Narrator: With Sam out
of the way, Gollum has no difficulty leading Frodo into the ominous
passages and caverns of Torech Ungol... the Spider's Lair. It is here
that the last of the Great Spiders of Middle Earth has made her den.
Shelob, the last of the legendary Ungoliant's brood to survive, was
visited by Gollum once before and a bargain of sorts had been made.
Gollum: This way, master, thisss way. Mussst hurry
Narrator: As for Sauron, he happily tolerates the giant
spider inhabiting this remote pass into his realm. Many are the orcs
that are devoured by Shelob's unquenchable hunger, but Sauron has minions
to spare and she does a better job guarding his land than any of his
expendable servants can manage. Still, the drain on the army of Minas
Morgul has strained the ability of the Witch King, the dread leader
of the Nazgul who say "Ni," to wage war on Gondor. With Sauron's permission,
the Witch King has commissioned a group from Haradriwood to create the
second ever Mordor Orc Instructional Service Film. The first one, "How
Not to Kill Yourself With Your Own Weapon" wiped out an entire orc clan
during its making nearly a thousand years ago and, sadly, hasn't led
to any noticeable decrease in orc accidental fatalities since. However,
desperate times call for desperate measures and the order is given.
Voice Over: In this film, Sauron hopes to show you
worthless gits how not to be seen. This is Corporal Ufthak of Cirith
Ungol, Tower Garrison, 2nd Recon Company, 3rd Squad. He can not be seen.
Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Corporal Ufthak, will you stand
(in the distance down a dark tunnel, Corporal Ufthak stands up)
(suddenly, there is a loud bubbling hiss as Shelob pounces on the hapless
Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not
(cut to another location in Shelob's lair, an empty looking cavern area)
Voice Over: In this cavern we can not see Mr. Boromir
of Minas Tirith, Captain of the armies of Gondor, eldest son of Denethor
II. Mr. Boromir was evidently dragged all the way up here as something
of a drunken lark by a band of orcs who fished his broken and nearly
lifeless body out of the river Anduin near Osgiliath. Mr. Boromir, will
you stand up please?
Boromir: Hello?Hello? Is someone there?! Please help
me, my legs are badly broken and I—
Voice Over: Mr. Boromir has learnt the value of not
being seen. However, he is making an excessive amount of noise.
(Shelob springs down on Boromir from above)
(cut to another section of deserted cavern)
Voice Over: Mr. Frodo Baggins of Bag End, Hobbiton,
in the Shire, has presented us with a poser. Having concealed himself
extremely well, he could be almost anywhere. He could be hiding in this
abandoned orc outpost. Perhaps inside the rotting water barrel, beneath
a pile of debris, up in the eaves of this very cavern, squatting down
behind that broken wall, concealed in a niche, or crouched behind any
one of a hundred rocks. However, thanks to the sneaky creature Gollum,
we have now been informed that he's in the water barrel.
(Shelob shambles up to the barrel and pulls Frodo out)
Voice Over: Mr. Samwise Gamgee, of No.3 Bagshot Row,
Hobbiton, in the Shire, chose a very cunning way of not being seen.
Bruised black and blue over his entire person as if he has fallen down
an endless flight of stairs, he is virtually invisible within the gloomy
twilight of these passages. Even running in the manner that he is, we
see that he has taken our spidery film star by surprise.
(Shelob drops the nearly wrapped up body of Frodo and turns to meet
the sound of running furry feet coming toward her)
Voice Over: Here we see he has a sword at the ready...
and has now picked up a sword that was dropped by Mr. Baggins as well.
Shelob is really in for a shock now as one of her claws has been shorn
clean off by this fierce Hobbit. Ouch, I bet that smarts, madame! Now
Mr. Gamgee has crawled underneath her and just blinded one of the ol'
girl's eyes. It looks like even Shelob the Great could use a good lesson
in "How Not To Be Seen" at this moment. With a piercing stab to the
belly, she has decided to leap away and regroup. Indeed, it would appear
Mr. Gamgee is in for it now. (reaching in to an exposed portion of Frodo's
shirt, Sam pulls out the crystal vial of water from Galadriel's fountain)
Sam: Gilthoniel A Elbereth!
Voice Over: Now this won't do at all. Mr. Gamgee has
produced some sort of blazing white torch and can very clearly be seen.
Having violated the fundamental lesson of this film, Shelob will certainly
put a quick end to him.
Voice Over: Instant death will now strike Mr. Gamgee
in the blink of an eye.
Voice Over: Yes, any moment now.
(with the searing light of Earendil's Star burning through her wounded
head in fiery spasms of bliding pain, Shelob finally rolls aside and
scarpers off as fast as her eight crooked legs can manage)
Voice Over: What the—bloody wanking hell! Now
that the entire premise for this instructional service film has just
been buggered, we have no option but to pack it in. Cut!
Sam: Frodo, Mr. Frodo! Don't leave me here alone! Don't
go where I can't follow!
(Sam starts cutting away the spider's threads binding his master as
quickly as he can)
Sam: Wake up, Mr. Frodo, sir! Oh, wake up, Frodo. Wake
(Sam lays his head upon Frodo's chest but no sign of life can be found)
Sam: Well, there's nothing for it but to go on. I am
the last of the Company and the errand must not fail.
(Sam gently removes the chain from around Frodo's neck... the One
Ring looks small and harmless dangling from the simple necklace,
but the weight of the burden pulls Sam almost to the ground as he slips
it over his head)
Sam: By Crikey, that's heavy! Forgive your Sam, my
dear master, but I must take your sword. I'll leave my old one here
to lie by you. Your star glass will come in handy as well, seeing as
you won't mind me borrowing it. Oh, and what do we have here—YES,
Voice Over: I tried to tell Sauron this wouldn't fly.
"Never work with children and animals," I says to the Big Eye. "Oh no,"
he goes, "Shelob will be great, you'll see..."