Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring

By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)

Scene 12: An Eagle Carrying A Wizard?

Narrator: The Fellowship, having escaped from Moria, have journeyed on until reaching the outskirts of the beautiful and tranquil woods of Lothlorien.
Frodo: Hello there!
Orophin: Halt! Who goes there?
Frodo: I am Frodo Baggins of the Shire, member of the Fellowship of the Ring, bearer of the diabolical Ruling Ring of Sauron, and am charged with a quest by Elrond of Rivendell to save all Middle Earth!
Orophin: Pull the other one.
Frodo: And these are my trusted travelling companions.

Frodo: We have journeyed the length and breadth of the land in search of those who will aid us in our quest against the evil of Mordor. I must speak with the Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim!
Orophin: Weren't you supposed to be traveling with a wizard?
Frodo: Why, yes!
Orophin: Well, where is he?
Frodo: He has fallen in a horrible and epic battle with the foul Balrog of Moria.
Orophin: How did he manage to escape from Isengard to begin with?
Frodo: What does it matter now? We have travelled since the snows of fury covered the mountains, through the mines of Moria, through—
Orophin: Where did he catch up with you?
Frodo: In Rivendell.
Orophin: At Elrond's? In Rivendell? All the way from Isengard?!?
Frodo: What do you mean?
Orophin: Well, it was simply to far to travel in so short of time!
Frodo: The eagles may fly south with the sun or the geese or the ravens may seek warmer climes in winter, yet they are not strangers to these lands.
Orophin: Are you suggesting wizards fly like eagles, that they migrate?
Frodo: Not at all, they could be carried though...
Orophin: What—an eagle carrying a wizard?
Frodo: It could grip him by the arms!
Orophin: It's not a question of where it grips him, it's a simple question of weight ratios! A hundred pound eagle cannot carry a hundred and eighty pound wizard.
Frodo: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel that Frodo Baggins of the Shire is here?
Orophin: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, an eagle needs to beat its wings thirty-two times every minute, right?
Frodo: Please!
Orophin: Am I right?
Frodo: I'm not interested!
Rumil: It could be a northern eagle.
Orophin: Oh, yeah. A northern eagle maybe, but not a regular southern eagle. That's my point.
Rumil: Oh, yeah, I agree with that—
Frodo: Will you please ask your Lord and Lady if they will aid us in our quest?!
Orophin: But then, of course, northern eagles don't normally go far from their eyries.
Rumil: Oh, yeah...
Orophin: So one wouldn't have gone all the way to Isengard anyway.
(Frodo and the other members of the Fellowship impatiently walk past the two arguing elves and proceed onward into the forest)
Rumil: Wait a minute... supposing two eagles carried a wizard together?
Orophin: No, they'd have to use a basket of some type.
Rumil: Well, simple! They could use an old nest and um—modify it a bit.
Orophin: (unconvinced) Yes..but how would they attach it to the dorsal guiding feathers?
Rumil: With string?

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say