|Men - does size matter?|
|Does the size of your knob really matter? This is the age-old question that has haunted men, adolescent boys, shemales and a few jealous girls who should know better for centuries. What’s even more frustrating is that there has been no definitive answer until now..|
Marit Sigmundsdottir, the renowned international trisexual
therapist, takes up the story:
OK, so the Doctor told you five inches is quite normal. He was lying. Maybe your best mate said six inches was more than any girl can handle? He was lying, too. Well he would, wouldn't he? His laughable little trouser snake is probably even smaller than yours. Or, perhaps you're slipping the pork to one of those liberated, politically-correct girls who insists that the right size depends on preference and compatibility? You know, the ones who claim that being attentive to their sexual and emotional needs is far more important than being hung like a horse with elephantitus of the todger? And you believed her? You boys are so gullible. Prepare yourself for a BIG shock. The bitch is lying to you as well!
I am am going to put you straight. Utterpants has conducted an exhausting (and I do mean 'exhausting' and not 'exhaustive') hands-on survey to settle this question once and for all. Here are the shocking results:
Amy, 32, said, “I should at least be able to feel some kind of penetration. Either the ruler he's using has shrunk even more than his dick or he was too busy playing with himself when he should have been learning how many inches there are in a foot. If he's eight inches then my Nissan Micra is a bloody BMW!
Carol, 27, reported how good it felt having sex with a man who complained he was too small. As she said to Ms Givings: “Even though ten inches didn't make him the largest partner I'd ever had, we still had great sex.
Sophie, 17, told us about 'Jim' (not his real name): "He won't have sex with me because he's afraid he won't be able to satisfy me. He says he remembers showering at school and wondering if his mates were really well hung or he had a lunchbox the size of ferret's wedding tackle. He always felt smaller than most guys. Last week I caught him with one of those vacuum pumps and made him measure it after he'd finished blowing himself up. It was still only eight inches! In the end I took pity on him and we did it doggy fashion while my Mum went out to buy some viagra."
Marjorie, 43, sobbed: "When we were first married, my husband's thingy was just sufficient to generate a pleasing amount of friction inside my furry front bottom. However, every time I had a child, it shrank! Finally, after the triplets, his willy had all but disappeared. Nobody told me about that. It's so unfair I haven't had an orgasm in thirteen years."
Kevin, 32, told a similar, depressing tale: “Lesley (not her real name) was the first chick I ever had full sex with and we lost our virginities together. We had sex a lot and I thought everything was fine until we broke up and I moved onto my second sexual partner, Britney (not her real name either). The first time we had sex she said she couldn't feel anything and asked me if I was even inside. I was burning with embarrassment and I haven’t had a single shag since." We asked 'Britney' to measure 'Kevin's' disappointingly inadequate appendage and she recorded a pathetic 6½ inches. What can we say?
Marianne, 36, told us: "I recently started going out with a new boyfriend but felt pain each time when we tried to have intercourse. As a result, we always stopped immediately. What's wrong with me? We got 'Marianne' to do the business on the 'gentleman's' todger with our sophisticated measuring equipment and recorded 12¼ inches. Yes, that's right boys; twelve and a quarter inches! We advised 'Marianne' to stick to guys her own size in future and suggested to the boyfriend that his present job in Telesales may not be stretching his talents to the full.
Selena, 36, said: "We have been married for twelve years and I never knew the truth until you contacted me and we started to compare notes with a few friends. I'd always thought six inches was pretty normal until I measured my husband's penis! Now I know the truth I will never say ten inches is too big again!"
Lorenzo, 26, confessed: "I have not had sex in six months because my member is so large that I split my last girlfriend in half with it. Of course, all of my friends have equally large penises, which is why they have not had sex in years, either."
So there you have it, boys! Six inches is NOT normal. EIGHT is the bare minimum required to satisfy the modern, sexually liberated female, TEN is essential to stand any chance of provoking an orgasm and you will need a good FOOT of spam javelin to prove a real hit with the ladies. So my advice is that you get straight on the penis-enlarging pumps, potions and pills. Today's email inboxes are simply jam packed full of exciting offers absolutely guaranteed to turn you overnight from a cocktail sausage into a rutting love stallion. Go to it lads!
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