Funny TV Guide | Alex on the Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK

PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: your Essential Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats

TV GUIDE: Monday 29th November - Sunday 5th December

DOCTORS Monday 29th Nov 2.00pm

Doctors There’s more drama at the Doctor's! Since quitting his career as a loveable country vet, pot-faced fag, Christopher Timothy, has become a miserable bastard quack at some rundown practice in the West Midlands. Who would choose to work in the Midlands? It’s fucking awful. I dare you to spend the weekend in Cannock; what a grade 1 dump. Anyway, today a Parkinson's sufferer is left with no option but to take drastic action to get herself noticed. Yes, the poor bugger sings Bay City Rollers songs stark bollock naked in the Bull Ring, and we get a glimpse of her plastic cup! Tasha has some bad news for tosswank Nathan, while Helen's world is looking up (for a change). Arse!

EASTENDERS Monday 29th Nov 7.30pm

Roll out the barrel! Maybe its because I'm a cockney wanker…that I love Lunnun tahn….What a healthy community Walford is! I've noticed (during an extensive period of non-stop research), that the only resident of ‘the square’ that smokes, is Dot! Surely this must be the healthiest spot in the UK, maybe even the world? I have passed this information on to the NHS and I hope they take note. Anyway, it’s the usual bollocks tonight whereas we want to see cute arse Zoe get her top off. It's not much to ask, is it? Little wonder viewing figures have fallen below 150,000. Dirty Den has quit the show, so it will be safe to watch again after Christmas. Probably.

SHOOTING STARSTuesday 30th November 7.00pm

Comic genius Vic Reeves is joined by the even funnier Bob Mortimer for this side splitting comical feast! Why-Eye Mun! Newcastle Brown! Swedish tart, Ulrika Johnson’s looking pretty scraggy nowadays, but I would still service the shagaholic slapper, whilst whispering sweet Nordic nothings into her lughole (should she ask, again). Tonight’s show features Will Self (he’s gay) Johnny Vegas (he’s not) and Curtis Stigers; a C-list US trumpet player. I understand he's married with children. Definitely Gay, then.

THE BILL Wednesday 1st December 8.00pm

You're nicked sunshine! Leave it out guv’nor! 10-4! On the way Sarge! You have the right to remain silent…wank, shit, toss! Why do I bother? You know the story; the good folks at Sunhill solve more crimes in their fictional ‘patch’. Usually features a dotty old couple, a stereotypical black thug and a dodgy businessman (driving a Jag). Worth watching for shopaholic sexbomb Amber (picture). Cor blimey, ma'am, you can take my particulars down anyday. Wank!

I'M A CELEBRITY...GET ME OUT OF HERE Wednesday 1st December 10.00pm

Seems like my snakes didn’t manage to catch the slimy D-list tosstarts last week; bugger! Tonight eight become seven. Viewers back in the UK have been wasting their money voting on premium phone lines and one more pisswank will have to leave the jungle. To make this game more fun, you could try our new Utterpants game called “Get I'm a Celebrity off the Bloody Telly.”
Simply call ITV and tell them to make some decent bloody programmes for a change. So here's what to do: pick your region, then call the number below. When the nice receptionist answers, shout, “Your station is shit! Wankers!” Then slam the phone down. Fun eh? Each call gets you one point.
Main ITV - Tel: 020 7843 8000
E-mail: info@itv.co.uk
Anglia Tel: 01603 615151
Central Tel: 0121 643 9898
London Tel: 020 7240 4000
Yorkshire Tel: 0113 243 8283

WHAT THE BUTLER SAW
Thursday 2nd December 10.00pm

Sadly, not a voyeuristic peek at naughty ladies, but another dose of 'Reality' TV. Think I'm a Celebrity meets Big Brother. The series plucks a bunch of south London gobshites who wouldn't be out of place in Walford and dumps them in a posh gaff in Holland Park where they have to pass themselves off as upper class toffs. The knobarses compete for an ‘inheritance’ of £50,000, to be given to the poor idiot who's left at the end of the series. What an original idea. Wank! Watch out for Gay as a Boat under butler, Simon, pissing himself at the 'sarf Lunnon' ladies dripping with cheap Tom, and too much make-up. I fucking hate those cheap tarts with their gold sovereigns and tacky tattoos!

SOCCER NIGHT! Friday 3rd December 11.55pm

Yawwwn...News of your region's football league clubs, including so-called midweek action and a preview of the weekend's matches. Just to show you the kind of thing your in for, here’s a few quotes from the team of this extraordinary programme:
"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
"The World Cup is a truly international event."
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip."
"The goals made such a difference to the way this game went."
"I remember so clearly us going into hospital so Victoria could have Brooklyn. I was eating a Lion bar at the time."
Enough said. Fucking idiots..

YOU’VE BEEN FRAMED! Saturday 4th December 5.25pm

Alas, little old funny hand Jez Beadle is out of the hot seat! (He can now be found doing a local radio show somewhere). I do miss his tiny beard and wicked laugh. “Watch out Beadles About! Da da da.” Now we are subjected to the voice of bald git Harry Hill on the show that makes you the star! Simply send in your tapes (preferably of you making an utter arse of yourself) and you could be on the little screen! Tonight's idiots include the world's worst fishermen, the world's unluckiest actors (see Eastenders), and the world's deadliest dancers — all caught on camcorder. It’s fucking hilarious!

MATCH OF THE DAY Saturday 4th December 10.30pm

The adorable Gary Lineker is joined by toothless simpleton Alan Hanson for an extended Match of the Day! Tonight we are in for a real treat as we get highlights of today's eight Barclays Premiership fixtures. PLUS….(if that’s not enough) we also get the pick of the FA Cup second round ties. It’s too much.. pass the brandy..

BBC NEWS Sunday 5th December 10.00pm

The BBC’s team of 250 overpaid global correspondents keep us update with reports from adorable reporters, beautiful news anchors, stylish graphics and on screen captions. It’s a hoot. Look out for Caroline Wyatt in Paris — she talks like a bloke and looks like a dog that hasn't got its legover in a while. Priceless!