utterpants
Very Private Hobbit Diary 2
The unexpurgated Diary of a very disturbed Hobbit...

Wednesday, 14th Halimath, SR 1409
Managed to sneak out while uncle Bingo was writing out more invites for party and met Snowdrop coming out of Baker's. Apologised for last Sunday and explained Poppy meant nothing to me and had only tried it on with schoolgirl to make her jealous. Slapped me.
Said sorry for trying to shag her while invisible.
Slapped me again.
Said not interested in other girls anymore.
Slapped me harder.
Stupidly offered to show her ring if she would forgive me.
Grabbed my crotch and put her tongue so far down throat I nearly came in my pants. Promised to let me come in HER pants if I showed her ring. I'll have to think about it. May be hottest babe in Shire but once she knows about ring, sausage time over!

Friday, 16th Halimath, SR 1409
Persuaded Bingo to let me go out with Elf chaperone to collect mail from Post Office. Rory and I threw Elf in Gaffer Gamgee's pigsty. Pigs squealed a lot.

Hung around school all afternoon looking at girls playing hockey in v.short skirts until Poppy came out. Apologised for neglecting her and told her Snowdrop meant nothing to me and had humiliated me out of jealousy. Worked a treat! Took her into Gaffer Spongee's tool shed. All over me like hot rash.
Handled wand like pro.
Has Rory had her?

Saturday, 17th Halimath, SR 1409
Stayed in helping uncle Bingo write last Party invites as Elf not able to sit down today.

Sunday, 18th Halimath, SR 1409
Officially allowed out again. Hole overflowing with tacky presents, plastic whistles and dwarves. Still another 5 days til Party.

Locked elf in privy with Gaffer Spongee's prize bull.

Couldn't get ring as Randolf in study all day.

Avoided emptying another of Randolf's carts by offering to decorate Party field.

Put up the beer tent with Jam Spongee and Perry. Then Rory and I offered to help Rosie gather mushrooms for tea. Rosie needed no persuading to drop her pants but farting such big turn off.
Said Jam would kill me when he finds out.
So made Rory shag her too. Now Jam'll kill Rory when he finds out.

Monday, 19th Halimath, SR 1409
Hole still full of dwarves. Uncle Bingo rushing around hole like squirrel with red hot poker up arse.

Couldn't get ring again. Need ring badly. Am overdoing it? Is ring evil? Don't care, never had so much fun. Invisible shagging sooo cool!

Bumped into Snowdrop outside Post Office while collecting uncle Bingo's mail.
Gave me a slow, wet kiss in full view of old Mrs Bracegirdle. Asked why I'd been avoiding her. Didn't realise how much I'd missed her. Got boner the size of Gaffer Spongee's prize marrow but managed to keep hands off her. Told her I'd been too busy preparing for uncle Bingo's party. Believed me, but made me promise to come round tonight with ring. Have to think that over.

Pervy elf left at lunchtime in ambulance. Bull followed it all the way to Bywater.

Tried to get ring after tea to pay visit to Primula Randybuck but Randolf still in study. No shag today.
Now sure dratted Wizard suspects.

Decided to get pissed and stood Snowdrop up.

Tuesday, 20th Halimath, SR 1409
Hole still full of bloody dwarves. Still another three days til Party.

Snowdrop called twice in morning. Pretended to be out.
Rosie called in afternoon. Pretended to be out.
Finally got ring after tea when Randolf went for pee. Put fake in safe just in case.

Went round to Perry's hole. Waited til Poppy asleep. Then got in bed beside her. Slipped ring on and off a few times to convince her she was dreaming. Are all schoolgirls this HOT?

Still so randy kept ring on all the way to No.8 and shagged Primula senseless.

The went back to Poppy's and spent all night with her. Showed me some tricks I hadn't thought of. Now sure Rory's had her.

Got back to hole at 2am and had to hang about in draughty privy until 3am when Randolf went to bed. I think I might be overdoing it a bit. Is ring to blame? Am I turning into sex perve? Don't care. Never had so much fun with trousers off.

Wizard gave me a very queer look at breakfast and said the ingenuity of Robbits never ceased to amaze him. What does he mean? How much does he know?

Wednesday, 21st Halimath, SR 1409
Hole so full of axes and fireworks couldn't find my walking stick.

No chance to get ring as Randolf following me around all day on pretext of supervising Party preparations.

Went to 'Blue Tit' to watch Dwarf tossing. On way home bumped into Snowdrop and Randolf walking hand in hand down Bag lane. She pretended not to know me. Very queer.

Thursday, 22nd Halimath, SR 1409
Uncle Bingo's Party. I'll be 41 today. Ugh!

Bloody dwarves leaving at last.

Watched fireworks with Rory and Perry.

Lit fire crackers under two really fat dwarves and got really rat-arsed on uncle Bingo's best sherry. Then shagged Rosie.
Rosie farted. Threw up over Rosie.

Sobered up and had Clara from behind, behind the soup tent.

Poppy so pleased to see me in flesh that she had pants off before I could ask her about wet dreams.
Went at it like rabbits under stage.

The danced with Snowdrop. Tried to feel her up but slapped me and told me to stick to schoolgirls.

So got pissed again and banged Poppy some more.

Fell asleep listening to uncle Bingo's speech but woke up smartish when silly fart put on ring and vanished!

Took Primula roughly from behind, behind the beer tent.

Walked Poppy home and had her again up against her Dad's bike shed.

Ring makes me SOoo HOT. Could something this good be evil?
Too big a question for pissed Robbit with numb dick.

Friday, 23rd Halimath, SR 1409
Head hurts, stomach hurts, mouth like inside of sheep's bottom. Nasty red rash on knob.

Was dead right about nosey Wizard. Gave me right bollocking about ring after breakfast. Knows everything!
Seems uncle Bingo used it before me. Would explain why I've got so many cousins. Wizard said "You are fading fast Fido. Another few weeks of the sort of rogering you've been getting up to and a rash on your knob would have been the least of your worries. You would have become a WRAITH!"

Gave me funny drink in blue bottle that knocked me out.

When I woke up was teatime and Randolf dropped real bombshell: "I've told Snowdrop all about the ring, Fido, my lad, and what you've been using it for all these years!"
Would explain why she was so desperate to get her hands on it rather than knob. Must be one really HOT babe.
Then wizard told me to NOT to use it EVER AGAIN or really pervy Witch-Queen would take me to Dark Lord. Now I know what filthy Orcs were after.
Randolf said he had urgent business but would be back soon with cunning plan to get rid of ring forever.
Asked him about rash on knob. Said it would go away if I didn't use ring again.

Had to kick Sackville-Fagginses out of hole.

NEXT PAGE

© 2003 Mercedes Dannenberg & Derek Tree. Design and layout © 2003 utterpants.co.uk
Lord of the Rings Parody
Lord of the Rings Parody
Lord of the Rings Parody
Monty Python: The Lord of the RingsMonty Python: The Lord of the Rings James Haines' Comedic Masterpiece
Funny LOTR parodyLord of the Scrolls The Dark Lord threatens Middle-Earth with a tide of cinematic mediocrity
Gaultier's LairGaultier's Lair
A tall tale of appalling fashion sense and mindless shopping
A hot hobbit in tight leather pants gets luckyAt the Sign of the Dancing Donkey A hot hobbit in tight leather pants gets lucky
Ringwraiths terrorize English Town Undead Ghouls terrorize English Town in hunt for magic ring
The private Diary of a very disturbed HobbitFrodo Baggins Private Diary
What the dirty little Robbit really did with the Ring
LOTR sequel stolen!
Lord of the Rings move sequel stolen!