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PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: your Essential Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats

TV GUIDE: Monday 22nd November - Sunday 28th November

EASTENDERS Monday 22nd November 8.00pm

The king of ‘bouncebackability’ Dirty Den, is back and tonight he’s really pissed off! (Which makes a change from being jerked off). That slimy scum bucket Tommy receives a parting gift from Den that he’ll never forget (could it be a web cam?) Go get him Den! Curvaceous, cute arse Zoe (left), receives a gift…but who is it from? Is it a Rabbit? Imagine Zoe playing with a Rabbit….oh dear Lord — pass the Kleenex! Let's try and guess who’s covering the stall for Mickey tonight; my money is on Big Mo. Did you see her on Children in Need? Bugger! Talk about mutton dressed as lamb.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
MONDAY 22 November 8.30pm

Bamber Gascoigne is no longer presenting this show, so before you tune in expecting to see a smarmy twat in a bow tie with frizzy hair…forget it. However, you can see sneering gobshite Jeremy, 'rotweiler' Paxman, grilling six other twats masquerading as Britain’s elite who answer questions about all maner of bollocks. Answer this you spotty shitbags: Nearly 70% of American drivers have admitted to doing this behind the wheel? Umm…Good Luck. Swatpiss!

The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234.

SNOOKER CHAMPIONSHIPS Tuesday 23rd Nov 11.20pm

As Chas and Dave once sang, “I'm snooker loopy!” Fags out, put the dog in the kennel, crack tubes and put the wife to bed… its time to head 'op north' for more gripping sports 'action' from chainsmoking blokes in flat chaps and shiny waistcoats. Tonight we're in York, and chubby ball master, Ray Stubbs, is rounding up the days 'events' for us. My old friend Tony finds snooker really boring — but one of his cats is totally fascinated by it. Stupid moggy.

I'M A CELEBRITY…Get me out of here!
Wednesday 24th November 12.30am

I am currently praying that the entire D-List cast of this wank excuse for a show encounter a very large pack of deadly snakes. I have recently been informed that in Australia a snake called The Inland Taipan is believed to be the most toxic of all snakes; it makes the deadly Cobra look like a fluffy church mouse. One bite delivers enough venom to kill around 100 people. The Australian Black snake and the Brown snake cause the most deaths down under. So can you imagine the headline: ‘TV Massacre as Deadly snakes slay D-List shits’. We can dream.

SEX AND THE CITY
Wednesday 24th Nov 11.05pm

New York’s my kinda town! A bunch of ‘ladies’ in their 30’s discuss masturbation, blow jobs, spanking, bondage, showers, gangbangs, dildos, fudge packing, shaving, and other quaint American sexual practices. This week the delightful Samantha discovers that Richard’s assistant is buying her gifts on his behalf (don’t most men get their assistants to do that?) Tonight there is a 96.5% chance that we may get a peek at Kim Cattrall stark bollock naked.
So worth setting the video boys.

QUESTION TIME Thursday 25th November 10.35pm

Here’s another chance to watch pointless politicians dodge a series of simple questions submitted by a ‘cross section’ of the great British public. The BBC spend a fortune to ensure the audience consists of an acceptable balance of the nations ethnic and religious sections. So why is it always the little old ladies who turn up at the studio to keep out of the bitter cold, who end up asking the really killer questions like: “why is this country going to the dogs”? and; “I'm freezing to death, please give us larger pensions you tight-arsed shitheads.” Have you noticed that all the really dumbarsed questions are submitted by students? To think these idiots will run the country when I'm old and grey. Priceless.

TODAY WITH DES AND MELFriday 26th November 1.00pm

Contrary to popular rumour, the delightfully tanned Des O’Connor (of singing fame) is still alive and kicking. You can see him today chatting with Cliff, ‘coffee table’ Richard, about the good old days when Harold Wilson was Prime Minister, TV started at 6pm and records were made of vinyl. Younger viewers will enjoy drooling over Mel Sykes (picture left) who co-presents this budget chat fest. Joining them today are every housewife's favourite tenor, Russell Watson, and cheeky, 'C-List' chappy, Darren Day.

FRIDAY NIGHT WITH JONATHAN ROSS
Friday 26th November 10.35pm

“Wibble wibble, let’s talk about me, my family and how much money I have”. Wanker. Tonight, cheeky cockney sex god, Wossy, interviews the world's pwize wanker — yes, it’s roving rock ambassador, Bono! (not to be confused with Sunny Bono, who died some years ago in a tragic accident in Aspen). Why does Oirish superstar Bono always wear organic designer sunglasses…is it an illness? Poor Sod.

BILLY CONNOLLY’S WORLD TOUR OF NEW ZEALAND

Saturday 27th November 9.00pm

Look at me in my wee kilt with my funny Scottish accent! Look at me!! I never found this jumped up, Scottish hairy smartarse, funny and his recent jokes about Ken Bigley made him look like the complete pisshole he is. Why an intelligent and really fit looking bird like Pamela Stephenson (left), ever married this wankwit is one of life's great mysteries. Who remembers the Not the Nine O'Clock News skit in which she got her scrummy tits out? Now why can't the BBC repeat that? Bastards! I would advise you to switch off your TV for the duration of this broadcast and save some money on your electricity bill. Understood?

That number to complain to the BBC again is 0207 566 1234.

BRITAIN'S WORST...HOMESunday 28th November 8.00pm

How many of these bloody programmes do we have to suffer? Tonight, toffee-nosed titwank, Quentin Willson, who needs two 'L's' to sex up his cheap as chips surname, presents the latest in this awful series. In between sneering digs at china ornaments and Laura Ashley drapes, Quentin 'helps' interior designers Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister re-educate four homeowners whose taste he finds questionable. Picked from hundreds of council semis nominated by the morons who watch this Docucrap, the cheesy quartet get three days to give their flyblown cesspits a makeover. Can they change their ways? Do we give a fuck? Wank!