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Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Fellowship of the Ring
Scene 5: The Wizards' Insult Duel
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Narrator: Meanwhile, Gandalf has reached the mighty fortification of Angrenost, known as "Isengard" in the tongue of the Rohirrim, within the valley of Nan Curunir. Rising up from the midst of Angrenost's ring of stone is the impregnable Tower of Orthanc. Here within dwells Saruman... Chief of the five Istari and Head of the White Council.

Narrator: Gandalf's arrival has not gone unnoticed.
Saruman: (shoving and prodding orcs into a broom closet) Shhh! Shhhhh! Get in zere—in zere! No talking... no talking!
[knock-knock]
Saruman: Allo! Who is eet?
Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf the Grey. I have come seeking your counsel on a most urgent matter.
Saruman: Well-a, okay. Come right in zen.
Gandalf: By all that is sacred, that is one bloody damnable climb up those stairs!
Saruman: Ah, Mithrandir my friend-a. You are doing to much-a zat weed smoking, I'm-a thinking. Come sit and-a rest awhile.
Gandalf: No time for rest... events are moving at a fast pace and we have no time to be idle.
Saruman: Yes, indeed-e, you are right about zat-a. Zis is why you must tell me where ze Ring can-a be found!
Gandalf: Ah, the One Ring of the Dark Lord Sauron? The One Ring to Rule Them All that you told us at the council had been carried out to sea, as I recall?
Saruman: Yes, you sniveling cur of a pig-dog! I know zat you know where it is-a! And I know zat you know zat I know zat you know zat-a too, so stop it with ze playing as if-a your head is stuck up your bottom side-a!
Orcs: (chuckling and giggling in the closet) Heeheee—shhhhh! Shhh!
Gandalf: Ha! So you have unmasked your own evil desire for the Ring at last, have you?! I would not tell you of it any sooner than I would tell the Dark Lord himself!
Saruman: Of course I have-a turned to evil, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! What choice did I have-a with zis outrageous accent! So, you thought you could out-clever me with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behaviour! You have given me no choice-a but to insult you into submission!
Gandalf: No! No, you frog-ish fiend! Not a wizard's insult duel?!
Saruman: Yes-indeed-e, oh boy! So take your best shot you son of a window-dresser! You tiny-brained wiper of ozer people's bottoms!
Gandalf: Thpppppt! Do your worst!
Saruman: Ah, you illegitimate faced shirt-lifter-a! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a midget-dwarf and your father smelt of pipe-weed!
Narrator: The wizard's duel was deadly and dramatic. In the end, Saruman prevailed through sheer ferocity and the ridiculousness of his accent.
Saruman: At last-a, you are beaten you silly pimple burster! I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction! Now I shall put you on the top of my tower as a prisoner until ze end-a!
Gandalf: (struggling weakly to raise himself) Until the end of what?
Saruman: Mind your own business!
Narrator: With a wave of his staff, Saruman hurls the beaten and helpless Gandalf to the very roof of Orthanc.

Saruman: Yes, away with you... and no more with your meddling or I shall taunt you a second time-a and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!

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