utterpants
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Two Towers
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Scene 12: Smeagol Goes Fishing
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: The sun rises over a crystal blue lake at the foot of the waterfall at Henneth Annun.

[gurgling]
Fish No.1: Morning.
Fish No.2: Morning.
Fish No.3: Morning.
Fish No.2: Morning.
Fish No.1: Morning.
Fish No.3: Morning.
Fish No.2: Morning.
Fish No.4: Morning.
Fish No.1: Morning.
Fish No.3: What's new?
Fish No.1: Not much.
Fish No.6: Morning.
Fish No.5: Morning.
Fish No.4: Hello.
Fish No.2: Morning.
Fish No.1: Morning.
Fish No.3: Morning.
Fish No.5: Morning.
Fish No.3: Morning.
Fish No.4: Morning.
Fish No.2: Morning.
Fish No.1: Snapper was just asking "what's new?"
Fish No.6: Was he?
Fish No.1: Yeah... mhmm...
Fish No.3: Hey, did you hear? Trout got eaten last week. Something about almondine...
Fish No.2: Did he? Makes you think, doesn't it?
Fish No.6: Mmm.
Fish No.3: I mean, what's it all about?
Fish No.6: Beats me.
Fish No.5: Oh, shit! It's Gollum!
James Haines: Hello, and welcome to Henneth Annun... the place where I take a break to invite you, the audience, to join me, the parody-maker, in "Find the Fish." I'm going to show you a scene with Gollum and ask you to guess where the fish is, but, if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves! Yell out so everyone can hear you. So, here we are with... "Find the Fish."

Gollum: I wonder where that fish has gone.
Smeagol: You did love it so, you looked after it like a son.
Gollum: And it went wherever I did go.
Smeagol: Do the hobbitses have it?
Audience: Yes! Yes! No!
Smeagol: Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.
Gollum: And it went wherever I did go.
Tony: (in audience) It's behind the tree!
Gollum: Where can that little fishy be?
Susan: (in audience) Have you thought of Sam's cooking pot?!
Scott: (in audience) Shh!
Jason: (in audience) Is it behind that cow?
Amy: (in audience) Yeah, behind the cow!
Cow: Moooo!!!
Andy: (in audience) Surely not!
Smeagol: It is a most elusive fish, I'm thinking!
Gollum: And it went wherever I did go.
Smeagol: Never thirsting, ever drinking.
Gollum: A fish, a fish, my wish, a fishy, ooooh.
Smeagol: Clad in mail, never clinking.
Gollum: And Baggins guessed it long ago!
Steve: (in audience) Look behind his back!
Matt: (in audience) Yeah, it's hidden in his shorts!

[gurgling]
Fish No.1: That was terrific!
Fish No.2: Great!
Fish No.4: Wonderful.
Fish No.2: Yeah!
Fish No.5: Yeah.
Fish No.3: Best bit so far.
Fish No.2: Fantastic!
Fish No.1: Yeah.
Fish No.2: Yes! Really great!
Fish No.6: Very piscine.
Fish No5: Ha ha hah.
Fish No.6: Yeah. Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Fish No.4: Oh!
Fish No.6: Ahh.
Fish No.27: Huh?
James Haines: Fish No.27??!! Where the hell did you spring from? I didn't write you in! Bugger off. Go on, go and swim in someone else's pool!
Fish No.27: Heh!

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