Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring

By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)

Scene 13: Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim

Celeborn: Welcome! Welcome to Caras Galadhon.
Frodo: Thank you. You are most generous to offer us shelter and rest from our burdens.

Galadriel: But there are only eight of you. We were warned—um... informed—that the Fellowship was of nine.
Aragorn: Alas! Gandalf the Grey has fallen into shadow. He remained in Moria and did not escape.
Celeborn: These are evil tidings... the most evil spoken here in long years full of grievous deeds.
Frodo: Yes, our grief is great and our loss cannot be mended.
Galadriel: Put aside your despair for a time, dear Frodo, because you are about to be the next contestant on... "Who wants to be an elven-heir?!"
Frodo: What?!? Me?!
Galadriel: Yes! Haldir, tell our contestant what he'll be playing for today.
Haldir: Certainly m'lady, Frodo you'll be competing for the grand prize of a free luxury comfort trip to far away Mount Doom to fulfill your quest with ease... complete with an escort of all the armed might of the remaining elven kingdoms of Middle-Earth! Fail, and you'll get some lovely parting gifts and have to walk there by yourselves while we hightail it west.
Galadriel: Are you ready for the first question?
Frodo: (visibly breaking out in a sweat) Yes, okay, sure...
Celeborn: For our first question, what is the creature Gollum's true name?
Frodo: Oh, that's an easy one! Gandalf told me it was Smeagol!
Galadriel: Correct!
Haldir: Excellent answer, you and your party have just won these lovely elven hooded travelling cloaks with beautiful leaf-shaped brooches made with authentic green enamel and genuine silver plating! Each is lovingly embroidered with our "Who wants to be an elven-heir?!" logo.
Pippin: Ooooohhh!
Merry: Ahhhhh!
Celeborn: Next question, by what type of weapon was the dragon Smaug the Golden slain?
Legolas: Oh! Oh! I know this one!
Galadriel: Shhh! No helping unless Frodo uses one of his three "lifelines."
Frodo: Ummm... it was a fellow called Bard the Bowman of Esgaroth that shot him with... an arrow, I believe.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Y-yes... arrow is my final answer.
Celeborn: Well, I'm afraid that is absolutely... CORRECT!!
[Jarring, Elvish drum-roll]
Haldir: Yes, Frodo, you have just won a full month's supply of Lembas! Yes, Lembas, that wonderful tasty treat passed down to us from the legendary elves of Keebler!
Sam: Whoohooo!
Pippin and Merry: Score!
Celeborn: For our next question, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, how many times does a southern eagle need to beat its wings a minute?
Frodo: Hoy, I don't know that. Let me use one of my lifelines, please!
Galadriel: Alright Frodo, do you want to (a, ask the other members of your party, (b), choose between two possible answers, or (c), contact someone?
Frodo: I would like to contact Radagast the Brown, please.
(Galadriel takes a silver pitcher and pours water from her fountain into a basin)
Galadriel: Gaze into my mirror.
(Frodo looks into the blue water. After a moment, a pale white triangular sign floats to the surface. It reads... "Try Again Later")
Galadriel: Ack! Ruddy mirror!
(Galadriel gives the basin a shake and the message swirls out of sight)
Radagast: Hello?
Celeborn: Greetings Radagast, this is Celeborn calling from "Who wants to be an elven-heir?!"
Radagast: Oh, splendid! How may I be of service?
Frodo: Salutations sir, I need to know how many times a southern eagle needs to beat its wings a minute to maintain air-speed velocity?
Radagast: Hmmm... indeed. A southern eagle, you say? Not a northern one?
Frodo: Yes, a southern eagle, Master Radagast.
Radagast: 42! Wait... no, no! That's the answer to something else.
Galadriel: Your time limit is running out.
Radagast: Oh yes, of course, it's thir—
Celeborn: Alas! The connection ran out of time. Are you ready with your answer, Frodo?
Frodo: I think I'd like to use another lifeline, if I may!
Galadriel: Alright, would you like to (a), ask the other members of your party, or (b), choose between two possible answers?
(Frodo casts a glance at the faces of his nervous and clueless companions)
Frodo: I'd like to choose between two answers, please.
Galadriel: Your two possible answers are... 32 and 35.
(Frodo smacks his forehead with his hand)
Frodo: Oh, I'm screwed!
Celeborn: Your answer is?
Frodo: 35. I'm going to go with 35.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Yes, 35.
Celeborn: Are you sure?
Frodo: Ruddy hell, yes, already!
Celeborn: Well Frodo, it just so happens that 35 is completely... incorrect!
Everyone: Doh!
Galadriel: Oh, so sorry! Haldir, tell our guest what they will be receiving today for being on our show.
Haldir: Certainly, Lady Galadriel! Starting with our contestant Frodo, we have a nifty glow-in-the-dark crystal vial of water from Galadriel's fountain!
Frodo: Ummm... that water is from the same fountain we were drinking out of earlier? I suddenly feel a bit queasy...
Haldir: For Aragorn, our parting gift today is a lovely sheath for your sword!
Aragorn: Thank you most sincerely! It's been a real pain carrying this thing around without one.
Haldir: And, for Boromir, we have this handsome gold colored belt!
Boromir: Nice. Not wonderful, but nice.
Haldir: For our cousin from the north, Legolas, we have this bow and quiver of arrows!
Legolas: Spiffing!
Haldir: Merry and Pippin of the Shire, for you we have these rugged and fashionable silver colored belts!
Merry: Ohhh!
Pippin: Shiny!
Haldir: We started running low on gifts, but for master Samwise we were able to come up with this fabulous... box of soil!
Sam: Gosh,er— thanks. Is there anything special about the dirt?
Celeborn: Why yes, we scooped it up from right over there.
Sam: Okay...
Haldir: And now last, but certainly not least, for Gimli we have... a wish!
Gimli: A wish?
Galadriel: Yes, my dear dwarf, a wish! After we finished cleaning out my closet—um— I mean—clearing out our supply of extremely valuable gifts, we realized that we were one short. So, you are therefore granted one wish provided it is within our power to grant it to you.
Pippin: Damn! All I got was a lousy belt!
Gimli: If I may, m'lady, I would but ask for a single strand of your golden hair to make into an heirloom for my family in remembrance of your kindness and unsurpassed beauty.
Galadriel: I shall give you three strands, my bashful flatterer! Now please load up in these boats and be on your way.

Celeborn: Right. Nice having you here and all, let us know how it turns out!
(the Fellowship gets into the elven boats and quickly travel along the waters of the Silverlode)
Gimli: I shall treasure the wonder of Lothlorien forever... and the beauty of it's Lady—
Pippin: Oh, Gimli, you are such a total wanker!
Gimli: What?!
Pippin: You could have asked her for anything!
Merry: Like what those barrow girls were doing to us you mean, Pip?
Pippin: Yeah, or maybe even something involving... TOTAL nudity!
Gimli: [SMACKS HEAD] Doh!!!

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say