Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Scene 8: Shelob's Lair
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: With Sam out of the way, Gollum has no difficulty leading Frodo into the ominous passages and caverns of Torech Ungol... the Spider's Lair. It is here that the last of the Great Spiders of Middle Earth has made her den. Shelob, the last of the legendary Ungoliant's brood to survive, was visited by Gollum once before and a bargain of sorts had been made.
Gollum: This way, master, thisss way. Mussst hurry now— Gollum-gollum!

Narrator: As for Sauron, he happily tolerates the giant spider inhabiting this remote pass into his realm. Many are the orcs that are devoured by Shelob's unquenchable hunger, but Sauron has minions to spare and she does a better job guarding his land than any of his expendable servants can manage. Still, the drain on the army of Minas Morgul has strained the ability of the Witch King, the dread leader of the Nazgul who say "Ni," to wage war on Gondor. With Sauron's permission, the Witch King has commissioned a group from Haradriwood to create the second ever Mordor Orc Instructional Service Film. The first one, "How Not to Kill Yourself With Your Own Weapon" wiped out an entire orc clan during its making nearly a thousand years ago and, sadly, hasn't led to any noticeable decrease in orc accidental fatalities since. However, desperate times call for desperate measures and the order is given.

Voice Over: In this film, Sauron hopes to show you worthless gits how not to be seen. This is Corporal Ufthak of Cirith Ungol, Tower Garrison, 2nd Recon Company, 3rd Squad. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Corporal Ufthak, will you stand up please?
(in the distance down a dark tunnel, Corporal Ufthak stands up)
(suddenly, there is a loud bubbling hiss as Shelob pounces on the hapless Ufthak)
Ufthak: Aaaauuggghh—
Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
(cut to another location in Shelob's lair, an empty looking cavern area)
Voice Over: In this cavern we can not see Mr. Boromir of Minas Tirith, Captain of the armies of Gondor, eldest son of Denethor II. Mr. Boromir was evidently dragged all the way up here as something of a drunken lark by a band of orcs who fished his broken and nearly lifeless body out of the river Anduin near Osgiliath. Mr. Boromir, will you stand up please?
Boromir: Hello?Hello? Is someone there?! Please help me, my legs are badly broken and I—
Voice Over: Mr. Boromir has learnt the value of not being seen. However, he is making an excessive amount of noise.
(Shelob springs down on Boromir from above)
Boromir: Aaaiiiieeeeeee--
(cut to another section of deserted cavern)
Voice Over: Mr. Frodo Baggins of Bag End, Hobbiton, in the Shire, has presented us with a poser. Having concealed himself extremely well, he could be almost anywhere. He could be hiding in this abandoned orc outpost. Perhaps inside the rotting water barrel, beneath a pile of debris, up in the eaves of this very cavern, squatting down behind that broken wall, concealed in a niche, or crouched behind any one of a hundred rocks. However, thanks to the sneaky creature Gollum, we have now been informed that he's in the water barrel.
(Shelob shambles up to the barrel and pulls Frodo out)
Frodo: Mmmmelp—
Voice Over: Mr. Samwise Gamgee, of No.3 Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, in the Shire, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. Bruised black and blue over his entire person as if he has fallen down an endless flight of stairs, he is virtually invisible within the gloomy twilight of these passages. Even running in the manner that he is, we see that he has taken our spidery film star by surprise.
(Shelob drops the nearly wrapped up body of Frodo and turns to meet the sound of running furry feet coming toward her)
Voice Over: Here we see he has a sword at the ready... and has now picked up a sword that was dropped by Mr. Baggins as well. Shelob is really in for a shock now as one of her claws has been shorn clean off by this fierce Hobbit. Ouch, I bet that smarts, madame! Now Mr. Gamgee has crawled underneath her and just blinded one of the ol' girl's eyes. It looks like even Shelob the Great could use a good lesson in "How Not To Be Seen" at this moment. With a piercing stab to the belly, she has decided to leap away and regroup. Indeed, it would appear Mr. Gamgee is in for it now. (reaching in to an exposed portion of Frodo's shirt, Sam pulls out the crystal vial of water from Galadriel's fountain)

Sam: Gilthoniel A Elbereth!
Voice Over: Now this won't do at all. Mr. Gamgee has produced some sort of blazing white torch and can very clearly be seen. Having violated the fundamental lesson of this film, Shelob will certainly put a quick end to him.
Voice Over: Instant death will now strike Mr. Gamgee in the blink of an eye.
Voice Over: Yes, any moment now.
(with the searing light of Earendil's Star burning through her wounded head in fiery spasms of bliding pain, Shelob finally rolls aside and scarpers off as fast as her eight crooked legs can manage)
Voice Over: What the—bloody wanking hell! Now that the entire premise for this instructional service film has just been buggered, we have no option but to pack it in. Cut!
Sam: Frodo, Mr. Frodo! Don't leave me here alone! Don't go where I can't follow!
(Sam starts cutting away the spider's threads binding his master as quickly as he can)

Sam: Wake up, Mr. Frodo, sir! Oh, wake up, Frodo. Wake up!
(Sam lays his head upon Frodo's chest but no sign of life can be found)
Sam: Well, there's nothing for it but to go on. I am the last of the Company and the errand must not fail.
(Sam gently removes the chain from around Frodo's neck... the One Ring looks small and harmless dangling from the simple necklace, but the weight of the burden pulls Sam almost to the ground as he slips it over his head)
Sam: By Crikey, that's heavy! Forgive your Sam, my dear master, but I must take your sword. I'll leave my old one here to lie by you. Your star glass will come in handy as well, seeing as you won't mind me borrowing it. Oh, and what do we have here—YES, pocket change!
Voice Over: I tried to tell Sauron this wouldn't fly. "Never work with children and animals," I says to the Big Eye. "Oh no," he goes, "Shelob will be great, you'll see..."

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