Cancer researchers in Melbourne, Australia have good news for all you jism jockeys: regular wanking may reduce your risk of developing prostate cancer.

The dick doctors from down under claim that cancer-causing chemicals can rapidly build up in the prostate gland if men do not bash the bishop regularly. They found that those who crack one off the wrist most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop prostrate cancer. Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. But what's good news for wankers is bad news for Sheilas who look forward to eight inches of prime Australian beef on a Saturday night. The researchers, who questioned over 1,000 men about their sexual habits, quickly discovered that shagging the girlfriend is not as effective as a good wank. The reason is simple: not all girls are as squeaky clean as they make out, something we could have told them if they'd bothered to ask us.

The donger-stroking Aussies who carried out the new study maintain that previous researchers who found a high number of sexual partners or a high level of sexual activity increased a man's risk of developing prostate cancer by up to 40%, shot their bolt because they focussed on shagging, with its associated risk of sexually transmitted diseases. As one of the team put it to Utterpants: "Had we been able to exclude ejaculations associated with sexual intercourse, there would have been an even stronger protective effect for ejaculations from masturbation."
"Come again?" we asked.
"Unless your partner is squeaky clean it's best to stick to wanking, mate."

Their pussy-shrivelling research suggests that ejaculating may prevent carcinogens accumulating in the prostate gland. The prostate provides a fluid into semen during ejaculation that activates sperm and prevents them sticking together. The fluid has high concentrations of substances including potassium, zinc, fructose and citric acid, which are drawn from the bloodstream. Mmm, yummy! But animal studies have shown carcinogens such as 3-methylchloranthrene—found in cigarette smoke, are also concentrated in the prostate.

The leader of the study, Dr Giles, said fewer ejaculations may mean the carcinogens build up. "It's what we call a prostatic stagnation hypothesis. The more you flush the seminal ducts out, the less fluid remains to potentially damage the cells that line them."
"Run that by us again?" we asked.
"Regularly siphoning the python helps prevent prostrate cancer."

There you have it, boys. So the next time your girlfriend gives you hard time for wanking over porn rather than giving her a damn good seeing-to, just tell her you're only doing your bit to reduce the scourge of prostrate cancer.

This story is utterpants, right? Nope, you can read the full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3072021.stm