'Marcus Crabtree', aged 72, of Nottingham, in the UK, asks:
My mother in law still hates me after decades, should I continue to buy her flowers or buy her a vibrator for her birthday? If the second, how could I have any idea what size to buy in order to avoid offense by getting something too big or small or even the wrong colours?

By a timely coincidence, Marcus, we've just published an article which I feel sure will provide the solution to your delicate dilemma. Buy the old bag a 'Harry Potter Rimbutt 2000 wizard's broom.' Not only will this make it unnecessary for you to ask a lady intimate questions, it will convey the subtle message that it's past time the old witch took flight for Heaven (or the other place). With any luck the broom will sweep her into such a state of sexual exhaustion that she'll be too shagged out to bother you.

'Sophie' (17) from Manchester, in the UK, asks:
My mate thinks i'm a slut. My best mate who iv bin friends wiv for 8 years thinks i'm
shagging her boyfriend but i'm really not wat can i do to make her believe me?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Shag her. Once she's convinced you're a lezza she can't very well accuse you of shagging her boyfriend, can she? And if she does, you can accuse her of two-timing you. It's a win win situation, Soph.

'David' (15), from Reno, in the USA asks:
Me and my girlfriend were sitting in my house and she gave me a hand job and some of it got on my hand and I wiped it off and it was dry but just a little sticky and I fingered her would that get her pregnant?

I won't ask how you got cum on your hands when your girlfriend was wanking you off.. But like most teenage American boys, you're not doing it right, David. 'Handjobs', 'blowjobs', and 'fingering' are not going to make your girlfriend pregnant. You need to pop your little weenie into her love tunnel (that's the front door, not the back), and fill her yummy tummy with your man juice. Of course, using the front door may be illegal in Nevada, but provided you move to a country without an extradition treaty with the US, like Andorra, you should be safe from the law.

'Ebony', (15), from Enfield, in the UK, asks:
I feel really depressed, but sometimes I'm really giddy and happy. All my friends are really nice to me, but when they're not around I'm really miserable. I'm considering cutting myself or taking pills or something, because my mate does it, but I'm not sure. Pls help.

You haven't given me much to go on so I'm assuming something dreadful has happened in your life, like losing your parents, acquiring a terminal illness or being gang-raped by a colony of lepers suffering from tertiary syphilis. If, on the other hand, you're a typical self-obsessed teenager who's depressed because you're not always the centre of attention, your bum's a bit big and you have a zit on your nose, do us all a favour and chuck yourself off a tower block. Not only is this a lot less painful than cutting yourself with razor blades it will also save the taxpayer the cost of providing you with enough anti-depressants to top yourself.

'Lauren', from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
I'm 17 years old and its not very 'tidy' down there, well it is tidy but when I shave, it is
still rough and grows back so quickly like the next day, is there anything I can do apart from waxing it because I find it a bit embarrassing going to have it waxed.

Our resident grooming expert, Jennifer Gardner, replies: There is a simple remedy for your problem which has been handed down to me from three generations of unnaturally hairy women. Unfortunately, unless you’re dating a fireman it could incinerate your entire family, so try this instead: Each night before retiring to bed, cover your entire nether region with a strip of duct tape. Since your bush is unusually unkempt, you might need to use two strips. If you sleep with a boyfriend, do be sure to warn him about the tape in case he wakes up with morning wood, or he could get rather bent out of shape.

During the course of the night, your pubic hair will grow up and into the adhesive side of the duct tape so that by morning all you’ll need is a quick tug to free yourself from those unsightly hairs. You’ll find that this DIY treatment is much less embarrassing, not to mention cheaper, than professional waxes at beauty salons. On average, a roll of duct tape should last you about three and a half years, or possibly half that long if you decide to include your bum in the treatment.

'Sammie' (14), from Manchester, in the UK, asks:
Me and this lad who isn't my boyfriend were sat in a room when suddenly he came onto me. I asked him to stop but he wouldn't. Then the teacher came in so he stopped. I'm really worried what if the teacher hadn't come in?

On the assumption that he was attempting to pick your little cherry, here's what you should do to ensure he never tries it again. Next time you're alone with him, tell him you're going to give him a treat and ask him to drop his trousers. If he's anything like most boys his willy should be out of his pants before you know it. The next bit will involve the use of a large and very heavy book and touching his filthy little chippolata, but provided you wash your hands afterwards and tell him to keep his eyes tightly shut you should be OK. Once the disgusting object is in your hands, place it between the pages of the book and quickly slam the book shut. Then run.

'Neshia' (17), from Miami, in the USA, asks:
I see my old boyfriend almost everyday and I kinda miss him and I remember all the fun we used to have. But he has a new girlfriend. I just want him to notice me so we can be friends but in order for that to happen he has to like me again. So please give me some advice please!

Since Florida banned low-slung pants, hoochie skirts and the exposure of any bare skin above the ankle or below the chin, we are getting a lot of letters like yours. Unless you want to remain a virgin until you're married, the only answer is to move to a more liberal state like Texas or break the law and dress like a two bit hooker who puts out like a slot machine.

'Emma' (16), from Newcastle, in the UK, asks:
About a month ago i went out with a lad who i was really close to, we were the perfect couple, until some girl started a rumour about me even though my boyfriend said he didn’t believe it he dumped me 2 days later saying he just had to have some times to get his head straightened out an dat he'd want me back when he was ok. But i didn’t wait for him coz next he said he just didn’t like me anymore so i went out with a m8's cousin which was a total disaster, we split up, but my ex went off wiv another girl, she doesn’t even fancy him she likes some1 else. I don’t know wot to do! I still love my ex with all my heart n soul. I dream about him nearly every night but for sum reason he hates me! he wont cum anywhere near me! it really upsets me, i have to admit it, i'm now a cutter coz of all this, it started me off. I need sum really good advice and fast! Wot can i do?

It's a pity you don't say what the rumour was. It wouldn't have helped much, if at all, but we might have got a giggle out of it. Mind you, speculating about it has amused the entire editorial staff for many hours.

Has it occurred to you that your boyfriend probably asked this girl to start the rumour to make it easier to dump you? Let's face it, if he hates you and won't come anywhere near you, it's over. Imagining yourself to be a sailing ship isn't going to help you much, especially if you try to put to sea. Alternatively, if you meant you've started playing noughts and crosses on your legs and arms with your Dad's razor, your chances of scoring will drop to zero. Nobody wants to shag a horribly scarred Geordie Grunger. I suggest you find a new bus shelter to hang around, flash your tits a bit more and start giving blow jobs to dirty old men in exchange for fags like every other self-respecting chavette.

'Melissa', from Dublin, in Ireland, asks:
Hi I'm 13 I have been with this guy and he said he wants a blow job I have never given one before and I when I said I would he said can I have a wank and he wants to fuck me too what should I do?

What every other good Irish Catholic girl does; drop your knickers, spread your legs and let him shag what little sense you have out of your tiny brain. With any luck, you should get off with three 'Hail Mary's' and an act of contrition. If you give the priest a blow job you may even get to keep the bun that pops out of your oven in nine months time.

'Kevin' (64), from Chertsey, in the UK, asks:
I have turned into a big time wanker and I've started doing it to my friends and in front off people. My wife is getting extremely worried and asked me to consult you.

Join the Labour party. You should fit right in among all the other pricks.