'Kate' (15), from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
Well i was so close 2 going out wiv this boy but he said he said mayb coz i got my m8s 2 ask him but he said no 2 them but he came up 2 me and he said if i asked him he wud say yeh this was over the phone so i went 2 him the next day 2 find i was 2 l8 2 ask him this happened sumer 2004 i still like him is there any point in waiting 4 him 2 finish with his other gf i really like him.

No point at all, Kate. Let me try to translate the incomprehensible gibberish that passes for communication among you and your 'm8s' into passable English:
'I failed miserably to date this boy, because, like the dim-witted, gutless chav I am I got my friends to ask him out on my behalf and he refused. Later, he telephoned me to say that if I got up the bottle to ask him out myself he might consider my request. So I approached him the next day but he said I was too late. This happened nearly two years ago when I was 13. In the interim he has found a girlfriend and I have become even dimmer. Is there any point in waiting for him to ask me out on the off chance that he might dump his girlfriend for me?'

No, none. Frankly, your only chance of scoring is to put on your prettiest belly-button ring, squeeze into a risible pelmet that barely covers your arse and hang around the bike sheds. If you're lucky the boy may just ask you out. If you're really lucky, a gang of your fellow chavs may rip your thong off you, spread your thighs as wide as the vacuum between your ears, and shag some sense into you before it's too late.

'Jojo' (14), from London, asks:
No matter how good things are going I just can't be happy. It feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Every day is the same old day; get up, go to school, go home, do homework, then sleep and then again for the next three years of my childhood. I have nothing to look forward to. Please help!

Look on the bright side; you could be a 14-year-old Chav living on a sink estate who crawls out of the foetid pit she's sharing with the fathers of her three kids, feeds her latest 'littlun', collects her giro, goes home, downs a bottle of vodka, gets shagged by the landlord in lieu of rent and falls into unconsciousness. At least you have your homework to look forward to. On the other hand, you could put aside your self-pitying whining, turn your back on your self-obsessed existence, and bugger off to darkest Africa to help people with real problems. Such as where to find the next meal and how to escape the marauding gangs who want to rape your two-year-old child. Your choice, Jojo.

'Lisa' (45), from Chatham, in Canada, asks:
This guy I like, acts like he likes me one day, then doesn't the next. He will be distant to me around his girlfriend and nice to me when she is not around. Then he will act distant to me and she is not even there! It seems like it depends on what mood he is in. I am so sick of this guessing game. He knows I care about him and he shows he is interested in me. His body language, etc. I just don't know what the heck he is trying to tell me or whether he really is interested in me OR NOT!! I am so confused. Him and his girlfriend have an open relationship where each one can do whatever they please.

Are you sure you're 45, Lisa? Frankly, I've known 14-year-old chavs with more sense than you appear to possess. Have you tried unzipping his pants, whipping out his willy and wrapping your lips around it? No, silly question. That would require imagination and initiative; qualities you clearly don't possess.

'Steve', from Preston, in the UK, asks:
Until recently I had an ordinary sex life. I now find I like to wank myself with my wife's dirty pee stained white knickers on my head. Is this normal?

It is if she's in them. If not, you may find that playing with your wife rather than yourself will improve your dismal sex life.

'Charlotte' (15), from Eastleigh, in Ireland, asks:
OK, I'm lesbian and about a month ago my pussy started seriously irritating me, itching, and being quite sore, and now its caught onto my gf. I want to tell some one but I'm too scared. I just wanna know if u cud take a guess at wat might be going on? (please dont be nasty).

The only nasty thing here is your girlfriend's dirty mouth, Charlotte. You might try swopping her germ-infested fingers for a squeaky clean willy. Sperm is sterile you know, unlike your girlfriend's filthy tongue.

'Jimmy' from Slough, in the UK, asks:
My girl friend won't let me lick her jazzy jeff. I like licking the furry muff but my little bit on the side won't let me taste her doner kebab. I've been with her for three years and never had a close encounter with her fanny. Please help, I'm worried in case there's something she doesn't want me to see.

That would be the enormous load the bloke she's been seeing behind your back regularly dumps in her love tunnel, Jimmy. Unless you enjoy swallowing other men's cum I suggest you stick to grooming your girlfriend's pitch with your tongue.

'Rachel' (37), from Cork, in Ireland, asks:
My boyfriend of eight months is divorced and has two boys but I have not been able to tell many friends, or even my parents, as I don't know how they will react. I want him to help me tell my parents as he is wanting to let people know about his kids but I am afraid of their reaction. They love him to bits and so do I, but as I still live with them I don't know what they will think of him now or my choice of partner? Please advise me.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Rachel—tell them. Not only will the parents of a good Catholic girl be relieved that their daughter is still a virgin at 37, but delighted that she's managed to present them with two grandchildren without committing a mortal sin. You're eggs aren't getting any younger, you know.

'Zebra' (22), from Brooklyn, NY, in the USA, asks:
My problem is that I can't have an orgasm from intercourse. This is probably way more common than people think? So I figured it was because the boys I fucked in the past were probably all just a bunch of selfish pricks, right? But I've been with three new people since and still nothing (besides getting some good hand jobs). Should I just wait until some compatible fuck-mate comes along, or is it actually possible to not be physically able to have an orgasm from intercourse?? Is it just the Clit??! Oh and I've been with many a varied dick size too. Big and medium.

Let's not beat about the bush, darling. You're a slut. After that many partners your pussy is obviously as loose as your morals. Short of having a nip and tuck or using the back door, I'm afraid you're just going to have to buy larger vegetables.

'Abigail' from Vancouver, in Canada, asks:
I love to masturbate...that's why I am planning to get my first vibrator. I just want to know if vibrators make you pregnant. Do they have sperm to get to your eggs. I just want to know what's in a vibrator? I just want to make sure it's safe to touch my vagina. Will I get this weird color discharge in my vagina and feel uncomfortable inside afterwards? I really don't want to get pregnant yet and I dont want it to affect my health. I love my body so much! Because I am very sexy that's why I want to save myself for a lucky man.

Of course you can get pregnant from a vibrator, you silly little girl. Why do you think they're so popular with lesbians? I'd stick to electric toothbrushes, if I were you. They may not feel the same as having a gush of hot jism surge towards your eggs from the throbbing, purple head of an enormous vibrator, but at least your tummy won't swell up afterwards. You can save that treat for the lucky man who finally gets to land such a great catch as you.

Lucy' (27), from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
I just don't know where I stand with my best friend. When we have a drink she's really lovey dubby and keeps kissing me and saying I love u and don't ever hurt me. There's something about her I can't put my finger on please wat can I do?

Do you mean 'can't put your finger on' or 'won't put your finger on,' Lucy? Look, she's a lezza, you dozy slapper. Either let her into your knickers or tell her you don't play for the home team.

'Sandra.' from Leicester, in the UK, asks:
I've known this bus driver for about 5 years and my husband knows him but what my husband doesn't know is that I am having an affair with this man. We had sex only once but it was really good. I love my husband very much I have been with him for 10 years and married for 4 years. I need your help what should I do about this driver?

Perhaps the best solution would be to divorce your hubby and marry the bus driver and have an affair with your ex on the side. No, hang on, that would be the same as the situation you're in now. Oh, bugger it, just carry on as you are; the 52% of married women who cheat on their husbands can't all be wrong, can they?

'Amie' from Sydney, Australia, asks:
I have been really concerned lately. My boyfriend has been going to bed early and I have walked in the room and caught him jacking off. When I walk in he stops, I get into bed and he turns away from me. If I walk out of the room and then go back in I catch him doing it again and then he quickly stops. Should I be concerned that he would rather play with himself than with me? I think sometimes that he could be thinking of someone else while he is doing this and I worry that he doesn't find me attractive. Is this normal for a guy who is in a relationship? I mean he gets himself so worked up that he does not want to finish the job with me? What could be the problem?

The naïvity of you young girls never ceases to amaze me. The problem isn't that he doesn't want you to finish the job, it's his way of telling you that you should have started it in the first place. Is he thinking of someone else when he's pounding away at his little sausage? Is the Pope Catholic? He's thinking of the hot little teenage porn starlet whose movies he has filed away under 'boring work stuff' on his pee-cee. Look, darling; let me tell you something about men your mother clearly didn't. They're all selfish little shits who don't care where they put their hideous willies, so long as it's inside the mouth of a filthy slut who never says no. The only way you're going to stop him wanking over that teenage porn is to suck his little weenie until it bleeds. In short, he's not getting enough.

'Miriam' from Nashville, Tennessee, in the USA, asks:
When it's time to get an orgasm I don't know how to let it go. I always think I'm going to pee on him please tell me how to get an orgasm and why doesn't my pussy stay wet do I push down when I have that orgasm feeling?

Someone once remarked that sex is too good for some people. They were clearly thinking of you. For goodness sake, girl, get a bloody grip! Or rather, let rip. If you still can't come I suggest you lose the prick and find someone who enjoys having you pee on them. That shouldn't be too hard in Tennessee.

'Emma' from Nottingham, in the UK, asks:
I am 25 and there is this guy who is 34 who works at the college I go to. I fancy him like mad. I went away to Newcastle on a college trip with him. I think he might fancy me but he told me he had never had a girlfriend before. I really fancy this guy what should I do?

He's gay, Emma. Move on.

'Gareth' from Cardiff, in Wales, asks:
I have a rather weird problem. I cannot bath, I have a fear of water and ain't washed my hair, body or anything for 15 years. No one likes me but I don't know why, please help me no girl likes me they look at me and run away. The only person who talks to me is my next door neighbour who is 90 and wants her way with me. She's blind and has a false leg so there's no chance of her getting her leg over me. Please help.

Are you completely clueless? If she's 90 the chances are she's never given anyone a blow job. As she's unlikely to have any teeth either, forget the leg and just sit on her face. If you're lucky she'll have given you a massive orgasm before she realises you're not meals on wheels.

'Jeneen' from Liverpool, in the UK, asks:
I met my boyfriend on an Internet website over a year ago and we're now in a serious relationship. I trust him as much as I could trust any man even though he works away. The problem is he still accesses the websites which he met me on, posts new pictures of himself and chats with females. When I try to find out who he talks to and what about, simply out of interest in his life, he clams up, hides the information and won't say anything else. He says he just talks but I say it's looking for trouble. What would you say?

I'd say you were as dim as he's devious, Jeneen. Haven't you heard about Don Gittes, the Internet dating 'Love God' who racked up no less than 1,023 dates in under two years and ended up in bed with 920 of them? Dump the tosser and find yourself a real bloke in Tesco's like any other normal woman.

'Cherelle', from Coventry, in the UK, asks:
Hi, My boyfriend has a little problem. We have been together for 5 months, he is 19 and I am 17. The problem is that he cannot keep his penis erect after he has penetrated. If we start off with foreplay he will cum in 5 minutes. And if we were to start having sex before he has cum in foreplay he will cum in around 2 minutes. This problem I am not worried about. The problem we are worried about is that after he has cum and he gets it back up, he will loose his erection not long after. It is really upsetting him and I was curious if you had any advice on preventing this problem, as it also is putting him off sex.

5 minutes and 2 minutes, eh? My goodness, you have struck sexual gold, haven't you? And you're not worried about it? Bloody hell, if any bloke I shagged came in two minutes he'd be out of the door so fast he wouldn't have time to put his socks back on. Look, sweetie, my husband is 56 and keeps it up for hours at a time with nothing stronger than a glass of chilled Chablis to sustain him. My advice is to lose the teenage prick and find yourself a mature man who knows how to take the time to please a woman. Just hang around your local bus shelter in a microskirt and skimpy top; one's bound to turn up.

'Peter' from London, asks:
As a bored security officer in large office building City of London I was caught on camera 'pleasuring' myself in the early hours looking at a certain magazine. Stupid, I know, but I thought that particular camera was not working. The result is I am being blackmailed by younger guards who now have the tape. I could lose my job if the video is shown to my boss. I need the job so now have to comply with their wishes which includes cleaning their cars and volunteering to do outside security patrols which nobody wants to do. So what do I do? Call their bluff or come clean with the boss? Is it really that bad what I did? What do you think? It's a joke for anybody else but of course humiliating for me being married and all that and I dont want it to get to my wife.

Oh dear, we have landed ourselves in nasty pickle, haven't we? I'm afraid the solution lies in your own hands, Peter, or rather the hands of the Hungarian hooker I suggest you pick up outside Euston Station and video while she's got her laughing gear wrapped around your mate's empurpled knobs. If you tell them she's your kid sister and only wants a packet of Lamberts they should jump at the chance. They'll be cleaning the toilets with their tongues in no time. The twenty quid the Hungarian hooker will cost you is a small price to pay for your indescretion, don't you think?

'Joyce' from Gateshead, in the UK, asks:
My problem is I go out with my boyfriend every weekend but he will not sleep with me or even stay the night. When I ask why he just shies off and will not say why. I love him and it hurts. He says he like me a lot. He also watches adult TV a lot. What can I do?

I take it 'adult TV' is a Geordie euphemism for what we call 'unmitigated filth' down here, Joyce? Unless you plan to realise the dirty old perve's fantasies, I'm afraid you're well fucked; or not fucked in this case. I suggest you dump the twat and find nice, decent estate agent who is content with mounting you once a month for five minutes with the lights off and the curtains drawn.

Tina (14), from Bromborough, in the UK, asks:
I think im a lesbian i fancy my techa miss langford and i find most of my mates gurjus i dnt know wot to do also i stare at my mumz boobz wen she is getting dressed but she don't know. Wot shud i do?

Put on your poshest hoodie and sexiest thong and hang around the back of your local Macky D's, Tina. Once you've wrapped your thighs around eight inches of throbbing man meat and copped a littlun you'll forget all about girls.

'Alicia' (13), from Adelaide, in Australia, asks:
Why do I have pubic hair on my vagina when none of my friends do and I'm the youngest out of all and I also started my period about 2 weeks ago?

The answer is obvious, darling. Your mum was a lot closer to that pet 'roo than she let on to you.

'Shyran' from Letchworth, in the UK, asks:
No matter how I shave my legs they never go smooth. I've tried all sorts but nothing seems to work. You can even see the hair after I've shaved my legs and they look stubbly as I'm pale skinned and my hair is dark. I'm sick of my legs looking so horrible. My legs also go really dry after shaving but I can't use creams or lotions as everything seems to make them sore or sting for hours if I do. Can you help?

Have you considered a career in the circus?

'Jess' from London, asks
I'm 13 and I think I'm a lesbian. I fancy Sharon Osbourne and have no feelings at all for boys. I really fancy Sharon and find her beautiful and I worry what my friends and boys at school will say about me, coz if you are gay at my school you get slated and beaten up and bullied. I can't talk to my mum, as this is too embarrassing. What do you think?

I think you're a very stupid little chav, Jess. But the good news is you're not a lesbian. No lesbian in her right mind would fancy Sharon Osbourne. Except her mum, of course, but she's family.

'Arnold' from London, asks:
I met a girl where I have just felt this chemistry between us. She and I always got along and one time she wanted to sleep with me but I had another girlfriend so it didn't happen. I wasn't going to do that to my girlfriend. One day she said to me that she just wished I got married so she wasn't in a position to be near to me and not have me. Well when I told her some months later I was getting married all she said was 'wow...wow...wow,' totally dismayed. I want to just pick up the phone and call her because I do miss her and I want to hear her voice. I know I need to let her go. Give me your advice on the matter.

Let me get this right, Arnie; you're about to get married to one girl and another girl, who you admit you fancy, wants to shag you. Do you think you might be missing something here? If you can't think of the solution I suggest you dump the girlfriend and skip the wedding because you're clearly not man enough to make either woman happy.

'James' from New York, in the USA, asks:
After much planning, emailing and phoning, I was finally alone in a Hotel room with my illicit honey (We're both married to others). Unfortunately, she froze up a little bit. Then, I had what could be called equipment failure. We did take a shower together, during which time I got a little overexcited and launched a missile way too early. I was unable to get it up at all the rest of the night and next day. However, I was able to give her 16 orgasms through other means.

Not to mention that I've never had this problem before in all my years of sexual activity. (approx. 30 years.) So, the question is, what do you think caused this problem, and do I have a reason to be concerned. FWIW, I've been able to successfully have sex with my wife since that time.

To misquote the immortal bard; 'methinks this wanker doth protest too much.' Sixteen orgasms? Who was counting; you or the cheap hooker—sorry, 'illicit honey?' Never had the problem before, eh? Successful sex with the wife? Does that mean you bought new batteries for her rabbit? Give me a break, James. You picked up a drunken slut in some cheap New York clip joint on the spur of the moment and she took you to a seedy hotel run by her Russian drug-dealing pimp. When you realised you'd come out without any Viagra you panicked and prematurely ejaculated all over the tart's posh frock. Naturally, she insisted you pay for the sex you didn't have and her dry-cleaning bill. When you refused, she called her pimp and he beat you up until you handed over your wallet and charge cards (which she still hasn't returned). No wonder you're 'concerned.' Hell, I'd be hopping mad. But then I don't suffer from premature ejaculation, though I do have a willy even smaller than yours, or so my husband tells me. Let this be a lesson to you not to play away from home.

'Lila' from Alberta, in Canada, asks:
My brother and I are really close. I'm 16, and he's 18. We tell each other everything. Anyhoo, the other day I came home and found him jacking off in my bedroom with a pair of my thong panties. I ran away and pretended I didn't see, but the thought of my brother doing that makes me soooo wet and horny! And God, he was big too! At least 9 inches! Would it be wrong to try and seduce him?

Only if your 14-year-old sister finds out. If she doesn't mind you watching while she's blowing him, the three of you might consider asking your parents to join in. Then you could all move down to Tennessee where I understand incest is a popular game for all the family.

'Alan' from Norwich, in the UK, asks:
I have been crossdressing for five years now. I got married last year hoping to lose the feeling for crossdressing but it hasn't gone away, it has got stronger and I would like to dress as much as I can but my wife don't know about my dressing. Can you give me some advice about how to tell her? Also could you give me some advice about having a sex change I have had this feeling from a very young age.

Look, let's not mince words, 'Alan.' You're clearly in a majority in parliament at the moment. Frankly, anyone who isn't crossdressing is seriously out of touch with modern political sexual mores. Just tell the Speaker and the whips will do the rest. I'm sure you wife will understand. Tony's been crossdressing for years and Cherie clearly doesn't mind. I'd postpone the sex change until after the next election though. You don't want to queer your pitch with the punters before you've got your bum back on the bench, do you?

'Keith' from Brisbane, in Australia, asks:
Who publishes 'Spanking for Pleasure' please? I cannot find it, no matter how much I Google.

I think you may have the wrong website, Keith. However important 'spanking for pleasure' may be to you, finding pornographic literature is rather out of our purview. I suggest you try 'bottomsRus.com.'

'Annie' from Camano Island, in the USA, asks:
I want to spank my man, but I don't think he is interested! Should i rape his ass???

Only if bestiality is allowed in your part of the world, darling. Otherwise you might find it's your bottom which gets a jolly good spanking from the long arm of the law.