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PANTY ARCHIVE - OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

Wot's on Telly? In our exclusive UK TV GUIDE, Alexander DeVille, tells you what's worth staying in for and what might seriously damage your health

TV GUIDE: Monday 1st November - Sunday 7th November

BRITAIN'S YOUNGEST MUMS AND DADS
MONDAY 1 November 9.00pm

Every year in Britain 100,000 teenagers get pregnant. There are now more unmarried teen mums in the UK than anywhere else in the world. Well, it's nice to excel at something. Curvaceous Charlene, 16, Lizzy, 15 and their three gormless sisters are clearly several rubbers short of a full hand-jobby. "A baby... will kinda occupy me because I'm bored in the house doing nuffink all day," chortles one of the heavily pregnant little monsters. Did no one tell her that lager and thongs don't mix? At 14 Courtney is no stranger to the giggle stick.

The proud mum of no less than three mewling sprogs, all by different neanderthal partners, cock-loving Courtney has clearly found that a bulging oven is the fast-track passport to supplementary benefit easy street. Her dim-witted mum sheepishly admits her daughter's got no life now, but when asked whether she could have prevented the pregnancies says, "I was there, but I couldn't be arsed to watch her 24/7. I mean, you can't stop your kids 'aving sex, can you?" No, but you can tell the stupid little fuck-happy tarts to use a bloody rubber. Idiot! Miss it at your peril.

THE SOPRANOS Monday 1st Nov 11.30pm

"You looking at me meathead? You wanna eat through a straw you schmutz?" This week the adorable Tony's protection of his cousin looks like having serious consequences in the season climax of this brilliantly stereotypical mob drama from NYC. I have actually met an Italian-American and he assured me he did not own a gun. He was talking out of his spaghetti arse. The Italian American Anti Defamation League don’t like it. Can you blame da mutha fakkers?

FILM 2004 Monday 1st Nov 11.35pm

Approximately one person in every hundred stammers. Jonathan Ross is one of them. But luckily the lad made it to TV (and even radio). Tonight Meryl Streep joins Wossy to discuss issues relating to herself.
Standby for an epic Hollywood ego-trip. Wunderffffful.

BAN THIS FILTH! Tuesday 2nd Nov 11.10pm

Dirty old men will love this salacious series in which concerned pensioners Barbara, Jill and Brenda address Britain's moral decline by campaigning against the proliferation of filth on the nation's screens. Hang on a minute, didn't menopausal mullah, Mary Whitehouse, do this already? Tirelessly seeking out all that is lewd, smutty and liable to moisten a thong or raise a stiffy, the crusading grannies show their findings as a warning to viewers. Their search includes lots of imported filth from Europe and the ladies thoughtfully point out when the naughtiest bits are coming up, so you can avoid watching, or heaven forbid — videoing them!

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE LIVE Tuesday 2nd Nov 7.30pm

Can Arsewank Wenger's all stars recover from the utter shame of losing the lead twice in the away fixture at Panathinaikos (that’s in Greece)? Rhythmic gymnast turned Football floosie, scrubby Gabby Logan talks to on the spot twat football pundits rambling on about nothing, shows endless repeats of goals (from 100 different angles) and talks about football. Gorgeous Gabby (36-24-37) once famously remarked: "I used to watch Cat Deeley on Saturday mornings and think, 'I really wish I could wear a pretty top like that."
Stuff the top, Gabby, just get your tits out. Bliss.

US ELECTION COVERAGE Tuesday 2nd Nov 11.50pm

So, Kerry or Bush? Both tossers, so it’s a hard choice. The one with a cock for a brain or the one with his brain in his cock who looks like Herman Munster? It's tough to choose between two wankwits. Luckily dishy David Dimbleby will be in Washington to tell us how the voting is going, so why not get in some fags and booze and make a long bloody night of it? Make mine a Gin-Fizz. If Nixon were still alive I'd vote for him. Remember the 1972 campaign Jingle? "Nixon Now! Nixon Now! For you and me! Richard Nixon, Nixon Now!" Sheer bloody genius.

FULL ON FOOD Wednesday 3rd Nov 8.00pm

Yet another Cookery series presented by chef Roxy Beaujolais, critic Richard Johnson and adventurer Stefan Gates. Roxy Beaujolais I hear you ask? Is she for real? Sadly, no. 'Roxy' was born Jenny Marguerite Hoffmann in Adelaide in 1946 and should have stayed there. Dozy tart! The trio of geriatric gastronauts search the world for great food stories and then meet up to chat, cook and stuff their faces. This week — bread making (what's wrong with Tesco's sliced white?) what's new from Japan (who cares), and a mushroom hunt in the wilds of Welwyn Garden City. Riveting. This week they are joined by Nigel Havers, who lines a baking tin with layers of cinnamon thins and cremé fraiche, topped off with chocolât noir. Tosser!

The number to complain to the BBC is 0207 566 1234.

MUSICALITY Wednesday 3rd Nov 9.00pm

Well it's more young gobshites to cheer up your evening! The fate of stage-struck wannabes lies in the hands of a panel of so-called experts in this pointless talent-spotting docusoap which charts the search for ordinary folk desperate enough to want to play a coveted role in a West End show for one night. If the producer wants some fresh ideas for a new show I can put him in touch with my masseuse, Brigitta. At least that would be a one night stand worth watching!

COUNTDOWN Thursday 4th Nov 3.15pm

Richard Whiteley wears more bastard jackets and Carol Vorderman shows of her smart arsed intellect in this mind numbing words and numbers game. Today’s Dictionary Corner guest is TV has-been Nicholas Owen. Actually, Richard's a bloody nice bloke; I had a beer with him in a pub in Leeds many years ago, pity about his dress sense though. I really must give him the name of my tailor.

A PLACE IN THE SUN Thursday 4 November 4.00pm

A public-spirited series that helps people escape the UK for good. Since Blair and his tosspot cronies destroyed our green and pleasant land, TV stations have been vying with each other to help us to find other countries to live in — this is one of those shows. Today we're helping a garrulous Frenchman and his tasty young wife escape London. Can't say I blame them, anything to get away from Red Ken and Albanian hookers who hang around King's Cross station. Our couple have ambitions to find a holiday home on the island of Sardinia. Silly buggers, Sardinia is bloody awful.

LATER WITH JOOLS HOLLAND Friday 5th Nov 11.30pm

Oh that’s a classy jazz number, listen to this classic cut…arse! I've forgotten more than Jools knows about music and that’s a bloody fact. Its about time Mr. Holland booked Francis Rossi, Thunderclap Newman and Dave Dee to do a sixties jam session live on set with wild animals wondering around TV centre pissing on the props. Now that would be cutting edge music TV.
Anyway, tonight Jools introduces a diverse mix of so-called new musical talent and established artists. Joining Jools will be Paul Weller (sigh), Razorlight (?), Mory Kante (??), Roni Size (yuk) and Beverley Knight. (puke). Best dig out that “best of the Sixties” mix CD and have a joint. Or even better, find an old cassette copy of Simon Bates ‘Golden Hour’ and funk your puff to the sounds of 10CC. I fucking loved Simon Bates. "Simon Bates…The Golden Hour…On Radio Oneee!" Nice.

JOHN PEEL TRIBUTE
SUNDAY 31 October 11:45pm

Little to say here other than John Peel was a true legend. I loved the bloke. He made Simon Bates (see above) look like a wankrag. On a serious note, God rest his soul, because he gave me many hours of pleasure on Radio 1 and Radio 4.
John, you’re a good un.

BRITNEY'S GREATEST BITS Sunday 7th Nov 1.00pm

Lolights from the glittering career of todger-teasing teen tartlet, Britney Spears — America's answer to Baby Spice, only not half as clever. The programme looks at Britney's achievements and trawls through her musical career. That shouldn't take long, then. It seems the producer agrees with me as this total waste of airtime lasts just 22 minutes. Hopefully, most of you will be stuffing your faces with Sunday lunch. I know I will. Unless she shows her tits — er, bits; in which case I may have to go and lie down with the missus.

GET A NEW LIFE Sunday 7th Nov 7.00pm

Series offering advice on how to set up a new life abroad, with help from professional relocators Jonathan Jay and Melissa Porter. Paul and Fiona Jones are dreaming of a laid-back life in Barbados, but with a small baby in tow, will they find that they are too far away from friends and family? Sod the distance; leave the bloody baby at home and just lie in the sun and get pissed. Marvellous!