By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Scene 9: The Three Misty Mountains
Narrator: The Fellowship had journeyed but a fortnight when the weather suddenly turned cold enough to freeze the crown jewells off the Heir of Gondor. They had come to the three greatest peaks of the Misty Mountains, under which the dwarves of old had delved deep; Caradhras the Redhorn, Celebdil the Silver-tine, and Fanuidhol the Cloudyhead. Toward the Dimrill Dale to the Redhorn Gate, under the far side of Caradhras, Gandalf guides them while Legolas cheers his companions with song.
Oh, what are we doing and where are we going?
Death we are wooing! Toward the dark power growing!
Oh, tra-la-la-lally we go through the valley! ha-ha!
Oh, it's Frodo they're seeking, and if he is taken,
By orcs that are reeking, his rear will be bakin'!
Oh, tril-lil-lil-lolly the quest is jolly, ha-ha!
Oh, hobbits are true and our Frodo isn't afraid!
To die and turn blue or be diced with a blade!
And Pippin and Merry cooked with gooseberry, ha-ha!
Oh, they are not scared, or frightened away!
To be skewered, pared, served as a goblin entree!
Oh, Frodo's eyes gouged out, his bowels unplugged!
To be hung by the snout, he's not the least bugged!
Oh, his skin slowly peeled, his brains turned to muck,
His blood all congealed, his skull they will—
Frodo: Whoa!!! That—that's... uh—that's enough music for now, Legolas! Heh. Looks like the snow is really coming down.
Legolas: But Bilbo said you really enjoyed elvish singing, Frodo...
CARADHRAS: [Halt! Who art thou?]
CELEBDIL: [Caradhras, you idiot! We are mountains, they can't hear us!]
FANUIDHOL: [What? We've got company?]
Frodo: Well, it was rather... ah—it was lovely and all, but the snow is getting quite difficult now.
Gimli: I'm telling you, we should go through Khazad-dum! My cousin Balin will be more than—
Gandalf: Oh, shut up already, Gimli! We've heard enough from you about it every day for the last two weeks. We need to get through the Redhorn Gate if we can!
CARADHRAS: [Ack! A Dwarf! I shall have to kill them.]
Boromir: The snow is getting so blinding and deep that it's becoming impossible to go forward!
CELEBDIL: [Shall I cause a snow slide?]
Pippin: Hoy, who would have guessed all the white stuff on top of mountains was snow, anyway?
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, I don't think so.]
Legolas: It's not bothering me at all. See, I can walk right over it.
CARADHRAS: [Well, what do I think?]
Aragorn: Shouldn't that be physically impossible, Legolas?
Legolas: Not at all, Aragorn! See these mesh frame things? They are called "snowshoes" in the old tongue.
CELEBDIL: [I think bury them.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, let's be nice to them.]
CELEBDIL: [Oh, shut up.]
CARADHRAS: [And you. Oh, quick! I want to bury them in an avalanche!]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, go bury yourself!]
CELEBDIL: [Yes, do us all a favour!]
FANUIDHOL: [Quaking all the time.]
Gandalf: The way has become to perilous! There must be a foul influence at work here!
CELEBDIL: [You're lucky. You're not next to him.]
CARADHRAS: [What do you mean?]
CELEBDIL: [You rumble!]
CARADHRAS: [Oh, I don't. Anyway, you're tottering.]
CELEBDIL: [Well, it's only because you are crushing up against me.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, stop complaining and let's go back to sleep.]
CARADHRAS: [Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll bury them in snow first and then back to sleep and rumbling.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, not rumbling.]
CARADHRAS: [All right. All right, no rumbling, but let's bury them anyway.]
ALL THREE MOUNTAINS: [Right!]
CELEBDIL: [They've buggered off.]
FANUIDHOL: [So they have. They've scarpered.]
(on their way back down)
Gandalf: Legolas, couldn't you have brought enough of those shoes for everybody?!
Legolas: Look, I'm sorry, but I simply didn't get the memo—
Gimli: I said all along we should go through Khazad-dum! My cousin Balin will be more than—
Everyone: Oh do shut up, Gimli!