Some problems visitors have sent to us are of a very intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean
NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?
(23), from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
Nothing ruins a friendship faster than sex. Well, except a large garden gnome inserted up the bottom—but that‘s another story. We recommend that you have sex with this man and then have sex with the girls too. Then if he gets jealous of the other girls, tell him that if you can't play around, neither can he. If, on the other hand, he asks to watch you eating out the other girls, well then you’re fucked. And fucked and fucked and fucked.
'Rachel', from Manchester, in the UK, asks:
Yes. You’re being a selfish bitch. If your boyfriend didn't love you why would he feel the need to bang another girl in your presence? I bet he loves you so much he wants you to kiss her too, innocently at first, then with lots of deep tonguing, then between her widespread, shaking thighs. If you're really lucky, he may even let you watch while he sweeps her chimney to prove how much he really loves you. Instead of mistrusting him, you should invite him to shag all your friends while you sit in the corner and cry your eyes out in gratitude.
'George' (27), from Yorkshire, in the UK,
Move to America, where there are millions of enormously fat women. You’ll be in hog heaven, George.
'Laura,' from Seattle, in the USA, asks:
Like a shot! You seem the sort of girl who could use a good paddling. In fact, I’d paddle you twice as hard for just asking such a silly question.
Go home and practice the following exercise. Lay on your back, slip off your thong, spread your legs really wide, and repeat. Once you've mastered this, the boys will be knocking down your door.
'Jack' (14), from Lincoln, Nebraska, in the USA, asks:
Not only is it possible, Jack, it's quite normal if your 'friend' is the horse your mother doesn't know is buggering you.
'Sarah' (20), from Hampshire, in the UK, asks:
I don't know what's more unbelievable, that you've managed to reach the ripe old age of twenty without having an orgasm or that you need to ask whether girls should be on top. Look, you silly cow, the best position is to stand over your man with your white stiletto pressed firmly into his neck while you whip his writhing buttocks with his cheque book. Happy now?
'Mindy' (17), from Burlington, Canada, asks:
You have about as much idea about the geography of your body as you have about writing an English sentence. I doubt if your French is any better as you seem to be a complete stranger to French letters as well. Je suis désolé, mon petit bonbon, but I'm afraid you can look forward to a petit paquet de joie in about nine months. The good news is that you won't have to worry about getting pregnant for a while, so if you'd like to try two pricks up you while another one gives you a facial, go right ahead. Vive la Sport mon chéri!
'David' (23), from Richmond, in the USA, asks:
I have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is those weren’t aliens. They were President Bush’s Federal agents. The bad news is that what’s inside you isn’t a baby, it’s a five pound national identification chip that tracks your every movement (well, not those movements) and reports back to the Men in Black. What you say to your lawyer in confidence, what books you purchase and check out from the library, what sexual positions you prefer (if any) and whether or not you’ve ever been a 'terroristical synthesiser' are all being carefully recorded. We strongly recommend you seek urgent surgery to remove the tracking device. Meanwhile, wrap a wet towel around your penis and next time don't vote Democrat, OK?
'Sexy Pixie' (15), from Edinburgh, in Scotland, writes:
The problem with so many of you young girls is that you do a little too much texting and not enough shagging. Get on with it, Pixie. How are you going to get a nice, posh council flat and 150 quid a week pocket money if you don't get knocked up before you're sixteen?
'Vicky,' from Newquay, in the UK, asks:
At a wild guess, your sex, Vicks. Newquay is full of gay-as-a-boat artists, effeminate Aussie surfer boys and butch dykes looking for Morgan-le-Fay's tomb. You stand about as much chance of getting laid in Newquay as I do of having my bottom licked by Stephen Fry. I suggest you move to Luton.
'Candice' (23), from Houston, in the USA, asks:
We imagine he’s bullshitting as he’s obviously cheating on you with his sisters. You can’t swing a dead cat in Texas without hitting a family that plays together and stays together. We can’t really blame your boyfriend, though. If we were dating someone who whined all the time, we’d sleep with our sisters too.
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