Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Narrative Interlude: Siege of Gondor
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: With the failure of Faramir's charge, the horde of Sauron was all but unstoppable. Only the Rammas Echor, the outer defense works of Minas Tirith, stood in their way. With only the slightest of pauses in the advance, the Rammas, which had been constructed and maintained at great effort and cost, was blasted open far and wide.
Denethor: (off screen) Well, that's that. We're doomed!
Narrator: Through these breaches the host of Mordor poured in... toward the unprotected townlands of Gondor where they burned every home and farm at their passing. However, the brief respite afforded by Faramir's sorte and the Rammas wall did allow for Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth to arrive with seven hundred sturdy Dunedain of Belfalas. Attended by a full company of cavalry, Imrahil's force is a very welcome reinforcement of the Minas Tirith garrison.
Denethor: (off screen) It makes no difference, the West has failed!
Narrator: Laying siege to the city, the army of Mordor covers the land as far as the eyes watching from the city walls can see.

Denethor: Doomed, I tell you! We are all going to burn—
Gandalf: Will you stop that?! The defenses will hold until the arrival of Rohan!
Denethor: It's too late for that! I can't stand it anymore, we can't get out of here... we are all going to burn! Burn I say—
Pippin: My apologies, my lord, but get a grip!
Beregond: Gentle halfling, please, let me handle this.
(Beregond grabs Denethor by the shoulders and starts shaking him)
Denethor: Burn! Burn, I sa—
Beregond: Pull it together already!
Imrahil: Easy now, Beregond, I'll take care of this.
Denethor: In fire we will—
Imrahil: Calm down and get a hold of yourself!
Gandalf: Prince Imrahil, you're needed by your men.
Imrahil: Oh, alright. Can I have just one more go...?
Denethor: No use! We will all die in a fiery inferno of—
(Gandalf grabs Denethor and throws him around violently)
Gandalf: Everything's going to be O-[slap, shake, slap]-kay!
Narrator: It was at this point that Pippin noticed that a long line of people had formed to "help" the delirious Steward of Gondor. There were at least two dozen men of the Tower Guards, a constipated looking nun, 3 Klingons, a posh-looking tart, several audience members, a group of Vikings, the entire cast of Only Fools and Horses, and a foreign looking knight with a rubber chicken.
Pippin: Hoy!
Gandalf: Pay them no mind, Pippin. With Denethor being a barmy nutter, it appears that I'm in charge now.
Pippin: Hurray, we're saved!
Gandalf: Of course, I can only hope that the horrendous streak of bad luck I've been having since the 2nd age will not work against us.

Pippin: Oh, right. The whole Gandalf "out of the frying pan and into the fire" theme we've been going with. For a moment there I nearly forgot how screwed I am.

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