Ms Givings Very Personal Problem Pages
Ms Givings Personal Problem Pages
Some problems visitors have sent to us are of a very intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean

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NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?

'Joanna' (23), from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
I have been very good friends with this man for quite a while now but recently I have been getting feelings for him. The problem is I am too scared to say anything in case it ruins our great friendship. Sometimes I think the feeling is mutual but then other times he's telling me that he likes all my friends! It really hurts me to go out with him and see him with other girls. I just can't understand him but I can't stop thinking about him. It's probably just a crush but it's making me want to stop seeing him just so I can get it out of my system. How can I get over this?

Nothing ruins a friendship faster than sex. Well, except a large garden gnome inserted up the bottom—but that‘s another story. We recommend that you have sex with this man and then have sex with the girls too. Then if he gets jealous of the other girls, tell him that if you can't play around, neither can he. If, on the other hand, he asks to watch you eating out the other girls, well then you’re fucked. And fucked and fucked and fucked.

'Rachel', from Manchester, in the UK, asks:
I'm 16 years old and I've been going out with my gorgeous boyfriend for 4 months and we get on really well. I lost my virginity to him last month, but he has already had 4 previous girlfriends who he slept with. We go to a lot of parties and at one he said that he really fancies my best mate. I was really jealous at first and we had big arguments. He said that it was just lust, not love and that if he had sex with her he probably wouldn't fancy her anymore. I really don't want to lose him so I asked my best friend if she would have sex with him and she said yes. My boyfriend wants me to be there and join in. He said that this way he can show me that he loves me and only fancies her. I still feel very jealous and unsure, am I being immature? 

Yes. You’re being a selfish bitch. If your boyfriend didn't love you why would he feel the need to bang another girl in your presence? I bet he loves you so much he wants you to kiss her too, innocently at first, then with lots of deep tonguing, then between her widespread, shaking thighs. If you're really lucky, he may even let you watch while he sweeps her chimney to prove how much he really loves you. Instead of mistrusting him, you should invite him to shag all your friends while you sit in the corner and cry your eyes out in gratitude.

'George' (27), from Yorkshire, in the UK, asks:
Hello, I'm glad you're here to give me some advice. It is a little embarrassing and I've been waiting to talk about it to someone for years. Since I can remember i get very aroused by fat women. I don't just mean a little on the chubby side, but I mean clinically obese mommas. I love the wiggle of fat, the feel of cellulite and boobs bigger then my head! Is this normal? I feel like a freak but i can't help myself! I can't find a woman to satisfy my desire for fat. 

Move to America, where there are millions of enormously fat women. You’ll be in hog heaven, George.

'Laura,' from Seattle, in the USA, asks:
I'm 33 years old and still live with my mom and thought maybe you could help me. I don't get all things done I need to get done in the day and she told her boyfriend that maybe I need to get spanked for not doing my work. Do you think this is normal or maybe it's just what I need. But it will hurt so very bad? Would you paddle me if I was your daughter?

Like a shot! You seem the sort of girl who could use a good paddling. In fact, I’d paddle you twice as hard for just asking such a silly question.

'Cynthia,' from Chicago, in the USA, asks:
I am 14 years old and don't have a boyfriend. All of my friends have a boyfriend and I don't know why I don't. I am not ugly.

Go home and practice the following exercise. Lay on your back, slip off your thong, spread your legs really wide, and repeat. Once you've mastered this, the boys will be knocking down your door.

'Jack' (14), from Lincoln, Nebraska, in the USA, asks:
Is it possible to have a 24 inch penis? My friend keeps talking about how he has a 24 incher, but mine is only four inches. I was just wondering if that was possible.

Not only is it possible, Jack, it's quite normal if your 'friend' is the horse your mother doesn't know is buggering you. 

'Sarah' (20), from Hampshire, in the UK, asks:
What is he best position to have sex in? And is it easier for the girl to be on top or the boy? How do you go about getting an orgasm?, How is it that when I have sex I enjoy what my partner does to me but I don't have an orgasm? What is the best foreplay leading up to sex, giving him a blow job and letting him lick me out?

I don't know what's more unbelievable, that you've managed to reach the ripe old age of twenty without having an orgasm or that you need to ask whether girls should be on top. Look, you silly cow, the best position is to stand over your man with your white stiletto pressed firmly into his neck while you whip his writhing buttocks with his cheque book. Happy now?

'Mindy' (17), from Burlington, Canada, asks:
My boyfriend didn't have a condom when we had anal and he cummed in my ass. Can I get pregnant? Also it leaked out a little but I don't know if it got near my vagina. Can I get pregnant like that?

You have about as much idea about the geography of your body as you have about writing an English sentence. I doubt if your French is any better as you seem to be a complete stranger to French letters as well. Je suis désolé, mon petit bonbon, but I'm afraid you can look forward to a petit paquet de joie in about nine months. The good news is that you won't have to worry about getting pregnant for a while, so if you'd like to try two pricks up you while another one gives you a facial, go right ahead. Vive la Sport mon chéri! 

'David' (23), from Richmond, in the USA, asks:
Alien Abduction and impregnation. I have this major problem, I went to bed one night and I had these bizarre dreams, and I woke up and it looked like I had swallowed a beach ball, my tummy was humongous, I fear that during the night I was abducted by aliens and impregnated with their love children. But how is this possible? I am male... or at least the last time I checked I was. It has been 2 years now and I still haven't lost the beach ball tummy, people think that I have really let myself go and that I'm just packing a few extra pounds from one too many cheeseburgers at McDonalds. But the strange thing is I feel movement in my tummy, like a pregnant woman would feel a baby kicking, but these damn things wont come out of me, and I have no vagina for them to be sucked out of as you suggested to some women earlier that were impregnated, please help me I'm desperate.

I have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is those weren’t aliens. They were President Bush’s Federal agents. The bad news is that what’s inside you isn’t a baby, it’s a five pound national identification chip that tracks your every movement (well, not those movements) and reports back to the Men in Black. What you say to your lawyer in confidence, what books you purchase and check out from the library, what sexual positions you prefer (if any) and whether or not you’ve ever been a 'terroristical synthesiser' are all being carefully recorded. We strongly recommend you seek urgent surgery to remove the tracking device. Meanwhile, wrap a wet towel around your penis and next time don't vote Democrat, OK?

'Sexy Pixie' (15), from Edinburgh, in Scotland, writes:
I really like this lad and we text each other a lot at night and sometimes we text dirty. I find him really good-looking and he says he likes me too but I don't know if I should sleep with him? I know he wants to and he's said that he doesn't want to push me into it but I'm afraid that he will lose interest! He's already been out with two girls from the year above and he's slept with them and when he was going out with them he stopped texting me. I don't want to seem frigid and I'm scared that he'll think I'm stupid. I'm also embarrassed about my body and if he'll think I'm sexy. Please help! 

The problem with so many of you young girls is that you do a little too much texting and not enough shagging. Get on with it, Pixie. How are you going to get a nice, posh council flat and 150 quid a week pocket money if you don't get knocked up before you're sixteen?

'Vicky,' from Newquay, in the UK, asks:
Please help me. I feel desperately unattractive. I'm 19 and I have never had any male attention. Boys just don't seem to fancy me. I've tried everything, flirting, wearing short skirts, sexy tops, lots of make-up and approaching men in bars but nothing seems to work! I don't think I'm ugly, I have a nice figure and a decent face. What's wrong with me?!

At a wild guess, your sex, Vicks. Newquay is full of gay-as-a-boat artists, effeminate Aussie surfer boys and butch dykes looking for Morgan-le-Fay's tomb. You stand about as much chance of getting laid in Newquay as I do of having my bottom licked by Stephen Fry. I suggest you move to Luton.

'Candice' (23), from Houston, in the USA, asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for awhile. In the beginning of our relationship a girlfriend was the last thing he wanted. After dating for a few months he still wasn't ready to start a relationship. The pushy girl in me simply said: "Why not? I have not done anything that would hurt you or hurt us, I have given you your space, we have fun together, we do everything else, so why not?" So we had a relationship after that. I knew he wasn't ready for anything big but I was. later on we moved in together and everything has been OK. But he has ALWAYS spent ALL of his extra time with his family, and now I'm around he spends most of his time at work and not with me. This has made his family not like me. They have judged me fast! Well a few days ago his sisters called me and went off on me, telling me that my boyfriend has said this and that and he wanted to leave me but doesn't know how. So is he telling me the truth or telling me what I want to hear and bullshitting me?

We imagine he’s bullshitting as he’s obviously cheating on you with his sisters. You can’t swing a dead cat in Texas without hitting a family that plays together and stays together. We can’t really blame your boyfriend, though. If we were dating someone who whined all the time, we’d sleep with our sisters too.

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