| 1. "What
are you thinking, darling?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Does my bum look big in this?"
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
What makes these questions so very lethal
is that almost every man gives the wrong answer, leading to
a major argument at best, or divorce and murder at worst!
For example:
1. "What are you thinking, darling?"
The correct answer to this
question, is, of course: "I'm sorry if I've been a little pre-occupied,
my angel. To tell the truth, (as if the bastard ever would!) I was just
reflecting on what a warm, caring, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, sexy
and stunningly beautiful woman you are and what a jolly fortunate chap
I am to have you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance
whatsoever to what the tosser was really thinking about at the time,
which was most likely one of the following:
a. Football
b. sex (but not with you).
c. How big your arse looks in that dress.
d. how much prettier the woman next door is than you.
2. "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this
question is, "Yes." For those who want to make sure the good
woman gets the message it's best to be a little more effusive by replying:
"Yes, my angel. You know I think the world of you." Wrong
answers include:
a. "Mmm?"
b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
c. "That depends on what you mean by 'love."
(Prepare to die...)
d. "Does it matter, darling? It's only a word
after all." (This one will probably result in you sustaining serious
injuries to the fleshier parts of your anatomy).
3. "Does my bum look big in this?"
This is probably the most difficult
question of all. Whilst the correct answer is undoubtedly to confidently
and quickly affirm: "No, of course not! You look simply stunning,
my angel!" and then beat a hasty retreat, many men make the mistake
of hesitating before answering. This is invariably fatal as a woman
will pounce on the slightest delay and subject you to a full hour's
rigorous interrogation during which she will try on twenty different
dresses in the hope of catching you out. Inevitably you will break under
the pressure and make the mistake of admitting "you look good in
anything, darling." After that, you're lost. Wrong answers include:
a. "I wouldn't say
so, but perhaps the blue one would suit you better..." (Oh shit...!)
b. "Compared to what?" (Almost as bad an
answer as [a])
c. "I like a little meat on my women." (Prepare
to have you bunny well and truly boiled)
d. "I've seen bigger ones." (this is the
clever answer. Or so men think. If you use it, you're dead meat.)
4. "Do you think she's prettier than
me?"
The 'she' in question could
be an ex-girlfriend, a cute-arsed teenager you were staring at so hard
that you almost drove under a bus, a page three slapper or the girl
next door. In every case, the correct answer always is, "What -
that fat ugly old slapper? No, you're much prettier, darling."
Wrong answers include:
a. "Not prettier,
just pretty in a different way.." (You might get away with this
with some women).
b. "Beauty's in the eye of the beholder, don't
you think?" (Nope. Not when she's asking, it isn't, chummy. You're
dead meat!)
c. "Yes, but you have a much better personality."
(Oh shit...)
d. "Only because she's a bit younger and thinner
than you." (Prepare to die...slowly and painfully). |
Men:
don't answer her!
