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Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring
Scene 15: Breaking of the Fellowship
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King

Narrator: Just as Aragorn, the Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of—oh, dash it all, you know who I'm talking about already! Anyway, just as he was about to cross the infamous Bridge at the Falls of Rauros, the horde of Saruman attacked.

Orcs: Aaaarrrghhhahh!
Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooooOOOOOOO!!!
Narrator: Seeing that they were heavily outnumbered, Aragorn uses his sword to hastily cut the lines of the bridge to protect the ringbearer, Frodo, who has already crossed.
Merry: Hoy!
Pippin: What a wanker!
Narrator: As Gimli, Legolas, Merry and Pippin fight off the horde of orcs, Aragorn squares off against the fierce uruk-cow...
Aragorn: You fight with the strength of many men and orcs, uruk-cow.
(pause)
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, heir of Elendil.
(pause)
Aragorn: I beseech you to cast aside the tainted influence of Saruman and join in our struggle against the evil forces that threaten men and bovine alike.
(pause)
Aragorn: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you not join us?
[snort]
Aragorn: You make me sad. So be it.
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo.
Aragorn: What?
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo.
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you, good cow, but I must aid my companions.
Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooo mooo moo.
Aragorn: I command you, as the heir of Elendil, to stand aside!
[SNORT]
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOooooOOO.
Aragorn: So be it—Aaaha!
Uruk-Cow: moo!
Aragorn: hiyaah!
Uruk-Cow: moOOOoo!
(Aragorn chops the uruk-cow's left front leg off)
Aragorn: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Uruk-Cow: Moo moooOOOoo mooooo.
Aragorn: A scratch? Your leg's off!
Uruk-Cow: Moo, moooMOOooo.
Aragorn: Well, what's that then? A ruddy porterhouse!?
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo.
Aragorn: You've had worse?! You liar!
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOoooOOoo!
[clang]
Aragorn: Huyah!
[clash]
Uruk-Cow: Mooooo!
[smash]
Aragorn: Aaaaahah!
(Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's right front leg off)
Aragorn: Victory is mine! (kneeling) We thank thee sacred Valar, that in Thy mer—
Uruk-Cow: Moo!
[kick]
Aragorn: What?
Uruk-Cow: MooOOO moo!
[kick]
Aragorn: Eh? You are indeed brave, noble cow, but the fight is mine.
Uruk-Cow: Moo, mooOOOoooOO?
Aragorn: Look, you stupid bastard... you've got no front legs left.
Uruk-Cow: Moo, moOOooo.
Aragorn: No you don't, look!
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOOooOOOOO.
[kick]
Aragorn: Look—now stop that.
Uruk-Cow: Moooooo!
[kick]
Aragorn: Look, I'll have your back leg.
[kick]
Aragorn: Right!
[whop]
(Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's right back leg off)
Uruk-Cow: MOOOO. MoooOOOOOooo moo MOOOOO!
Aragorn: You'll what?
Uruk-Cow: Mooo moooOOOOO!
Aragorn: Come over there? What are you going to do, squirt milk at me?
Uruk-Cow: Mooo MOOOOOOOOOOO!
Aragorn: You're a looney.
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOOOO! Moo moooOOOOoooo! Mooo, moo.
[whop]
(Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's last leg off)
Uruk-Cow: Moo? MoooOOOOoo, mooo-mooOOOooo mooo.
Aragorn: Hah! A draw, eh? Ruddy mad cow... what's the situation, Legolas?
Legolas: We have slain a great many of the orcs, but they managed to grab Merry and Pippin during the fight and carry them off. I can find no sign of Sam... he must have managed to cross the bridge before the battle.
Aragorn: Blast! We have no way to get across the river, so our only option is to attempt to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: (looking over at the uruk-cow) You know, the hobbits ate all the Lembas and Lothlorien was the last time we had a decent meal...
Aragorn: True, Gimli, but if we set off now we will have a better chance of catching up to the orcs. What do you think, Legolas?
Legolas: I think I've got dibs on those ribs right there—
Uruk-Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(on the other side of the river)
Frodo: Looks like it is just you and I, Sam. The others shall have to fend for themselves.
Sam: Yeah, what a bunch of tossers. It's just us now against the awesome might and overwhelming power of Mordor and the furious evil of Sauron!
Frodo: (sighing) I am soooo screwed.

To be continued in... Monty Python: The Two Towers.

Gimli: Say, before you go... does anyone have a good recipe for barbecue sauce?

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