Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Scene 2: Pippin and the Palantir
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: Dark shapes move in the night. Two slight figures, barely perceptible amongst the darkness of the long shadows cast by the moon, make their way through a sleeping camp of Rohirrim towards some secret goal.
Muffled Voice: Hehe—

Muffled Voice: Shhh, shhh!
Narrator: Having attained their prize, the two furry footed pranksters plot their next course of action.
Pippin: Oh, I know! Let's call for Mr. I. P. Freely this time.
Merry: Nah, too obvious... how 'bout Ben Dover?
Pippin: Heh... good one! Or what about having Sauron ask if anyone has seen Primrose Hill?
Merry: Been UP Primrose Hill you mean. Ha ha—yes! That should be even better than when you got him to ask if anyone had seen Mike Rotch last night!
Pippin: Hehe, oh yeah! I'll bet his flamin' red eye is still smoldering over that—

Merry and Pippin: Nothin'!
Gandalf: Reeeeaaally?! That wouldn't happen to be my bag containing a certain Palantir that you are hiding behind you, would it?
Pippin: N—nooo, of course not!
Gandalf: A seeing-stone of Eldamar is not a toy, using it would be disastrous!
Merry: Using it... would... oh no—
Pippin: Easy now Merry! Heh. So let's just suppose, Gandalf, say, that someone did use it...
Merry: Yes... just suppose, by accident, maybe—
Pippin: Yeah, right, by accident, of course!
Gandalf: Then I should say one would have to suppose that they have alerted the most powerful evil presence in Middle Earth to exactly where they are and what they are doing.
Merry: Oh.
Pippin: Oh...
Gandalf: And, let's just suppose, that this certain someone has in any way annoyed a dark lord capable of sending a horde of several hundred thousand orcs after them... well, that's just "supposing" of course.
Merry: Right, just supposing...
Gandalf: We should also suppose that if Sauron made, even as unlikely as it is, any "threats" to the poor unfortunate individual who "accidentally" annoyed him... let's just say that wretched pitiful fool can count on each and every one of them being carried out in excruciating detail.
Pippin: Ummm... you know... I'm really not feeling so well all the sudden...
Merry: What a coincidence, Gandalf, that you found us! We had just discovered this bag that looks like yours... and—and we were going to take it straight to you.
Pippin: Oh! Yes, yes, of course we were! We thought you might get some silly idea that we had somehow had something to do with having it appear over here, though, and—
Merry: Yes, naturally, and we were just discussing what the best way to return it to you would be when you walked up—
Pippin: Right!
Merry: Right!
Gandalf: Oh, really?
Merry and Pippin: Oh yeah, of course!
Gandalf: Splendid! And here was I worrying needlessly.
Pippin: Don't be silly, here let me just get it for—AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
(Pippin's hand comes into contact with the crystal surface of the Palantir)

Sauron: Ah-hah! Got you, you two-timing trickster!
Sauron: Yes, you little git now I'm going to—Holy Hell's Grannies!!!
Sauron: You're a ruddy—a ruddy HOBBIT! And you're with that meddler Mithrandir?!?
Sauron: Then you must be1must have—WHERE IS MY RING?!??!
Sauron: Tell me where it is! Say it!!!
Sauron: Tell me or—
Narrator: Thinking quickly, Gandalf knocks Pippin away from the seeing-stone. Slowly, the fire from within the Palantir fades to an impenetrable black once more. A crowd of anxious Rohirrim, roused from uneasy slumber by Pippin's screams, gather around the scene of the commotion.
Merry: Pippin!!!
Gandalf: What?
Merry: Pippin, speak to me!
Pippin: Albatross!
(Gandalf looks closely into Pippin's eyes)
Gandalf: It's to late... Sauron has fried what passed for his furry little brain.
Pippin: Albatross!
Merry: Noooooooo!!!
Gandalf: I'm afraid so.
Pippin: Albatross!
Gandalf: All that is left of our dear friend and companion is but an empty shell—
Pippin: Albatross!
Gandalf: An empty husk with a fixation most fowl, it would seem.
Merry: Pippin, please! Talk to me!
Pippin: Albatross!
Merry: Do you not recognize me? It's me, Pip... It's your ol' pal Merry. Remember the good times... remember back when we used to go and get ice creams with Estella and Diamond on a hot summer's day?
Pippin: Albatross!
Gandalf: It's no use, Merry...
Merry: Please, Pip! You must remember how Estella used to tease you by running her tongue around the tip of the cone—
Pippin: Albatross—you don't get ice cream from it, it's a ruddy sea bird! Albatross!

(a dark shadow seems to pass from Pippin's eyes)
Merry: Pippin! Yes! Come back to us!
Pippin: Wha—why am I screaming "albatross?"
Gandalf: How can this be?!
Merry: Something happened when you touched the stone ball, Pip.
Pippin: Give me half a moment... I think I'll be okay.
Gandalf: Peregrin Took, how could you have survived having every cell in your mind imploded?!
Pippin: But I didn't, somehow I got away at the last minute.
Gandalf: How?!
Pippin: Well, I'll tell you.
Gandalf: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
Gandalf: Shut up!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell!
Gandalf: Not like that!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
Gandalf: Stop it!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell!
Gandalf: SHUT UP!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell about his great escape.
Gandalf: Not like that! No!
Rohirrim: (singing) Oh, how Sauron had him by the nape.
Gandalf: Now shut up I say! Not like that! No! Stop it!
Gandalf: Right. That's just too silly. Besides, Pippin's vocal number isn't until scene 6!
Rohirrim: (whining) Awwww...
Merry: What do we do now, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Well, suffice to say that Sauron is sending everything he's got after Pippin. Orcs, Nazgul, telemarketers... the whole lot.
Pippin: Ugh! Why does my mouth taste like... albatross?
Gandalf: I am therefore going to take Pippin and the Palantir with me on Shadowfax and ride like hell for Gondor. Perhaps, the Valar willing, behind the stout walls of Minas Tirith I can keep our infamous Took out of trouble for more than 5 measly minutes!
Merry: Don't worry, Pip. I promise you that you will see the Shire again some day!
Pippin: No worries, Merry, except maybe for the fact that I've never had albatross. You wouldn't happen to have a mint, would you?
Merry: You know, maybe it's just that you didn't have any brains for Sauron to cook.
Gandalf: Enough! Farewell and follow fast—Away Shadowfax!

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