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PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

In our exclusive UK TV GUIDE, Alexander DeVille, tells you what's worth staying in for and what might seriously damage your health

TV GUIDE: Monday 8th November - Sunday 14th November

HOME AND AWAY
MONDAY 8 November 12.30pm

Another teen angst soap that proves Aussies are a few Kangaroos loose in the top paddock. Australia is absolutely miles away from most decent countries in the world, but does that keep the blowy bushies away? No, we have to endure endless hours of their so-called 'culture'. Whatever happened to cute little Kylie? As for all Australians being ex convicts, or descended from them, that's true, Sheila. G’Day, tinny, cor blimey..throw another shrimp on the barbie, mate. Wank!

Dr QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN Monday 8th Nov 1.50pm

Middle-aged men across the country secretly tape this show, hoping they can watch it whilst their little lady is out shopping at Asda. I can’t blame them. Jane Seymour can check me over anytime with her delicious Victorian bustle clinging to her perfectly formed body. This show is worth more than a quick tommy tank; it goes deeper than that. Some women become more beautiful with age, Jane is the perfect example! Some women don’t age well — take Debbie Harry for example — she could spit wasps. Check Babemoon.com out for some scrummy nude snaps of Jane! Just look at that beautiful wet body and those luscious lips. Bugger, I think I've just spilled something. Bloody lovely!

HOLBY CITY Tuesday 9th Nov 8.00pm

It's ham-acting at its hammiest! I could never understand why the BBC produce so many depressing medical dramas. Why would anyone want to watch an hour of other people’s misery? Mrs De Ville loves it! This week someone dies, someone is run over and a family are re-united. Stuff the nursing angst, just get your tits out, girls. Look out for the token old codger, black doctor, vicious youth and clinically depressed nurse. Priceless hokum.

TEACHERS Tuesday 9th November 10.00pm

Yet another packet of Persil, this time following a group of twentysomething teachers grappling with professional challenges and personal dilemmas (Yawn). This week sees yobbish heartthrob Ewan thrown into turmoil when he finds out that a male pupil fancies him and uber neurotic, atheist Religious Education teacher, Ben, develops a crush on a lesbian. Unsurprisingly, fat bitch Head Teacher Claire, is suddenly very anxious to find out what lezzas get up to between the sheets. Get an extra box of Kleenex in.

BRITISH ISLES: A Nataural History Wednesday 10th Nov 9.00pm

Shitfaced Alan Titchmarsh travels Britain to discover why our islands are so diverse, beautiful and extreme. A trip to Grimsby would soon wake him up. I would love to chain the annoying little turd to a bollard at Grimsby docks and see if he still loves Britain the next day. Twat.

FAKING IT Wednesday 10th Nov 10.00pm

Cornish clog dancer Jessica Wright has 28 days to pass herself off as a professional backing dancer in order to perform at Earl's Court with R & B singer Jamelia (Great!) Limp-wristed dago choreographer Luca Tommassini and a couple of anorexic dancers help porky Jess with her training ahead of her big night.
I'm sure our American readers think we make this stuff up. Trust me, we couldn't if we tried.

QUESTION TIME Thursday 11th November 10.00pm

Poor old David Dimbleby attempts to chair a topical debate from Glasgow. With the Rt Hon Francis Maude MP; Alex Tit Salmond MP, Leader of the SNP; Rosie Kane MSP; and unknown broadcaster and so-called writer Jenni Trent Hughes. Last week was funny when that arse Richard Littlejohn called John Kerry 'George Kerry'…that’s about as good as it gets.

The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234.

RICK STEIN'S FOOD HEROES Friday 12th November 7.00pm

A gastronomic tour of Britain as Rick Stein and Chalky continue their culinary quest, funded entirely by us, the taxpayer. Rick rediscovers traditional favourites like Kentish cobnuts, medlars and quinces and enjoys murdering grey partridges in darkest Norfolk as the guest of Lord Cokehead. I actually had a divine meal in Rick’s restaurant in Padstow some years ago; I must mention that the cutlery was dirty. It’s the small things that matter isn’t it? I won’t be going back.

FRIENDS Friday 12th November 8.30pm

Doh? Err? Yes it's the 479,892nd episode of the very long running US ‘sitcom’. This week Monica and Chandler 'could I be any dumber' Bing, resort to interviewing candidates in the hope of finding a sperm donor. At least they won't be breeding any compulsively tidy offspring with an appetite for soft porn then. Unsurprisingly it's called 'The One With the Donor.' Thanks for clearing that up. Worth watching for a glimpse of the lovely Jennifer Aniston's bum in the last two minutes.

FLOG IT
Saturday 13 November 6.15pm

Revolting members of the public are invited to try to make money out of any old junk they can muster from their filthy council houses by taking a risk at auction. The sickly Paul Martin molests his dim-witted guests helped by auctioneers Kate Alcock (nice name, shame about the cellulite) and Mark Stacey. If you know where Paul Martin lives, drop me a note. I think we understand each other.

The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234.

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
Saturday 13th November 8.00pm

Ex-Disc Jockey Chris Tarrant hosts the quiz show in which smart arsed contestants can double their cash prize with each correct answer and win up to a million pounds sterling! Or, if they're a retired army major who's a bit strapped for cash, a spell in pokey at Her Majesty's pleasure (suspended). Phone a friend or just get a mate in the audience to cough now and then. Watch the tossers squirm.

BRITAIN'S WORST... Mother-in-Law Sunday 14th November 8.00pm

Ferret-faced, toffee-nosed toff, Quentin Wilson investigates whether three menopausal mums-in-law deserve their bad reputation. Do we care? Among the chilling ordeals they'll be facing are charming their yobbish young in-laws on a long car journey, going on a date with some ugly fat bastard and baring all on a lie-detector test. Docudramas really don't get any better than this.