Saturday, 24th Halimath, SR 1409
Feel really low.
Keep throwing up.
Rash no better.

Randolf had ring fixed to big chain to stop me wearing it on knob and locked it in new safe. Said: "Stay clear of fornicatory flibbertigibbets, my lad!" Asked Poppy what it meant. Had no idea but said if I threw up over her tits one more time I could start looking for one.

Snowdrop came over for lunch. Let me feel her up but couldn't get boner.
Threw up. Then cried on her shoulder. Said I was very brave.
Cried some more.
What's wrong with me? Wizard said withdrawal symptoms and to drink lots of mushroom cordial. Ick!

Wizard left after tea. Kept saying "Don't use it again!"
Cried buckets after he left and threw up again. Must be really sick.
Want shag desperately.
Hate evil ring!

Had to kick Sackville-Fagginses out of hole. Again.

Monday, 5th Foreyule, SR 1409
Still feel low. Still drinking mushroom cordial. Still throwing up.

Rash now green. Yuck!

Jam moved in today.

Tried to cheer myself up by banging Clara. Couldn't get it up and threw up over her.

Snowdrop stayed all night and talked about beautiful elves she grew up with. Must be why she's so gorgeous. Feel much better when I'm with her.
Didn't throw up.

Sackville-Fagginses finally got message about Bingo's treasure and stormed out in huff.

Friday, 24th Foreyule, SR 1409. Yule Day
Rash gone!

Miss Randolf. Wish he'd come back soon.

Snowdrop gone to North Farthing. Think I'll die. Love her sooo much.

Finally cracked new safe combination and got hands on ring when Jam wasn't watching me. Went at it all night like rabbit with Poppy. Didn't throw up once but felt really bad afterwards and cried lots. Poppy really worried about me.

Drank 2 pints of mushroom cordial and did throw up.

Thursday, 30th Foreyule, SR 1409. Yule Day
Rash gone, but still throwing up a lot.

Rory and Perry came over to see new year in. Got really pissed on last of Uncle Bingo's wine and shagged Poppy. Then threw up all over her. Either am still very sick or wizard right and ring turned me into sex-crazed perve. Think Poppy preferred me as perve. Rory says she's seeing Ted Sandybottom.
Want ring! Want shag!
Hate ring!

Tuesday, 14th Forelithe, SR 1410.
No enthusiasm for Diary or sex. Haven't used ring for six months.

Miss uncle Bingo and Randolf a lot.

Poppy said she's pregnant.

Snowdrop came back today and stayed all night. Kissed and cuddled lots. Told me all about pretty Elf Queen Gladraggle and lovely tree houses in far away land. No shagging. Must be v.sick or really in love. Asked her to marry me. Said she'd think about it.

Friday, 24th Forelithe, SR 1410.
Still not using ring. No shag for 6 weeks.

Still miss Randolf and uncle Bingo a lot.

Slept with Snowdrop and got small boner! Must be getting better. Took pity on me and made wand very, very happy. Still thinking about my proposal.

Rory and I chased two Orcs out of Gaffer Spongee's tater patch.

Tuesday 16th Thrimidge, SR 1412.
Too busy chasing Orcs out of Shire to write diary.

Haven't used ring for three years. Wizard must be right, ring really evil, filthy sex toy. Hate ring so much!

Poppy got married to Ted Sandybottom today and asked me to be best man.

Snowdrop said she might marry me! She kissed me and gave wand really good workout. Love her sooo much it hurts.

Where the bloody hell is Randolf when you need him?

Thursday 22nd Halimath, SR 1415.
Oppss - missed a few more years.

Orcs multiplying like flies on new dung.

Snowdrop promised to get engaged if I stop shagging other girls.

Swore pretty damn quick. Lied!

Party of elves came through Bywater today. Perry says they're fleeing from a Balrog but I don't believe him.

Randolf still not here yet.

Monday 2nd Afteryule, SR 1416.
No time to write since Rory and I joined Sherrif's border patrol.

Hate ring. Hate not being able to shag other girls when I can't shag Snowdrop.

Primula threw me out today and told me she's marrying the fat dwarf who's been boarding with her.

Snowdrop told me that if I don't stop shagging Clara Randybuck, engagement is off.

Stopped shagging Clara.

Perry said he'd seen Randolf in Bywater but it turned out to be that dozy wizard Radofart buying pipeweed.

Friday 10th Forelithe, SR 1417.
Got promoted to under-sherrif today and killed 2 very small Orcs.

Got engaged to Snowdrop but she still won't let me shag her.

Where the hell is Randolf?

Sunday, 16th Astron, SR 1418
Guess who was sitting in the study when I got in after Sherrif-duty?

Randolf! I nearly shit myself! He buggers off for nine years without so much as postcard and then tells me, calm as you like, that he's been "a bit tied up lately".

Then a really pervy-looking Orc with bad breath turned up looking for uncle Bingo. Randolf smacked him over the head with his staff and he ran off squealing down the lane.

Monday, 17th Astron, SR 1418
Randolf says I've got to sell Fag End and leave the Shire by autumn or the Witch-Queen will get me!
Apparently ring really belongs to some bloke called Sour Ron who is Dark Lord and he wants it back.
He says I have to take it to some orc-infested place down south and throw it away. Is he serious?
Jam and Perry said they want to come. What are they smoking?

After lunch I overheard the wizard talking to Snowdrop in the study. She was crying and begging him to let her come with us.

Then I cried. Tackled wizard about it later and told him I was NOT going.
He said I was.
I said I wasn't.
He said that if I stayed Witch-Queen would raze Shire to the ground and roger Snowdrop senseless.

I'm going.

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