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By James
Haines (aka: Hstaphath) |
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Scene 6: Bring Out Your Baggins! |
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Narrator:
The village of Bree, chief village of the Bree-land. It is a day much
like any other here in this quiet peaceful country except for—
[clang] [thud] Bill Ferny: (pushing a cart topped with several hobbits bundled with ropes) Bring out your Baggins! [clang] Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins! [clang]  Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins! [clang] Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins! Harry: (dragging a tied up hobbit) Here's one! Bill Ferny: Right! He's worth nine silver pennies, that one is! Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins! Bill Ferny: What? Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies? Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins! Bill Ferny: What?! Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies? Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins! Bill Ferny: 'Ere. He says he's not a Baggins! Harry: Yes he is. Ferdibrand: I'm not! Bill Ferny: He isn't? Harry: Well, he's related to one. His uncle's cousin's sister's nephew's brother's ex-roommate is a Baggins. Ferdibrand: I don't have an uncle! Harry: Yes you do. You're looking more like a Baggins by the minute, you are. Bill Ferny: Oh, I can't take him if he's not. It's against Sharkey's regulations. Ferdibrand: I don't want to go to Isengard! Harry: Oh, don't be such a baby. Bill Ferny: I can't take him. Ferdibrand: I don't even know any Bagginses! Harry: Well, do us a favour. Bill Ferny: I can't. Harry: Well, can you hang around a bit? Maybe I can get him to confess. Bill Ferny: No, I've got to go out to Archet. They've found nine today. Harry: Well, when's your next round? Bill Ferny: Thursday. Ferdibrand: And my uncle's cousin doesn't even have a sister! Harry: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, I've got an idea... Ferdibrand: (singing) I feel pretty... oh, so pretty— (Ferdibrand is quickly gagged and a sticker is slapped on his jacket reading "Hi, my name is Baggins," crudely written on it) Harry: 'ere you are, thanks very much. Bill Ferny: Not at all. See you on Thursday. Harry: Right you are squire. [howl] [clop clop clop] Harry: Who's that, then? Bill Ferny: I dunno... one of 'em must be the real Baggins everyone is looking for, though. Harry: Why? Bill Ferny: Well, those hobbits are the only ones being chased by undead ring-wraiths.  |
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