Some problems visitors have sent to us are of a very intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean
NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?
Crabtree', aged 72, of Nottingham, in the UK, asks:
By a timely coincidence, Marcus, we've just published an article which I feel sure will provide the solution to your delicate dilemma. Buy the old bag a 'Harry Potter Rimbutt 2000 wizard's broom.' Not only will this make it unnecessary for you to ask a lady intimate questions, it will convey the subtle message that it's past time the old witch took flight for Heaven (or the other place). With any luck the broom will sweep her into such a state of sexual exhaustion that she'll be too shagged out to bother you.
'Sophie' (17) from Manchester,
in the UK, asks:
Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Shag her. Once she's convinced you're a lezza she can't very well accuse you of shagging her boyfriend, can she? And if she does, you can accuse her of two-timing you. It's a win win situation, Soph.
'David' (15), from
Reno, in the USA asks:
I won't ask how you got cum on your hands when your girlfriend was wanking you off.. But like most teenage American boys, you're not doing it right, David. 'Handjobs', 'blowjobs', and 'fingering' are not going to make your girlfriend pregnant. You need to pop your little weenie into her love tunnel (that's the front door, not the back), and fill her yummy tummy with your man juice. Of course, using the front door may be illegal in Nevada, but provided you move to a country without an extradition treaty with the US, like Andorra, you should be safe from the law.
'Ebony', (15), from Enfield, in the UK, asks:
You haven't given me much to go on so I'm assuming something dreadful has happened in your life, like losing your parents, acquiring a terminal illness or being gang-raped by a colony of lepers suffering from tertiary syphilis. If, on the other hand, you're a typical self-obsessed teenager who's depressed because you're not always the centre of attention, your bum's a bit big and you have a zit on your nose, do us all a favour and chuck yourself off a tower block. Not only is this a lot less painful than cutting yourself with razor blades it will also save the taxpayer the cost of providing you with enough anti-depressants to top yourself.
'Lauren', from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
Our resident grooming expert, Jennifer Gardner, replies: There is a simple remedy for your problem which has been handed down to me from three generations of unnaturally hairy women. Unfortunately, unless you’re dating a fireman it could incinerate your entire family, so try this instead: Each night before retiring to bed, cover your entire nether region with a strip of duct tape. Since your bush is unusually unkempt, you might need to use two strips. If you sleep with a boyfriend, do be sure to warn him about the tape in case he wakes up with morning wood, or he could get rather bent out of shape.
During the course of the night, your pubic hair will grow up and into the adhesive side of the duct tape so that by morning all you’ll need is a quick tug to free yourself from those unsightly hairs. You’ll find that this DIY treatment is much less embarrassing, not to mention cheaper, than professional waxes at beauty salons. On average, a roll of duct tape should last you about three and a half years, or possibly half that long if you decide to include your bum in the treatment.
'Sammie' (14), from Manchester, in the UK, asks:
On the assumption that he was attempting to pick your little cherry, here's what you should do to ensure he never tries it again. Next time you're alone with him, tell him you're going to give him a treat and ask him to drop his trousers. If he's anything like most boys his willy should be out of his pants before you know it. The next bit will involve the use of a large and very heavy book and touching his filthy little chippolata, but provided you wash your hands afterwards and tell him to keep his eyes tightly shut you should be OK. Once the disgusting object is in your hands, place it between the pages of the book and quickly slam the book shut. Then run.
'Neshia' (17), from Miami, in the USA, asks:
Since Florida banned low-slung pants, hoochie skirts and the exposure of any bare skin above the ankle or below the chin, we are getting a lot of letters like yours. Unless you want to remain a virgin until you're married, the only answer is to move to a more liberal state like Texas or break the law and dress like a two bit hooker who puts out like a slot machine.
'Emma' (16), from Newcastle, in the UK, asks:
It's a pity you don't say what the rumour was. It wouldn't have helped much, if at all, but we might have got a giggle out of it. Mind you, speculating about it has amused the entire editorial staff for many hours.
Has it occurred to you that your boyfriend probably asked this girl to start the rumour to make it easier to dump you? Let's face it, if he hates you and won't come anywhere near you, it's over. Imagining yourself to be a sailing ship isn't going to help you much, especially if you try to put to sea. Alternatively, if you meant you've started playing noughts and crosses on your legs and arms with your Dad's razor, your chances of scoring will drop to zero. Nobody wants to shag a horribly scarred Geordie Grunger. I suggest you find a new bus shelter to hang around, flash your tits a bit more and start giving blow jobs to dirty old men in exchange for fags like every other self-respecting chavette.
'Melissa', from Dublin, in Ireland, asks:
What every other good Irish Catholic girl does; drop your knickers, spread your legs and let him shag what little sense you have out of your tiny brain. With any luck, you should get off with three 'Hail Mary's' and an act of contrition. If you give the priest a blow job you may even get to keep the bun that pops out of your oven in nine months time.
'Kevin' (64), from Chertsey, in the UK, asks:
Join the Labour party. You should fit right in among all the other pricks.
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