Funny TV Guide | Alex on the Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK

PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

UK TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box — Your Essential Guide to what's on Telly in the UK this week. Alexander DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats

TV GUIDE: Monday 15th November - Sunday 21st November

MICHAEL JACKSON'S MIND Monday 15th Nov 9.00pm

Yet another documentary taking a look inside the perplexing psyche of the plastic psycho superstar, featuring commentary and insight from so-called medical experts, former employees, children, journalists and acquaintances. Expect a guest appearance by spoon-bending Jacko apologist, Uri Geller. Wank. The programme examines Jackson's brutal childhood; his obsession with small, furry animals and children, and his current venture as a karaoke MC. Keep your kids away from open windows.

SIR CLIFF RICHARDS ORANGE PLAYLIST
MONDAY 15 November 11.00pm

Lauren Laverne, pop princess wannabe and self-confessed 'I'm a lift-your-skirt-up kind of girl', presents another pointless music show with an amazing difference! She asks pop stars which songs they like! Fantastic! ITV claim this incredible idea will give us 'an exclusive insight into the personal playlists of celebrities' (yawn). Today's guest is the indestructible glass coffee table king, Sir Cliff Richard! If Lauren's wearing a cute arse-skimming pelmet I want to sit under the table.

EASTENDERS Tuesday 16th Nov 7.30pm

It's another trip to Walford! Hurrah! It's the morning after the night before and that disgusting Irishscumbottle pisswank, Tommy, has a proposition for dozy slapper, Chrissie. However, when sultry sexbomb Kate (picture left) and Chrissie confront each other, they quickly twig what scheming Stacey’s been up to and decide it’s time to sort the little minx out. Football team Real Walford takes to the turf for the first time — but some of you may remember ‘Walford Town' from the 1980’s (remember they scored an own goal and Arthur was very upset?). Well minging motormouth, Stacey stirs it up at the nail bar. Miss it at your peril.

THE SMOKING ROOM Tuesday 16th November 10.30pm

Utterly pointless Sitcom about a self-centred crew of emotionally wrecked nicotine junkies who hang out in an office smoking room. What next — the wanking room? This week, bitchy fag hag boss, Sharon, wants everyone to go paintballing. Wank. Look out for the 50-a-day slapper with a passion for the postboy; the grouchy security guard; the thick-skinned office Romeo and the token divorcee enjoying a new adolescence shagging the office slut. If this doesn't get you to kick the habit, nothing will.

The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234.

MARK THATCHER AND THE DOGS OF WAR
Wednesday 17th Nov 7.30pm

Some programmes should not be produced; this is one of them! The bastard BBC have really stepped over the mark (no pun) this time. The Money Programme travels to Africa to tell the full story of the attempted coup in Equatorial Guinea allegedly funded by a group of Western businessmen including Mark Thatcher (I can assure you Mark is a top bloke, I have a feeling he was framed). It's a shadowy story of arms dealers, mercenaries, dodgy geezers in dark glasses and scheming slappers (so a little bit like Eastenders, really, see above).

TARRANT'S WAY Thursday 18th November 7.30pm

Chris and Ingrid Tarrant (that’s his not so young wife on the left) embark on six historic road trips from London, using the AA's first illustrated road map. Amongst the idyllic places they visit are Southend (why?) and an asbestos factory in Barking. You'd have to be to watch this. They also discover the foundations of a lost stately home in Thurrock and meet Frank Sinatra. Why? I mean think about it, why? Apart from being married to titwank Chris Tarrant, Ingrid's claim to fame is that she once drove into her 11-year old sister, and a few years later propelled a transvestite on to the bonnet of her Triumph Spitfire. Why? See what I mean?

TRUANTS Thursday 18th November 8.00pm

Another dose of schadenfreude from the BBC masquerading as a six part Docudrama. This complete waste of your license fee follows quaint Northern folk in Ecky Thump country as they face the daily battle of getting kids back down t' pit — or possibly school. The truancy patrol finds a couple of spliffs after picking up two 12-year-olds with wacky baccy stashed in their satchels. Ee ba gum, 'appen that'll be reet champion!
Who says you don't get owt for nowt in this world?

That number to complain to again is 0207 566 1234.

RICHARD & JUDY Friday 19th November 5.00pm

Gobby Judy Finnigan and lugubrious Lothario, Richard Madeley continue to masquerade as a happy celebrity TV couple. This show features C-list celebrity guests, topical talking points screwed up by Madeley’s blinkered view of the world, idiotic competitions, 'exclusive' previews and utterly pointless reports. Tossers. The only relief from the mind-numbing tedium is a guest appearance by smouldering, Irish hunk Pierce Brosnan.
Middle-aged women in the midst of a mid-life crises will melt.

ABBAMANIA II
Saturday 20th November 9.45pm

A galaxy of stars celebrate the magic of 70's Swedish Supertroopers, Abba, with a fresh interpretation of some of their greatest hits. Plus celebrity memories of the band that took the pop world by storm at the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest. Middle aged men will reach for the Kleenex as those saucy Swedish sexbombs strut their stuff. Thank you for music! Flared trousers, cuban heels, packet of five in the top pocket of my pink jacket; bliss. Whatever happened to Boney M?

MONARCH OF THE GLEN Sunday 21st November 8.00pm

Preposterous Scottish soap on a rope about the young laird of a Highlands estate. Archie MacDonald is a darkly handsome hunk who ran a trendy London restaurant before inheriting Glenbogle, a run-down estate which makes Balmoral look like a cottage. Think Eastenders in kilts without the swearing and the drinking. This week, sassy buxom lassie, Lexie, is shocked to learn that blond bombshell Amanda is married, Lady Dorothy takes a shine to a stable lad, and gormless gillie, Golly, is still trying to work out if his daughter is a lezza. You can adjust my sporran anytime, Lexie. Priceless.