Narrator:
From atop his tower of Orthanc, Saruman surveys the flooded and broken
ruin of what was once his formidable domain of Angrenost.
[music]
Saruman: (singing)
Why are we here? What's zis all about?
Is Aragorn ze heir, or is zere some doubt?
Well, tonight, we're going to sort it all out,
For, tonight, it's ze Return of ze King.
In zis tale, what is my fate?
Are zese ents really annoyed-a? May I debate?
Do I ever get ze One
Ring, or is it too late?
Well, tonight, here's ze Return of ze King.
In zis game of power I'm trapped on ze board,
Leaving me stuck here wizout much of a say.
While-a Rohan had fun with ze dimwitted horde,
Of my uruk-cows to slay. Slay, slay, slay, slay, slay, slay.
What's ze point of all zese jokes?
Why does James do zis a third time? What if he chokes?
Well, perhaps, it's all 'cause we kidnapped his folks.
Yes, ca c'est le Return of ze King.
For thousands, zis tale is a lifelong dream,
It's true zis epic work is certainly here to stay.
Though ze purists and fanboys will all yell out a scream,
When asked, "are Frodo and Samwise gay?" Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!?!
So, is ze Ring-- ze Ring, is it near?
And just what—what—what—does-a Sauron fear?
Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For zis is ze Return of ze King. C'est le Retour du Roi.
Zis is ze Return of ze King!
[and now, without any further gilding of the
lily, we present our main feature]
Utterpants (UP) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents
J.R.R. Tolkien's: Return
of the King 
J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Rëtursøn uv den Kungån
Written by:
James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
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