Americans flee London Americans flee London

By our woman flogging dodgy perfume on Oxford Street, Miranda S Givings

London -- shopkeepers and hoteliers wrung their hands in despair today as thousands of American tourists, military personnel and teenage girls desperate to catch themselves a British knob, fled the war-torn city in response to President Bush's impassioned plea to 'save your asses.'

The Presidential announcement followed widespread criticism from Republican senators, businessmen and leading American Christian fundamentalists that US citizens were in grave danger in the wake of last week's terror attacks on the British capital. "Americans are simply not used to unprovoked attacks on innocent civilians going about their daily business," a visibly shaken spokestypeperson from the US embassy told Utterpants, as he feverishly packed a suitcase bulging with several handguns, tasers and hunting knives. "Dead drug dealers riddled with automatic weapons fire and young kids gunning down their classmates is something you see on the movies, not on American streets. London is just not safe anymore."

His chilling words were echoed by scores of terrified Americans who are deserting lucrative jobs, and in some cases, British mistresses, in their haste to flee the violent streets of Britain's capital. "Make no mistake," bawled a US marine wearing full body armour who popped his helmeted head out of the turret of a tank to shout through our letterbox: "No American is safe in this town. Hell, they aint safe anywheres in this terroristified cesspit of islamaist insurgentism you call Britain!"

Pausing only to shoot a suspicious looking bloke with a striped tea towel on his head who got too close to his tank, the brave freedom fighter went on to tell Utterpants of the grave dangers faced by Americans in what some are now calling 'Osama Bin Laden's playground.'
"There are black guys on every street corner openly selling drugs, pregnant underage teens prowling the streets looking to blow an American for a pack of Marlboro Lights and frikkin' Arabs driving around in Mercedes! Only yesterday some greasy Arab kid took a pot shot at me in a shopping mall in Kensington for crissakes!"
"The police said it was a dayglo pink water pistol," we commented. "And he was aiming at his eight-year-old sister."
"Yeah? How the hell was I supposed to know that when I blew him away? We're not used to kids pulling guns on complete strangers back home."

Across the almost deserted city, jewelers and sex-shop owners are beside themselves with grief as Americans continue to flee the ravaged capital. Moshe Chutzpah, a fifty-seven-year-old goldsmith from Hackney is typical of the thousands of small businessmen who have seen sales of belly button rings and chastity bracelets plummet as terrified US teens fall over their hair extensions to escape the blanket of gloom and despondency that has settled over London. Our reporter needed hospital treatment after witnessing Mr Chutzpah beg a young American woman not to leave the shop that has been in his family for 23 generations. His pitiful cries echoed along a deserted Oxford Street as he groveled at the feet of the heartless shopper. "Oy, oy, my life, already!" he pleaded as he clutched at her American Express platinum gold card. "You can have anything in the shop for half price on 24 months interest free credit. I'll even throw in a signed portrait of Princess Diana!"

But his pleas and those of countless hoteliers and West End theatre managers who face ruin and starvation as they contemplate a London bereft of the well-filled pockets and empty heads of wealthy Americans, fell on deaf ears as planeload after planeload of terrified tourists took off from Heathrow airport. The mass exodus of Americans contrasts sharply with the courageous efforts of the British Prime Minister to encourage Londoners to return to normal working life. Tony Blair turned his normal journey to Westminster into an unforgettable symbol of the capital’s collective defiance when he emerged from 10 Downing Street to rapturous cheers this morning wearing a thermonuclear-proof vest and kevlar helmet accompanied by twenty-seven heavily-armed security guards, before climbing into an armoured personnel carrier for the five-minute journey to the Houses of Parliament.

Some unpatriotic cynics have suggested that the President's decision to evacuate all Americans from the UK sits uncomfortably alongside Britain's support of the US invasion and occupation of Iraq, but Utterpants have been assured that these apologists for terrorism will shortly be enjoying an extended holiday in the Caribbean as guests of the US military.

“Just as Tony Blair stood behind my omnipotent ass to defeat them terroristical islamaists in Eyerack, I know he will support the new initiatories I am planning in Korea, Iran and any other place Karl says needs freedomification. Withdrawing our people from England is necessary to win the war on Terror," a concernified Mr Bush is alleged to have said tomorrow.

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© 2005 Miranda S Givings and Utterpants.co.uk /120705

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