By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Scene 10: The Doors of Kazad-dum
Narrator: Following the nearly disastrous attempt to cross through the Redhorn Gate, the Fellowship has made it's way to the Hollin gate of Kazad-dum. By a large lake, dark and menacingly still, the skillfully crafted doors stood shut fast between two ancient and immense trees.
Pippin: Hoy! Nice doors!
Gimli: They are marked with the emblems of Durin!
Legolas: And with the tree symbol of the Noldoran elves!
Gandalf: And the star of the House of Feanor set by the hand of Celebrimbor himself.
Frodo: What does the writing say? I thought I knew the elf-letters, but I cannot read these.
Gandalf: The words are in the elven-tongue of the West of Middle-earth in the Elder Days, but they do not say anything of importance to us.
Sam: All the same, I'd like to hear what they say.
Gandalf: Well, over here is a series of names that have been crossed out and over-written. Durin's Kazad-dum... Hotel Khalifornia... Mines of Moria, under new management - signed Balin.
Boromir: That's all well and good, but how do we get in?
Gandalf: Over here it says "Speak, friend, and enter."
Merry: What does it mean by that?
Gimli: That is plain enough, if you are a friend, speak the password and the doors will open.
Gandalf: What that word is, however, has long since passed out of recorded memory.
Boromir: You don't know the password?!
Boromir: Oh, we are screwed!
(Boromir casts a large stone he had picked up far out into the water)
Frodo: Don't disturb that foul pool!
Boromir: Sorry, I thought I saw something moving out there—
Pippin: I've got it! Why don't we say the word "friend" in every language we can think of!
Gandalf: Oh, fool of a Took! Don't be ridiculous!
Legolas: What a loon!
Gimli: Silly hobbit, it wouldn't be that simple!
Pippin: Heh. I guess it does sound rather moronic.
Gandalf: I know, why don't we use the Holy Hand Grenade of Elendil!
Frodo: The what?
Gandalf: The Holy Hand Grenade of Elendil. It's one of the several dozen relics of Isildur that Aragorn lugs around with him.
Legolas: Yes, of course.
Gandalf: (shouting) Aragorn, get out the Holy Hand Grenade!
Frodo: How does it, um... how does it work?
Gandalf: Well, I don't know.
Aragorn: Hold on, I think I've got an instruction manual in here somewhere... right! The Noldor Book of Armaments!
Gandalf: Let us turn to the Noldor Book of Weapons and Armaments... chapter 143, verses nine to twenty-one.
It came to pass that Celebrimbor did cast his gaze upon the wickedness of Sauron and became quite hacked at him for his treachery. And Celebrimbor raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, "O Sacred Valar, bless this Thy Holy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine dark and mischievous enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy." And the Eldar did grin, and the Numenoreans did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
Aragorn: Could you hurry it up a bit, Gandalf! It looks like something large and monstrous in the lake is moving towards us!
Gandalf: Ummm... right!
And Celebrimbor spake, saying, "First shalt thou pull thy pin from the top of thine Holy Hand Grenade. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number of thy count, and the number of thy count shall be three. Four shalt not the count be, neither two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once thy count is three, being the third number, to be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."
Aragorn: Right! One... two... five!
Frodo: Three, Aragorn!