Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Scene 10: Battle of the Pelennor Fields
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: All hope was fading for the defenders of Minas Tirith. A mighty battering ram enchanted by dark magic was breaking through the supposedly impregnable gates of the city while the outer walls were being overrun. Just as the city began to fall to Sauron's horde, a sound was heard from the north that neither besieger nor defender expected to hear... the wildly blowing battle horns of Rohan.

Theoden: Arise! Arise, Riders of Theoden! The enemy is at the very gates of our ally and our lands are to be next! This shall be our day, a red day ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now to Gondor!

Narrator: Roaring like a breaker foaming to the shore, the Rohirrim rode to battle. All manner of orcs, Easterlings, Southrons, and Haradrim were driven and slaughtered before them. Clearing the northern half of the Pelennor of Sauron's forces and reaching the great Causeway Road that runs from the gate of Minas Tirith to the river, King Theoden calls the knights of his house to him.
Theoden: To me! To me, Eorlingas!
Rohirrim: Huh. Uhh. Look out.
Theoden: Alright then. Deorwine, Fastred, and Widfara, you take the buggers on the left flank. Herubrand, Guthlaf, and I...
Rohirrim: Uhh. Ahh.
Theoden: ...will go for the chieftain of the Haradrim.
Guthlaf: Right, sire.
Deorwine: Oh, hang on a tick.
Guthlaf: Yeah.
Deorwine: You'll never make it, sire. Let us come with you.
Theoden: Do as you're told, man!
Deorwine: Of course, Theoden King. Oh, If—if we—if we don't meet again, sire, I'd just like to say it's been a—it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you.
Theoden: Yes, well...
Guthlaf: Yeah.
Theoden: I think this is... hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech, eh? Hah.
Deorwine: No. No, me and the lads realize this, sire, but, well...
Theoden: Ehh.
Deorwine: ...we may never meet again, so... I—
Theoden: Yes, all, all—all right, Deorwine. Thanks a lot.
Deorwine: No, eh, just a moment, sire.
Guthlaf: Look out!
Deorwine: You see... me and the lads, we've had a little whip-around. We bought you something, sire.
Guthlaf: Ahh.
Deorwine: Well, what I really mean is I had the lads roundly whipped until they bought you this...
(Deorwine presents Theoden with a large golden shield)
Guthlaf: Ah. Hhh.
Theoden: Oh. Well, I, I don't know what to say. It's a—it's—it's a lovely thought. Thank you. Uh, thank you all...
Guthlaf: The honour is ours, sire.
Theoden: But—
Widfara: You're welcome.
Theoden: But I-I-I think we'd better get back in the battle now.
Deorwine: Hang on a tick, sire. We got something else for you as well.
Guthlaf: Aah.
Deorwine: Uh.
Rohirrim: Ah. Ah. Ehh...
Deorwine: Sorry, it's another shield... there was a bit of a mix-up. Widfara here thought he was buying the present and Herubrand, Guthlaf, and I had already got the other one.
Theoden: Well, it's—it's beautiful. They're both beautiful.
[pweeng whoosh pweeng]
Widfara: Aah!
Theoden: I—I think we'd better get moving now...
Deorwine: Oh, and Fas—
Theoden: ...and I'll thank you all properly later on.
Guthlaf: Uhh. Ehh.
Deorwine: Fastred got this for you as well, sire. He didn't know about the others. It's a buckler. Gondorian.
Theoden: Oh, well, now that is thoughtful, Fastred. Good man.
Deorwine: And there's a card, sire, from all of us. Sorry about the blood.
Theoden: Thank you all.
Deorwine: Three cheers for Theoden King. Hip hip—
Rohirrim: Hooray!
Deorwine: Hip hip—
Rohirrim: Hooray!
Deorwine: Hip hip—
Deorwine: Oooooh!
Rohirrim: Hooray!
Theoden: Deorwine! Deorwine!
Deorwine: I—I'll be all right. Oh, there's just... one other thing, sire. Guthlaf, give him the cheque.
Guthlaf: Oh, yeah. Uhh.
Theoden: Oh, now, this is really going too far.
Guthlaf: Oh. I don't seem to be able to find it, sire. Uhh, it'll be with—be with the supply column. I'll go and get it.
Theoden: For Eorl's sake, forget it, man!
Guthlaf: You shouldn't have said that, sire. You've hurt his feelings now.
Deorwine: Don't mind me, Guthlaf. Royalty are all the same. One minute it's all "please" and "thank you," and the next... they'll kick you in the teeth!
Fastred: Yeah.
Deorwine: (cough)
Widfara: Let's not give him the cake.
Theoden: I don't want any cake.
Guthlaf: Look... Deorwine cooked it specially for you!
Fastred: Yeah, he saved his rations for weeks, sire.
Theoden: Sorry, I didn't mean to be ungrateful.
Guthlaf: Yeah.
Deorwine: I'll be all right.
Deorwine: (dies) Oh—Ahh!
Guthlaf: Deorwine, Deorwine! Look at him. He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. Some nights we would be so saddlesore we could hardly move, but there Deorwine would be slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds. I mean, you try working up batter while on horseback! There's love in that cake. This man's love... and this man's care... and this man's—
Guthlaf: (dies) ...arrghh!
Theoden: By the Helm of Hammerhand!
Fastred: You heartless old blighter.
Theoden: All right! We will eat the cake! They're right. It's—It's too good a cake not to eat! Get the... plates and knives, Widfara.
Widfara: Yes, sire. How many plates?
Theoden: Six.
Widfara: Fine.
Widfara: Aahh!
Theoden: Uh.
Widfara: (dies) Augh.
Theoden: Oh. Better make it five.
Fastred: Tablecloth, sire?
Theoden: Yes, get the tablecloth.
Fastred: (dies) Aaghh!
Theoden: No, no, no, no. I'll—I'll get the tablecloth and you'd better get the gate-leg table, Herubrand.
Herubrand: Ohh. Aahh! And the little mats, sire?
Theoden: Yes!
Herubrand: Right away, Theoden King.
Theoden: All right. While you're at it, you'd better get a doily!
Herubrand: I'll bring two, sire, in case one gets scrumpled.
[twang, pweeng, whoosh]
Theoden: Okay! Eh.
Narrator: Tragically, it was at this moment that the dread witch-king, chief servant of Sauron, and head Nazgul Who Says "Ni" crashed the large putrid winged creature that is his steed down on King Theoden.
Head Nazgul: You dumb oversized bat—Ni! I said "go, go" not "whoa, whoa!"
Narrator: Seeing the Nazgul's attack, a young Rohirrim changes direction toward where Theoden lays. Leaping from the saddle, the fearless knight moves to defend the King's body. The knight's horse, Windfola, continues galloping right past the Nazgul's foul smelling mount... giving no notice to the halfling clinging to it's saddle.
Eowyn: Begone foul dwimmerlaik, lord of carrion! Leave the dead in peace!
Head Nazgul: I beg your pardon... what?
Eowyn: Look, just Bugger off!
Head Nazgul: Ni! Come not between a Nazgul and his prey! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Eowyn: Owww! Agh!
Head Nazgul: Do you not know the prophecy that foretells no living man shall ever defeat the Nazgul Who Say "Ni?!" Particularly without any shrubbery in sight!
Eowyn: (removing her helmet) I am no man, foul wraith. I am Eowyn, Eomund's daughter, shield maiden of Rohan!

Head Nazgul: Stupid prophecy anyway... you may have a point, but there is one small problem.
Eowyn: What is that?
Head Nazgul: I am now... no longer a Nazgul Who Says "Ni."
[dramatic chord]
Head Nazgul: I am now the Nazgul Who Says "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv."
Eowyn: What?!
Head Nazgul: Yes... and, as such, in order to defeat me... you must knock down the mighty tower of Barad-dur with... a herring!
Eowyn: I shall do no such thing!
Head Nazgul: Oh, please!
Eowyn: Knock down a tower with a herring? It can't be done.
Head Nazgul: Aaaugh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
Eowyn: What word?
Head Nazgul: I cannot tell... suffice to say, this is one of the words the Nazgul Who Say "Ni" cannot hear.
Eowyn: How can I not say the word if you don't tell me what it is?
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! You said it again!
Eowyn: What, "is?"
Head Nazgul: Agh! No, not "is." You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying "is" even if undead.
(Merry suddenly appears out of the surrounding chaos)
Eowyn: Merry!
Merry: Lady Eowyn! It is good I found you again.
Head Nazgul: Now he's said the word!
Eowyn: I thought you had left me to ride off to where the battle is thickest.
Merry: No, no. Far from it.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! He said the word again!
Merry: Theoden made me swear to stick by your side or I'd be in for it.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh!
Merry: The ruddy horse just wouldn't stop long enough for me to jump off of it.

Eowyn: Well, it is a wonder you made it back to me.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
Eowyn: Oh, stop it!
Head Nazgul: ...I cannot hear! Ow! She said it again!
Eowyn: We outnumber it two to one, Merry. Let's get him!
Head Nazgul: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three times I've said "it!" Ohh!
Merry: Right-o, have at it!
Head Nazgul: (dies) Aaaaaauuuuuuuugh... what a world... what a world...
Narrator: With King Theoden avenged by the demise of the Head Nazgul Who Says "Ni," the situation went from bad to worse for the army of Minas Morgul. Prince Imrahil led a sortie from the city with every man of Minas Tirith still able to bear arms. However, it was the unexpected arrival of a fleet of black Umbarian ships filled with Aragorn's army of dead showbiz careers that would cast the final spell of disaster for the forces of Mordor.
Aragorn: Listen, friends. Do you see all those ugly people over there that would never possibly get top billing?drama critics... the whole bally lot of them!
Ghostly Army: Arrr!
Aragorn: Destroy them and your names shall be assured of appearing in the letterbox widescreen extended edition end credits of this feature!
Ghostly Army: Kill... kill... KILL!!!
Narrator: The undead army proved very adept at overwhelming the war-beasts of the Haradrim... much to the happy relief of the Rohirrim and Gondorians that were getting stomped on by them. Of particular note, in an amazing display of elven dexterity and audacity, Legolas managed to single handedly bring down one of the giant Mumakils himself.

Legolas: (sliding down the dying Oliphaunt's trunk) Yabba dabba doo!

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