Narrator: On the east side of the river Anduin, in the blasted misshapen ruins of once proud Osgiliath, Sauron marshals his forces for the assault on the world of men.
Orcs: (talking and mumbling)
Nagrat: Now, whose turn is it to go on patrol?
All Orcs: Not mine!
Nagrat: Come on, now. It's not like we're sending you all out to get slaughtered at once. Now, uh, Mazhug, Horkhuth, Oghared, Brogagh, Raguk, Alog, Kertug, Wogiug, Sgok, Quomaugh, Mugarod, Egnaurd, Argha, Dalthu, and Sunadagh, it's your duty rotation.
Selected Orcs: Aww, Nagrat!
Nagrat: Now, don't argue! Lauhgog, Arpigig, Naugraf, Ulmagha, Surbag, Nornuogh—
Guthakug: Wait! I've got something to tell the whole clan.
Nagrat: Oh, quick. Go bring the others in, Karguk.
Orcs: What could it be, eh? Shhh...

Guthakug: The command is given! There's no way out of it. We attack.
Orcs: (talking frantically)
Guthakug: Come on, gather 'round. I've got no option but to lead you all in desperate battle.
Orcs: (whining)
Guthakug: No, no. That's the way it is, my ugly ones. Blame the dark lord for not letting me get us assigned to the national guard. Oh, he's done some wonderful things in his time. Sauron preserved the malfeasance and depravity, the power of diabolical evil in Middle Earth, and the inequitableness of might makes right, but if he'd have let me get us posted at a cushy guard tower on the far east side of Mordor, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
Karguk: But we barely outnumber Gondor 10 to 1... we're going to get massacred!
Raguk: Couldn't you have just put us all on sick-call?
Guthakug: The Eye knows all, Raguk. He would see through such a cheap trick!
Nagrat: Ehhh, he's right. We just have to play the part we've been cast, lads.
Guthakug: You see, in this genre—
[piano music]
Guthakug: Well, let me put it like this.
(singing)
There is evil in Middle Earth.
There are ogres.
There are dragons and trolls, and then...
There are uruk-cows that follow Saruman, but—
I've never seen one of them.
[music]
Guthakug: I'm an orc of Mordor,
And have been since the day I was hatched,
And the one thing the Big Eye tells me is:
We've got ourselves a ring needing snatched!

You don't have to dress fancy.
You don't have to have any style.
You don't have to ever take a bath, no, you're...
An orc that puts the "ill" in "vile!"
Because,
Every orc is revolting.
Our smell will nauseate.
When orcs die like lemming',
The Eye gets quite irate.
All Orcs: We are all revolting.
We can't dodge our fate.
And when we die like lemming',
The Eye gets quite irate.
Dismembered Orc: So elves and men may kill us,
On the battleground...
Sauron shall make them pay when,
His precious ring is found.
Young Orcs: Every orc is required.
Every orc and clan.
Every orc is needed,
In our dark lord's plan.
Nagrat: Our quality control,
Shows something just ain't right,
When it takes a bloody two dozen orcs,
Just to kill one knight!
Male Orcs: Every orc is revolting.
[clunk]
Male Orcs: Our smell will nauseate.
Female Orcs: When orcs die like lemming'...
Young Orcs: ...the Eye gets quite irate.
Guthakug: Every orc is wretched.
Karguk and Raguk: Every orc and clan.
Nazgul: Every orc is needed...
Sauron: ...IN MY BATTLE PLAN!

Young Orcs: Every orc is hideous.
Every orc's filthy.
Guthakug: But Sauron needs every one of us.
Karguk: Me!
Raguk: And me!
Dismembered Orc: And me!
(orc tap dancing)
Nagrat: Let the Witch-King send us,
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
Cave Trolls: The Big Eye shall twist his balls for,
Each orc that's killed in vain.
All of Mordor: Every orc is required.
Every orc and clan.
Every orc is needed,
In our dark lord's plan.
(Mount Doom erupts in fire)
Every orc is revolting.
Their smell will nauseate.
When orcs die like lemming',
The Eye... gets... quite... iraaaaate!
Narrator: Arriving at Minas Tirith, Gandalf and Pippin notice the fires on the eastern horizon raging up from Orodruin. Seeing the billowing clouds of dark smoke pouring forth into the sky and spreading towards them, they pause for a moment to contemplate just what this dread omen foretells.
Gandalf: It would appear we have arrived just in time.
Pippin: Yes, wonderful. The whole host of Mordor should be here soon after our hides. At least Merry will get to live through this... the lucky wanker.