Celeborn: Welcome! Welcome to Caras Galadhon.
Frodo: Thank you. You are most generous to offer
us shelter and rest from our burdens.
Galadriel: But there are only eight of you. We were
warned—um... informed—that the Fellowship was of
Aragorn: Alas! Gandalf the Grey has fallen into shadow.
He remained in Moria and did not escape.
Celeborn: These are evil tidings... the most evil
spoken here in long years full of grievous deeds.
Frodo: Yes, our grief is great and our loss cannot
Galadriel: Put aside your despair for a time, dear
Frodo, because you are about to be the next contestant on... "Who
wants to be an elven-heir?!"
Frodo: What?!? Me?!
Galadriel: Yes! Haldir, tell our contestant what
he'll be playing for today.
Haldir: Certainly m'lady, Frodo you'll be competing
for the grand prize of a free luxury comfort trip to far away Mount
Doom to fulfill your quest with ease... complete with an escort of
all the armed might of the remaining elven kingdoms of Middle-Earth!
Fail, and you'll get some lovely parting gifts and have to walk there
by yourselves while we hightail it west.
Galadriel: Are you ready for the first question?
Frodo: (visibly breaking out in a sweat) Yes, okay,
Celeborn: For our first question, what is the creature
Gollum's true name?
Frodo: Oh, that's an easy one! Gandalf told me it
Haldir: Excellent answer, you and your party have
just won these lovely elven hooded travelling cloaks with beautiful
leaf-shaped brooches made with authentic green enamel and genuine
silver plating! Each is lovingly embroidered with our "Who wants to
be an elven-heir?!" logo.
Celeborn: Next question, by what type of weapon was
the dragon Smaug the Golden slain?
Legolas: Oh! Oh! I know this one!
Galadriel: Shhh! No helping unless Frodo uses one
of his three "lifelines."
Frodo: Ummm... it was a fellow called Bard the Bowman
of Esgaroth that shot him with... an arrow, I believe.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Y-yes... arrow is my final answer.
Celeborn: Well, I'm afraid that is absolutely...
[Jarring, Elvish drum-roll]
Haldir: Yes, Frodo, you have just won a full month's
supply of Lembas! Yes, Lembas, that wonderful tasty treat passed down
to us from the legendary elves of Keebler!
Pippin and Merry: Score!
Celeborn: For our next question, in order to maintain
air-speed velocity, how many times does a southern eagle need to beat
its wings a minute?
Frodo: Hoy, I don't know that. Let me use one of
my lifelines, please!
Galadriel: Alright Frodo, do you want to (a, ask
the other members of your party, (b), choose between two possible
answers, or (c), contact someone?
Frodo: I would like to contact Radagast the Brown,
(Galadriel takes a silver pitcher and pours water from her fountain
into a basin)
Galadriel: Gaze into my mirror.
(Frodo looks into the blue water. After a moment, a pale white triangular
sign floats to the surface. It reads... "Try Again Later")
Galadriel: Ack! Ruddy mirror!
(Galadriel gives the basin a shake and the message swirls out of sight)
Celeborn: Greetings Radagast, this is Celeborn calling
from "Who wants to be an elven-heir?!"
Radagast: Oh, splendid! How may I be of service?
Frodo: Salutations sir, I need to know how many times
a southern eagle needs to beat its wings a minute to maintain air-speed
Radagast: Hmmm... indeed. A southern eagle, you say?
Not a northern one?
Frodo: Yes, a southern eagle, Master Radagast.
Radagast: 42! Wait... no, no! That's the answer to
Galadriel: Your time limit is running out.
Radagast: Oh yes, of course, it's thir—
Celeborn: Alas! The connection ran out of time. Are
you ready with your answer, Frodo?
Frodo: I think I'd like to use another lifeline,
if I may!
Galadriel: Alright, would you like to (a), ask the
other members of your party, or (b), choose between two possible answers?
(Frodo casts a glance at the faces of his nervous and clueless companions)
Frodo: I'd like to choose between two answers, please.
Galadriel: Your two possible answers are... 32 and
(Frodo smacks his forehead with his hand)
Frodo: Oh, I'm screwed!
Celeborn: Your answer is?
Frodo: 35. I'm going to go with 35.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Yes, 35.
Celeborn: Are you sure?
Frodo: Ruddy hell, yes, already!
Celeborn: Well Frodo, it just so happens that 35
is completely... incorrect!
Galadriel: Oh, so sorry! Haldir, tell our guest what
they will be receiving today for being on our show.
Haldir: Certainly, Lady Galadriel! Starting with
our contestant Frodo, we have a nifty glow-in-the-dark crystal vial
of water from Galadriel's fountain!
Frodo: Ummm... that water is from the same fountain
we were drinking out of earlier? I suddenly feel a bit queasy...
Haldir: For Aragorn, our parting gift today is a
lovely sheath for your sword!
Aragorn: Thank you most sincerely! It's been a real
pain carrying this thing around without one.
Haldir: And, for Boromir, we have this handsome gold
Boromir: Nice. Not wonderful, but nice.
Haldir: For our cousin from the north, Legolas, we
have this bow and quiver of arrows!
Haldir: Merry and Pippin of the Shire, for you we
have these rugged and fashionable silver colored belts!
Haldir: We started running low on gifts, but for
master Samwise we were able to come up with this fabulous... box of
Sam: Gosh,er— thanks. Is there anything special
about the dirt?
Celeborn: Why yes, we scooped it up from right over
Haldir: And now last, but certainly not least, for
Gimli we have... a wish!
Gimli: A wish?
Galadriel: Yes, my dear dwarf, a wish! After we finished
cleaning out my closet—um— I mean—clearing out our
supply of extremely valuable gifts, we realized that we were
one short. So, you are therefore granted one wish provided it is within
our power to grant it to you.
Pippin: Damn! All I got was a lousy belt!
Gimli: If I may, m'lady, I would but ask for a single
strand of your golden hair to make into an heirloom for my family
in remembrance of your kindness and unsurpassed beauty.
Galadriel: I shall give you three strands, my bashful
flatterer! Now please load up in these boats and be on your way.
Celeborn: Right. Nice having you here and all, let
us know how it turns out!
(the Fellowship gets into the elven boats and quickly travel along
the waters of the Silverlode)
Gimli: I shall treasure the wonder of Lothlorien
forever... and the beauty of it's Lady—
Pippin: Oh, Gimli, you are such a total wanker!
Pippin: You could have asked her for anything!
Merry: Like what those barrow girls were doing to
us you mean, Pip?
Pippin: Yeah, or maybe even something involving...
Gimli: [SMACKS HEAD] Doh!!!