Narrator: With the coming
of the dawn, word spreads of another addition to the Rohirrim encampment
at Dunharrow. A contingent of elves has arrived from Rivendell with
urgent business concerning Aragorn.
Elrond: We have brought you your sword.
Audience Members Who Read The Books: It's about ruddy
damn time, isn't it?!
Aragorn: The shards of Narsil have been reforged!
Elrond: Yes, Aragorn, become who you were born to be.
Aragorn: A new name it shall have... Andúril, Flame
of the West!
Elrond: Whatever, I'm just glad to finally have Arwen
stop nagging me, "give him the sword of the King, father... what about
now, your smith's aren't even doing anything... can you give
him the sword now... he needs the sword... can you have the sword reforged
and given to him... if he is ever going to be King, he needs
the sword... can he have the sword yet... what about now, can you have
the sword reforged now?!"
Aragorn: ...why did I just have a horrifying foreshadowing
of what to expect from being married?
Elrond: Oh, I wouldn't fret about it overmuch. You
still have several perfectly good opportunities to get yourself killed,
so there is still the off chance you could get out of it.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Glorfindel finally finds a way
to get into this tale when he ends up leading an elven security patrol
around the perimeter of Elrond's large meeting tent. Rounding a corner,
Glorfindel catches the dwarf Gimli painting "ELDAR NA RATA ABAD!" on
one of the thick external walls of Elrond's luxurious tent.
Glorfindel: What's this, then? Eldar na rata adab?
"People-of-the-Stars towards their path the building?"
Gimli: It—it says, "Elves go home."
Glorfindel: No, it doesn't. First off, "Eldar" is an
antiquated noun for the "elven people" in Quenya while the rest of the
sentence is in Sindarin. One simply does NOT mix high-elven with grey-elven
in this way... it just isn't done! What's the Sindarin for "elf?"
Glorfindel: Come on!
Glorfindel: Tengwar mode...
Gimli: Uh, uh—"ljr?"
Glorfindel: Vocative plural of "edhel" is...
Gimli: Eh... edhil?
Glorfindel: Edhil. Rata? What is "rata?"
Gimli: Follow path. You know, to—
Glorfindel: Really now, what is the Sindarin verb "to
Gimli: I-is it Bedi?
Glorfindel: That's the infinitive. What you need here
is the imperative. Come on, what's the imperative?!
Gimli: Eh... bedir?
Glorfindel: No! That's the present tense! Bloody hell,
Gimli, if you aren't even going to think it through, you might as well
have written this in Khuzdul!
Gimli: Errr, well...
Glorfindel: Try again. The imperative...
Gimli: Uh—bado! It's bado!
Glorfindel: Now, then... abad. Bâr is the word for
"home," you dwarvish git. Using "abad" is all wrong.
Glorfindel: What is the original stem word for home
Gimli: Ah. Ah, mbâr!
Glorfindel: And... after the preposition "na" you would
Gimli: The... uh—the "b" of the object to change
to a "v?"
Gimli: Unless th—the stem of the object begins
Glorfindel: In which case...
Gimli: I-it changes into, into—
Gimli: Into, ummm—into... "mâr?"
Gimli: Aaah! Ah.
Glorfindel: Understand it all now?
Gimli: Yes, yes—"Edhil bado na mâr!"
Glorfindel: Right you are, "Elves go home." Now, write
it out a hundred times.
Gimli: Yes, right away... thank you!
Glorfindel: You're welcome. However... I should tell
you, if you mess it up one more time while we are watching you, we'll
cut your greasy bearded balls off. Now, get cracking!
Gimli: Ulp—Yes, of course!
(several hours later, Gimli has finished painting "EDHIL BADO NA MÂR!"
one hundred times... covering the outside walls all around Elrond's
tent with the phrase in the process)
Gimli: Oh. Mmm! Finished!
Glorfindel: Right. Now don't do it again!
(just as Glorfindel and his security detachment walk off and Gimli slumps
against a nearby tree in exhaustion, Elrond and Aragorn emerge from
inside the tent)
Elrond: What th—HEY!!!
Gimli: Awww flűk nin.
Narrator: The elves of the house of Elrond proceed
to chase the highly motivated Gimli throughout the ancient fortifications
of Dunharrow for most of the afternoon and evening. Finally, while Gimli
is cleverly disguised as a snoring pile of kitchen rags in a remote
broom closet, Elrond calls off the hunt for the vertically challenged
graffiti vandal on the basis that Gimli had amazingly managed to at
least spell all the elvish words correctly.