Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Scene 3: The Muster of Røhän
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: The rapid departure of Gandalf further increased the anxiety of the Rohirrim mustering at Dunharrow. The great epic battle of this age draws near at hand and Theoden King vows to equip and train every man of Rohan capable of holding a spear or sword—or a garden rake.
Theoden: Our time to prepare grows short, Gamling. When the time comes to depart, we will not be waiting for any stragglers.
Gamling: Yes, sire, of course.
Theoden: Well, don't just stand there, let's get our inspection tour over with and get some tea down our necks.
Gamling: Right! Make way for Theoden King!

(Theoden passes by a group of young Rohirrim training for battle)
Theoden: Get some discipline into those chaps, Eothain!
Eothain: Right sire! Good morning, men.
Rohirrim: (mumbling) Good morning.
Eothain: Where's all the others, then?
Rohirrim: They're not here.
Eothain: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
Rohirrim: Dunno.
Eomond: Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Eothain: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha—right. Now, team; self-defence. Today I shall be carrying on from where we got to yesterday when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(the group of young Rohirrim all start grumbling)
Framund: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit today.
Eothain: What do you mean?
Galmud: We've done fruit the last nine days.
Eothain: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Framund: Can't we do something else?
Erither: Like, what if an orc attacks you with a pointed stick?
Eothain: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh... we want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Well I'll tell you something, my lad. When you're walking back to your tent tonight and some great homicidal Haradrim comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your foe lunges at you with a passion fruit—
Rohirrim: We done the passion fruit.
Eothain: What?
Eomond: We done the passion fruit already.
Framund: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
Galmud: Whole and segments.
Framund: Pomegranates, greengages...
Eomond: Grapes, passion fruit... Oh sorry, I said that already. Blackberries, Sloes..
Framund: Lemons...
Galmud: Plums...
Eomond: Mangoes in syrup...
Eothain: How about cherries?
Rohirrim: We did them.
Eothain: When?
Rohirrim: Tuesday. No, that was redcurrents. Wednesday then.
Eothain: Red and black?
Rohirrim: Yes!
Eothain: All right, bananas, then.

(all of the Rohirrim sigh loudly)
Eothain: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against an orc armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against an orc armed with a banana. First of all, you force him to drop the banana. Then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.
Framund: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Eothain: Shut up.
Erither: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Eothain: Shut up! Right, now you, Mr. Apricot.
Eomond: Eomond.
Eothain: Sorry, Mr. Eomund. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like you mean it, man! That's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on, come at me! Come at me then!
(Eothain pulls out a crossbow and shoots Eomond)
Eomond: (dies) Aaagh!
Eothain: Now, I eat the banana.
Framund: You shot him!
Galmud: He's dead!
Erither: He's completely dead!
Eothain: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Apricot, is now 'elpless.
Framund: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Eothain: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
Galmud: But you told him to.
Eothain: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
Erither: And pointed sticks.
Eothain: Shut up.
Framund: Suppose I'm attacked by an orc with a banana and I haven't got a crossbow?
Eothain: Run for it.
Galmud: You could stand and scream for help.
Eothain: You try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
Galmud: A pineapple?
Eothain: Where? Where?!
Galmud: No, no... I just said "a pineapple." It was meant rhetorically, like.
Eothain: Oh. Phew... I thought my number was up there for a minute.
Galmud: What, on the pineapple?
Eothain: Where? Where?!
Galmud: No, I was just repeating it.
Eothain: Oh. Oh, I see. Phew, right, that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are... harmless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr. Golden Delicious.
Galmud: Galmud.
Eothain: Galmud. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
Galmud: No.
Eothain: Why not?
Galmud: You'll shoot me.
Eothain: I won't.
Galmud: You shot Eomond.
Eothain: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.
Erither: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
Eothain: Shut up. Come on, don't pussy foot around. Brandish that raspberry like a man. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
Galmud: Throw the crossbow away.
Eothain: I haven't got a crossbow.
Galmud: You have.
Eothain: Haven't.
Galmud: You shot Eomond with it.
Eothain: Oh, that crossbow.
Galmud: Throw it away.
Eothain: Oh, all right then. How to defend yourself against a raspberry... without a crossbow.
Galmud: You were going to shoot me!
Eothain: I wasn't!
Galmud: You were!
Eothain: No, I wasn't. Really I wasn't. Come on then, come at me you lily-livered nancy boy. Do your worst! Come on, you spineless little man. You limp-wristed vegetable, stick it to me with that vicious-looking raspberry.
(Eothain pulls a lever on a nearby post causing a 16-ton weight to fall on Galmud)
Galmud: (dies) Aaagh—
Eothain: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.
Framund: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
Eothain: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
Framund: How many 16-ton weights are there?
Eothain: Look, Mr. Know-it-all. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
Erither: Like what?
Eothain: Putting a crossbow bolt through him?
Framund: What if you haven't got a crossbow or a 16-ton weight?
Eothain: Look, look... alright, smarty-pants. You two, yes... you two. Come at me then with greegages. Come on, both of you. Whole basket each.
Framund: No crossbows?
Eothain: No.
Framund: No 16-ton weights?
Eothain: No.
Erither: No pointed sticks?
Eothain: Shut up.
Framund: No avalanche of rocks?
Eothain: No.
Framund: And you won't kill us?
Eothain: I won't.
Framund: Promise?
Eothain: I promise I won't kill you. Now, are you going to attack me?
Framund and Erither: Oh, all right.
Eothain: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn my back. Sneak up behind me—close behind me... then in with the fruit! Right? Okay, start moving. Now, the first thing to do when you're being stalked by bloodthirsty invaders armed to the teeth with two whole baskets of greengages is to—release the tiger!
Rohirrim: Run AWAY!
Eothain: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe, but also the greengages. Tigers, however, do NOT relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right! Now, the rest of you. Where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your raisins and prunes. Well, come on... I'm ready for you!
(the tiger runs right past Theoden and Gamling)
Gamling: What in blazes was that?
Theoden: A tiger!
Gamling: What? A tiger... in Rohan?!
Theoden: Hm?
Gamling: A tiger in Rohan?!?
Theoden: No, no, NO! We are not going through that bit again!
Merry: Greetings, Theoden King.
Theoden: Well, hail meet there Master Meriadoc!
Merry: Sire, I wish to pledge my sword to you for the coming battle.

Theoden: That's very kind of you, my dear little Holbytlan, but wouldn't that... leave you rather unprotected?
Merry: Errr... well, sire, I was hopin' to be using it myself in your service.
Theoden: Oh—honestly?
Gamling: Well, he would be good at catching any knee level dangers that may come our way.
Theoden: I suppose, but... ah-hah! Here is a capital idea... since Eowyn will be in charge of the paltry few civilians we are leaving behind, I need someone I can trust not to get into any mischief to be her babysi—errr... what I meant to say, of course, was to be her "bodyguard."
Gamling: Right!
Merry: With Pippin gone, your lordship, I think I can say I've got at least a 50-50 shot at staying out of trouble.
Theoden: Splendid, it is settled then!
Gamling: Let's go and get you some armour, King's Esquire Meriadoc, and tell Eowyn the good news.
[distant screams]
(the tiger runs past going in the other direction)
Merry: (mumbling as he watches the tiger go by) So, I'm to be stuck on the boring sidelines... Pippin is such a lucky wanker!

Back Next

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!

© 2005 - Parody by James Haines. Design and construction utterpants.co.uk


Monty Python: The Return of the King Monty Python: The Return of the King
Lord of the Rings Parody
Lord of the Rings Parody
Lord of the Rings Parody
Monty Python: The Lord of the RingsMonty Python: The Lord of the Rings James Haines' Comedic Masterpiece
Funny LOTR parodyLord of the Scrolls threatens Middle-Earth with a tide of cinematic mediocrity
Gaultier's LairGaultier's Lair
A tall tale of appalling fashion sense and mindless shopping
A hot hobbit in tight leather pants gets luckyAt the Sign of the Dancing Donkey A hot hobbit in tight leather pants gets lucky
Ringwraiths terrorize English Town Undead Ghouls terrorize English Town in hunt for magic ring
The private Diary of a very disturbed HobbitFrodo Baggins Private Diary
What the dirty little Robbit really did with the Ring
LOTR sequel stolen!
Lord of the Rings move sequel stolen!

If you would rather read Monty Python: Return of the King offline in PDF format please click the PDF icon below. The PDF is designed to print on European A4 paper (210 x 297mm) and is very nicely formatted! Please note that this is a LARGE file, 1.4MB in size that may take some time to download if you only have a 56k dial-up connection.

Lord of the Rings Parody
Download PDF Download PDF
Lord of the Rings Parody
Get Acrobat Reader