Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring

By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)

Scene 14: The Falls of Rauros

Narrator: Following the river Anduin, the Fellowship passes the "Argonath," towering and ancient Pillars of the Kings of Old.

Aragorn: Long have I desired to look upon the likenesses of Isildur and Anarion, my sires of old. Under their protective shadow, Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil, Isildur's son and heir of Elendil, knows no fear—
WhoOOooOOAA!!!
[SPLASH]
Pippin: Really now—you would think that Ara-whatever-his-name-is-now-Elessar there would know better than to stand up in the ruddy boat!
Haldir: Hmmm... It's a good thing Lady Galadriel told me to accompany you lot to the Falls of Rauros.
Narrator: At long last the Fellowship can go no further along the river with the elven boats given them by the Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim. Now they must face the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros.
Legolas: There it is!
Aragorn: The Bridge at the Falls of Rauros!
Boromir: Oh, great.
Frodo: Look! There's the old man that was hanging out at the Prancing Pony in scene 7!
Sam: What is he doing here?
Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros. He asks each traveller five questions—
Legolas: Three questions.
Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions—
Legolas: Three questions.
Aragorn: OK, Three questions, may cross in safety.
Merry: What if you get a question wrong?
Aragorn: Then you are cast beyond the Falls of Rauros into the Eternal Gorge Of Cut Film Footage That Won't Even Make It Into The Extended Edition.
Pippin: Oh, I won't go.
Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions?
Aragorn: Boromir!
Boromir: Yes?
Aragorn: My brave kinsman, Boromir of Gondor, you go.
Boromir: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Frodo go? I'll even hold his ring for him—
Frodo: Yes, let me go. I will put on the One Ring and take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that should—
Aragorn: No, no. No. Hang on, Hang on! Just answer the five questions—
Legolas: I thought we'd established it was three questions?
Aragorn: Um, three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray to the Valar for guidance.
Frodo: I understand, no problem.
Aragorn: Good luck, brave Frodo of the Shire. May the blessings of Elbereth be with you.
Bridgekeeper: Stop!

Bridgekeeper: Who would cross the Falls of Rauros Bridge must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Frodo: Ask me your questions, bridgekeeper.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Frodo: My name is Frodo Baggins.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Frodo: To cast the One Ring of Sauron into the fires of Mount Doom.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favorite colour?
Frodo: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Right. Off you go then.
Frodo: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Boromir: That's easy!
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who approacheth the Falls of Rauros Bridge must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Boromir: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Boromir: Boromir, son of the Ruling Steward Denethor the second.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Boromir: To destroy the power of Sauron.
Bridgekeeper: What... was the first capital of Arthedain?
(pause)
Boromir: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper: Stop! What... is your name?
Haldir: Haldir of Lothlorien.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Haldir: To get these silly gits across this bridge.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favorite color?
Haldir: Blue. No, yel—auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
Aragorn: It is Aragorn, the Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil Isildur's son and heir of Elendil!
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Aragorn: To destroy the One Ring of Sauron.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen eagle?
Aragorn: What do you mean? A southern or a northern eagle?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I—I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
Legolas: How do you know so much about eagles?
Aragorn: Well, you have to know these things if you are going to be a King someday, you know.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say