Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Narrative Interlude: Eldar Na Rata Abad!
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: With the coming of the dawn, word spreads of another addition to the Rohirrim encampment at Dunharrow. A contingent of elves has arrived from Rivendell with urgent business concerning Aragorn.
Elrond: We have brought you your sword.

Audience Members Who Read The Books: It's about ruddy damn time, isn't it?!
Aragorn: The shards of Narsil have been reforged!
Elrond: Yes, Aragorn, become who you were born to be.
Aragorn: A new name it shall have... Andúril, Flame of the West!

Elrond: Whatever, I'm just glad to finally have Arwen stop nagging me, "give him the sword of the King, father... what about now, your smith's aren't even doing anything... can you give him the sword now... he needs the sword... can you have the sword reforged and given to him... if he is ever going to be King, he needs the sword... can he have the sword yet... what about now, can you have the sword reforged now?!"
Aragorn: ...why did I just have a horrifying foreshadowing of what to expect from being married?
Elrond: Oh, I wouldn't fret about it overmuch. You still have several perfectly good opportunities to get yourself killed, so there is still the off chance you could get out of it.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Glorfindel finally finds a way to get into this tale when he ends up leading an elven security patrol around the perimeter of Elrond's large meeting tent. Rounding a corner, Glorfindel catches the dwarf Gimli painting "ELDAR NA RATA ABAD!" on one of the thick external walls of Elrond's luxurious tent.
Glorfindel: What's this, then? Eldar na rata adab? "People-of-the-Stars towards their path the building?"
Gimli: It—it says, "Elves go home."
Glorfindel: No, it doesn't. First off, "Eldar" is an antiquated noun for the "elven people" in Quenya while the rest of the sentence is in Sindarin. One simply does NOT mix high-elven with grey-elven in this way... it just isn't done! What's the Sindarin for "elf?"
Gimli: Ummm.
Glorfindel: Come on!
Gimli: E-edhel?
Glorfindel: Tengwar mode...
Gimli: Uh, uh—"ljr?"
Glorfindel: Vocative plural of "edhel" is...
Gimli: Eh... edhil?
Glorfindel: Edhil. Rata? What is "rata?"
Gimli: Follow path. You know, to—
Glorfindel: Really now, what is the Sindarin verb "to go?"
Gimli: I-is it Bedi?
Glorfindel: That's the infinitive. What you need here is the imperative. Come on, what's the imperative?!
Gimli: Eh... bedir?
Glorfindel: No! That's the present tense! Bloody hell, Gimli, if you aren't even going to think it through, you might as well have written this in Khuzdul!
Gimli: Errr, well...
Glorfindel: Try again. The imperative...
Gimli: Uh—bado! It's bado!
Glorfindel: Now, then... abad. Bâr is the word for "home," you dwarvish git. Using "abad" is all wrong.
Gimli: Oh.
Glorfindel: What is the original stem word for home then?
Gimli: Ah. Ah, mbâr!
Glorfindel: And... after the preposition "na" you would expect...?
Gimli: The... uh—the "b" of the object to change to a "v?"
Glorfindel: Unless...
Gimli: Unless th—the stem of the object begins with "mb."
Glorfindel: In which case...
Gimli: I-it changes into, into—
Glorfindel: Yes?
Gimli: Into, ummm—into... "mâr?"
Glorfindel: Mâr.
Gimli: Aaah! Ah.
Glorfindel: Understand it all now?
Gimli: Yes, yes—"Edhil bado na mâr!"
Glorfindel: Right you are, "Elves go home." Now, write it out a hundred times.
Gimli: Yes, right away... thank you!
Glorfindel: You're welcome. However... I should tell you, if you mess it up one more time while we are watching you, we'll cut your greasy bearded balls off. Now, get cracking!
Gimli: Ulp—Yes, of course!
(several hours later, Gimli has finished painting "EDHIL BADO NA MÂR!" one hundred times... covering the outside walls all around Elrond's tent with the phrase in the process)

Gimli: Oh. Mmm! Finished!
Glorfindel: Right. Now don't do it again!
(just as Glorfindel and his security detachment walk off and Gimli slumps against a nearby tree in exhaustion, Elrond and Aragorn emerge from inside the tent)
Elrond: What th—HEY!!!
Gimli: Awww flűk nin.
Narrator: The elves of the house of Elrond proceed to chase the highly motivated Gimli throughout the ancient fortifications of Dunharrow for most of the afternoon and evening. Finally, while Gimli is cleverly disguised as a snoring pile of kitchen rags in a remote broom closet, Elrond calls off the hunt for the vertically challenged graffiti vandal on the basis that Gimli had amazingly managed to at least spell all the elvish words correctly.

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