Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring
Scene 11: The Balroooggggg of Moria
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Narrator: Frodo and the Fellowship have become lost and trapped within the old dwarven mines of Khazad-dum. For some odd reason, no matter how hard he tries not to, Pippin manages to make an obscene amount of noise knocking things over every time the group stops to rest.
Frodo: Over there... it's a bloodied book!
Aragorn: What does it say?
Sam: What language is that?
Frodo: Master Gandalf! You are a wizard, do you know these markings?

Gandalf: Khuzdul... dwarvish... it's from Balin!
Gimli: Of course Balin the dwarf would write in Khuzdul, you silly gits!
Merry: 'Course!
Frodo: What does it say?
Gandalf: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Balin son of Fundin. We are trapped. There is no way to get out. If you are reading this, you're screwed. Beware Durin's Bane! Beware the Balroooggggg..."
Frodo: What?
Gandalf: "The Balroooggggg..."
Borimir: What is that?
Gandalf: Maybe they were playing a pick-up game of bhasketball with the orcs and he meant ball-hog.
Frodo: Oh, come on!
Gandalf: Well... he could have.
Gimli: Look, if he was playing bhasketball, he wouldn't bother to write complaining about a ball-hog since he'd just whack him with his axe!
Gandalf: Well, that's what's recorded in the book!
Pippin: Perhaps he was goal tending.
Frodo: Quiet now, Pippin, you still aren't allowed to make any more noise. Well, does it say anything else?
Gandalf: No. Just, "Balroooggggg."
Aragorn: Balroooggggg.
Frodo: Balroooggggg.
Merry: Do you suppose he meant Balrooghamy?
Aragorn: Where's that?
Frodo: In the Dunland, I think.
Legolas: Don't the Harad have a Balrogodog?
Aragorn: No, that's Dalrogadog.
Boromir: Oh, yes. Dalrogadog.
Everyone: Dalrogadog.
Sam: Dear God!
Aragorn: No, no. "Dalrogadog," like in that song by the Jackson-Rhun 5. Dalrogadog.
Sam: No. No, no, no. I meant "Dear God," in surprise and alarm.
Aragorn: Oh, you mean sort of a "Dear Me?"
Sam: Yes, but I—aaaaaah, Oh-my-God!
Frodo: Oh-oh!
Aragorn: By the light of Earendil's star!
[dramatic chord]
Gandalf: It's the Bane of Durin! A Balrog!!!
(the incredibly large, flaming, monstrous Balrog rambles toward the Fellowship brandishing a fiery sword and whip)
Sam: That's it, that's it! I did try to tell you...
Frodo: Run away!
Everyone: Run away!
Everyone: Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!

Gandalf: Keep running!
(more flames and pandemonium)
Everyone: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh...
Aragorn: We've lost him.
Everyone: Aagh! Keep running!
Gandalf: We are... [huff] so... [puff] screwed.
Boromir: We just have to keep running.
Gandalf: (falling behind huffing and puffing - he's a smoker) It... [huff] matters not! [huff-puff] You cannot... [cough] outrun the... [huff-puff] Balrog! [cough-hack]
Merry: We don't have to...
Pippin: ...we just have to outrun YOU!
Narrator: As the murderous Balrog lunged forward, escape for the Fellowship seemed hopeless. Then, suddenly, Gandalf turned and used his staff to smash the stone bridge he had just crossed in a desperate bid to save his out-of-breath wheezing arse. The Balrog fell, but unfortunately took Gandalf with him.
Gandalf: [cough-hack] Ulk!
Narrator: The "Bane of Durin" peril was no more. The quest of the Fellowship of the Ring could continue.

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