Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
By James Haines (aka: Hstaphath)
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Scene 2: Orodruin Jewellers
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Monty Python: The Return of the King
Narrator: Returning to the hobbit manor-hole known famously throughout the Shire as Bag End, Frodo searches with great worry and concern for his missing uncle.
Frodo: Hello... Bilbo?
Gandalf: He has gone.

Frodo: What?!? Gone?
Gandalf: Yes, and he has left you his ring.
Frodo: Bilbo left me his ring? His most precious possession?
Gandalf: Yes, indeed. I had to whack his arse with a boat paddle, but he finally agreed to leave it. It is over there... conveniently laying in the middle of the floor for you.
(Frodo picks up the ring)
Frodo: It is but a plain gold band.
Gandalf: Hmmmpfh. Is it now...
(Gandalf knocks the ring out of Frodo's hand, sending it tumbling into the fireplace)
Frodo: What the—hey!
Gandalf: Fear not. The ring is unharmed.
Frodo: I'm not worried about the ruddy thing, you hit my hand you loony wizard!
Gandalf: Enough! Let us gaze upon the ring.
Frodo: Odd, the ring is cool though it has been touched by the flames... and strangely heavier.
Gandalf: Look for writing, Frodo... do you see any?
Frodo: Yes! Here... along the inside. It says "Orodruin Jewellers 10-Karat."
Gandalf: The tight-pocketed fiend! He could have at least made the forsaken thing out of 14 or 18-Karat gold.
Frodo: Who?
Gandalf: Never mind for the moment, Frodo. Read on... is there not more?
Frodo: It appears so. There's something written along the outside. Fiery letters of a strange elven script... I cannot read them.

Gandalf: No, but I can. The letters are elvish, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor and I will not utter it here.
Frodo: What?!
Gandalf: In the common tongue it says, close enough, "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Frodo: What does it all mean, Gandalf?
Gandalf: It means that this is no ordinary rare magic ring... it is the Master-ring. The One Ring to Rule Them All!
Frodo: Oh! There is something else here... along the inside near the jeweler’s stamp.
Gandalf: What's this?!? Quick! What does it say?
Frodo: It reads, "Warning— Violets are blue, Roses are red. If you wear this ring, you'll become undead."
Gandalf: Oh, that... that is just the Surgeon General's warning.
Frodo: Undead? That's horrible!
Gandalf: You said it... that's some of the worst tripe to pass for poetry, even for the likes of Sauron!
Frodo: No, no! The becoming undead part is horrible!
Gandalf: Oh. Yes, well... just don't put the cursed thing on.
Frodo: What shall I do with it then?
Gandalf: Tell you what, why don't I jot off now and go venture into an obvious ambush with a fellow wizard who has been blatantly lying to me for years while you just put the ring on a chain and hang out here?
Frodo: Yes, alright... that seems sensible enough.
Gandalf: If anyone, or any "thing" for that matter, shows up looking for it then just head straight for Bree. It's the most obvious place for you to go, so it will be easy for me to find you there.
Frodo: Good idea! It's as good as done, Gandalf. Have a safe journey!

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© 2005 - Parody by James Haines. Design and construction utterpants.co.uk


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