Ms Givings Very Personal Problem Pages
Ms Givings Personal Problem Pages
Some problems visitors have sent to us are of a very intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean


NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?

'Page' (22), from Brisbane, Australia, asks:
My boy friend would like to have phone sex because we live so far away from each other but I don't know what to say. Can you give me ten things I can say?

Just one: "Go and fuck yourself!"

'Tracy' (14), from Bridgend, in Wales, asks:
Gareth has been liking me for, like ages! But it wasn't till a few weeks ago that I realised I couldn't lose him and had feelings for him too. I told him I like him, thinking it would change things for us - cos he favours Stace and Rob over me even tho we are all kinda friends me and Stace broke up again, but me and Gareth were still talking. He takes me out and we end up holding hands — so I don’t really know where I stand wiv him he knows I really like him though I decided to be the bigger person and asked Stace if she wanted to be friends again. She agreed so I thought we were fine again but Gareth wanted a break he needs to sort things out and said that we should just be friends for a bit... we haven’t spoken in the past week, but today I bumped into the three of them, and Rob shouted 'loner' to me Stacey said "shhh" and Gareth didn't even say anything. What am I supposed to think? I'm so upset and hurt. They are supposed to be my mates.

You're not related to Keli McTaggart are you? I'd recommend swopping the Burberry cap and hooded tracksuit for a pair of frayed cut-offs and a skimpy crop top. It may not get Gareth into your knickers but at least you'll stand a better chance of being picked up by someone who may.

'Wendy' (21), from Pond Hill, in the USA, asks:
My vagina is quite big and loose. I cannot feel most men and it is embarrassing for me. Men are one size and we are not, it is not their fault, but yet I treat men like garbage for being normal when I have a big vagina.

It seems that your arrogance is matched only by your abysmal ignorance, Wendy. Not only are men not all 'one size', but there is no such thing as a 'big vagina', though there are such things as big cunts and you are clearly on your way to being one. Either find a man who can fill your love tunnel or start buying larger vegetables.

'Jamie' (15), from New York, in the USA, asks:
I broke up with my boyfriend but we act like we go out . He still touches me but I see him flirting with other girls and that's the reason I broke up with him!! He told me he loves me and tries to get on my good side but I don't know what to do. Sometimes we're all getting along but then we are being mean and like always saying sorry. And I am a flirt a good one too. So I get any boy I want so why can't I let him go?

Because you're a clueless, selfish little tart with too high an opinion of yourself. I suggest you stick to playing with Ken and Barbie as you are clearly too immature to have a relationship with anything but plastic toys.

'Patricia' (14), from Worcester, in the USA, asks:
My best friend has a boyfriend who flirts with me he rubs my legs and gets personal. What should I do?

Try playing with his willy. If that doesn't get him rubbing the right bits you may need to take drastic action by dropping your panties and showing him where to park his loathsome weenie.

'Samantha', from New York, in the USA, asks:
I am twenty and my boyfriend is twenty-five and he has been trying for almost a year to have a baby and he is unable to. He already has two kids and I do want us to become pregnant but I feel like I am pressuring him. What can I do?

I think you may have nodded off during the more important parts of your sex education classes, Samantha. Unless your boyfriend is an alien, the chances of him getting pregnant are exceedingly slim. I'm sorry to disillusion you but the two kids he already has are almost certainly not his. Unless you want him to undergo expensive and risky surgery I suggest you settle for him impregnating you.

'Richard' (15), from Sunderland, in the UK asks:
I want a girl I know. I think she likes me but I aint got the bottle to ask her out.

I'm afraid you're buggered, Dick. Unless you can offer her a bottle of cider or packet of fags your chances of scoring are virtually nil.

'Nancy' (14), from Beverly, in the USA, asks:
I love to watch my sister getting spanked. She's seven years older and when mom spanks her over her knee on her shorts her fanny clenches and those tight shorts pull in her crack and I get really excited. Then mom pulls her panties down and she gets spanked eventually on her bare fanny and I watch from the crack in the doorway and masturbate with my hands down the front of my jeans as I watch and listen to her cry out and moan. After she's been spanked and goes to sleep I steal her shorts and the panties she wore and lay on my bed and masturbate as I sniff the seam and crotch of her green faded shorts. I put her panties over my face and sniff with my eyes closed thinking about spanking her bare arse over my knee and sniffing her wet crotch. Sometimes I lay over the seat of a chair in my room and listen as she gets spanked and rub myself on the edge of the chair to the tempo of the paddle hitting the seat of my sister's shorts. Do I need help?

Yes. Unless you are really a fifty-seven-year-old 300 pound meat packer from Idaho, in which case this behaviour is perfectly normal.

'Shyone' (17), from Bristol, in the UK, asks:
As embarrassed as I am to say it I have zits on my bum! I wash everyday using a loofah and I even apply tea tree oil. I've tried a lot of things, I really want to get rid of them. I've been in a relationship for three months and have not let my boyfriend see my bum. My confidence is low because of this! I won't go swimming or wear a bikini or anything that involves showing my body I would love to feel confidant within myself please please please help!

Washing is not going to get rid of your zits so long as you keep stuffing your face with burgers, chocolate and microwaveable pizzas. There's no guarantee that cutting out the crap you eat will make you look any less ugly, but at least you'll be able to flash your bum like any normal Bristol chavette without having the boys vomiting all over it.

'Anna' (28), from Blyth, in the UK, asks:
I just discovered a few days ago that my boyfriend was almost unfaithful. He had been chatting to another woman online and had made plans to go and spend a weekend with her he also sent her a picture of his erect penis on his phone which is how I found out about it. I have told him we can give our relationship another try but I have been checking his emails without him knowing and chatting to this girl pretending to be him. I am really hurting and don't understand how he could do this to me because we were talking about marriage and children I really love this man but I don't know if I can ever trust him again and I don't know what to do.

Let me get this straight, Anna. Your loving boyfriend is flashing his hideous knob at another woman, having what sounds like a steamy affair with her and you're not sure if you can trust him to be the father of your babies? To cap it all, you've started impersonating him, presumably in the hope of discovering what she has that you apparently don't. I can answer that — a brain. I suggest you dump him and stick to having relationships with men on your own intellectual level.

'Khadija' (24) from Brooklyn, in the USA, asks:
After I wash my pussy I do feel clean. The problem is that my boyfriend and I want to take our relationship to the next level and I don't feel that my pussy is ready. Sometimes I notice that I have a sticky, almost cum, on my pubic hairs and I want to know if this normal and how I can get rid of it.

I haven't the slightest idea what the 'next level' might be and really don't want to know, but I can tell you that a sticky pussy isn't normal. Perhaps if you stopped wanking so much it might have a chance to dry out?


Very Personal problems
Our Caring team are here to help you
Very Personal problems
Men - can't get it up?
Men - do you have trouble getting it up?
Men: don't answer her! Men: don't answer her!
Ms Givings reveals some dangerous questions..
Men - it can be done!Increase the size of your TINY organ with our revolutionary new product!
Good News for Wankers! At last - good News for Wankers everwhere!
Why six inches may not stand up to your girlfriend's expectations
Men - does size really matter?
We have the answers
How clean should your best friend be?
Girls - should you wash your Pussy?
Girls - are you masturbating with electric toys? Girls - are you masturbating with electric toys?
Very Personal problems
cannot find porn
Very Personal problems
The Evils of Coffee
Very Personal problems
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web