Ms Givings Very Personal Problem Pages
Ms Givings Personal Problem Pages
Some problems readers have sent to us are of an intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean


NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?

'David', from Daytona, in the USA, asks:
I recently caught my wife giving and receiving oral sex from another man and at first I was very angry at her, but as time went on I liked the idea of another man wanting what I already have and I would like to film her doing sex acts with other men. I want to know if this is normal or am I screwed up?

If your wife is munching on another bloke's lunchbox I'd say you were well screwed, unless she's a hooker, in which case it's perfectly normal. Just make sure she takes it up both pipes at once when you film her, as cream facials are so five minutes ago.

'Jenna' (18), from Leicester, in the UK, asks:
I listen to punk and I dress like a punk, why shouldn't I? Except I go to a Chav college where the boys call me a witch (being too retarded to tell the difference between a Goth and a Punk, corsets aside). I wouldn't really care, except that I'm good mates with one of them (and fancy the fucking life out of him). The guy I like never says anything about me; he just stands there looking embarrassed. It's really bothering me, coz I know he won't be with me when his friends all hate me. Why is he so spineless?

It's probably the corset. Most blokes have trouble unzipping a pair of Diesels, never mind unlacing a corset. Lose the whalebone, darling and get yourself a nice, baggy pair of Tracky bottoms. He'll be into your Prada thong before you can say 'gissa fag, mate.'

'Brett' (15), from Carl Junction, in the USA, asks:
I like this girl but she seems a little bit out of my league. How do I get her? She flirts with me all the time and I think I'm in love with her. I've been nothing but complete gentlemen but it seems like she's a little more of the wild girl. Should I try a different approach? This is the girl of my dreams and I would really appreciate a girl's advice.

Plastic, Brett, and lots of it. There's nothing that turns a wild girl on faster than a wallet full of platinum charge cards. Well, except a really bad boy with a heavy coke habit and a set of hot wheels. But as you're clearly much too sweet to possess either, you may have to settle for the fat Goth geek with braces instead.

'Keshia' (15), from Milwaukee, in the USA, asks:
I've known this guy for a couple months and I'm really into him. Last night he came and got me and we ended up having sex. I'm not a virgin, but it sure felt like my first time. Anyhow, I think he's feeling me too, but I'm worried about how much drama it will bring. I really want to stand by him and make this work the right way. Can you help me?

You American teens are totally clueless, aren't you? Have you learned nothing from Britney and Christina? Just shag him and dump him like every other teen slut.

'Taylor' (15), from Miami, in the USA, asks:
I really like this guy named Jason. I mean I really like him but I don't know if he likes me. And I'm scared that if I tell him or ask him out he will reject me because I have been rejected before and it really sucks. So what do you think? Should I tell him then ask him out and face my fear or should I just wait for him to like me?

Have you tried dropping your panties and asking him if he'd like to pop your cherry? That seems to work for most American teens.

'Janice', from Glasgow, in Scotland, asks:
I have been married to Richard for eight years and our sex life's been good, more so for him as he likes to be dominated and I allow him to dress as a girl at weekends. The domination games started with him dressed as 'Rachel' and I would make him do ironing, housework, even sewing and then cane and belt him. His favourite is me kicking his balls. My problem is I now long for a real man. I have told him I've had enough of looking at him mincing about the house in my bra and knickers, he disgusts me, his cock's tiny and what makes it worse, he likes me to humiliate him in public. Nothing would hurt him, even me having sex with a real man which is another of his disgusting fantasies. What should I do?

Let me get this straight. You are complaining about a bloke who does all the housework and lets you beat the crap out of him? Most girls would sell their favourite shoes to get their hands on such an obliging sex slave. I suggest you teach him to lick you out while a real man is pounding your bottom. That way, you'll have the best of both worlds, won't you?

'Carmen (15), from Lake Havasu City, in the USA, asks:
I've been having sex for almost a year now and I have little bumps on my clitoris. They're not sensitive and I was looking on the Internet and there was this natural thing guys can get like Fordyce spots and I was wondering if girls can get those too cause that's what they look like but mine are a little smaller. Is there anything to get them to go away?

Yes. Stop masturbating with Candy bars you dirty little slut!

Larissa (15), from Melbourne, in Australia, asks:
I'm confused. I just got asked by a guy if my pussy was pink what does this mean? I need help please!!

I'll say you do Larissa. You might begin by paying more attention during Biology classes. That way, the next time some wanker asks this question you'll be able to tell him he's knocking at the wrong door.

'Kayleigh' (15), from Orpington, in the UK, asks:
I've never cared that much about my weight but everyone apart from my mates seems to really dislike me. I'm not really nasty or horrible but if someone calls me fat I say something back. I don't start it but it really gets me down how these people take one look at me and write me off as a fat freak. I feel really unhappy about it. I don't know what to do about it.

Have you tried cutting back on the chips and microwaveable pizza? It may not prevent people writing you off as a freak, but at least you'll be a thin freak.

'Jim' from London, asks:
I am really concerned; I don't know who to ask. You see, it’s a very male problem. When I was 16 and had an erection it was like a steel bar. When I was 26 I could bend it a little. At 36 I could bend it a bit more. Thing is, I'm now 56 and, even on a good day, I can bend it nearly double. Miranda, advise me. Do you think I'm getting stronger?

I only wish you were Jim. All that's happened is that you've changed from being a useless wanker who can't keep it down to one that can't get it up. But look on the bright side, at least now you'll be able to reach your partner's elusive 'G' spot without injuring yourself.

'Rhiannon' (14), from Billinghurst, in the UK, asks:
I really need some help in masturbation I don't want to stop so can I have some detail in how to get it right please?

I'm sorry, Rhiannon, but if you don't know how to use a shower head or an electric toothbrush, you really are beyond help.

'Tynky Wynky' (22), from Edmonton, in Canada, asks:
Me and my boyfriend have a wicked sex life we've been together for 6 years but I like to use my vibrator when I am sucking him off. I use it almost every day and usually around the clit anyhow now it's itchy and there is some white stuff around it. I have cleaned all the white stuff off and it looks like the skin is peeling. Is this because I use it too much?

No, it's because you never clean your dildo, you filthy slut.

'Rakanesha' from Washington DC, in the USA, asks:
I've been messing around with a guy that had a crush on me in high school but I didn't become interested in him until recently. When we initially hooked up he had just broken up with his girlfriend who lives in Hawaii. After about 2 months of us spending time together they got back together. In the meantime, I've developed feelings for him and I thought he felt the same. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we had sex Sunday and I haven't heard from him since. We usually talk at least every other day and if not we communicate through instant messenger or text each other. We did a lot together and I felt like we could really develop a relationship, but now I just feel used. What should I do?

Beg him on bended knee to come back to you. Better still, insist he keeps on seeing his ex and give him all your money. How else are you going to hold onto a catch like him?

'Cathy' (55), from London, asks:
I have just discovered my idiot husband has been writing to you about his erectile dysfunction. Look, he may not be much but since the dog died he's all I've got. I was never that interested in, well you know, 'doing it'. So it came as a considerable relief to discover, on our wedding night, that he could be distracted for at least a week with a copy of 'caravaning and touring monthly'. Please don't stir up any ideas 'down there'—if you know what I mean. Men are funny creatures and even at 56 he sometimes wakes up in the morning a bit 'untidy' as I like to say. Given encouragement he could easily start getting frisky and quite honestly, I can't be doing with it.
Couldn't you just tell him all men have these problems and it would be best if he just concentrated on something else? Like re-grouting the bathroom or swapping over the doors on the kitchen cabinets. In fact, I could email a list of little jobs around the house you might suggest to him if you've a mind.
I know you go on about sex all the time in your Internet thing, I suppose that’s 'cos you're still trying to attract Mr Right. Look dear, take it from me, the best marriages are founded on a shared interest in hoovering and a fortnight in a caravan at Dymchurch every summer. Sex is not all it’s cracked up to be—I tried it once so I know. If I were you I'd count myself lucky and buy a King Charles Spaniel. Please, try not to build my husband's hopes up.

I wish I could allay your fears, Cathy, but the truth is that even a porn star hung like a stallion would fail to get it up around a frigid, unimaginative, old trout like you. Clearly, your obsession with DIY and penchant for dismally boring holidays doomed your poor husband to a life of sexual deprivation long before your tits went south and your arse followed them. When you say 'I tried sex once', I take it you mean that you lay on your back in a darkened room with the lights off for two minutes, thirty years ago while some knobhead mounted you? And then you married the sad tosser. The best advice I can give you, is to pop your head into the Aga at Regulo eight for two hours and leave a note for your husband explaining that he's now free to carry on pleasuring the highly attractive, 44-year-old brunette webmistress he's been seeing behind your back.

'Zeb' from Scarborough, in the UK, asks:
I am fourteen and my voice is breaking and I'm growing pubic hair. I've not really been interested in girls before. But now, because all my mates have girlfriends, I feel I ought to as well. But I know it's not really what I want to do—I'd prefer to be playing football. But some kids get called names if they don't have a girlfriend. What should I do?

As you prefer to be chased by hairy-arsed lads who come in short pants it's no wonder you don’t have a girlfriend. If you like balls so much, get the girls to play with them and give the poor football a break.

'Jessica' (18), from Louisville, in the USA, asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I care about him so much but the feeling I had before has faded away. I don't know what to do, I'm so depressed. I feel like being with him is holding me back. I told him about the situation and he doesn't get it. I'm the kinda person that hates to hurt the feelings of other people, when I tell him I think we should end it he says there's no other reason for living except me and that makes me feel bad. We just moved in together and our names are both on the lease, I can’t go back home and he has no family. What should I do I'm stuck in this.

Well, we don't normally advise our readers to break the law, Jessica, but drastic situations sometimes demand drastic measures. Kill him. That way, you won't hurt his feelings and you'll be doing your bit to reduce the soaring teenage suicide rate.

'Craig' (17), from Cheshire, in the UK, asks:
When I'm having a wank it's over too quickly and I don't get very much excitement out of it. How can I make it last longer?

Apart from changing your sex, not a lot darling. Some blokes swear by cayenne pepper, but you may find that reduces your chances of getting a girl to suck you off even further.

'Sam' (15), from Peacehaven, in the UK, asks:
Is it normal to when I get a boner and stuff to go to the washing basket and lick me mum's knickers?

Completely normal. Unless she's wearing them at the time, in which case your dad might get a bit upset.

'Emma' (15), from Milton Keynes, in the UK, asks:
I was in love wid this boy yeah so i asked him out he kept saying maybe, when he finally said yeah i was going out wid him for a day then later that night we was talking on msn and he goes i dont really want to go out wid you so i go why? and he goes i prefer us being mates anyway my question is how do i get over him ? i really dont want to love him anymore i cant go out with anyone else because i still love him i have loved him for a month now non stop what shall i do to get over him i have tried everything??

You clearly have a lot to learn about being a 'propa Chav', Emma. Firstly, it's 'wit' not 'wid' and you didn't say 'innit' once. Once you've improved your diction, his dick should follow, provided you remember to open your mouth wide enough.

'Jules' (23), from London, asks:
I am a newly wed and recently I was being a real cow to my husband. During a row I swore at him and told him he wasn't much of a man. Before I could do anything to stop him he had grabbed me, turned me over his knee, pulled my knickers down and given my bare bottom a very hard spanking. I was mortified but also found it a huge turn on. Do I need to worry that my husband is a wife beater and am I weird to be turned on by the spanking? Since then whenever I think of him pulling my panties down and spanking me I get turned on.

You’re not weird, only maladjusted and pervy. The time to worry is when your hubby brings home a spiked leather dog collar with your name on the tag.

'Neecy' (17), from Louisville, in the USA, asks:
My boyfriend is a major freak and he says that he likes when I'm 'wet.' I never really understood what he meant. I mean do I make myself wet? What does 'wet' actually mean? And also, how far can the penis go down your throat before you choke?

I think he's subtly trying to tell you that he wants you to pee on him. Swallowing a penis is not recommended for anyone but White House interns. If you are reckless enough to try it and choke to death when it gets stuck behind your tonsils, at least you'll be able to tell St Peter that you died on your knees.

'Neecy' asks again:
My boyfriend wants to have sex every night, which I would love to do if not for womens' issues, but my cousin said that her and her husband fuck every night. How is this possible for me to do this if I have a period for about 4 days each month?

Red bed sheets, darling.

'Becki' (14), from Southend, in the UK, asks:
mi bf sniffed coke n i sed choose coke or me n he as dun it again n i dunno wat 2 do and e did 6 lines of it i love him sooo much but we keep breaking up n making up aswl but wen we're 2geva we're soo gd 2geva pls hlp me?

Get him to blow the coke up your pussy. That way, you'll both get some enjoyment out of his drug habit.

'Terry' from Liverpool, in the UK, asks:
I've recently had sex for the first time. My partner told me that if I didn't wear a condom, she'd get pregnant. Well it's been 7 days since we had sex and I'm dying for a piss. Should I take off my condom?

That depends on whether or not it's still inside her. If it is, let me have your 'phone number as any bloke who can keep it up that long is clearly wasted on one woman.

'Gemma' (17), from Slough, in the UK, asks:
I was in the middle of having sex with me boyfriend when I asked him to spank my bum, he did, but I got so excited that I weed all over him! But the weird thing is, he loved it, and wants me to do it again. I feel quite uncomfortable with this, as I believe he may progress to other sexual fantasies I have heard of such as people pooing on you, I do not want this! Please help me!

You've not thought this through properly, have you? Not only will your boyfriend's newly discovered fetish spare you the ordeal of having to have sex with the disgusting pervert, but you'll have an en-suite bathroom at no extra charge!

'Laura' (23), from Sudlersville, in the USA, asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 years and I never made him cum by blowing him without him jerking himself off because I get too tired of bobbing my head up and down. How do I make him cum faster?

You've not quite got the hang of this yet, have you Laura? Tell him that if he doesn’t come soon, you’re going to bite down. That usually works for most blokes.

'Helen' (22), from Bath, in the UK, asks:
A few weeks ago, I was out with my boyfriend when I had a fit of the giggles and embarrassingly wet my panties. I was hugely embarrassed but later when we talked about it; it was a big turn on. We had the best lovemaking ever. He has suggested that sometimes I wet them again as part of our lovemaking. I have tried wetting them at home on my own and am really turned on by it. I am worried that it is too kinky and also that it may lead to incontinence problems in later life.

Relax, darling. By the time you're old enough to be called 'stinky, wet knickers,' you'll have met so many perverts through flogging your filthy undies on eBay, that incontinence will be the least of your worries.

'Jane' (17), from Eastwood, in Australia, asks:
I was in the shower and I noticed that my vagina had this white stuff in it. It looked like skin. But I'm not sure what it was. I've also experienced some itching. Could this be thrush?

No, beeswax. If you must wank with candles, at least wrap them in a condom.

'Ken' (68), from Clifton, in Australia, asks:
I never even get a goodnight kiss any more. My marital relationship has never been much but since the wife found out about an indiscretion it has dried right up. I am a bit religious; so more extramarital rooting is out. I constantly daydream of eating pussy and especially sucking the nearby arsehole. I spend a lot of time on the internet fantasising that those girls smiling and pointing their arseholes at the camera are doing so to me. I'm hopeless aren't I?

Completely. Have you thought of running for the Aussie Senate?

'Sachiel' (24), from Lincoln, in the USA, asks:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and the only time that I can give her an orgasm is by eating her out, but not through sexual penetration. Is it because my penis might not be big enough or is it her that has the problem?

The problem isn’t with your dick, it’s with hers. Buy a roadmap to the clit and visit it often. If you get lost, please forget you’re a man and stop to ask for directions.

'Leean', from Pinland, in the USA, asks:
Hey. I'm still a virgin! I'm 14 right now and one of my guy friends just wants to hang out and then later on he asked me if I shaved my pussy and I said he would have to find out! The only thing I really want to do with him is give him a hand/blow job, anything else but sex! The reason I don't want to have sex is because I don't like the way my pussy or asshole looks! My pussy is kinda big and my asshole has all dark around it? How do I get the black stuff to go away?

Get your head out of your ass and wipe for Heaven’s sake.

'Carole', from Swindon, in the UK, asks:
My husband has always told me he loved me and that he would do nothing to destroy our marriage but recently he has told me that he is thinking of paying for sex because I have three jobs to help our debt situation which makes me too tired to have sex. I feel betrayed and am crying most of the time and feel numb.

You really are several condoms short of the full pack, Carole. Take the money! That way you can give up your other jobs and spend all day on your back in bed and charge your husband twenty quid a poke. If he complains that you're always asleep, tell him it'll cost another fifty to shag you when you're awake.

'Anna' from Manteca, in the USA, asks:
I'm 23 and I've had 5 abortions. My boyfriend is always complaining my pussy is loose. How can I fix the problem?

Get a bigger prick who wears thick, woollen socks.

'Nikki,' (23), from Holly, in the USA, asks:
One day my guy came home from work and I caught him hiding a girl's phone number in his shoe. I asked him about it and he told me it was a girl that works at the local gas station. That she knew the phone number of the person he's been trying to get a hold of for awhile. I asked him why he hid the number and he said it was because he didn't want me to get mad because I'm pregnant. When I called her and asked her if he was hitting on her she said yeah. I told him what she said and he said she was hitting on him. That he didn't hit on her. What do I do?

Simple. Take away his shoes. Then he’ll have nowhere to hide other women’s 'phone numbers.

'Tara' (15), from Hertfordshire, in the UK, asks:
Recently a boy touched my vagina and he complained it was hairy. What I don't get is why boys don't like hair down there!? The thing is, when I shave it I get a rash and it itches. Please tell me what to do because I don't want any more humiliation.

Tell him you can’t shave it because tattooed underneath the hair are the names of all the previous wankers who've shagged you.

'Emma' from Felton, in the USA, asks:
OK, there's this boy that I've known since 2nd grade, and we've crushed before, it's just that he didn't like me those other times and now that we're both in 6th grade, I'm 11, he's 11, I crushed again and scored. We're both, like as close to BF/GF as you can get without dating. I told him that I like him, he mirrored and now I like, REALLY LIKE him. How do I tell him without embarrassing the both of us? Please help!

If he’s anything like my elementary school boyfriend, he’s going to dump you for a 7th grader, so just cut your losses and start flirting with his best friend right now. Whatever you do, be sure to get back your Scooby Doo decoder pin or you’ll end up just feeling used.

'Kayla' (17), from Texas, in the USA, asks:
Most nights when I go to sleep I always cum in the bed when I'm sleeping. It’s really wet! What can I do to stop it?

Why on earth would you want to stop it? Buy rubber sheets and enjoy it you silly little girl.

'Emily' (14), from Newcastle, in the UK, asks:
Dis lad practically loves me but he has been out with 2 of my friends n treated them both like shit he asked me out wen i was drunk n i stupidly sed yes i wanna know if i shd loose the dickhead or keep him just in case i need him because wen he was ganin out with my m8s he sed he wud dump them 4 me n he duz anything i say and i mean anything (he nicked money 4 me).

Where else are you going to get another wanker as dim as this Chav?
Let him shag you senseless until you cop a littlun, then cite him for paternity and enjoy a life of leisure at his and our expense.

'Nina von Hudgewig' from Saskatoon, in Canada, asks:
I am a well to do society girl in Canada, and I have one problem: I'm really horny! I don't date because good girls don't date until they're 16 and I'm only 14. I don't have any toys because Mummy won't buy them for me because she thinks they're for scarlet woman. I am so desperate I almost want to borrow the big carrot that my cook was going to use for the roast beef tonight. My little pussy is so lonely, what can I do?

Don't they have screwdrivers with big, knobbly handles in Canada? If nothing else is available (and vegetables are off limits) borrow your mom’s turkey baster and stuff yourself senseless. One word of warning, unless your Christmas guests like their meat very 'gamy,' I recommend you clean it off afterwards.

'Freddie' (15), from Geneva, in Switzerland, asks:
I love a girl called Kate but she keeps making excuses when I ask her out! What can I do to get her to go out with me?

Girls make excuses because they’re too shy to say yes. All you have to do is turn the excuse to your own advantage. For example, if Kate says she can’t go out with you because she’s washing her hair, say, “Did I mention that I was studying to be a hairdresser?”

'Jack' (16), from London, asks:
Recently my girlfriend moved to Cornwall from London, which is over 250 miles apart from each other. Weeks and days leading up to the departure, she was all up for a long distance relationship; she's also 16 by the way. But 2 days before she said she didn't want to! I was so unbelievably hurt! So she moves and we both decide to meet up again and I stayed two nights at her place. We act as if we are still going out, we hold hands, kiss, etc. But it's been 6 weeks since I last saw her and she has just started her new school and she's already got boys fighting over her! LITERALLY! She’s been asked out by 4 boys...said no to all of them!

She went to 2 parties just last weekend, she told me she snogged the hell out of three boys! But she felt bad she did such a thing so she texted me wiv:
'Just wana say sori as I was a bit off yesterday but bin busy lyk! I kno it must hurt t hear wot Ive sed abowt wot I've dun wiv other boys n Im sori for that 2! If we can get thru the nxt few years then ther wil b no stopin us n i kno i really don deserve u. xxxx hana xxxx.’

That was word for word wot she wrote 2 days ago. Today we're having a convo on msn and she says:
I said: yeah, ya so sexy.
hana says: I think Im in luv wiv dis buff Talen. He's asked me out.
I said: well defo likes ya then don he.
hana says: lol i kno but hes lyk so sweet id feel bad sayin no!
I said: so u gan t get wiv Talen then?
hana says: i doubt hes bit shy lol but his m8 is well fit. Snogged him yesterday.

I need help, what should I do? She's hurting me so much and I'm not saying a word back to hurt her.

I'm afraid you're making the common mistake of thinking that girls like Hana like sweet and considerate boys like you, Jack. Well, they do, but they don't want to shag one. So unless you're prepared to slap her around like the selfish little slut deserves, you'll just have to find yourself a new girlfriend. Preferably one who knows the difference between a decent lad and a knobhead.


Problems added 22nd December 2005. ©

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