Very Private Hobbit Diary
The unexpurgated DIARY of a very disturbed (R)HOBBIT
By Mercedes Dannenberg and Derek Tree
This is a story about Robbits - NOT Hobbits. Robbits are descended from WILD Rabbits. We just thought we'd mention that in case you imagine you are about to read the diary of a cuddly, furry Hobbit who lives an idyllic life amidst the rolling green hills of the Shire where nothing horrible ever happens. On the other hand, if you want to find out what Bilbo's magic ring was really used for, and how it nearly led his cousin, Fido, to a fate worse than death, read on..
Thursday, 1st Halimath, SR 1409
Got my hand inside Rosie Shortbottom's pants when she dropped off the
mushrooms for tea. She complained afterwards that if her fiancee, Jam
Spongee, finds out, he'll kill me.
Perry brought his cute little baby sister, Poppy, over for tea. If
she's not gagging for it, I'm a rabbit. Rory says she's too young for
Went to 'Blue Tit' with Rory, got pissed and shagged Clara Beaverburrow - scrummy new barmaid with big tits.
Saturday, 3rd Halimath, SR 1409
Rory said he'd seen an Orc over Bywater way dressed in a yellow plastic mac who asked him where uncle Bingo lived. I told him to lay off the pipeweed for a bit.
Jam brought Rosie round after tea so I showed her uncle Bingo's porn collection. After that she was putty in my hands which is more than I can say for the wand I shoved up her furry front bottom.
Farting real turn off, though.
Monday, 5th Halimath, SR 1409
Uncle Bingo invited Jam Spongee round at tea-time to hear another of his dratted poems.
Then he started telling me about Ring and how it would be mine one
Got pissed with Rory again.
Tuesday, 6th Halimath, SR 1409
Jam and Rosie were in the hole when I got back, so I sent Jam out to weed the mushroom patch while I fed Rosie Robbit sausage. She only farted twice today. But now silly cow wants to break off engagement with Jam and marry me on my birthday on 22nd. Told her sausage sucking's no big deal and should keep quiet. Hope she does or Jam'll kill me.
Perry says he saw an Orc in a green mac on the Robbiton road last night. What ARE they smoking?
Wednesday, 7th Halimath, SR 1409
Randolf brought another cartload of plastic toys and cheap novelties for Bingo's birthday party.
Another four dwarves and that pervy Elf arrived to help with Party.
Now Jam says he's seen an Orc.
Friday, 9th Halimath, SR 1409
Looks like Rory will lose.
Borrowed ring after tea and paid another visit to Primula at No.8.
Waited til she was in bath, put on ring and rogered her senseless.
Stole dwarve's gold and hid it under Elf's pillow.
Saturday, 10th Halimath, SR 1409
So nipped round to Snowdrop's pad instead. She is one drop-dead gorgeous
babe. Offered her uncle Bingo's entire soft porn collection if she'd
sleep with me. Refused. Got awful boner while watching her cut up mushrooms.
Met Poppy at Perry's and introduced her to beaver coursing.
Emptied chamber pot over Elf while asleep in bed and and slept at Rory's place.
Was that an Orc hanging around the bottom of Fag lane? Is it after ring?
Sunday, 11th Halimath, SR 1409
Borrowed ring after breakfast and paid Snowdrop a visit. She was still in bed. Saw everything through nightie. Wow, she's sooo beautiful. Sight of beaver gave me HUGE boner. Put arms round me and opened legs wide. Then woke up and screamed. Tried to get ring off knob but hand caught in nightie. Told her it was only me. Screamed louder. Finally got ring off knob and got off Snowdrop. She tried to cover up tits and screamed house down. Just managed to climb out of window before Sherrif's arrived.
Looks like Rory might win even WITH magic ring.
Got back to hole and put ring back in Bingo's safe seconds before Randolf walked in. Does he suspect? Is ring turning me into a sicko perve like uncle Bingo? Don't care. Never had so much fun.
Had to unload wizard's cart, AGAIN!
Pervy Elf back after lunch. Rory held him down in scullery while I shoved Randolf's biggest firecracker up his bottom. Sicko bastard asked us to light it.
Tea was disaster. First uncle Bingo read his new history of mathoms,
then Randolf turned up with three more dwarves and another cartload
Things started looking up when I slipped away into kitchen with hot
schoolgirl Poppy. Hands all over me. Tongue down throat. But just when
I'd got her really wet Snowdrop burst in. Thought at first she wanted
to join in fun because she unbuttoned me and went straight for magic
wand. Wand harder than a wizard's staff and twice as cunning and she
knew it. Just when I couldn't hold it in any longer, Snowdrop pushed
me into the parlor and straight into the arms of uncle Bingo.
Uncle Bingo so livid grounded me for week. To cap it all, ring missing
© 2003 Mercedes Dannenberg & Derek Tree. Design and layout © 2003 utterpants.co.uk