Thursday, 19th Astron, SR 1418
This morning Randolf brought an effeminate looking Robbit called 'Stingo' round and told me he was joining our party. When I refused he gave me a very queer look and said Stingo was not what he seemed. "You will have need of him on the journey in ways you cannot imagine, Fido, my lad. Trust me, I'm a wizard."

Stingo very odd Robbit. He came round later wearing really tight, shiny leather cycling pants and asked if I thought they were suitable for the journey. Told him he looked like a pervy she-elf with no tits. Silly Robbit burst into tears and ran out.

Went round to Snowdrop's pad after tea but was all dark and locked up. No one seems to know where she's gone. Feel really low.

Friday, 26th Astron, SR 1418
Still no sign of Snowdrop. Am heartbroken!
Finally, asked Randolf if he knew where she was and he said "Somewhere safe."
What does that mean? What's his game?

Tuesday, 9th Thrimidge, SR 1418
Three weeks without Snowdrop. So sad have stopped shagging anyone.

Randolf says it's the ring. "Without it you are just a normal, dim-witted, moderately randy Robbit. With it you were in danger of becoming a sex-crazed pervert. Be thankful you discovered it's evil purpose in time, my lad!"

Maybe he's right. I WAS overdoing it a bit before uncle Bingo left. Hate evil ring!

Stingo came round to help me mend his bicycle. Felt his hand on my bum while adjusting chain. What's worse, think I liked it. Am I sick? Is it the ring?

Saturday, 13th Thrimidge, SR 1418
Randolf told me more about ring and Dark Lord Sour Ron today. Is very, very BAD perve with devoted sex-slaves and HUGE army of orcs.
Says Ron is 20,000 years old and has sent evil Witch-Queen and sex-slaves called "Winged Rakes" to find me and get ring back.
Only mighty Elf lady Gladraggle and rightful King of Middle-Earth can beat him. Randolf says elves in Ravendale will have cunning plan to destroy ring and save world. Hope so because I don't fancy my chances against pervy sex slaves or Sour Ron.

Thought of Witch-Queen feeling me up while evil winged rakes roger Snowdrop gave me boner. Am I sick? Hate ring!

Thursday, 25th Thrimidge, SR 1418
Woke from nightmare involving Witch-Queen licking chocolate sauce off Snowdrop's thighs. Must be really sick.
Randolf says it's the ring. "It's hold over you is far too strong, my lad. You will never be free of it's evil influence until you cast it into the crack in Sour Ron's bottom." Ugh!

Stingo here again. His eyes remind me so much of Snowdrop Iet him kiss me - but wouldn't allow tongue. Must be ring. I wish I'd never set eyes on it, much less worn it on my knob for so many years. I hate it. I HATE IT FOREVER!

Tuesday, 21st Forelithe, SR 1418
Eight weeks without Snowdrop.

Very worried about my feelings for Stingo. Get boner whenever he's about. If Jam finds out he'll kill him.

Randolf left today but promised be back in time for my farewell birthday party next month.
As if!

So pissed off about leaving Fag End, losing Snowdrop and my pervy feelings for Stingo, started shagging Clara again.

Thursday, 22nd Halimath, SR 1418
50 today. Ugh! Big party at Fag End.

No sign of Randolf. What a surprise!

Got so rat arsed ended up dancing with Stingo.

Was sure he was feeling me up. What's worse, gave me huge boner.

Friday, 23rd Halimath, SR 1418
Head hurts, stomach hurts, mouth like inside of sheep's bottom. But at least no rash on knob.

My beautiful Fag End will go to awful Sackville-Fagginses at midnight and I must take ring to Crack in Sour Ron's bottom.

Feel very small and very frightened. Also really worried about my feelings for Stingo. Miss Snowdrop like hell.

After lunch, left Jam and Perry to pack while I slipped out for a farewell shag with Clara. Wished afterwards it had been Stingo. Damn that evil ring!

Got back to find Sackville-Fagginses donkey trap outside and found them turning over hole. Old Pimple was demanding uncle Bingo's first edition of 'Spanking for Pleasure' at the top of his voice and his scrawny wife was hitting on Stingo. Kicked them both out and told Rory to put the last of the Wizard's fire crackers up their donkey's bottom.

Took Bywater fire-brigade two hours to rescue them from river.

Waited until midnight for that dratted Wizard, then locked hole and left. Stingo cried again. Think I love him. How sick is that? Hate evil ring so much.

Saturday, 24th Halimath, SR 1418
First day of big adventure!

Woke up with Stingo's hand under my bottom. Told him to cut it out or Jam will kill him.

Still no sign of Randolf.

Monday, 26th Halimath, SR 1418
Reached big, dark, wood.

Very hot work cycling over knotty tree roots and pointy rocks.

Stingo crashed into me and we fell into rotten willow trunk.

Must've fallen asleep inside tree. When I woke up Stingo had his hand in my pants. Was kissing me madly. Was terrified he'd find ring so hit him hard in chest. Chest felt soft. Was about to rip his shirt open to see when Jam started pulling on my legs.

Jam very annoyed: "Oh it's Stingo, is it? I might've guessed you'd be on top of Mr Fido, you dirty poofter!"
Stingo burst into tears and I made Jam apologise.

Tuesday, 27th Halimath, SR 1418
Met comic buffoon dressed in a poncy blue jacket and bright yellow wellington's with an ostrich feather sticking out of his bottom. And I thought Stingo was pervy?

Invited us to tea to hear his poetry. I don't think so!

Got out of big, dark, wood FAST!

Slept between Jam and Perry just to be safe.

Wednesday, 28th Halimath, SR 1418
Lost silly Robbits in fog trying to follow Jam's stupid shortcut.

Stumbled around for hours calling out their names until I heard a moan coming from under big rock.

Next thing I knew I was in a pitch black cave and a freezing cold hand was in pants. "Stingo!" I shouted, "WILL YOU STOP THAT!"
Suddenly, a really creepy voice started singing some pervy song about stony beds and Dark Lord. I remembered what Randolf had said about the power of the ring and whacked the hand with the heavy gold chain he'd hung it on. There was a groan and a big flash and the cave walls fell in around me. Now I could see Jam and the others lying trussed up like Christmas turkeys. Found a sword under pile of gold and jewels and soon freed them.

"You're so brave, handsome and wonderful, Mr Fido", said Stingo as I helped him to his feet. For once Jam didn't scowl though that was probably because he didn't see Stingo kiss me. Had such a boner had job getting back on bicycle.

Picked out really cool eleven dagger for me and long knives for Robbits.

Thursday, 29th Halimath, SR 1418
Got to Bree at 9pm and had devil's own job getting past dim-witted gatekeeper.

Inn OK but innkeeper idiot.

Fell off table and stupidly put on ring! Then Stingo grabbed ring. Ring came off knob and weird bloke called Snider hustled us upstairs.

But ended well when Stingo turned into real girl!

Turns out Stingo is Snowdrop in disguise! How can I have been so stupid? No wonder so hot for each other. Best shag I've ever had. Will get married when we get to Ravendale.
Perry still thinks she's a bloke.
Jam sulking. Says I don't need him anymore. Is possible he's jealous?
Has he's got the hots for me? That would be to, to weird.

Found out Snider is mate of Wizard Randolf. Says he will guide us to Ravendale. Snowdrop says Snider is really famous Orc Slayer Harry Gaunt and Snowdrop's cleverer than me so have decided to trust him. Just so long as he doesn't try to get in her pants, or I'll kill him.

Still no sign of Randolf, though he left a sarkey note with the stupid innkeeper.

Friday, 30th Halimath, SR 1418
Attacked by Witch-Queen in early morning, but Snider and pan of fried mushrooms saved us. Apparently mushrooms only thing evil Winged Rakes fear.

Perry almost rogered senseless last night by sex-crazed Winged Rake and Jam Spongee nearly caused big fight when he threw up into dwarf's beard.

Innkeeper is complete twerp and mushrooms were underdone for breakfast.

Snowdrop cried when she threw away her lovely frocks to make room for more mushrooms in cart.
Comforted her until Snider banged on door and told us to stop.
Don't know how we'll be able to keep hands off each other on journey.

Got away on foot at lunchtime watched by whole village. So much for stealth and secrecy.

Think I prefer Snowdrop dressed in tight, men's cycling shorts. Is evil ring still at work?

THE END

Sadly the authors stopped there, so we may never learn what further mischief the ring caused among the intrepid Hobbits on their long journey to Sour Ron's bottom. Derek Tree swears blind they stopped because they ran out of psychotropic mushrooms, but we prefer to believe that they found something better to do with their time than write puerile stories about sex-crazed midgets with exceptionally furry feet. But we could be wrong...

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