives and are forced to undergo a series of pointless tests to prove
they're not complete wankrags. Why do they do it? I nominate the makers
of this condescending shite as Britain's worst fucking morons. Completely
fucking awful. |
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| NEXT WEEK ON THE BOX ...a bumper, thrill packed Christmas review. Unmissable! 
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Words © 2004 -Alex DeVille. Design and graphics © 2004 utterpants.co.uk |
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We, the licence payer, cough up for an idiotic presenter to
jet off to sun-drenched destinations so they can tell us
how great they are? Fucking incredible — BBC taxpayers are such morons.
Bring back fannylips Judith Chalmers touring self-sufficient milk farms
in Devon. Anyway, tonight D-list celebrity Ginny Buckley is in Cork
for the city's annual jazz festival (nice). Steve Backshall returns
to Bali after the bombings (pity the gormless arse wasn’t there during
them) and Nicky Taylor travels to Majorca with the kids. Whatever next?
Dale Winton on a hiking holiday with gay dwarfs? Actually that’s next
week...
