Narrator: All hope was
fading for the defenders of Minas Tirith. A mighty battering ram enchanted
by dark magic was breaking through the supposedly impregnable gates
of the city while the outer walls were being overrun. Just as the city
began to fall to Sauron's horde, a sound was heard from the north that
neither besieger nor defender expected to hear... the wildly blowing
battle horns of Rohan.
Theoden: Arise! Arise, Riders of Theoden! The enemy
is at the very gates of our ally and our lands are to be next! This
shall be our day, a red day ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now to
Narrator: Roaring like a breaker foaming to the shore,
the Rohirrim rode to battle. All manner of orcs, Easterlings, Southrons,
and Haradrim were driven and slaughtered before them. Clearing the northern
half of the Pelennor of Sauron's forces and reaching the great Causeway
Road that runs from the gate of Minas Tirith to the river, King Theoden
calls the knights of his house to him.
Theoden: To me! To me, Eorlingas!
Rohirrim: Huh. Uhh. Look out.
Theoden: Alright then. Deorwine, Fastred, and Widfara,
you take the buggers on the left flank. Herubrand, Guthlaf, and I...
Rohirrim: Uhh. Ahh.
Theoden: ...will go for the chieftain of the Haradrim.
Guthlaf: Right, sire.
Deorwine: Oh, hang on a tick.
Deorwine: You'll never make it, sire. Let us come with
Theoden: Do as you're told, man!
Deorwine: Of course, Theoden King. Oh, If—if
we—if we don't meet again, sire, I'd just like to say it's been
a—it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you.
Theoden: Yes, well...
Theoden: I think this is... hardly the time or place
for a good-bye speech, eh? Hah.
Deorwine: No. No, me and the lads realize this, sire,
Deorwine: ...we may never meet again, so... I—
Theoden: Yes, all, all—all right, Deorwine. Thanks
Deorwine: No, eh, just a moment, sire.
Guthlaf: Look out!
Deorwine: You see... me and the lads, we've had a little
whip-around. We bought you something, sire.
Deorwine: Well, what I really mean is I had the lads
roundly whipped until they bought you this...
(Deorwine presents Theoden with a large golden shield)
Guthlaf: Ah. Hhh.
Theoden: Oh. Well, I, I don't know what to say. It's
a—it's—it's a lovely thought. Thank you. Uh, thank you all...
Guthlaf: The honour is ours, sire.
Widfara: You're welcome.
Theoden: But I-I-I think we'd better get back in the
Deorwine: Hang on a tick, sire. We got something else
for you as well.
Rohirrim: Ah. Ah. Ehh...
Deorwine: Sorry, it's another shield... there was a
bit of a mix-up. Widfara here thought he was buying the present and
Herubrand, Guthlaf, and I had already got the other one.
Theoden: Well, it's—it's beautiful. They're both
[pweeng whoosh pweeng]
Theoden: I—I think we'd better get moving now...
Deorwine: Oh, and Fas—
Theoden: ...and I'll thank you all properly later on.
Guthlaf: Uhh. Ehh.
Deorwine: Fastred got this for you as well, sire. He
didn't know about the others. It's a buckler. Gondorian.
Theoden: Oh, well, now that is thoughtful, Fastred.
Deorwine: And there's a card, sire, from all of us.
Sorry about the blood.
Theoden: Thank you all.
Deorwine: Three cheers for Theoden King. Hip hip—
Deorwine: Hip hip—
Deorwine: Hip hip—
Theoden: Deorwine! Deorwine!
Deorwine: I—I'll be all right. Oh, there's just...
one other thing, sire. Guthlaf, give him the cheque.
Guthlaf: Oh, yeah. Uhh.
Theoden: Oh, now, this is really going too far.
Guthlaf: Oh. I don't seem to be able to find it, sire.
Uhh, it'll be with—be with the supply column. I'll go and get
Theoden: For Eorl's sake, forget it, man!
Guthlaf: You shouldn't have said that, sire. You've
hurt his feelings now.
Deorwine: Don't mind me, Guthlaf. Royalty are all the
same. One minute it's all "please" and "thank you," and the next...
they'll kick you in the teeth!
Widfara: Let's not give him the cake.
Theoden: I don't want any cake.
Guthlaf: Look... Deorwine cooked it specially for you!
Fastred: Yeah, he saved his rations for weeks, sire.
Theoden: Sorry, I didn't mean to be ungrateful.
Deorwine: I'll be all right.
Deorwine: (dies) Oh—Ahh!
Guthlaf: Deorwine, Deorwine! Look at him. He worked
on that cake like no one else I've ever known. Some nights we would
be so saddlesore we could hardly move, but there Deorwine would be slicing
the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds. I mean, you try working
up batter while on horseback! There's love in that cake. This man's
love... and this man's care... and this man's—
Guthlaf: (dies) ...arrghh!
Theoden: By the Helm of Hammerhand!
Fastred: You heartless old blighter.
Theoden: All right! We will eat the cake! They're right.
It's—It's too good a cake not to eat! Get the... plates and knives,
Widfara: Yes, sire. How many plates?
Widfara: (dies) Augh.
Theoden: Oh. Better make it five.
Fastred: Tablecloth, sire?
Theoden: Yes, get the tablecloth.
Fastred: (dies) Aaghh!
Theoden: No, no, no, no. I'll—I'll get the tablecloth
and you'd better get the gate-leg table, Herubrand.
Herubrand: Ohh. Aahh! And the little mats, sire?
Herubrand: Right away, Theoden King.
Theoden: All right. While you're at it, you'd better
get a doily!
Herubrand: I'll bring two, sire, in case one gets scrumpled.
[twang, pweeng, whoosh]
Theoden: Okay! Eh.
Narrator: Tragically, it was at this moment that the
dread witch-king, chief servant of Sauron, and head Nazgul Who Says
"Ni" crashed the large putrid winged creature that is his steed down
on King Theoden.
Head Nazgul: You dumb oversized bat—Ni! I said
"go, go" not "whoa, whoa!"
Narrator: Seeing the Nazgul's attack, a young Rohirrim
changes direction toward where Theoden lays. Leaping from the saddle,
the fearless knight moves to defend the King's body. The knight's horse,
Windfola, continues galloping right past the Nazgul's foul smelling
mount... giving no notice to the halfling clinging to it's saddle.
Eowyn: Begone foul dwimmerlaik, lord of carrion! Leave
the dead in peace!
Head Nazgul: I beg your pardon... what?
Eowyn: Look, just Bugger off!
Head Nazgul: Ni! Come not between a Nazgul and his
prey! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Eowyn: Owww! Agh!
Head Nazgul: Do you not know the prophecy that foretells
no living man shall ever defeat the Nazgul Who Say "Ni?!" Particularly
without any shrubbery in sight!
Eowyn: (removing her helmet) I am no man, foul wraith.
I am Eowyn, Eomund's daughter, shield maiden of Rohan!
Head Nazgul: Stupid prophecy anyway... you may have
a point, but there is one small problem.
Eowyn: What is that?
Head Nazgul: I am now... no longer a Nazgul Who Says
Head Nazgul: I am now the Nazgul Who Says "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv."
Head Nazgul: Yes... and, as such, in order to defeat
me... you must knock down the mighty tower of Barad-dur with... a herring!
Eowyn: I shall do no such thing!
Head Nazgul: Oh, please!
Eowyn: Knock down a tower with a herring? It can't
Head Nazgul: Aaaugh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
Eowyn: What word?
Head Nazgul: I cannot tell... suffice to say, this
is one of the words the Nazgul Who Say "Ni" cannot hear.
Eowyn: How can I not say the word if you don't tell
me what it is?
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! You said it again!
Eowyn: What, "is?"
Head Nazgul: Agh! No, not "is." You wouldn't get vary
far in life not saying "is" even if undead.
(Merry suddenly appears out of the surrounding chaos)
Merry: Lady Eowyn! It is good I found you again.
Head Nazgul: Now he's said the word!
Eowyn: I thought you had left me to ride off to where
the battle is thickest.
Merry: No, no. Far from it.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! He said the word again!
Merry: Theoden made me swear to stick by your side
or I'd be in for it.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh!
Merry: The ruddy horse just wouldn't stop long enough
for me to jump off of it.
Eowyn: Well, it is a wonder you made it back to me.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
Eowyn: Oh, stop it!
Head Nazgul: ...I cannot hear! Ow! She said it again!
Eowyn: We outnumber it two to one, Merry. Let's get
Head Nazgul: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said
it again! And there again! That's three times I've said "it!" Ohh!
Merry: Right-o, have at it!
Head Nazgul: (dies) Aaaaaauuuuuuuugh... what a world...
what a world...
Narrator: With King Theoden avenged by the demise of
the Head Nazgul Who Says "Ni," the situation went from bad to worse
for the army of Minas Morgul. Prince Imrahil led a sortie from the city
with every man of Minas Tirith still able to bear arms. However, it
was the unexpected arrival of a fleet of black Umbarian ships filled
with Aragorn's army of dead showbiz careers that would cast the final
spell of disaster for the forces of Mordor.
Aragorn: Listen, friends. Do you see all those ugly
people over there that would never possibly get top billing?drama critics...
the whole bally lot of them!
Ghostly Army: Arrr!
Aragorn: Destroy them and your names shall be assured
of appearing in the letterbox widescreen extended edition end credits
of this feature!
Ghostly Army: Kill... kill... KILL!!!
Narrator: The undead army proved very adept at overwhelming
the war-beasts of the Haradrim... much to the happy relief of the Rohirrim
and Gondorians that were getting stomped on by them. Of particular note,
in an amazing display of elven dexterity and audacity, Legolas managed
to single handedly bring down one of the giant Mumakils himself.
Legolas: (sliding down the dying Oliphaunt's trunk)