Narrator: The appendices
at the conclusion of the Red Book of Westmarch
go on aimlessly about ancient royal lineages, contradictory chronologies,
the extended family tree of every hobbit that managed to be at Bilbo's
eleventy-first birthday party, comparative calendar systems, and an
exhaustive discussion of the proper pronunciation and grammar of nearly
every language used in Middle Earth. Rather than ramble our way through
all that drivel in this re-telling, let us skip straight ahead to what
all of you really want to know. Namely, what became of the nine
companions that comprised the Fellowship of the Ring after the successful
completion of their quest. Please note that, since this is an appendix,
we shall go about it alphabetically to show no favouritism or displeasure,
actual or implied, of a particular member of the Fellowship.
(aka: Strider, Estel, Elessar Telcontar, Envinyatar, The True King,
As part of an agreement with Master Elrond for the posting of bail money,
Aragorn married Arwen Evenstar and rightfully claimed the throne of
Gondor. This particular move, becoming King, was useful in protecting
him with diplomatic immunity from any further legal action. It's good
to be the King, but taking yet another new name surely didn't hurt considering
the problems Middle Earth's police forces had with updating paperwork
in those days.
Though truly blessed and beloved in his iron-clad eternally binding
marriage to Elrond's daughter Arwen, Aragor—errr... I mean...
"Elessar" was very personally disappointed to discover that elves only
have sex once every seven years no matter how fond of kissing, hugging
and ear fondling they are. Worse still, elven women seem to virtually
loose all interest in such vulgar expressions of affection entirely
after the birth of their first child. One must admit that this does
go some way to explaining the extreme rarity of human-elf relationships
in the long annals of Middle Earth history... not to mention why there
never seemed to even remotely be enough elves around given their lifespans.
There is only one recorded instance when this particular "frustration"
is known to have actually influenced the King's capacity to make decisions
in any way. That was when Elessar sent Faramir, Steward of Gondor, off
to Ithilien as Lord of Emyn Arnen along with his new bride Lady Eowyn
of Rohan because, and I quote, "those two going at it like bleeding
rabbits all ruddy day and all ruddy night is driving me raving mad!"
King Elessar Telcontar would also became renowned late in life for his
raising of exceptional horses. This interest certainly served to further
bring the kingdoms of Rohan and Gondor closer together. Elessar's most
prized stallion after the passing away of Hasufel was one called Hidalgo...
the name translating roughly from Sindarin as "one who runs with great
urgency across very hot sand for no particularly good reason."
Unbeknownst to his compatriots, or even his dear brother Faramir, Lord
Boromir did not die after going over the Falls of Rauros. Nor did he
die after being stung and strung upside down by the loathsome spider
Shelob in her lair of Torech Ungol. It came to pass that Boromir was
eventually discovered by a group of orc children who immediately nicknamed
the proud warrior "Mr. Pi˝ata." Sadly, after a few wild birthday parties
in Cirith Ungol, no further mention, sighting, or rumour of Boromir
was ever heard again—unless, you dear reader, know different...
Having paid the heaviest price of any of the hobbits on the quest, Frodo
tried afterwards to retire in peace and live quietly at Bag End to write
this Tale of the Ring. He also spent many a long hour desperately trying
to make sense of Bilbo's incomplete scribblings.
Deciding one day to leave for the Havens of Mithlond to await completion
of the ship being built to take him to the undying lands, Frodo gave
Bag End and all his remaining wealth to the newlyweds Sam Gamgee and
Rosie Cotton. Only in the undying lands would he ever fully be healed
of the terrible hurts inflicted on him during his time as Ring-bearer
and Frodo could hardly wait to get there.
While staying in a small, but very comfortable beach property on the
Gulf of Lune, Frodo continued working on his composition and even found
time, with the aid of a discarded wooden board from Cirdan's shipyard,
to invent a pastime known as "wave riding." This rapidly caught on with
many of the younger elves living near the Grey Havens and together they
even developed a peculiar language of terms to use with this new sport
upon the water. Frodo himself was always regarded as the best of the
wave riders even given the wondrous dexterity of his elven friends.
It is a matter of record in numerous sources of the time how infamous
he was among them for his "hang nine" maneuver while "threading the
eye" of a "choice wave."
During one "righteous" day of wave riding, Frodo befriended a dolphin
of unusually keen intelligence whom he lovingly named Flipper. It is
a testament to Flipper's loyalty to Frodo that the dolphin followed
the ship carrying Frodo, Bilbo, Elrond, Galadriel, and Gandalf all the
way to the undying lands and there did happily reside near it's shores
and wave riding friend forever more.
(aka: Mithrandir, Tharkun, Olorin, and several others names no longer
With his labours finally complete and still having a good bit of time
to kill before leaving Middle Earth, Gandalf started a highly successful
delivery service aided by the Great Eagles of the Misty Mountains. If
you needed to get something from Edoras to Minas Tirith and it absolutely
had to be there overnight, FEDEX (First Eagle Delivery Express)
was the way to go.
Unfortunately, there was such a heavy demand for FEDEX, that the Eagles
of the North formed a union after only a few months to demand higher
wages and a better veterinary plan. Rather than give in, Gandalf closed
the business and sold off his client list to his fellow wizard Radagast
the Brown, whose struggling parcel delivery service was barely keeping
him in pipeweed. You may have heard his motto, "what can Brown do for
It was shortly after closing FEDEX that Gandalf launched another very
successful commercial endeavour with a chain of bistros selling "Middle
Earth's Crispiest Balrog Wings!" It was at this time that several scholars
noted an alarming decrease in the population of balrogiensis habilis'
— a domesticated sub-species kept for the culinary value of it's
fleshy wing-like appendages. (see scholarly monograph by
Dr Primula Wunderkind PhD). Coincidentally, soon after the last
of the Balrogs disappeared from the Misty Mountains, Gandalf closed
his eateries citing "problems with our supplier."
While consequently being sought out for serious questioning by Eriador's
Animal Species Protection and Conservation Agency (ASPCA), Gandalf was
last seen looking for a fast ship heading west.
After helping see to the repair of Minas Tirith, Gimli returned to Helm's
Deep in Rohan to fully explore the Glittering Caverns of Aglarond. At
his suggestion, the Rohirrim of the Deeping Coomb held a spring music
festival there after a heavy rainstorm threatened to cancel the festivities.
In a bizarre combination of the lighting effects of the caves, Gimli's
combat move inspired dancing, and the harmonic stylings of a new bardic
group called the B and G's... "Diskho" was born.
Catching on like wildfire, the Diskho music craze kept Gimli busy hosting
dance and music competitions as well as overseeing the production of
glittering stone Diskho balls for export to feast halls throughout Middle
Earth. Unfortunately—or mercifully—depending upon
your taste, Diskho proved to be a relatively short lived fad and Gimli
eventually found himself in need of something else to do.
Working for a while as an assistant to the famed Middle Earth historian
and antiquarian, Bingo
Bracegirdle, Gimli was directly responsible for the recovery of
many lost artifacts from the 2nd Age before teaming up with Legolas
Greenleaf once more.
Having heard for the first time the crying of gulls while traveling
with Aragorn and Gimli through the seaward lands of Lebennin, the ancient
and mystic sea-longing of his people stirred within Legolas's elven
breast. Naturally, he answered the call and turned pirate. Receiving
letters of Marque from King Elessar, Legolas signed on with a ship in
Pelargir named the Black Silmaril to attack and pillage the
enemies of Gondor.
So fierce were the crew of the Black Silmaril in battle that
the vessel became a legend in Umbar and Harad as a deadly ghost ship
crewed by undefeatable phantoms. All stuff and nonsense, of course,
but there is no denying the contribution the vessel played in finally
breaking the power of the southern Corsairs and allowing Gondor to reclaim
control of Umbar from the Haradrim.
Meeting up by chance with his old friend Gimli, Legolas convinced the
dwarf to join him in seeing if they could follow a strange nautical
compass that Gimli had found on one of his archeological expeditions.
Supposedly the key to finding the treasure horde of a long lost empire
or some such, the compass was odd in that it didn't point north. Legolas
and Gimli were last seen sailing off into the mists aboard the Black
Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin
(aka: Merry and Pippin)
For two hobbits that started this tale as mere comedic relief, Merry
and Pippin did extraordinarily well for themselves. Merry had won great
honour and renown among the Riders of Rohan who named him Holdwine in
their language. A hobbit with the name "hold wine" might seem redundant,
but it would always be a source of pride for him. Merry wedded Estella
Bolger and later succeeded his father Saradoc as Master of Buckland.
As for Pippin, having been knighted by King Elessar for his services
to Gondor, it was often wondered by hobbits who saw him regularly whether
he ever took his fancy arms and armour off even to sleep. He eventually
married Mistress Diamond of Long Cleeve and managed to became one of
the greatest Thains in Shire history.
Together, Merry and Pippin invested heavily in their lifelong love of
pipeweed, effectively taking over and expanding the industry. This was
an extremely profitable move on their part that went wonderfully for
several decades... right up until a research study was released by the
houses of healing in Minas Tirith directly linking the smoking of pipeweed
to several serious ailments. The avalanche of lawsuits seeking damages
was mindboggling, overwhelming, and finally bankrupting.
The duo headed to the Havens looking for a boat heading west, but
found they had missed the last one by several years. Making their way
to Minas Tirith, Merry and Pippin spent their final days living quite
happily in the company of King Elessar and Queen Arwen.
There are few examples of loyalty, devotion, and faithfulness recorded
in all of hobbit lore to equal those displayed by Samwise Gamgee, steadfast
companion and dearest friend of Frodo Baggins. Yet even after all the
fame and glory his noble deeds rightly earned him, Sam returned home
and humbly took back up his beloved craft of horticulture. Discovering
the magical properties of the remarkable 'dirt' given to him by Galadriel
of Lothlorien (see "box of soil" MP:FotR
Scene 13), Sam toiled throughout the Shire. To the astonishment
of all, Sam's labours blossomed the following year with a summer of
extraordinary beauty and plenty causing Samwise to be revered among
hobbits as the greatest gardener in the history of the Shire.
Sam married Rosie Cotton who bore him thirteen children, the eldest
of which was Elanor the Fair who became a handmaid of Queen Arwen in
Gondor. Though he did not intentionally seek public office, a side effect
of being held in great esteem by his fellow hobbits resulted in Sam's
election as Mayor of Michel Delving no less than seven times. Even a
scandal involving the "sniffing" of the remaining magic elven dust during
his second term failed to undo his popularity.
Sam: Whoa! Everything is so... greeeeen.
In 1434, Shire Reckoning, King Elessar made the Mayor, Sam, the Master
of Buckland, Merry, and the Thain, Pippin, all Counselors of the North-kingdom.
However, these appointments seem mostly to have just been an excuse
for the hobbits to travel to faraway places and get completely legless
at lavish parties.
Sam: Hoy now... you can hardly fault us for that. After
thirteen kids, have you seen the size of Rosie's hips?! I'm ready
to follow Mr. Frodo to the undying lands in a rowboat if I have to!
It should come as no surprise, given his amazing dedication to Frodo,
that Sam was last seen heading out to sea in a rowing boat.
Merry: Wait—WAIT! This can't be the end... I
haven't done a musical number yet!
Pippin: What are you going on about, Merry?
Merry: You know, a musical number. You got to do one
and it clearly states in my contract that the comedy relief shall be
treated equally in all ways.
Pippin: Well, go ahead then. It's not like anyone ever
bothers to look at all the appendix nonsense that authors tack on to
the end of a series like this anyway.
Merry: Ahem. Mee, mee, mee...
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The country where rider's horns call,
Raiding, camping, or feasting,
In the great golden hall.
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The women there are so tall.
You're so near to Isen,
So far from Mordor,
Quite a long way from Harad,
To many miles to Gondor.
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
You make me saddlesore.
You're so sadly neglected,
And often ignored,
When conquest is planned,
By an evil overlord.
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The land where I am adored.
Your horses so swift,
Your prairies of grass,
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
You kick Gondor's ass.
Merry: (ignoring Pippin) Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The country no orc shall pass.
Your horses so swift,
Your prairies of grass,
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
You kick Gondor's ass,
Yes, you kick Gondor's ass.
Pippin: Humph. Feel better now?
Merry: Yeah, a fair bit.
Pippin: Good. Time to go get us a few pints at the
Merry: Too right, Pip!
James Haines: You know, I'd just like to say that
there are many people in the world today who, through no fault of their
own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane
later in their lives. It is up to people like me and anyone crazy enough
to have got through all this, since we are obviously out of our tiny
little minds, to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You
can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and
then you can paint half of your body purple and the other half green
and then you can jump up and down like a sugar-high ferret in a bowl
of treacle going "Poing, Poing, Poing" and then you can go "Ni! Ni!"
and then you can roll around on the floor going "Eowyn, Arwen, Eowyn,
James Haines: Really now... that was entirely
uncalled for! I didn't expect a kind of Khandish Inquisition—
(audience reacts expectantly)
(cut to the Prancing Pony Inn)
(the three members of the Khandish Inquisition suddenly burst out of
the front door and run frantically toward the west gate of Bree)
[closing theme music]
(the trio of Cardinals leap into a carriage pulled by 6 very large black
Ximinez: Two—errr, three to Utterpants
please and don't spare the horses!
(superimposed credits start rolling past)
Biggles: Look, they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on, hurry. Hurry!
(the carriage careens wildly through the Shire)
Ximinez: There's the animation credit, only five left.
(the frantic bumpy ride throws the members of the Khandish Inquisition
around the inside of the carriage)
(the credits reach the producer)
Ximinez: Bloody hell, it's the producer—quick!
(they leap out of the carriage and into Utterpants)
(cut to Utterpants)
(they burst in)
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Khandish—
Ximinez: Oh bugger!