Some problems readers have sent to us are of an intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean
NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?
New Problems added 20th April 2006
'Kate' (15), from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
No point at all, Kate. Let me try to translate the incomprehensible gibberish that passes for communication among you and your 'm8s' into passable English:
No, none. Frankly, your only chance of scoring is to put on your prettiest belly-button ring, squeeze into a risible pelmet that barely covers your arse and hang around the bike sheds. If you're lucky the boy may just ask you out. If you're really lucky, a gang of your fellow chavs may rip your thong off you, spread your thighs as wide as the vacuum between your ears, and shag some sense into you before it's too late.
'Jojo' (14), from London, asks:
Look on the bright side; you could be a 14-year-old Chav living on a sink estate who crawls out of the foetid pit she's sharing with the fathers of her three kids, feeds her latest 'littlun', collects her giro, goes home, downs a bottle of vodka, gets shagged by the landlord in lieu of rent and falls into unconsciousness. At least you have your homework to look forward to. On the other hand, you could put aside your self-pitying whining, turn your back on your self-obsessed existence, and bugger off to darkest Africa to help people with real problems. Such as where to find the next meal and how to escape the marauding gangs who want to rape your two-year-old child. Your choice, Jojo.
'Lisa' (45), from Chatham, in Canada, asks:
Are you sure you're 45, Lisa? Frankly, I've known 14-year-old chavs with more sense than you appear to possess. Have you tried unzipping his pants, whipping out his willy and wrapping your lips around it? No, silly question. That would require imagination and initiative; qualities you clearly don't possess.
It is if she's in them. If not, you may find that playing with your wife rather than yourself will improve your dismal sex life.
'Charlotte' (15), from Eastleigh, in Ireland, asks:
The only nasty thing here is your girlfriend's dirty mouth, Charlotte. You might try swopping her germ-infested fingers for a squeaky clean willy. Sperm is sterile you know, unlike your girlfriend's filthy tongue.
'Jimmy' from Slough, in the UK, asks:
That would be the enormous load the bloke she's been seeing behind your back regularly dumps in her love tunnel, Jimmy. Unless you enjoy swallowing other men's cum I suggest you stick to grooming your girlfriend's pitch with your tongue.
'Rachel' (37), from Cork, in Ireland, asks:
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Rachel—tell them. Not only will the parents of a good Catholic girl be relieved that their daughter is still a virgin at 37, but delighted that she's managed to present them with two grandchildren without committing a mortal sin. You're eggs aren't getting any younger, you know.
'Zebra' (22), from Brooklyn, NY, in the USA, asks:
Let's not beat about the bush, darling. You're a slut. After that many partners your pussy is obviously as loose as your morals. Short of having a nip and tuck or using the back door, I'm afraid you're just going to have to buy larger vegetables.
'Abigail' from Vancouver, in Canada, asks:
Of course you can get pregnant from a vibrator, you silly little girl. Why do you think they're so popular with lesbians? I'd stick to electric toothbrushes, if I were you. They may not feel the same as having a gush of hot jism surge towards your eggs from the throbbing, purple head of an enormous vibrator, but at least your tummy won't swell up afterwards. You can save that treat for the lucky man who finally gets to land such a great catch as you.
Lucy' (27), from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
Do you mean 'can't put your finger on' or 'won't put your finger on,' Lucy? Look, she's a lezza, you dozy slapper. Either let her into your knickers or tell her you don't play for the home team.
'Sandra.' from Leicester, in the UK, asks:
Perhaps the best solution would be to divorce your hubby and marry the bus driver and have an affair with your ex on the side. No, hang on, that would be the same as the situation you're in now. Oh, bugger it, just carry on as you are; the 52% of married women who cheat on their husbands can't all be wrong, can they?
'Amie' from Sydney, Australia, asks:
The naïvity of you young girls never ceases to amaze me. The problem isn't that he doesn't want you to finish the job, it's his way of telling you that you should have started it in the first place. Is he thinking of someone else when he's pounding away at his little sausage? Is the Pope Catholic? He's thinking of the hot little teenage porn starlet whose movies he has filed away under 'boring work stuff' on his pee-cee. Look, darling; let me tell you something about men your mother clearly didn't. They're all selfish little shits who don't care where they put their hideous willies, so long as it's inside the mouth of a filthy slut who never says no. The only way you're going to stop him wanking over that teenage porn is to suck his little weenie until it bleeds. In short, he's not getting enough.
'Miriam' from Nashville, Tennessee, in the USA, asks:
Someone once remarked that sex is too good for some people. They were clearly thinking of you. For goodness sake, girl, get a bloody grip! Or rather, let rip. If you still can't come I suggest you lose the prick and find someone who enjoys having you pee on them. That shouldn't be too hard in Tennessee.
'Emma' from Nottingham, in the UK, asks:
He's gay, Emma. Move on.
'Gareth' from Cardiff, in Wales, asks:
Are you completely clueless? If she's 90 the chances are she's never given anyone a blow job. As she's unlikely to have any teeth either, forget the leg and just sit on her face. If you're lucky she'll have given you a massive orgasm before she realises you're not meals on wheels.
'Jeneen' from Liverpool, in the UK, asks:
I'd say you were as dim as he's devious, Jeneen. Haven't you heard about Don Gittes, the Internet dating 'Love God' who racked up no less than 1,023 dates in under two years and ended up in bed with 920 of them? Dump the tosser and find yourself a real bloke in Tesco's like any other normal woman.
'Cherelle', from Coventry, in the UK, asks:
5 minutes and 2 minutes, eh? My goodness, you have struck sexual gold, haven't you? And you're not worried about it? Bloody hell, if any bloke I shagged came in two minutes he'd be out of the door so fast he wouldn't have time to put his socks back on. Look, sweetie, my husband is 56 and keeps it up for hours at a time with nothing stronger than a glass of chilled Chablis to sustain him. My advice is to lose the teenage prick and find yourself a mature man who knows how to take the time to please a woman. Just hang around your local bus shelter in a microskirt and skimpy top; one's bound to turn up.
'Peter' from London, asks:
Oh dear, we have landed ourselves in nasty pickle, haven't we? I'm afraid the solution lies in your own hands, Peter, or rather the hands of the Hungarian hooker I suggest you pick up outside Euston Station and video while she's got her laughing gear wrapped around your mate's empurpled knobs. If you tell them she's your kid sister and only wants a packet of Lamberts they should jump at the chance. They'll be cleaning the toilets with their tongues in no time. The twenty quid the Hungarian hooker will cost you is a small price to pay for your indescretion, don't you think?
'Joyce' from Gateshead, in the UK, asks:
I take it 'adult TV' is a Geordie euphemism for what we call 'unmitigated filth' down here, Joyce? Unless you plan to realise the dirty old perve's fantasies, I'm afraid you're well fucked; or not fucked in this case. I suggest you dump the twat and find nice, decent estate agent who is content with mounting you once a month for five minutes with the lights off and the curtains drawn.
Tina (14), from Bromborough, in the UK, asks:
Put on your poshest hoodie and sexiest thong and hang around the back of your local Macky D's, Tina. Once you've wrapped your thighs around eight inches of throbbing man meat and copped a littlun you'll forget all about girls.
The answer is obvious, darling. Your mum was a lot closer to that pet 'roo than she let on to you.
'Shyran' from Letchworth, in the UK, asks:
Have you considered a career in the circus?
'Jess' from London, asks
I think you're a very stupid little chav, Jess. But the good news is you're not a lesbian. No lesbian in her right mind would fancy Sharon Osbourne. Except her mum, of course, but she's family.
'Arnold' from London, asks:
Let me get this right, Arnie; you're about to get married to one girl and another girl, who you admit you fancy, wants to shag you. Do you think you might be missing something here? If you can't think of the solution I suggest you dump the girlfriend and skip the wedding because you're clearly not man enough to make either woman happy.
'James' from New York, in the USA, asks:
To misquote the immortal bard; 'methinks this wanker doth protest too much.' Sixteen orgasms? Who was counting; you or the cheap hooker—sorry, 'illicit honey?' Never had the problem before, eh? Successful sex with the wife? Does that mean you bought new batteries for her rabbit? Give me a break, James. You picked up a drunken slut in some cheap New York clip joint on the spur of the moment and she took you to a seedy hotel run by her Russian drug-dealing pimp. When you realised you'd come out without any Viagra you panicked and prematurely ejaculated all over the tart's posh frock. Naturally, she insisted you pay for the sex you didn't have and her dry-cleaning bill. When you refused, she called her pimp and he beat you up until you handed over your wallet and charge cards (which she still hasn't returned). No wonder you're 'concerned.' Hell, I'd be hopping mad. But then I don't suffer from premature ejaculation, though I do have a willy even smaller than yours, or so my husband tells me. Let this be a lesson to you not to play away from home.
'Lila' from Alberta, in Canada, asks:
Only if your 14-year-old sister finds out. If she doesn't mind you watching while she's blowing him, the three of you might consider asking your parents to join in. Then you could all move down to Tennessee where I understand incest is a popular game for all the family.
'Alan' from Norwich, in the UK, asks:
Look, let's not mince words, 'Alan.' You're clearly in a majority in parliament at the moment. Frankly, anyone who isn't crossdressing is seriously out of touch with modern political sexual mores. Just tell the Speaker and the whips will do the rest. I'm sure you wife will understand. Tony's been crossdressing for years and Cherie clearly doesn't mind. I'd postpone the sex change until after the next election though. You don't want to queer your pitch with the punters before you've got your bum back on the bench, do you?
I think you may have the wrong website, Keith. However important 'spanking for pleasure' may be to you, finding pornographic literature is rather out of our purview. I suggest you try 'bottomsRus.com.'
Only if bestiality is allowed in your part of the world, darling. Otherwise you might find it's your bottom which gets a jolly good spanking from the long arm of the law.
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