Sacked for Snapping Stiffs!|
An exclusive report by our chick in the crypt, Miranda S Givings
|A junior Doctor, employed at Purley Memorial Hospital, has been sacked for photographing dead bodies in the hospital mortuary and putting the pictures on on the Internet|
Dr Dick Coughin, a thirty-two-year-old father of four from Guildford, was dismissed from his post as a mortuary supervisor when relatives recognised their dearly departed on his website—their photographs that is, not the actual stiffs. What has shocked the nation is the content of these sepulchral snaps—which depict graphic acts of a compromising nature taking place between the concupiscent corpses. Doctor 'Necro', as the press have dubbed him, stoutly defended his macabre merrymaking when Utterpants interviewed him over a latte at the Purley Hilton hotel last week.
"I've done nothing wrong," said the dashing doctor, defiantly. "The chicks were dead when I snapped them. All I did was re-unite them with their boyfriends and hubbies. They were at it like rabbits when they were alive, so why should they be deprived of each other's company after they've popped their clogs? I've had no end of emails telling me what a comfort it has been to relatives to see their dearly departed re-united in each other's loving arms."
"But what about the charges of necrophilia that have been levelled
against you?" we asked.
"The press have called you a 'sick, depraved stiff-fiddler'. What
do you say to them?" we asked Dr Coughin.
"That's necrosist propaganda. How do we know what the dead feel or think? Have we ever asked them? No! We arrogantly assume that just because they're not breathing or moving around much, that they're indifferent to each other. It's an established medical fact that hair and nails continue to grow after death. That proves there's life left in the old stiffs. In fact I'm sure of it, or the red hot totty—er, I mean—the auto-fatality with a broken neck I re-united with her boyfriend last week wouldn't have moaned quite so loudly when he went down on her. Who are we to deny the late lamented a little innocent fun just because they've kicked the bucket?"
"But don't the corpses decompose?"
A good question. Utterpants consulted Professor A R Soul, of the London School of Post-mortem Consciousness Studies, who told us that: 'we simply do not know what happens to consciousness after the death of the physical body. The pleasurable awareness of sexual relations between consenting corpses cannot be ruled out at this point in our investigation of the complex neurology of the human mind.'
If this is true, it could revolutionise our understanding of post-mortem relationships, and may well mean that millions of couples, who have been cruelly separated by callous morticians hell-bent on maintaining their lucrative stake in the 'death business', have been unfairly deprived of the most basic of human rights.
We put this to Dr Coughin's superiors at Purley Memorial Hospital.
The Chief Constable for North Purley gave us the following statement:
"Dr Coughin was paid to sit on cadavers, not to raise them. This
is a grave abuse of the right of the dead to enjoy eternal peace. I
shall not rest until this evil man is behind bars."
Much the same could be said for the macabre mortician, should he ever return to the UK to face the charges the Police have brought against him.
© 2006 utterpants.co.uk /NN 170306 /FP 0304