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Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring
Scene 6: Bring Out Your Baggins!
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Narrator: The village of Bree, chief village of the Bree-land. It is a day much like any other here in this quiet peaceful country except for—
[clang]
[thud]
Bill Ferny: (pushing a cart topped with several hobbits bundled with ropes) Bring out your Baggins!
[clang]
Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins!
[clang]

Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins!
[clang]
Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins!
Harry: (dragging a tied up hobbit) Here's one!
Bill Ferny: Right! He's worth nine silver pennies, that one is!
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: What?
Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies?
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: What?!
Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies?
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: 'Ere. He says he's not a Baggins!
Harry: Yes he is.
Ferdibrand: I'm not!
Bill Ferny: He isn't?
Harry: Well, he's related to one. His uncle's cousin's sister's nephew's brother's ex-roommate is a Baggins.
Ferdibrand: I don't have an uncle!
Harry: Yes you do. You're looking more like a Baggins by the minute, you are.
Bill Ferny: Oh, I can't take him if he's not. It's against Sharkey's regulations.
Ferdibrand: I don't want to go to Isengard!
Harry: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Bill Ferny: I can't take him.
Ferdibrand: I don't even know any Bagginses!
Harry: Well, do us a favour.
Bill Ferny: I can't.
Harry: Well, can you hang around a bit? Maybe I can get him to confess.
Bill Ferny: No, I've got to go out to Archet. They've found nine today.
Harry: Well, when's your next round?
Bill Ferny: Thursday.
Ferdibrand: And my uncle's cousin doesn't even have a sister!
Harry: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, I've got an idea...
Ferdibrand: (singing) I feel pretty... oh, so pretty—
(Ferdibrand is quickly gagged and a sticker is slapped on his jacket reading "Hi, my name is Baggins," crudely written on it)
Harry: 'ere you are, thanks very much.
Bill Ferny: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Harry: Right you are squire.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Harry: Who's that, then?
Bill Ferny: I dunno... one of 'em must be the real Baggins everyone is looking for, though.
Harry: Why?
Bill Ferny: Well, those hobbits are the only ones being chased by undead ring-wraiths.


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