Baron Crapulence
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box
Alex on the Box — The Utterpants Essential Guide to what's on Telly this week, Alexander DeVille, tells you what's worth staying in for and what might seriously damage your health
TV GUIDE: Monday 25th October - Monday 1st November
utterchoice EASTENDERS MONDAY 25 October 7.30pm
bbc1 Star rating 4
ZoeHow the hell did Minty ever get a job in the world of television? Anyway, tonight the hapless Billy is determined to move on from his gormless wife Little Mo, who suddenly disappeared from our screens without explanation earlier this year. It’s unlikely he will meet anyone, because he’s a skinny little shit who runs a fictional video shop.
Big Mo, the cockney talking wonder, meets her match in Demi and Darren. If the Miller kids pissed around with me, I would kill the little buggers with a metal stick. Sexbomb shagaholic Zoe finally hears from hardman fruitcake Dennis — but will she get the news she wants? If not, I will happily supply all she needs…and more. I wonder who will ‘cover the stall’ for Martin tonight?
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MASTERMIND MONDAY 25 October 8.00pm
bbc2 Star rating 2
mastermind The smooth talking ‘wonder gob’ John Humphreys poses the questions in the first of six semi-finals of the classically outdated anally retentive quiz.

This week's line up of Britain’s most obnoxious nerds have chosen the following crackpot subjects: British Prime Ministers of the 20th century; Life and Works of Robert Fergusson; (who the hell cares?) Fawlty Towers; and the English Civil Wars 1642-1651. Watch out for the cricket questions in the general knowledge round. Yummy, grab the remote from the ball and chain and park your bums on seats for this ‘televisual feast’ as Basil Fawlty would say.

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bbc1 Star rating 1
This week David Dickinson terrorises the people of Grimsthorpe Castle in Lincolnshire. Poor bastards, someone should have warned them. Both teams work at the castle, as gardeners, tour guides and park rangers. Each team is advised by a dodgy ‘expert’ (my arse)…yabba yabba, ‘cheap as chips’ etc. Wank.
uttercrap If you want to complain that your licence money is being wasted,
call 0207 576 1234
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itv Star rating 3

Ee Up Chuck, it’s a fictional soap set in a cardboard cut-out street and filmed behind the Granada TV studios in Manchester. Northern folk drink beer, raise pigeons and drive Ford Fiestas. Tonight, devious Dev pursues Maya. Claire's wedding plans suffer a setback and surly Sean stitches up the Underworld girls. Why don’t they bring back Eddie Yates? Just a thought.
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uttercrap WHAT NOT TO WEAR WEDNESDAY 27 October 8.00pm
bbc1 Star rating 1
Trinny and SusannaI fucking hate the BBC and this is one of the reasons why. It’s the series in which Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine set out to make utter arses of themselves on national television. The ridiculous idea is that they think Britain’s plebs can look stylish, whatever their shape, height or age.
This week, 74 bored women, each suffering a mid-life crisis, embarrass themselves when they lobby Trinny and Susannah for a total image transformation. Idiots. Faced with a shockingly dressed crowd, who will Trinny and Susannah rescue? Who cares? Two women's lives will be invaded as the taxpayer funds the clueless duo to thoroughly research their wardrobes, friends and families. Fucking Awful.
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EASTENDERS, THURSDAY 28 October 7:30pm
Star rating 4
Demi plans her biggest scam yet, but this time the joke's on her…stupid cow. The hapless goon Alfie ‘look at me’ Moon reaches breaking point with the dumpy Kat and cute arse Zoe. What happened to Kelly?
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Frank Skinner itv Star rating 1
Who decides to make this shit? Brummie titwank Frank Skinner (left) presents the show with a mind-numbingly bland mix of B-list celebrity interviews, feeble topical comedy and musical performances from unknown bands who make Teen Idol seem like a really good idea. What an arse! His guests this week are Jamelia and Franz Ferdinand…enough said.
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Star rating 3
Sue BarkerThe delightfully pert arsed Sue Barker asks the questions in this budget sports quiz. I would park her car any day. Team captains Matt Dawson and Ally McCoist attempt to be mildly amusing. The teams are made up of unknown sportsmen and women looking as uncomfortable in front of the camera as they look when they're whinging about the heat in Olympic events. Tossers!
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bbc1 Star rating 1
Come DancingCelebrities pair up with professional dancers to compete in a ballroom dancing competition. Bugger! Why couldn't they have called it 'strictly cum dancing' and given us something to wrap our laughing gear around?
uttercrapThat number to complain to the BBC is
0207 566 1234.
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THE WEST WING, SATURDAY 30 October 7.35pm
channel4 Star rating 2
It's Election Night in the West Wing and art imitates life as cuddly President Bartlet and his staff begin counting chads in Florida. Meanwhile, dishy Donna meets an intriguing Navy Commander who is keen to do a bit of deep sea diving between the sultry siren's thighs. Utter bollocks!
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utterchoice SONGS OF PRAISE, SUNDAY 31 October 5.40pm
bbc1 Star rating 4
Songs of PraiseThis lovely lachrymose show aims to evaluate your relationship with religion at large, so good books at the ready! Tonight we hear amazing stories from people whose lives have been changed forever by the Bible. They should've invited my wife to tell them about the time she was spared a damn good thrashing by tucking the good book down the back of her knickers. Plus there’s the usual selection of menopausal woman singing in a church badly in need of a Trinny and Susanna makeover and interviews with a load of old incontinent wrinklies. It’s never been the same since Harry Secombe passed on though. Be there or be damned!
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31 October 11:45pm channel5 Star rating 1
Police ChaseCrash! Bang! Wallop! Bollocks! It’s right out of Alan Partridge. Yes, white van drivers across the nation will be setting up their VCR’s to tape this buggering show. Basically it's grainy clips from police helicopters, patrol cars and hi-tech surveillance equipment. And that’s it. The show usually features an interview with an American policeman from Alabama who says 'Don't mess with the law' a lot. Idiot! At least Channel 5 is free, so no number to complain to, I'm afraid.
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TOP GEAR, MONDAY 1 November 11:30pm
Star rating 2
Top GearSome men actually masturbate over this show. I am lead to understand women masturbate over the presenter. I wish someone would because the man is complete arse! It's about cars, their speed, cost, colour, interior and number of cupholders, etc. I've heard it’s very popular in Africa, but remain unconvinced. I can’t imagine an Ethiopian driving a Mercedes 250 SEL, can you?
Words © 2004 -Alexander DeVille. Design and graphics © 2004
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Star rating 4 Unmissable

Star rating 3Worth watching

Star rating 2 Barely bloody watchable

Star rating 1A complete waste of your license fee

Previously on TV GUIDE

Er..this was our first review.

There aren't any previous reviews. Really. No really; it's no good looking because there aren't any, honestly. Sorry!


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