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Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring
Scene 8: A Mission From Elrond
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Narrator: Rivendell... Imladris... the house of Elrond. Frodo finds himself wandering alone within the long halls and vast rooms of this wondrous haven known as the "last homely house east of the sea."

Narrator: Hearing voices, he creeps quietly up to a doorway and carefully peers in. Inside the small dimly lit room is a man sitting in a chair. He is oddly clothed even for an Easterling or, perhaps, a man of the Haradrim. Standing around him are three tall imposing elves. Frodo strains to hear as one of the elves leans in close to the seated man.
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell... Mister Aragorn.
Frodo: What the—
Elrond: You know the thing I hate most about humans? It's the smell.
Frodo: (backing away from the door) No! This can not be!
Elrond: I feel saturated by it...
Gandalf: Frodo! Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: Auuugh!
Gandalf: Frodo! Wake up!
Frodo: No! Mercé stop it, you musn't! Ohh, yes, YESSSS!!! NOOOO!!!
Gandalf: Wake up, Frodo! Confound it, wake up I say!
Frodo: G-G-Gandalf?! Oh, thank all that is sacred! It was all a dream...
Gandalf: Yes. You were deeply wounded by the foul Nazgul, but Elrond has tended to you and you have been restored to us. Now, provided you are feeling well enough, we have been summoned to a council of the most grave importance.
Frodo: (embarrased) Yes, ah, well... give me half a moment to change my underpants and I'll be right out.
Narrator: With the ringing of a single clear bell, the council of Elrond was summoned. Bilbo Baggins was there, as were Gloin the dwarf and his son Gimli. Glorfindel and Erestor, elves of Elrond's house, as well as Galdor of the Grey Havens and Legolas son of Thranduil the King of the Sindarin elves of Northern Mirkwood. All sat down one after another. Aragorn was also there, though now revealed as the last Heir of Isildur, as was another tall man of similar features called Boromir, son of Denethor—the Steward of Gondor. Got all that? You'd better, there will be a quiz later!
Elrond: Frodo! Frodo Baggins, hobbit and ring bearer!
(flashing back to his disturbing dream, Frodo hits the floor)
Elrond: Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Frodo: Sorry.
(Frodo gets up and sits in a nearby chair)
Elrond: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I didn't know she was your daughter."
(Frodo bows his head while Aragorn suddenly looks very uncomfortable)
Elrond: What are you doing now?!
Frodo: I'm averting my eyes, Master Elrond.
Elrond: Well, don't. It's like reading the Silmarillion... it's so depressing. Now, knock it off!
Frodo: Yes, sir.
Elrond: Right! Frodo, Baggins and hobbit of the first order, the ring you bear must be cast into the fires of Mount Doom and destroyed!
Gandalf: Good idea, Elrond!

Elrond: Of course it's a good idea, listen! As long as this ring exists, Sauron's power can never be vanquished. The One Ring must be destroyed!
Frodo: Alright then, but I can not do it alone.
Gandalf: Well, don't fret about that, I'll go with you.
Aragorn: And you shall have my sword!
Legolas: And my bow!
Gimli: And my axe!
Pippin and Merry: Count us in!
Sam: Ummm...should I pack lunch?
Boromir: My schedule appears free, so I'll tag along. No larceny on my mind, nope... none at all.
Elrond: Excellent. For the nine riders, the cursed Nazgul Who Say "Ni," that he has sent against us... so shall we send a fellowship of nine against him. This is your quest... you must put an end to Sauron and his evil once and for all. The quest of the Fellowship of the Ring!
[dramatic music score]
Frodo: Yes, okay—good. Thank you, thank you all! Oh, I am so screwed...

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