Funny TV Guide | Alex on the Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK

PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: your Essential Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats

TV GUIDE: Monday 6th December - Sunday 12th December

EASTENDERS Monday 6th December 8.00pm

No! Say it isn't true! Worried BBC chiefs are to slash the number of episodes in a last ditch attempt to keep this rapidly sinking soap bubble afloat after actor Leslie Grantham (Dirty Den) claimed the show was 'going down the pan'. Stupid tossers! Why don't the BBC just ask cute arse Zoe (actress Michelle Ryan) to get her kit off? She's just bared her lovely young body for Arena Magazine so why can't she do it on the Telly? Wank! This week, well-minging motormouth, Stacey, is out for revenge, while a new geezer down the club thwarts Sharon and Dennis's plans of secret love. Does that mean Zoe might be interested in an ageing TV columnist? Please tell me she is. Priceless.

BAND AID 20 Monday 6th December 10.35pm

As Sir Bob once eloquently screamed, “There are people dying now! Phone up, buy the record!” It seems that twenty years on most of the money we raised in 1985 has been stolen by despotic third world leaders, so it's time to try again. Tonight we can enjoy the thrilling inside story of the making of the Band Aid 20 charity single.
And I thought it was just a scruffy bunch of snotty teenagers turning up at a studio and singing (badly), but there's more to it than that! We’ll enjoy exclusive behind the scenes footage of the recording sessions featuring access to all the artists involved, including gobshite Bono, Small Knob McCartney, Chris Martin, Mrs. Robbie Williams, Dildo and many more. It follows the seemingly endless efforts of Bob Geldof, Minge Ure and producer Nigel Godrich to create a fresh and contemporary version of Do They Know It's Christmas twenty years on from the original. Sadly the record is crap, I think I will stick with my Andy Williams Christmas Singalong this year.

THE HUNGERFORD MASSACRE
Tuesday 7th December 9.00pm

Nutter Alert! Re live the thrilling events in Hungerford! Hurrah! Why the BBC have produced a Documentary about gunman Michael Ryan's killing spree in 1987 is totally beyond me. It will just encourage more loonies to buy guns and shoot their neighbours. Knowing the tossing BBC they will then ‘cash in’ to produce a show called, 'Kill Next Door with Carole Bloody Smillie.' Wankers.
Anyway, the show uses eyewitness accounts from those who survived pointless computer-generated images, to ‘relive’ that horrific night and a dramatic reconstruction to piece together how and why the massacre unfolded — claiming sixteen lives. It also shows how Hungerford is still dealing with its loss, how the events led to the ban on semi-automatic weapons and a revamp of police communications. Fucking awful. Have the BBC finally lost the plot? Just ask Union Carbide...hoho.

The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234

BODIES Wednesday 8th December 9.00pm

Yet another Hospital drama, 'Bodies' has been described as 'dark and sometimes funny'. So has taking a dump in an outside toilet, though it's arguably more satisfying than this pile of surgical shite. This week, some dozy doc makes a pass at pretty Polly — played by Tamzin Malleson (picture) — the star of such stirring soap suds as 'The Bill, 'The Vice' and 'Teachers'. Why are all these C-List celebs called 'Tamzin', 'Tara' or 'Tamara'? Enough said. Arse!

That number to complain to the BBC again is 0207 566 1234

TOP OF THE POPS Thursday 9th December 7.30pm

“It’s Number One, It’s Top of the Pops!” The days of Sir Jimmy Savile, Tony Blackburn, DLT and Peter Powell presenting this show are sadly over — However at least we don’t have to endure the likes of Pickety Witch, Middle of The Road and Herman’s Fucking Hermits. Nowadays most of the music is made by young thugs with 'da attitude'..innit?’ Today’s pop stars carry flick knives, snort coke and kill old people in dramatic shootouts. I was saddened to see that the So Solid Crew’s Megaman may be banged up for murder — don't bend over in the showers, tough guy. Too funny.

THIS MORNING Thursday 9th December 10.30

Holy Shit! It’s the show that caters for Britain’s unemployed people, who sit on their lazy, fat arses whilst the rest of us are working hard to keep this great nation afloat. Well you lazy blob wankers, here’s what's happening today: Fatty Fern Britton (picture) and grey chops Phillip Schofield have more seasonal celebrations from West Wycombe Park with the stars of The Rat Pack, Lionel Fanthorpe and Dr Chris Steele exploring the latest health headlines, not that you’ll be paying much attention to that bit, you disgusting layabouts. Plus some great tips for ways to spend your dole money. You could always skip the show and pay a visit to the job centre, come on, you know you want to.

HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU
Friday 10th December 9pm

This week it’s a David Blindgit special (you know who he is). I know, you're wondering how the charmless tosser managed to hump that lovely Quinn woman (picture). Power seems to turn some women on, even if they have to shag a guy that looks like a scraggy Lancashire milk goat. It’s a pity Blunkett cannot appreciate Quinn's beauty, because I would service her without hesitation.
Anyway, after being blown by a cheap whore, eating hash cookies and then stuffing coke up his nose (or possibly his arse), Angus Deayton has been sent packing from this lovable little quizshow. Team captains are adorable bald gooncake Ian Hislop and piss-taking ad-libber, Paul Moron. Grrreat!

FRIDAY NIGHT WITH JONATHAN ROSS
Friday 10th December 10.35pm BBC1

Friday night is Wossy night! This week, the cheeky cockey chappie who admits to cracking one off the wrist before the show for 'relaxation', interviews sassy Sex and the City star, Kim Cattrall. Grrr! Show us your ginger bush, Kim! Plus, rising Irish funny man Dara O'Briain, struts his stuff and long-haired southern rockers, the Kings of Leon, belt out a couple of raunchy new tunes. Send the missus to bed early, get the beers in and chill out on the sofa. Unmissable.

NOTTING HILL Saturday 11th December 9.30pm

You've heard the hype, seen the movie...now visit the area! It’s a dump skank shitbag toontown! I often see yanks with cameras, wondering around aimlessly looking for Hugh' BJ' Grant. After having harlot Davine Brown's laughing gear wrapped around his posh knob, Hugh told Utterpants he felt that he'd 'done something dishonorable, shabby and goatish.' I bet he felt great though!
Imagine Davine's soft lips...Ahem! Anyway, I remember when you could get a house in Notting Hill for around 85,000 quid (Just after the Riddlington Place Murders). Since Madonna moved in you'll be lucky to get a kick up the arse for less than a grand. Yabba Yabba…Anyway, it’s the movie; your wife will love it. Yawn. Sadly, there's no oral action in the film.

BULLIT Sunday 12th December 10.50pm

Pow, crunch! It’s the car chase of the century! Yes, the world’s longest car chase, unedited…I must set up the VCR! The star of this furious flick, Steve McQueen, was diagnosed with mesothelioma lung cancer on December 22, 1979, but kept his terminal illness a secret until a month before his death.
Funnily enough, he made this film before he died, which makes for great viewing. However, he did better work in his tragically short career, but this is one of the films that helped make him a screen icon. (I prefer the Thomas Crown Affair, where he gets to shag Faye Dunaway…I must step away for a moment). You may also like to know he was paid one million dollars for this film. Wanker. I can’t stop thinking about Faye Dunaway now; bugger! This always happens... I bloody love older women.
Now, I must find a box of Kleenex...